Whose Line Is It Anyway?

Whose Line Is It Anyway? Quotes

Improvisational comedy game show in which four players act out various comic games and sketches.

Ryan Stiles: Damn rolling black-outs!
[Wayne starts to roll on floor]
Ryan Stiles: No, not that kind.
Ryan Stiles: [songs of the motorcycle] Hi.
Colin Mochrie: Hi...
Ryan Stiles: How are you?
Colin Mochrie: Fine...
Ryan Stiles: We don't know what you're watching. So we're not going to tell you we're going to return you to it.
Colin Mochrie: Oh we... we're watching animal porn!
[realizes what said and covers his face briefly. Buzz]
Colin Mochrie: Mary Had a Little Lamb we'll be right back in just a second...
Audience members: [Buzz. the audience members, Drew Wayne and Jeff start to laugh. Close up on Colin]
Colin Mochrie: I'm sorry, I apologize.
Ryan Stiles: [laughing continues] So happy, "We're watching animal porn!"
Colin Mochrie: [Weird Newscasters] Today, well-known mob hitman Johnny Two-Shoes admitted that he was once hired to kill a cow in a rice field using only two small porcelain figurines. Police reports indicate that this is the only known incident of a Knick-Knack Paddy Whack.
Drew Carey: Famous movie roles as played by Carol Channing
Ryan Stiles: I know what you're thinking. Did I fire seven shots or six? Well, to tell you the truth, in all this confusion, I forgotten myself. So you have to ask yourself one question. Do you feel lucky? Well do you, punk?
Robin Williams: Well surely you must be the son of God!
Ryan Stiles: I'm Spartacus!
Colin Mochrie: [Scenes from a hat - Ending a long term relationship in song] You are dead to me, nothing but scum. When I look in your eyes I get inflammation of the bum. You make me feel putrid, I hate the...
[He's lead away by Ryan]
Drew Carey: [Scenes from a hat] Bad causes to raise money for.
Ryan Stiles: Give Drew Carey a third show? Anyone?
Colin Mochrie: Bathe the whales!
Colin Mochrie: [Scenes from a hat - discussions that ruin a dinner party] -So then my colon is lying on my chest. I wake up in the middle of the surgery, I acidentally swallow half of it! How did that happen, I'm wondering. Well then all of a sudden, that's when the laxative hits! So I'm LYING there, wondering how the heck am I gonna get out of this?...
[Ryan pulls him offstage]
[Newsflash- Colin is reporting on bikini girls]
Colin Mochrie: [not aware that he's pointing between a woman's breasts] I'm going to stick my nose in there, and make sure I get every bit of it!
[audience laughs hysterically]
Drew Carey: [setting up "Weird Newscasters"] Wayne, you're a redneck trying to hold on to his title at a greased pig competition. And Ryan...
Ryan Stiles: ...Please don't say I'm the greased pig!
Drew Carey: No, you're a first time mother going from conception to birth!
[Film Noir]
Colin Mochrie: I let him think for a while 'cause I knew he had the answer. I knew it was a good answer, and he was going to tell it to me. 'Cause when you ask a question, you expect an answer. That's the way it works... question, answer, answer, question. If he gave the answer, I'd have to come up with the question. That would be Jeopardy. That's wrong.
[quick change]
Ryan Stiles: You see this badge? That means I'm the sheriff.
Wayne Brady: Change.
Ryan Stiles: You see this thong?...
[bursts out laughing]
Wayne Brady: Change.
Ryan Stiles: You see these sandals? That means someone stole my boots.
[Scenes from a hat]
Drew Carey: Okay. Let's start out with...
[pulls out paper]
Drew Carey: No... no.
[puts paper back and picks a new one]
Drew Carey: "Bad choices for pets."
Brad Sherwood: Here velocipraptor! Here velo-
[Colin comes and pretends to bite his neck]
Ryan Stiles: [whistles] Where's my little tapeworm? Huh?
Drew Carey: Okay.
[clears thraot]
Drew Carey: "Strange things to find in your bed."
Wayne Brady: Colin?
[Colin pops his head up]
Wayne Brady: Ahhhhhhh!
Colin Mochrie: Teach me how to sing like you!
Ryan Stiles: [Ryan pops his head up] What's his problem?
Colin Mochrie: I don't know!
Drew Carey: Oh, okay. Uh, "dangerous things to do while you are naked."
Brad Sherwood: Honey, bring out the steaks. I'm gonna light the barbeque.
Colin Mochrie: [sighs] Okay.
[Colin starts to pretend to throw chain saws into the air and jugle them]
Ryan Stiles: 5 minutes, Mr. President.
Drew Carey: [laughs] Okay.
[reads card]
Drew Carey: Oh, boy. "Baby names that will someday get your child's ass kicked."
Ryan Stiles: Oh, is Kick-My-Ass Hungry?
Colin Mochrie: Come here... Colin.
[Wayne and Brad pretend to go beat him up]
Drew Carey: Okay. "Little known facts about our host, Drew Carey."
Ryan Stiles: What kind of middle name is "Alison?"
Drew Carey: "Things you wished you hadn't said to the president."
Colin Mochrie: Sure, I'll be your intern.
Brad Sherwood: [acts like he's holding out a tray] Cigarette? Cigar? Anyone?
Ryan Stiles: [as if getting married] I do.
Drew Carey: Hey! Don't go away! There'll be lots of more Whose Line right after this!
[after a dance with Richard Simmons]
Wayne Brady: I feel ten pounds lighter and just a little dirty.
Colin Mochrie: This just in: Beverly Hills 90210, Cleveland Browns 3.
[laughter from Drew Carey]
Drew Carey: Bad places to find advertising.
[Ryan pantomimes looking over Colin while he's peeing]
Drew Carey: Must not have had a lot to say...
[audience boos]
Drew Carey: I regret saying that, because the next card says "Little known, but amazing facts about Drew Carey".
Colin Mochrie: I have no sense of length.
Wayne Brady: When I'm with a woman, I go "Wooooooooo!"
Ryan Stiles: Did you know at first Drew Carey turned *down* the role of Geppetto?
Drew Carey: If celebrities had been the first people to walk on the moon.
Brad Sherwood: One small step for man, one giant leap for me, Brad Sherwood. How are ya?
Drew Carey: [as Brad sets off-stage] Sorry, I said... I said, "celebrities."
Brad Sherwood: Oh, I'm sorry.
[the audience groans, then he starts whining]
Brad Sherwood: That was mean!
Wayne Brady: [as Michael Jackson, moonwalking] Hooo!
Colin Mochrie: Where's my car?
Ryan Stiles: [as Carol Channing] Well this is dry and barren as I am.
Drew Carey: [Scenes from a Hat] Bad first lines of medical ads.
Colin Mochrie: Ever wonder how food becomes poo?
Greg Proops: Been decapitated recently?
[Newsflash- Colin is reporting on images of himself]
Colin Mochrie: [when asked how all this got started] This all started with a badly timed bald joke.
[audience laughs hysterically]
Drew Carey: Welcome to "Whose Line Is It Anyway?" the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right the points are just like tasteful shoes to Ryan Stiles.
[the audience applauds]
Drew Carey: I'm sorry, was that applause? I couldn't hear it under Ryan's shoes!
[Game: Infomercial]
Ryan Stiles: Hey, what time is it?
Colin Mochrie: I believe it's 3 o'clock.
Ryan Stiles: And that means it's time to shop, shop, shop!
[He slaps the table. Colin hurts himself while slapping the table]
Ryan Stiles: Hello, everyone! I'm Jimmy!
Colin Mochrie: I'm... not.
Ryan Stiles: And it's time to shop, shop, shop! Hey, can some of you see us out there?
Ryan Stiles, Colin Mochrie: [move their arms up and down] Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello?
Ryan Stiles: How many of you are laying on the floor drunk right now?
Colin Mochrie: It is time to stop! You and your liver need some help!
Ryan Stiles: Give your liver a break! Liver let die!
[laughter from audience]
Ryan Stiles: I think a lot of people would stop drinking if they knew what they looked like when they were drunk.
Colin Mochrie: I think you're absolutely correct, Ryan!
Ryan Stiles: But it's not always easy to find a mirror when you're drunk. Sometimes it's impossible. But, that's why we have this handy little device.
[pulls out a balloon]
Ryan Stiles: You simply make a photo copy of your head... and paste it on this.
[holds it still]
Ryan Stiles: This is what you look like sober.
[knocks it to make it go back and forth]
Ryan Stiles: This is what you look like drunk.
Colin Mochrie: Which would you rather be?
Ryan Stiles, Colin Mochrie: Of course... of course, this is what you look like drunk in an earthquake.
[Holds balloon still again]
[Party quirks]
Greg Proops: No. No! I'm just saying no to rugs.
[doorbell]
Greg Proops: Come on in, Wayne! How's it going, man? W-welcome to the party.
Wayne Brady: [as "Chicken With Attitude"] Hmph.
[walks in like a chicken and puffs up like saying "What you want"]
Greg Proops: Are you all right? You want some...
Wayne Brady: ["No. Leave me alone!" kind of movement]
Greg Proops: Y-you want some corn or chips or something?
[doorbell]
Greg Proops: I'm gonna...
Wayne Brady: ["Answer the dang door!"]
Greg Proops: Woah, woah! I gotta get the door. Hello, Col. How are ya?
Colin Mochrie: [as "A Person Who's Auditioning for Every Part in a Slasher Film"] Here's my 8" by 10".
Greg Proops: Uh... all right? Great.
Colin Mochrie: All right? Here we go.
[clears throat]
Colin Mochrie: Okay.
[screams loudly]
Colin Mochrie: No, wait! I can do it better.
[screams louder on higher pitch]
Colin Mochrie: No. I think maybe this part.
[Covers hand over one eye and mimes stabbing someone while moaning]
Greg Proops: [doorbell] Oh.
[ducks under his arm]
Greg Proops: You have GOT to stop taking sudifed! Oh, hi Ryan! How are you?
Ryan Stiles: [as "Excited by Ugliness and Looking for the Perfect Specimen"] Great, how are you?
Greg Proops: Fine.
Ryan Stiles: Hey, thanks for inviting me. Can I meet your other guests?
Greg Proops: Sure, no problem.
[moves over to Wayne]
Greg Proops: This is a chicken. A funky chicken? No, he's not a chicken. A music chicken? He's a funky chicken? He's a chicken who thinks he's a rooster?
Drew Carey: He's a chicken with an ATTITUDE.
Greg Proops: Chicken with an attitude?
[laughs]
Greg Proops: Ryan, have you met Colin. He's audtioning for a horror movie.
Drew Carey: Every part in a horror movie.
Greg Proops: [talking while Ryan, who's excited by ugliness in this role, is gazing at Drew Carey with facsination] Listen... can I get you something? A glass of water or punch or something? Would you like a glass of punch or something?
Ryan Stiles: Sure, Ryan.
[pretends to spill invisible glass]
Ryan Stiles: Oops. I dropped it all over myself.
[bends down to show Drew his butt]
Ryan Stiles: I believe I haven't met your other friend.
Greg Proops: Oh, well this is Drew. He sits behind a desk and makes a lot more than us!
[laughter from the audience]
Greg Proops: Hey, Drew. Have you met Ryan? He's trying to... seduce everyone he meets!
Drew Carey: No.
Greg Proops: He's a man who's attracted to everyone he meets? No? He's a man who's attracted to everyone he meets? He's a guy who's imagined that...
Drew Carey: [interrupting] Well, here he says that he's excited by UGLINESS!
Drew Carey: [Scenes from a hat] Baby Drew's first words.
Colin Mochrie: Colin's Bald!
Wayne Brady: Hey Nurse, come on!
Ryan Stiles: Pizza!
Brad Sherwood: Show me them boobs! Come on!
Greg Proops: [Hats, in a rabbit mask] I'm not into protection
Drew Carey: Say it again... I don't think they heard you.
Greg Proops: Oh, could no one hear me? Maybe it's because of this fucking mask I'm wearing.
Drew Carey: Naked photos you wouldn't want to see on the internet
Wayne Brady: Hi, I'm Bea Arthur!
Ryan Stiles: C-A-R-E-Y. Hmmm.
Ryan Stiles: [Pretends to click away from the website. He then throws the computer out the window]
Drew Carey: Careful what you wish for Buddy...
Ryan Stiles: [During "Press Conference", where Colin is Batman announcing he's coming out of the closet] How does the partner feel about this?
Colin Mochrie: Well, he is a little worried, since he relies on me for most of the income...
[as the audience starts laughing, Colin pauses]
Colin Mochrie: I'm not sure, I may want to rephrase that later.
[points at Brad, who has his hand up]
Colin Mochrie: Yes?
Brad Sherwood: You might want to rephrase that now.
Drew Carey: Now let's go on to a game called "African Chant". As we know, Africa's a big country...
[Greg starts laughing]
Greg Proops: Or a *continent*, if you're a geographer.
Wayne Brady: [as the Mission:Impossible informant] As usual, if you or any of your team are caught or killed we will disavow any knowledge and laugh atcha'ass.
[interviewing Santa]
Brad Sherwood: What about all of you animal friends?
Colin Mochrie: Animal friends are just there to be animal friends, if they can't handle being a carpet.
[the audience gasps]
Colin Mochrie: I may have said too much.
Colin Mochrie: Welcome to the 6 o' clock news. I'm Thor, but not complaining.
Drew Carey: The points don't matter. Just like a comb to Colin Mochrie, it just doesn't matter.
Drew Carey: Occupations where breaking into song is discouraged.
Ryan Stiles: [pantomimes putting Colin into the electric chair] We're... gonna... Fry you this morning, fry you this morning!
Wayne Brady: [goes up with Jeff] I'm sorry, but your husband... Isn't gonna make it isn't gonna make it, no, ain't gonna make it, isn't gonna make it...
Jeff Bryan Davis: [continuing] Isn't gonna make it!
Colin Mochrie: [mimes trapping himself in a box] I'm a MIME!
Drew Carey: I'd like to give a plug for Ryan's new show. It's a combination of "What's Happening," "Hangin' With Mr. Cooper," "The Outer Limits" and "The PJs." It's called "What's that Hangin' Out of Your PJs?"
Ryan Stiles: Watch for it.
Drew Carey: If songs were written about life's most embarrassing moments.
Ryan Stiles: Where did all the toilet paper gooo?
Kathryn Greenwood: I love you sooooo much- oops I farted!
Colin Mochrie: Hey! That's me with the booger in my nose! Booger in my nose!
Wayne Brady: We made love at 5:06. I was done by 5:07!
Colin Mochrie: Hey I didn't mean to cook your dog! But hey, those things just happen! My was just standin' there, and his little toes they started tapping! So I cut his throat, let go kick a goat, and then I put him on the barbeque!
[Ryan pulls him offstage, end of game]
Drew Carey: And I put him on the barbecue!
Ryan Stiles: [after licking Colin's ear, Ryan ate a handful of Altoids] My mouth's on fire. I put about 30 of them in.
Drew Carey: You know, these mints are curiously strong when you pop all of them in your mouth at once.
Ryan Stiles: Wow.
Wayne Brady: He's gonna have great breath for, like, 20 years.
Brad Sherwood: Finally.
Drew Carey: [Ryan spat out the Altoids] Now the poor stage guy's gotta pick them all up...
Drew Carey: [Foreign Film Dub in Unkranian, starts hysterically laughing, then speaks mock Ukrainian]
Ryan Stiles: Hahahahahahaha! Oh, I was just laughing at an old joke I learned. Two perrogies walk into a bar.
Kathryn Greenwood: [Speaks mock Ukrainian]
Colin Mochrie: Go on.
Drew Carey: [Speaks mock Ukrainian, then stops and, in plain english] Complimentary.
Ryan Stiles: The nuts go over to the perrogies and say "Hey, you look great, have you lost weight?" and the perrogie says "What's with the nuts?" and the bartender says "They're complimentary".
[Film Noir game, set in gas station]
Colin Mochrie: [voiceover] He had the kind of face only a mother could love. If that mother was blind in one eye and had that sort of milky film over the other one. You know? You know what I mean? But still, he was my identical twin. It had taken me eight years to track him down to this gas station.
[speaking]
Colin Mochrie: Jed? It's me, Phil.
Ryan Stiles: [speaking] I recognize the voice.
[voiceover]
Ryan Stiles: As I was looking right up his dress, I knew who it was.
[gets up, speaking]
Ryan Stiles: Long time, no see.
Colin Mochrie: [voiceover] Yeah. Last time I saw him, he tried to murder me. But when you kill someone by chopping off their head, rolling them up in a carpet, and burning it, you'd better make sure they're dead.
Ryan Stiles: [speaking] What brings you by?
Colin Mochrie: [speaking] I came by for my part of the inheritance. Nice gas station you opened up.
Ryan Stiles: [speaking] Thanks.
[voiceover]
Ryan Stiles: Apparently he'd forgotten why he was kicked out of town in the first place. The sheriff caught him giving his wife a lube job in late November. I wasn't going to bring it up again, I knew it was a touchy subject for him.
[speaking]
Ryan Stiles: Haven't seen you since the lube job.
Colin Mochrie: [speaking] Hey! Come on! What the hell? Never mention that again!
Drew Carey: [after the guys were impersonating Scotsmen] Thousand points to Colin for sounding like the guy from Chicken Run.
Ryan Stiles: [Body odor Hoedown] Anybody wanna have- wanna have a- go to the bathroom, come back in...
[Sits down on the step]
Chip Esten: [Starts Yodeling]
Ryan Stiles: I'm faced out. I can't do shit.
Drew Carey: I've got one.
Ryan Stiles: Why don't you come over here and do one.
Drew Carey: [singing through Ryan] I went on a date last night, it didn't really end well. She said she wouldn't kiss me cause I had a weird smell. I said come on baby, why don't you have a heart, sure I may have B.O. but at least I didn't fart!
[Ryan accidentally rammed his head into a light fixture]
Drew Carey: Hey, Ryan, how many fingers am I holding up?
[Holds up fingers and constantly moves them]
Ryan Stiles: Uhh, 4? How about me?
[gives Drew the finger]
Wayne Brady: Thank you for saving my husband.
Ryan Stiles: Oh... you two are married?
Colin Mochrie: It's nothing permanent.
Ryan Stiles: [Narrate-Barbershop-about Colin] I knew he wasn't here for a haircut. Though, if he was, it wasn't going to take that long.
Drew Carey: Welcome to "Whose Line Is It Anyway" the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right, the points are just like the plot line of a porno film. They just don't matter.
[scenes from a hat: What Drew Carey whispers in his date's ear]
Chip Esten: What's your name again?
Ryan Stiles: Keep the change.
Ryan Stiles: [during "Greatest Hits: Songs of College"] What comes to mind when I say Ricky Ricardo and great cigars?
Colin Mochrie: Oh, tapioca!
[the audience laughs]
Ryan Stiles: [surprised] Really? Why's that?
Colin Mochrie: Wasn't that his big song?
[impersonating Ricky Ricardo]
Colin Mochrie: "Tapiooooooca! Tapiooooooca!"
Ryan Stiles: [starting to laugh] No, Colin...
[starts laughing more]
Ryan Stiles: I'm talking about Cu...
[starts laughing uncontrollably as the audience starts laughing too]
Ryan Stiles: I'm talking about Cuba, Colin...
[he turns away as he starts laughing again]
Colin Mochrie: Cuba. It's a small island.
Ryan Stiles: It is!
[still laughing hard]
Ryan Stiles: Why don't you tell the people about it?...
Colin Mochrie: Actually, we're just going to move away from Cuba for just a sec, and go to another island, an island where some of my favorite music is found-Scaa!
Ryan Stiles: Like a bunch of crows! "Scaa!"
Colin Mochrie: TAPIOCA!
Colin Mochrie: Anyway they did a great college hit- "Ra, ra, ra- Scaa ra, ra!"
Colin Mochrie: [Greatest Hits] Y'now one time I saw a strong man bend a car at a circus-waitaminute! Bend a car! PAT BENATAR!
Ryan Stiles: Okay, you've proved your point!
Colin Mochrie: You're not the only master of segues!
[Scenes Cut from a Movie - Braveheart]
Brad Sherwood: All right men, we're going into battle tomorrow! Before we do, I think we shall all take a shower!
Colin Mochrie: Ehh, I don't want my freedom.
Drew Carey: Welcome to 'Whose Line Is It Anyway?', the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right, the points are just like when I say 'I love you' when I'm drunk.
Wayne Brady: No!
Drew Carey: Welcome to 'Whose Line Is It Anyway?', the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right, the points are just like the nutrition facts on a Happy Meal.
[after a particularly physical game]
Colin Mochrie: I'm fine, Drew, I seem to have lost my battery pack somewhere in the area of my buttocks. It's okay, my pack is halfway up my ass...
Drew Carey: [scenes from a hat] Difficult questions for mommy to answer.
Wayne Brady: Mommy, how come no one looks like me on "Friends"?
Colin Mochrie: Mommy, how come no one looks like *me* on "Friends"?
Drew Carey: If you weren't listening, I said difficult questions!
Colin Mochrie: I'm adorable.
[during Hollywood Director game]
Colin Mochrie: I think it was Tennessee Williams who said, Y'all are crap.
Colin Mochrie: [Weird Newscasters] Today, legendary human cannonball, the great Zambonee, who was famous for bringing his pet donkey to each of his performances, escaped tragedy today when, just as he was about to be launched, his pet donkey walked in front of the cannon. It took paramedics three hours to remove Zambonee's head from his ass. Both are resting comfortably.
Colin Mochrie: [as a pregnant mother in Quick Change] Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!
Wayne Brady: Change.
Colin Mochrie: Oklahoma!
[foreign film dub]
Drew Carey: [speaks mock Swedish]
Ryan Stiles: [translating] I love you, but I've had too many meatballs!
Drew Carey: Welcome back to Whose Line Is It Anyway, where everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right, the points are just like everything else when you own a Porsche.
Ryan Stiles: None of us would know, Drew...
Colin Mochrie: To quote Rodgers and Hammerstein, "The hills are alive with the sounds of crap".
Drew Carey: If entertainers worked funerals.
Wayne Brady: Please gather around the body. Whooof!
[pantomimes removing the blanket]
Wayne Brady: He's not there anymore! Huh? Thank you!
[takes a bow]
Robin Williams: Is this the loved one? Alright start the truck Johnny! WOW, LOOK AT HIM MOVE! Isn't that incredible, ladies and gentlemen? With just 6 volts, you can make your relatives dance again!
Ryan Stiles: [Pantomimes opening the dead person's mouth and sticks his head in like a lion tamer in a circus act]
Colin Mochrie: [Pantomimes twirling the body like a balloon person] A dog!
Ryan Stiles: [Picks up body and holds it like a dummy] Well, Harry and I would like to thank you all for coming by, wouldn't we Harry?...
[after being kissed by Ryan]
Colin Mochrie: I can't wait to get home to my wife.
Colin Mochrie: [Drew and Ryan are fighting] Hey come on, make fun of the bald guy!
[audience laughs]
Colin Mochrie: I'll be your lighting rod of hate!
Wayne Brady: [Scenes from a hat- What George Bush really thinks about during cabinet meetings] So *that's* where poo comes from!
[Quick Change]
Ryan Stiles: [discussing a map] Well, it - it's - it's full of flaws. Look, this - this army's attacking Hawaii!
Wayne Brady: Change.
Ryan Stiles: Why - why the Salvation Army's attacking the restaurant here!
Wayne Brady: Change.
Ryan Stiles: Why uh... this is me, going after Richard Simmons!
Ryan Stiles: I wanna make a call, so I'll have to use a life line! I wanna call the mother of my baby, my sister Alicia. Are ya' there baby?
Kathryn Greenwood: Yeah, I'm here, y'know I was just about to call you, my frilly underwear's missin' again!
Ryan Stiles: Well, I ain't wearin' it!
Kathryn Greenwood: Yeah, like hell y'ain't wearin' it! What d'ya want?
Ryan Stiles: [in Southern accent] Is it A, C, D, or D?
Colin Mochrie: No, you stupid
[imitates bleeping sound]
Colin Mochrie: , it's A, B, C, or D!
Kathryn Greenwood: Well, I don't know which of them numbers it is, I'd say "C"!
Ryan Stiles: Is that yer favorite number?
Kathryn Greenwood: Yeah, baby, C's an all right number!
Drew Carey: Colin, Colin, another hundred dollars for you, buddy.
[Drew and Colin kiss]
Ryan Stiles: That's just dirty money now.
Drew Carey: How bad you want it, Mochrie? Come on, get your dirty money.
Wayne Brady: He kissed really nice... For a dude.
Ryan Stiles: I don't think the tongue was necessary, but I think...
Wayne Brady: [singing] I'm in love with a Canadian man...
Drew Carey: Just when you thought "Will & Grace" was the gayest show on TV, along comes "Whose Line Is It Anyway".
Ryan Stiles: Hey, uh...
[Wayne, Colin, and Ryan indicate wedding rings, Drew and Jeff are unmarried]
Jeff Bryan Davis: [kisses Colin and grins innocently]
Drew Carey: Man, what a rough night I had. My inflatable girlfriend ran off with my air mattress.
[World's Worst Neighbor]
Ryan Stiles: Excuse me, I'm tapped into your cable. Would you mind changing it to channel 8?
[Hollywood Director]
Colin Mochrie: You notice why the floor's clean? It's because you all suck.
Drew Carey: Christmas is a holiday that I really hate / There are just too many things that I can't relate / So every December twenty fifth I just kick off my shoes / And go down to the deli to hang out with the Jews
[answering for Newsflash game]
Colin Mochrie: I hope it's me with my clothes on.
Drew Carey: Welcome to 'Whose Line Is It Anyway?', the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right, the points are just like tasteful shoes to Ryan Stiles.
Richard Simmons: [during a game of Living Scenery] I'll be all the props for these men!
Colin Mochrie: You know, for as long as I can remember, I've had memories.
[after Chip ripped on him in a drinking hoedown]
Colin Mochrie: My mother drinks a lot, I know that isn't strange/But her behavior gets very strange./She acts like she's from somewhere else, maybe like Venus./Oh, by the way, Chip has a little penis.
[Scenes From a Hat - "What George W. Bush is really thinking during Cabinet meetings"]
[Wayne steps out, and stares around, signifying nothing; buzzer]
Greg Proops: What's the "W" stand for, anyway? Whatever...
[Buzzer]
Colin Mochrie: There isn't even a cabinet in here.
Wayne Brady: [Referring to an earlier joke] That's where poo comes from!
[playing World's worst TV programs]
Greg Proops: Hi, I'm bill from the NRA, and it's gun safety wee...
[imitates getting shot]
Colin Mochrie: But when you cut off a guys dead, roll up his body in a rug, and burn it... you better make sure he's dead!
[interviewing Santa]
Ryan Stiles: And where are you going to go after all of this is over?
Colin Mochrie: I'm thinking Mexico because I... like it there.
Ryan Stiles: I don't like the Village People, think they're kinda rude. / Don't you know their lyrics can be kinda crude. / When it's on my stereo I always hit the mute, / But I'll have to admit, the Indian's kind of cute.
Drew Carey: [after the Satan and the Schoolgirl Title Sequence] I smell a spinoff...
Wayne Brady: [Song Styles - singing a song in the style of a boy band to special guest Miss America] Hey, Miss America, what's up? I'm T.K.
[moves over]
Wayne Brady: I'm B.J.
[moves over again]
Wayne Brady: I'm J.J.
[moves over again]
Wayne Brady: And I'm O.K.
Drew Carey: Welcome to 'Whose Line Is It Anyway?', the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right, the points are just like good fashion sense to Greg and Ryan.
Drew Carey: [Scenes from a Hat] Heh heh. Th-things bald men are sick of hearing.
Wayne Brady: [Goes up as does Colin. He folds his arms then Wayne hugs him. Colin walks off but Wayne motions him back on stage] We need your head to bounce a laser of off to communicate with the satellite!
Ryan Stiles: [Colin walks back but Ryan pushes him back on stage. He bends Colin's head down] You're my only friend on this island.
Wayne Brady: [He motions Colin back on stage] No, I just had one! I don't wanna say anymore.
Colin Mochrie: No, go on, it's comedy!
Wayne Brady: Okay! Will Johnny take me to the prom?
[Shakes Colin's head like a magic 8 ball]
Drew Carey: I'll stop it now for you.
Colin Mochrie: Oh, thanks! Just in time.
Drew Carey: I was just - suggestion there you know...
Drew Carey: Yeah, stop at 10 I say!
Drew Carey: It's not me.
Drew Carey: [scenes from a hat] Things you do not want to hear your grandmother singing about.
Wayne Brady: [singing] Grandma likes to get freaky in the mornin', freaky at night! Freaky on the left...
[buzz]
Greg Proops: [singing] Grandpa doesn't touch me anymore!
[buzz]
Ryan Stiles: [singing] Oh, I put rat poison in the Christmas dinner.
[buzzer; extreme laughter from Wayne]
Ryan Stiles: [goes back up] I like to be on top!
Greg Proops: [holding Drew like an award] I'd like to thank the academy for giving me the Drew Carey award. It feels so great that only one person with funky glasses can get this award each year. I feel I'm the king of the... General Area!
[suddenly, Drew falls off the World's Worst Step!]
Drew Carey: "Strange things for a doctor to say after 'Turn your head and cough'".
Ryan Stiles: Would you like to go out to dinner sometime?
Brad Sherwood: Do you smell bacon?
Colin Mochrie: Alright, now bend over and sneeze
Ryan Stiles: Now, here's how you throw a curve.
Brad Sherwood: Maybe I should turn up the heat in here...
Wayne Brady: [Makes a clacking noise]
Ryan Stiles: [Drew just fell off the World's Worst step] Hi, I'm Drew Carey, and I'm going to teach you how to walk backwards. First you...
[Buzz]
Wayne Brady: Order Colin Mochrie's guide to dialect in other countries now! You get French-"Helloo!", Spanish-"Helloo!", Indonesian-"HELLOO!"
[Buzz]
Colin Mochrie: The Wayne Brady surfboard with a bump big enough to sit on!
[Scenes from a Hat: What "Whose Line" Cast Members Wish for, when blowing out their "B"-Day Candles]
Wayne Brady: [Blows] No more Hoedowns.
Colin Mochrie: [Blows] Let me play a Man in a scene.
Ryan Stiles: [Blows] Please, don't have Drew make me go under that desk again.
Drew Carey: Young man, I'll see you at my desk.
Drew Carey: [to Ryan] That was Ringling Bros. they want their shoes back.
Ryan Stiles: I'd like to give you the weather for the next 50 years. Sun in L.A., rain in Seattle.
[Repeated line]
Colin Mochrie: Meeeooooow!
Colin Mochrie: Oh, those frustrating banana peels! How do you get them off.
[buzz]
Colin Mochrie: [goes back up] Oh, those frustrating Gerbil Skins...
[Hoedown - Scary Wives]
Wayne Brady: Oh I got married about a year ago. I'm as happy as can be, I think you all should know. But my wife, I'm glad I did marry. Except in the morning, she looks like Drew Carey.
Drew Carey: Well, Wayne gets worried about his little wife, cause she is the love of his life. But every night, just about three, Oh, Wayne, She's out with me.
[Wayne's mouth drops, and then they dance]
Drew Carey: Two thousand points to Kathy Greenwood for kissing Ryan.
Kathryn Greenwood: Yeah!
Colin Mochrie: I never get two thousand points for kissing him.
Drew Carey: That's 'cause you like to kiss him.
Ryan Stiles: It's got to be on the show!
[Colin nods knowingly]
Drew Carey: Welcome to 'Whose Line Is It Anyway?', the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right, the points are just like Canada.
[playing scenes from a hat]
Drew Carey: Trying to look cool while doing uncool things.
[Wayne walks out and imitates pressing the buzzer]
Ryan Stiles: [to Colin Mochrie] Watch the Drew Carey Show Wednesdays at 9. Wait... there's more. Give the tall guy more lines.
Drew Carey: Gifts the three wise men considered
Wayne Brady: Mary, I give to you, a Playstation 2 for the child.
Kathryn Greenwood: It's a Chia Pet!
Ryan Stiles: [to Colin] You can't give them a pork roast!
Colin Mochrie: Water Skis.
[Shrugs]
Wayne Brady: With these modivational tapes by Jack Robbins, your child will soar...
Ryan Stiles: They call it... a thong.
Brad Sherwood: [during Song Styles; serenading a lightbulb salesgirl in the form of a Jewish wedding] You are so effervescent, Your lightbulb is fluorescent, And I am out of rhymes!
Ryan Stiles: [after being told by the censor that they couldn't make fun of Hitler, the cast do a hoedown about directors] Our director, he really is the boss / For yelling and screaming, he's never at a loss. / He's the meanest guy that you will ever see / He should sprout a mustache and move to Germany.
Drew Carey: [giving hints to Greg that the answer for Colin's "party quirk" includes gravity] What holds you to the Earth?
Greg Proops: Why, my love for you, Drew.
Drew Carey: [after a fight with Ryan Stiles] We're gonna miss you Lewis!
Ryan Stiles: [Song Titles] What's New, Pussycat?
Colin Mochrie: [Whispering] When you Wish Upon a Star
Ryan Stiles: [Points down] Blue Suede Shoes
Colin Mochrie: Nice pants.
Colin Mochrie: [during 'Narrate'] He had a face only a mother could love... if she was blind in one eye and had that sorta milky film over the other. But still, he was my identical twin brother.
Chip Esten: [Hoedown - Men] Men can be quite mean / Men can be quite bad / I'll bet you had a boyfriend / I'll bet he was a cad / I don't really like men myself / That I can tell / But my friend Ryan? / Well he thinks they're swell.
[after Colin's quirk of trying to figure out who's really a man and who's really a woman]
Drew Carey: [pulls out a can of Oust for Colin] Would you like some disinfectant for your hands?
Wayne Brady: [acting as a little boy, to Kathy] Mommy, will you show me tapes of when you used to do Whose Line?
Kathryn Greenwood: [giggles and makes gestures of using a VCR remote] ... well darling...
Drew Carey: That was amazing, Colin Mochrie!
[audience cheers and applause]
Ryan Stiles: [calling off-stage] Keith, I'm going to need two minutes.
[everyone laughs]
Ryan Stiles: And I *mean* "two minutes"!
Drew Carey: That was unbelievable!
Wayne Brady: Let's hear it for Colin Mochrie!
[starts a huge round of applause, then turns to Drew]
Wayne Brady: He's *so* gentle too!
Colin Mochrie: [embarrassed] Yeah.
Drew Carey: So 1000 points to everybody *but* Colin, because I was sitting the entire time... waiting for you to come over...
Colin Mochrie: ...oh, there's no doubt about you, my friend!
Drew Carey: [chuckles] Yep, I'm *all* man!
Drew Carey: Ryan, you are looking for a virgin to sacrifice to appease the gods. If you come near me, I'll kill you.
Colin Mochrie: Get out of town and take a bus!
Drew Carey: [Scenes from a hat] Worlds worst subject for an interpretive dance.
Ryan Stiles: [Makes wave movements with arms] Diarrhea, flows like a river.
Robin Williams: [crouches down] Impotence is a horrifying thing!
[Wayne comes in and straightens Robin up. They later hop back to their spots]
Colin Mochrie: I believe it was Shakespeare who said, "All the world's a stage, and you're crap!"
[while playing questions only, after Colin says he's Canadian]
Ryan Stiles: Have you ever heard of a place called Moosejaw, Saskatchewan?
Colin Mochrie: Isn't that right beside Left... Noob?
Colin Mochrie: [Playing the cranky old people version of Who Wants to be a Millionaire?] Here's your first question. Viagra...
Ryan Stiles: Oh! I spent my honeymoon there.
Colin Mochrie: Well there goes the first question.
[during press conference - Colin is Santa going on retirement]
Brad Sherwood: What about all the people you'll disappoint?
Colin Mochrie: Screw them.
Greg Proops: [Improbable Mission] This message will self-destruct... now - BOOM!
[Film Noir - Hardware Store]
Colin Mochrie: I need a hammer.
Ryan Stiles: I knew he needed a hammer. He also needed a couple of nails and a good screw.
Colin Mochrie: [playing impossible mission] I thought we were out of the spy buisiness?
Ryan Stiles: We're never out of the spy buisiness, Colin, not as long as tapes keep coming to the door.
Greg Proops: How would you like to make money in Real Estate?
[Ryan fast forewards]
Greg Proops: Good morning, gentlemen.
Colin Mochrie: Good morning.
Greg Proops: How are you today?
Colin Mochrie: Fine.
Ryan Stiles: How's your cold, Ryan?
Ryan Stiles: It's cleared up.
Greg Proops: Well all right then...
Colin Mochrie: Like what am I, nothing?
Greg Proops: I'd love to chat but I'm busy being on the...
[Colin fast forewards]
Greg Proops: Today's mission is of the greatest importance. The Meer of Grufunkastan, a small Middle Eastern Nation is coming to visit the President. He'll be arriving in Washington D.C., however, his flight has been delayed and his burnoose is dirty. Your mission is to go to his hotel, The George C. Clark hotel, you don't know it nevermind, and clean a new bernoose for the Meer of Grufunkastan. This tape will self destruct as soon as you throw it out the...
[Ryan throws it out the window]
Greg Proops: BOOM!
Ryan Stiles: Thank God we picked window!
Colin Mochrie: Yes. Well, we've got a mission lets get to it.
[dramatic music]
Ryan Stiles: I can't remember where the hotel is you got your Thomas Guide? E5 it's gonna be tough. Oh my God, my car's in the shop.
Colin Mochrie: Well, luckily they've marked every street and town with big numbers and letters.
Ryan Stiles: Wait a minute we're at E4 already.
Colin Mochrie: Quick, E5.
Ryan Stiles: I didn't know we lived so close to the hotel.
Colin Mochrie: No kidding, we only look out the windows to throw burning tapes.
Colin Mochrie: The Canadians are coming! The Canadians are coming!
Drew Carey: [Chip just jumped on Ryan's back] How's your back, really?
Ryan Stiles: Fine.
Ryan Stiles: Yeah, cause I saw you going
Drew Carey: [Mouths words as though he's in pain]
Ryan Stiles: No actually I was saying "Get the fuck off! Get the fuck off!' I don't know if we can air that but that's what I said.
Drew Carey: "Alternate endings to famous movies."
Colin Mochrie: Rosebud's the sled.
[Buzzer]
Drew Carey: I love the Village People, they give me confidence / Even though I'm not too bright, I am rather dense / I have a fat, white body, and I don't have a tan / But when I put on leather pants, I am a Macho Man.
Colin Mochrie: [repeated Line] THE CAT!
[Hoedown - Shoplifting]
Colin Mochrie: The other day I stole something, it really was a sin / It was a little revolver made of gelatin / It was a really bad idea, something I should have slept on/ 'Cause I was arrested for carrying a congealed weapon.
[after singing a song as a strip-o-gram]
Wayne Brady: I feel so dirty!
Drew Carey: So if you want to be on "Whose Line it is Anyway?" send a naked Polaroid of yourself to the care of 'Whose Line' Po Box: 175.
Chip Esten: That's how I got on.
[after the "Howard" Village People song malfunctions and goes insanely fast]
Greg Proops: [to Wayne] Watch out for those tempo changes, man... 'Cause when we go into the second bridge, this shit takes off.
[Hoedown - Surgery]
Ryan Stiles: My brother needed surgery, but we both were broke/I took him to a veterinarian, as a little joke/He didn't mind a bit. I didn't hear a peep/So I said, "What the hell?" and had him put to sleep.
Drew Carey: The points are like Keith Richards to a vampire.
Drew Carey: Things to say that will always start a fight.
Ryan Stiles: You guys wanna fight?
Ryan Stiles: Hey, Clinton, what's with the fat broad?
Colin Mochrie: One of my personal favorite artists is the wonderful artist named Cher. And although I love much of her late stuff, her early stuff is the stuff that I really, really love.
Ryan Stiles: It was good stuff!
Colin Mochrie: Let's not say "stuff" anymore.
Ryan Stiles: Okay!
Ryan Stiles: How much would you pay for a 5-CD set like this? Or even a 50-CD set like this?
Colin Mochrie: Why, I'd pay up to $50,000... but I'm an idiot!
Ryan Stiles: And you're from Canada, so with the exchange...
Colin Mochrie: I'm still an idiot!
Drew Carey: [playing Scenes from a Hat] "People you wish would just shut up..."
Wayne Brady: [steps out] People you wish would just shut up...
Greg Proops: I'm Alex Trebek, and this is Jeopardy.
[Buzz]
Greg Proops: Oh, I'm sorry, that buzz was too late.
Greg Proops: I had an idea for a show! Four women with different viewpoints. Maybe too different!
Drew Carey: [playing "Scenes From A Hat"] Strange items to ask a neighbor to borrow.
Kathy Griffin: Suzanne, I need to borrow your husband!
Colin Mochrie: Hi, I need some monkey testicles and a cola.
Ryan Stiles: [Meer of Grufunkastan - Impossible Mission] We're gonna need some type of detergent.
Colin Mochrie: Detergent, Detergent... the cat! No that's no good!
Ryan Stiles: Wait a minute, bars of soap there's nothing but bars of soap. But where gonna have to agitate it in some way.
Colin Mochrie: [Colin gets in the tub] Give me the beans.
Ryan Stiles: It's working! It's clean!
Colin Mochrie: It's taking to long! The Snackipark of Imar will be hear.
Ryan Stiles: We've gotta dry it ourselves... what?
[Ryan begins hysterically laughing]
Colin Mochrie: The cat!
Ryan Stiles: The cat, stop it with the cat...
[Ryan is hysterically laughing again]
Colin Mochrie: It's clean. Bring me some fabric softener.
Ryan Stiles: [through laughing fits] Fabric softener?
Colin Mochrie: Well, you can't have static cling. The burnoose will stick to it's thing! The cat!
[Ryan's laughing hysterically]
Colin Mochrie: Is anyone coming?
Ryan Stiles: [laughing] No.
Colin Mochrie: It's perfect, it's perfect
Ryan Stiles: Good!
Colin Mochrie: You better model it!
Ryan Stiles: Oh, it fell in the water again! The cat!
Colin Mochrie: The cat's wet now!
Colin Mochrie: Wait, give me a match!
[lights the burnoose on fire]
Colin Mochrie: Oh, man!
Colin Mochrie: It's ok I have an extra burnoose!
Ryan Stiles: [buzzer] I can't stop laughing!
Greg Proops: [playing Bad Dating Service Videos] I have a fish head on. I'm fucking 42 years old.
Ryan Stiles: [During "Dating Service Video", wearing a hat with a turkey on it] This year, I do all the stuffing.
Ryan Stiles: Hey, Colin.
Colin Mochrie: What, Ryan?
Ryan Stiles: How much money would you pay for a 2-CD set like this?
Colin Mochrie: Oh, I don't know... 39 dollars?
Ryan Stiles: [angrily] Unfortunately, it's $69.95.
Colin Mochrie: [hastily recovering] But I was talking $39.00 in a foreign currency that doesn't quite...
Ryan Stiles: Hey, Col.
Colin Mochrie: Yeah, Ry?
Ryan Stiles: Here's a little riddle for you.
Colin Mochrie: All right.
Ryan Stiles: What kind of bird always says the name of our next band?
Colin Mochrie: Oh, I guess... a... tern? An arctic tern?
Ryan Stiles: And what sound does an arctic tern make?
Colin Mochrie: [in a high pitched voice] Backstreet Boys?
Ryan Stiles: [laughing hysterically] No, Colin! That's wrong!
Colin Mochrie: Why don't you tell us what's right?
Ryan Stiles: I was thinking of an owl, that goes Hoo, Hoo! The Who is the next band on our CD set...
[cracks up again]
Ryan Stiles: [during Sound Effects] I'll distract them by making a noise like a duck!
Two women from the audience: Quack quack quack quack quack!
Ryan Stiles: Yeah, that wasn't just one duck, that was a whole flock of ducks!
Colin Mochrie: Okay. Then, I'll make a noise like an elephant!
Two women from the audience: Quack quack quack quack quack!
[laughter from the audience and Drew Carey]
Colin Mochrie: The Beatles! Rolling Stones! Barbra Streisand! Bruce Springsteen! These are just some of the people who threatened to sue if we used their songs.
Ryan Stiles: And we have put together a lot of great songs about retirement, 43 songs on one CD. But it's a big one.
[Spreads hands apart]
Ryan Stiles: And it's made out of chocolate.
[Colin gives him a confused look]
Ryan Stiles: I had a little something to drink earlier.
Colin Mochrie: Yeah.
Drew Carey: [Scenes from a hat] Things that make the audience boo!
Ryan Stiles: [to Colin] What color's your poo in the morning
[BOO]
Jeff Bryan Davis: Okay so we have our potatoes simmering. Now after we filet the baby seal.
[BOO!]
Ryan Stiles: You simply wait for traffic, then you push the old lady. Push the old lady.
[mixed boos and applause]
Ryan Stiles: I wasn't looking for applause on that one. I was looking for...
Jeff Bryan Davis: And the award for the best actor goes to - Keanu Reeves.
[BOOOOOOO]
Drew Carey: Points are like the other guy from WHAM.
Drew Carey: Things you don't expect to hear when you put your ear to a seashell.
Ryan Stiles: [referring to last scene] I'm Spartacus!
Wayne Brady: Put me down!
Robin Williams: Who's your daddy?
[Scenes from a Hat - Unlikely songs to serenade her with]
Ryan Stiles: [singing] You're... the... best I can get...
Colin Mochrie: [singing] You seem real easy and willing to put out, so roll in the cream cheese, roll in the cream cheese.
Drew Carey: I'd like to give a plug for Colin's new movie - er - television show, actually. It's a combination between "Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?" and "Hair!" It's called "Where in the World is My Hair?"
Drew Carey: [Scenes from a Hat] "Things that will cause a Drew Carey spit take."
[takes his mug into his hand, ready for the spit take]
Drew Carey: [Ryan and Colin come out - Ryan kisses Colin, causing Drew to do the spit take]
Ryan Stiles: [During Quick Change] Honey, I think we should name the baby Bill.
Drew Carey: Change.
Ryan Stiles: I think we should name the baby Drew.
Drew Carey: Change.
Ryan Stiles: I think we should name it C-3PO.
Drew Carey: Boy, Wayne sure has a tickly butt, huh?
Ryan Stiles: [Greatest Hits - Songs of the Chiropractor] Hey, Colin?
Colin Mochrie: Yes, Ryan.
Ryan Stiles: How many songs are on this 2D CD set? 2D CC 2D CD set!
[both laugh]
Colin Mochrie: I mentioned it earlier. If you weren't listening, tough!
Drew Carey: [Film, TV, and Theater Styles] Horror theater. Horror movies.
Ryan Stiles: [to Kathy] You two aren't married? You whore.
[Colin almost trips off the steps on-stage. Ryan catches him]
Ryan Stiles: [seriously] I just saved your life.
Chip Esten: [Newsflash - referring to the fact that Colin standing in front of video clips of himself]
Chip Esten: Now I notice you're not wearing sunglasses to cover up that incredible shine!
Drew Carey: [Scenes from a hat] Versions of hell, other than eternal flame.
Ryan Stiles: Okay, that's a thousand points for Colin, it's time for Hoedown.
Colin Mochrie: Let's hear that Yentl soundtrack one more time!
[when no one laughs, he does his "Lightning Rod of Hate" signal]
Wayne Brady: Mississippi, I'm still in Mississippi!
Greg Proops: Mississippi, *I'm* still in Mississippi!
Drew Carey: The points don't matter just like Jerry Springer's final thought.
Colin Mochrie: Hey, Ryan! What amazing gizmo is that?
Ryan Stiles: After you fix your face, you're gonna want to fix other areas of your body.
Colin Mochrie: Exactly, because a good face, blah blah blah.
Ryan Stiles: Well we don't want to look like this.
[turns item upside down]
Ryan Stiles: We want to look like this.
[turns item right side up and uses pump where darts fall off]
Ryan Stiles: Woah! If knew that was going to happen I really would have fired those!
Ryan Stiles: Anyway, that was just another product launch.
Brad Sherwood: [as a drill sergeant, to Wayne, Ryan and Colin] I just wanna stand here and stare at my privates!
Drew Carey: Now what we need is the name of an occupation you wanted to be when you grow up.
Audience Member: Prostitute!
Drew Carey: Ooooh... really. Don't hear that every day. Come see me after you grow up.
[as the "Weird Newscasters" weatherman, Ryan is about to die, and his life is flashing before his eyes]
Ryan Stiles: What are we fighting for Grenada for? I don't even want this country!
Ryan Stiles: [Scenes from a hat- U.S cities that will never have a song written about them] We wouve you Walla Walla, Washington! We wouve you Walla Walla, Washington
Colin Mochrie: Proud citizens of Dog-Lick...
Wayne Brady: Our arms are wide open at Muscelahoochehella Alabama, Muscelahoochehella Alabama...
Ryan Stiles: We call it Butte- Not Butt- Montana!
Jeff Bryan Davis: Who wants an Oxnard, I do, I do!
Ryan Stiles: [In a stoner voice] What's the matter with Weed?
Colin Mochrie: [Millionaire Show] Here is your question. Your transvestite lover and you, are invited to a black tie affair. Do you: A, pass her off as your wife. B, pass her off as your brother. C, pass her off as your husband. D, tell to lose the chaps.
Ryan Stiles: Wow, I don't know nothing about vampires...
Colin Mochrie: Transvestites, not Transylvanians you moron! Transvestites!
Drew Carey: Welcome to 'Whose Line Is It Anyway?', the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right, the points are just like underwear to Sharon Stone.
[Backstreet Boys HoeDown]
Drew Carey: Oh, I hate radio today. They ain't got nothing good to play all. / All they play is junk. They are in a rut, I wish they'd take the Backstreet Boys / and shove'um their butt.
Drew Carey: WOOOOOO! Welcome back to Whose Line is it Anyway, the show where everything's made up, and the points don't matter.
Ryan Stiles: We just came back from a commercial, and "WOOOO!"
Colin Mochrie: [Scenes from a hat- What really made the kids in Blair Witch run off screaming] There's going to be a crappy sequel!
Wayne Brady: His shoes, they're so blue!
Drew Carey: [Scenes from a hat] What Drew Carey thinks about before he drifts to sleep.
Wayne Brady: Ah! Money.
Ryan Stiles: He's so tall!
Colin Mochrie: Maybe tomorrow I'll lick his head!
[Scenes from a Hat - Rejected themes for a restaurant]
Josie Lawrence: Welcome to Dead Cats. 109 recipes that you can do with your pussy.
Drew Carey: I don't know if they told you, but in America, we can only get away with that if we pronounced it puss-ay.
Ryan Stiles: [singing] Where did all the toilet paper go?
[Narrate - Bike Shop]
[Colin grabs the banana seat out of Ryan's pants]
Colin Mochrie: What's this? That's my banana seat! My banana seat!
Ryan Stiles: [voiceover] I'm going to get my gun.
[Ryan gets his gun out of a cabinet]
Colin Mochrie: [voiceover] As he was going for his gun, several emotions ran across my face: Fear, happiness, sadness. I knew I was going for an Emmy and yet would never get one. Damn!
Colin Mochrie: Hey, what do you think you're doing with that?
Ryan Stiles: I want the seat back and I want the seat back now.
Colin Mochrie: What do you want with it?
[Ryan looks for a place to put the gun while narrating]
Colin Mochrie: I'll hold it.
[without thinking, Ryan gives Colin the gun]
Ryan Stiles: [voiceover] He asked me what I wanted with it. And although I didn't know, at this point I thought, "Maybe I shouldn't have given him the gun..."
Colin Mochrie: I want you to assemble my bike the way you found it.
Ryan Stiles: [voiceover] Oh, yeah, it's assembled, but wait until he rides it.
Colin Mochrie: These are Firestone tires!
Two women from the audience: [performing sound effects] Crick, crick, crick, crick, crick...
Ryan Stiles: I've got a crick.
Drew Carey: Welcome to 'Whose Line Is It Anyway?', the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right, the points are just like the salad bar at a strip club.
Brad Sherwood: [during the dating show game] Wayne was either the Wicked Witch of the West, or Barbara Bush.
Colin Mochrie: We're gonna have to blow it.
Ryan Stiles: Blow the door? Are you out of your mind?
Colin Mochrie: No, I mean blow it up.
Greg Proops: In a world full of poop, there's just one prooper. I'm Greg Proops, the pooper scooper.
Ryan Stiles: [Beach hoedown] I went to the beach one day, and the water was cold/ I went in because I thought that I was bold/ When I jumped in, it was colder than I feared/that was the day that my penis disappeared!
Greg Proops: [playing scenes from a hat with worst state mottos] Mississippi: We do too have all our teeth!
Colin Mochrie: Miami: The land time remembered.
Drew Carey: Miami's a city.
Colin Mochrie: Flordia: Not to be confused with Miami.
Ryan Stiles: Montana: How fast can you drive?
Ryan Stiles: Utah welcomes you and your wives
Greg Proops: Texas: Capital Punishment rocks!
Drew Carey: Couldn't agree more!
Drew Carey: Take it away, Laura, whenever you're ready. The ugly hoedown.
[the music begins playing]
Wayne Brady: [singing] Let me tell you something that happened just the other day/My date was so ugly I almost ran away/She was just horrific, where can I begin?/When that heffer was born her mama should have pushed her back in.
[spoken]
Wayne Brady: Ugly!
Drew Carey: [singing] I met a girl at a nightclub/It was pretty dark/Thought I'd take her home just for a lark/But when I saw her in the light I ran a mile/Cause she looked just like Ryan Stiles.
[Wayne and Drew do a swing your partner dance and giggle while Ryan clearly prepares his response]
Colin Mochrie: [singing] I'm an ugly woman/Yes, it is not fair/I have an ugly face and I have no hair/What can I do? That's the way the fates went/The only person who'll sleep with me is the president.
Ryan Stiles: [singing] I am so ugly that I'll never have a lover/When I leave the house all the dogs run for cover/I'm big and white and round and my back is so hairy/Yes you guessed it, my name is Drew Carey
Ryan Stiles: [scene to rap, Top Gun] I'm a bird flyin' through the air/come near me if you dare/my feathers are white and my beak is flat/I hit your windshield and go SPLAT!
Colin Mochrie: [flapping his arms like a bird] I don't have a ryhme, boo-hoo.
Wayne Brady: I thought he was a bird/but that ain't that/'cause everybody know's Canadians can't rap.
Brad Sherwood: [Colin is acting like a seal] I would like you to meet Stephen Hawking.
[Audience boo's as Colin gives a weak grin]
Drew Carey: For my next trick I'll need a female form the audience in about twenty minutes.
Colin Mochrie: [laughing] Twenty minutes.
Chip Esten: [laughing] Female.
Drew Carey: If you've never seen the show before, what's going to happen is these four performers are going to come out here and make everything up for you, right off the top of their heads. At the end of every game, I give them points, I don't know why. It's just a little gag to hold the show together. And then, at the end of the night, we choose a winner, and the winner gets to do a little something special with me.
Brad Sherwood: [weird newscasters] Hello, I'm Chester Snapdragon-McFisticuff.
Ryan Stiles: ["World's Worst... " things to say at an awards show]
Ryan Stiles: [angry] I will not accept this reward until they tear down the wall that separates Germany!
[Colin whispers into Ryan's ear]
Ryan Stiles: [sheepish] Thank you.
Jeff Bryan Davis: Well, frankly, my dear, I don't give a Spam.
Ryan Stiles: [during Newsflash; Colin is in a scene with half-naked women in bathing suits running around on a beach] Colin, can you keep us abreast of what's going on out here?
Ryan Stiles: [Scnes from a hat- Unlikely subjects to be the basis of a musical] What's the mattter with roadkill? What's the matter with roadKILL!
Colin Mochrie: How does food become poo? I'll tell you!
Ryan Stiles: Whyyyyyyy do dogs lick themselves?
Ryan Stiles: [singing the gambling hoedown] I just heard that Vegas just went broke./Apparently it all happened cause of one single bloke./I never thought that they'd ever see this day... /... but that's what happens when Drew Carey eats buffet!
[Drew Carey then attempts to punch Ryan]
Ryan Stiles: Only two good things come from Ohio: Stadium mustard and Drew Carey.
Colin Mochrie: [Greatest Hits, Songs of the Fireman - after a Queen parody song] Oh, we're gonna have to call a fireman to put *you* out!
Ryan Stiles: Mercury's rising!
Drew Carey: Welcome to 'Whose Line Is It Anyway?', the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right, the points are just like the plot in 'Mission: Impossible 2'.
Ryan Stiles: [World's Worst Hitchhiker] Hi, mind if I put on some Michael Bolton?
[buzz]
Ryan Stiles: [goes back up] Hi, I'm Michael Bolton!
Colin Mochrie: [using people as objects] I'm gonna use the giant tea pot we brought.
Ryan Stiles: Really.
Colin Mochrie: Don't ask me.
Wayne Brady: [as a novelty singing bass fish] Yes, I really love you / We could have a ball / We could make love and / You can mount me on your wall.
Colin Mochrie: [Newsflash-Himself] Look at the beauty of what's going on here! The sheer BEAUTY!
[during "Songs of Accounting"]
Colin Mochrie: And out of great boredom comes great songs.
Colin Mochrie: [Arm hair infomercial] Are you tired of people giving you bananas, mistaking you for a chimp? I am!
Colin Mochrie: [random line in Irish drinking song] There's blood in my stool!
Drew Carey: I'm Drew Carey, and just like the Muppets, I've got someone's hand up my butt.
Colin Mochrie: [infomercial] What's this?
Ryan Stiles: What is that, Colin?
Colin Mochrie: I don't know.
[puts item in the box]
Ryan Stiles: [Whose Line-Beauty and the Beast]
[as the beast]
Ryan Stiles: Who is it?
Colin Mochrie: Beauty.
[pause]
Colin Mochrie: Beauty Smith.
Ryan Stiles: Oh, Beauty come in.
Drew Carey: Welcome to 'Whose Line Is It Anyway?', the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right, the points are just like the credits in a porno movie.
Drew Carey: Hi, I'm your host, Drew Carey, come on down, and let's have some fun.
Brad Sherwood: ["Scenes from a Hat: Odd Choices for a Presidential Running Mate"] I'd like you all to meet my running mate.
[starts unzipping his pants]
[Weird Newscasters: Ryan's weather map is covering the gateway to Hell, and he's struggling to keep them closed. He says he's being drawn in]
Ryan Stiles: [Like he's changing channels] Friends! Can't stop watching Friends!
[Like he's listening to bad music]
Ryan Stiles: Ah, somebody turn off the Michael Bolton music!
[Ryan approaches Drew's desk and gasps]
Ryan Stiles: So this is how you got two shows!
Colin Mochrie: [scene to rap, outer space] Yo, I'm the doctor in this place/I'm the best doctor in outer space/for me this disaster will be a real tes/waitaminute I think there's something in my chest.
[shoots out hand to mimic an alien chest-burster]
Drew Carey: [Scenes from a hat] Bad topics to open a conversation with.
Colin Mochrie: [to Ryan] What color's your poo first thing in the morning?
[referring to a previous scene where Ryan kissed Colin on the top of his head while Colin's eyes were closed]
Ryan Stiles: I said to Colin.
[pauses for audience to quiet down]
Ryan Stiles: I said to Colin, did you know that was me? He goes, yeah. I go, how did you know? He goes, I know your lips.
Ryan Stiles: That disk just popped right back in!
Chip Esten: I broke Ryan.
Drew Carey: The other Spice Girls.
Brad Sherwood: [everyone comes out] I'm Velcro Spice!
Kathy Kinney: I'm Gravy Spice!
Colin Mochrie: I'm Old Spice!
Ryan Stiles: I'm Cilantro!
[singing as a strip-o-gram to a retired lunch lady]
Wayne Brady: And today's Friday/it's the best day of all/because you get to have, a little spaghetti/and two big meatba-
[cracks up]
Drew Carey: [90 second alphabet in a resturant] Xaviera Hollander told me about this place...
Ryan Stiles: Yes, he's been here some time.
Drew Carey: Ziegfried and Roy recommended this place to me...
Ryan Stiles: Absolutely! They've all been here!
Drew Carey: Bozo the Clown said...
Ryan Stiles: Clowns? We never serve clowns!
[to Wayne]
Richard Simmons: You have the most beautiful teeth!
[Unlikely Superheroes]
Colin Mochrie: It's me, Run-Away-From-Danger Man.
Ryan Stiles: Did someone call for Captain Pork?
Ryan Stiles: [scenes from a hat, latin american sports anouncers on their day off] I'll have a cheeseburger, two large fries and a COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOKE!
[buzz]
Ryan Stiles: [returns to stage] You forgot my COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOKE!
[buzz]
Ryan Stiles: [returning] Where the hell is my COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOKE?
[Greatest Hits: "I'm the Groom" by the Beach Boys]
Wayne Brady: [singing] I'm gonna get married. I'm gonna find myself a guy...
[he breaks down laughing; the band also breaks down]
Brad Sherwood: [strange voice, drinking motion] The band's had a little too much to drink!
[Scenes From a Hat - "Weird things to hear from the voices in your head"]
Ryan Stiles: Just cut one brake line and you could be sitting behind that desk...
Drew Carey: Welcome to 'Whose Line Is It Anyway?', the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right, the points are just like a hat in an orgy.
Ryan Stiles: You know, Colin, there's a lot of music on this CD set for older people, but there's also music for the young kids of today.
Colin Mochrie: Get out!
Ryan Stiles: Yes, one of today's most popular bands is Kid Rock!
Colin Mochrie: No, I did not know that.
Ryan Stiles: And of course- they're not...
[Drew is laughing really hard]
Ryan Stiles: Am I saying something wrong here?
Drew Carey: Kid Rock's just one guy.
Ryan Stiles: Of course it is. You know, one of my favorite bands is Kid Rock! He's just one guy, but he's large!
Drew Carey: Normally, I'd give Wayne all the points, but something about the way Greg was tapping his toes...
[laughs]
Drew Carey: That's right, baby. See me in my trailer after the show.
Drew Carey: Welcome to 'Whose Line Is It Anyway?', the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right, the points are just like deodorant to a cab driver.
[Let's Make a Date]
Chip Esten: Bachelor number two, if I were a drink I believe I would be a margarita because I am tall... and... salty... and I... always have Tequila in me.
Ryan Stiles: [song titles] Blue suede shoes.
Colin Mochrie: Nice pants.
Colin Mochrie: Now, to make sure the bad breath is going away, use the bad breath indicator. Ryan, breathe.
Ryan Stiles: Oh.
Colin Mochrie: If it doesn't turn colors, your breath smells great! If it turns black, get help right away!
Ryan Stiles: Hey, we'll even throw in this, Colin, I'm pregnant!
[both laugh]
Brad Sherwood: Hello and welcome to the six o'clock news. Veteran rock musicians Roger Daltrey, Keith Moon, Pete Townsend, and John Entwistle broke into an animal hospital today and set free all of the doberman pinschers. The police said they that they now have proof that The Who let the dogs out.
Colin Mochrie: Y'now, in Canada, they don't have beds, they have cots with filly paper on them-wait a second! Bed cot filly paper? RED HOT CHILLI PEPPERS!
Ryan Stiles: They don't get it
Colin Mochrie: Bed, cot, filly, paper, red, hot, chilli, peppers.
Ryan Stiles: Oh!
Colin Mochrie: Yeah, like it made sense before!
[Narrate - Fast Food Place/Burger Joint]
[Colin has just discovered the Maltese Burger]
Ryan Stiles: I guess it's all yours. You got me.
Colin Mochrie: [voiceover] It all seemed too easy... way too easy. That's when he did something totally unexpected. Something so crazy and wild that it took me totally by surprise. Even though it was kind of funny, it was still really weird!
[Ryan kisses Colin on the lips]
[Two-Line Vocabulary]
Ryan Stiles: What do I look like?
Colin Mochrie: I'll tell you what you look like: A big stick with a big nose!
Brad Sherwood: There's nothing like a 200-pound snatch, if you know what I mean.
[everyone dissolves into laughter]
Ryan Stiles: That one will never get on the air, if you know what I mean.
Drew Carey: You are a bad...
Brad Sherwood: That is a weightlifting term!
Ryan Stiles: Of course it is!
Wayne Brady: This show brought to you by the Church of Latter-day Saints.
Drew Carey: Hey, kids, how come you're not in bed right now?
Brad Sherwood: [quoting a parent] This is the last time you get to watch that show.
Ryan Stiles: If you know what I mean.
Drew Carey: Well, two hundred pounds for each of you, and...
[Scenes from a Hat - The title for Drew Carey's second book]
Colin Mochrie: [pretending to read the book's cover; referring to when Drew Carey referred to Africa as a country] The difference between continents and countries.
Ryan Stiles: [Newsflash-nuclear testing site] Colin, I was told that when you first came here, you had hair!
Colin Mochrie: Yeah, well what do you mean by that,Stick Boy!
Drew Carey: Let me tell you about Wayne, Colin, and Ryan's... and Brad's newest movie, they all have a movie coming out, it's a combination of Coyote Ugly, Scary Movie, and X-Men. It's called 'It's Scary How Ugly Those Men Are'.
Colin Mochrie: About the Village People I have a lot of facts. / Did you know they made a movie? Yes, they axe.
[act]
Colin Mochrie: It really is quite wonderful, I can't believe my eyes, / If you laid them end to end, I wouldn't be surprised.
[after Party Quirks, when Ryan was playing a foal being born]
Drew Carey: Ryan "Anything for Laughs" Stiles.
Ryan Stiles: That's how I got the job in the other show, remember?
Ryan Stiles: [Infomercial] You know, nail biting can be cured by simple products that you can get at the drug store, but why go that way, when you can buy our complicated product?
Drew Carey: It's good to know that when the world is in danger Captain Bloodloss will be there.
Ryan Stiles: [Millionaire show] Phyllis, did you hear the question hunny?
Wayne Brady: Oh yeah, I love money! Everybody loves money. One time I had relations with 45 men at one time.
Ryan Stiles: Those were Germans, hunny. We're in different times now.
Drew Carey: [Scenes from a Hat] Things that will get 'bleeped' by the censors.
Wayne Brady: En espanol, I am "El Grande Ricardo", but you can call me "Big Dick".
[buzz]
Greg Proops: I'm George Bush and I'm a fucking indigimimite.
[buzz]
Colin Mochrie: [reffering to a cat] Here, pussy!
[buzz]
Drew Carey: [laughing] Bloopers from the first 100 episodes.
Colin Mochrie: Here, pussy!
[Greg and Wayne go up and start kissing]
Greg Proops: He's... uh...
Wayne Brady: [Starts humming the Irish Drinking Song]
Wayne Brady: [Puts on Drew's glasses] Hi, welcome to Whose Line it an- Oh, gosh I'm so stupid!
Colin Mochrie: [Referring to an earlier scene] H-O-R-W-A-R-D!
Brad Sherwood: [frequently, during Party Quirks] Drew, get out of my closet!
Drew Carey: Confusing battle cries.
Wayne Brady: Hurt you!
Ryan Stiles: Don't shoot until you see the whites!
Colin Mochrie: Give me liberty, or a bran muffin!
Colin Mochrie: Get my brown pants!
Wayne Brady: Every last one of us will defend the alamo, right?
[looks behind him, sees nothing]
Wayne Brady: What the hell?
[Pantomiming handing each thing to Greg]
Ryan Stiles: Here's my number. My fax number. A picture of me with my clothes off.
Wayne Brady: Well, she's a dog and she's so fine / She's the canine that's on my mind / She's Lassie.
[Drew Carey has just wrote down Porno for one of the styles for Film,T.V,and Theater Styles]
Drew Carey: It's like,B-7... PORNO!
Drew Carey: [Scenes From A Hat] Inappropriate anecdotes on a celebrity talk show.
Wayne Brady: [laughter] ... no, so I left the body in the trunk, and everyone is like, "Ooh, what's that smell"?
[buzz]
Colin Mochrie: ...so, things are tough, I'm a big ho. And...
[buzz]
Colin Mochrie: I'm s...
Robin Williams: ...so I said: "Get off me grandma, I'm done"!
[buzz]
Wayne Brady: ...so, I'm looking through the window, and there's Robin and his grandmother, and I'm like...
[buzz]
Ryan Stiles: So... anyway, long story short,
[pointing at his wedding ring]
Ryan Stiles: this is the stone I passed!
Drew Carey: [after choosing a male audience member to be serenaded] Regular viewer are wondering why I didn't pick the cute girl like usual. While, Chip and Wayne, you are going to sing to Derrik who works with diesel in the style of The Village People.
[Scenes From a Hat - If Famous Movie Lines had Product Placements]
Colin Mochrie: Rosebud... the last word in sleds.
Colin Mochrie: [at the desk] Bad pick-up lines.
Drew Carey: Hey, wanna see a picture of my penis?
[buzzer]
Ryan Stiles: Hey, wanna see a picture of Drew Carey's penis?
[buzzer]
Ryan Stiles: [laughter]
[introducing another Greatest Hits collection]
Colin Mochrie: One of my favorite alternative bands is Green Day. They're from your hometown, aren't they?
Ryan Stiles: I don't know, where am I from?
Drew Carey: Things you can see from outer space besides the Great Wall of China.
Kathryn Greenwood: Look, those are Ryan's shoes.
Ryan Stiles: [Scene with an audience member] Look, I'll go over here in the corner so you and Giselle can say goodbye.
Colin Mochrie: I thought we had something special Giselle.
Audience Member - Giselle: [Reading from a card. Giselle chuckles slightly] "You're uglier than him."
Drew Carey: World's Least Popular Monuments
Brad Sherwood: Over here folks, you'll see the Statue of Puberty.
[buzz]
Brad Sherwood: Over here is the Viagra Falls!
Drew Carey: I said LEAST popular
Brad Sherwood: Oh! Wow!
Drew Carey: [after a "song styles" unexpectedly malfunctions by speeding up] Thanks a lot, Howard. Or as Wayne Brady spells it, Horward... H-O-R-W-A-R-D!
Wayne Brady: ...it's hard to spell when you're going 210 beats per minute, Drew.
Drew Carey: If famous movie lines were done by cartoon characters.
Greg Proops: [as Scooby Doo] Uh, frankly my dear, I don't give a damn!
Colin Mochrie: [as Elmer Fudd] Feeling wucky punk!
Ryan Stiles: [as Popeye] I'll be back-agagagagagagag!
Colin Mochrie: [as Snagglepuss] Rosebud, even!
Wayne Brady: [as Yogi Bear] Hey, Punk! Are you feeing lucky? Do you wanna see what's in my pic-a-nic basket?
[Songs you wouldn't want to hear in prison]
Wayne Brady: [singing] So who's the slightly effeminate one, that's me...
Brad Sherwood: [singing] Who dropped the soap... who dropped the soap...
Ryan Stiles: [singing] Jim's escaping through the hole in the wall, the hole in the wall, the hole in the wall...
Colin Mochrie: [singing] With the wig... you remind me... of Julia...
[the Village People Hoedown]
Wayne Brady: I love the Village People, now please don't get me wrong / I love YMCA, hey girl, that's my song / But you see in Fran Sancisco is where they belong / And all them Village People inspired me to wear my thong.
Drew Carey: Hey, welcome back to Whose Line. I'm Drew Carey, or as Hannibal Lecter calls me, dinner for two.
Drew Carey: Welcome to 'Whose Line Is It Anyway?', the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right, the points are just like a condom to a Trekkie.
Colin Mochrie: Now over to our weatherman, Dwayne TheBathtub.
Drew Carey: Welcome to 'Whose Line Is It Anyway?', the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right, the points are just like street signs to a cab driver.
Drew Carey: What Drew Carey is thinking right now.
Ryan Stiles: I wish Ryan was on this side so I can look at his ASS!
Ryan Stiles: Let's face it, without hillbillies we wouldn't have Jerry Springer.
Colin Mochrie: Oh! There's a wind a comin'.
Ryan Stiles: There's a what?
Colin Mochrie: A wind!
Ryan Stiles: A wind a comin'?
Colin Mochrie: Wind a comming, I heard it on a farm once.
[Let's make a date: Ryan is a Secret Service Agent protecting President Colin]
Ryan Stiles: [when asked what his ancestors did for him] They took a bullet for me.
Ryan Stiles: [when asked about the things he likes] I enjoy a good cigar like my number one guy here.
[Ryan shoots Wayne in the head]
Chip Esten: [Drunk Mother Hoedown] Well, I knew Colin's mother / And let me tell you the truth / When she was nursing Colin / Her milk was 90 proof / She tried to kick the habit / She didn't know what to do / But if your baby looked like that / Then you'd be drinking too.
Colin Mochrie: [Ryan has just packed a gun] What are you doing with that violin?
Ryan Stiles: Thought I'd... play a lil' tune!
Ryan Stiles: [begins Playing] Ooooh, I'm gonna shoot you once I get a gunnnn!
[during "Songs of Accounting"]
Colin Mochrie: Every song a hit, and every hit a smack!
Colin Mochrie: [worlds worst priest] hmm... say 10 Hail Mary's and the Gilligan's Island theme
Ryan Stiles: Today i'm going to be delivering the sermon as John Wayne.
[as John Wayne]
Ryan Stiles: And in the beginning...
Drew Carey: [playing scenes from a hat] What Robin Williams thinking right.
Robin Williams: I have a career, what the hell am I doing?
Drew Carey: [scenes from a hat] Bad times to smoke a cigarette.
Colin Mochrie: Fire!
[takes a puff]
Jeff Bryan Davis: [takes two puffs] All right, push, Mrs. Johnson.
Colin Mochrie: [Ryan crouches near Colin's buttocks and smokes] I can't believe I broke my old record of six burritos.
Colin Mochrie: [after his shirt is slammed in numerous games] I can't believe I'm missing bald jokes.
Drew Carey: Welcome to 'Whose Line Is It Anyway?', the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right, the points are just like the plot in a lesbian prison movie.
Brad Sherwood: Wanna see my fingers go blurry?
[gives the finger and his hands get blurred out]
Colin Mochrie: [Whose Line- The Alamo] Rid the bullets. Get your knife. grab that rock. When I give the signal we're going to yell out the worst sounding battle cry ever. Ready?
Ryan Stiles: Turn away.
[Pantomimes lifting his French Maid skirt and grabbing a knife]
Colin Mochrie: Here take this rock. Let's run out and we'll shout the worst-the most terrifying battle cry these guys ever heard.
Ryan Stiles: I'm with ya!
Colin Mochrie: Alright here we go!
Colin Mochrie, Ryan Stiles: [They read the slip of paper] SHUT UP AND TOUCH THE MONKEY!
[the pretend to get shot by the enemy. Drew buzzes them out]
Brad Sherwood: This is the Devil's work!
Colin Mochrie: [to Ryan] Man, maybe you shouldn't have broken up, cause you're gonna need all the loving you can get, or maybe you can just buy hookers! You are a millionaire!
Drew Carey: [Scenes from a hat] "World's worst catchphrases."
Colin Mochrie: Nieieieeieieiiice pants!
Ryan Stiles: I just need the answer, is it A, C, C, or D?
Wayne Brady: Meh, might help if I knew the question you snooty, you doody.
Ryan Stiles: What's the capital of Paraguay, Warden, you're from there for god's sake!
Wayne Brady: It's P! P! The big P!
Ryan Stiles: Thanks.
Wayne Brady: Meh.
Colin Mochrie: That's one smart sheep.
Colin Mochrie: [acting out Zorro] I bet you're wondering what part of Mexico I'm from. I was educated in Oxford.
Ryan Stiles: You must come back with me, you have commited many crimes. Apparently I'm from the same neighborhood
Wayne Brady: I've got a fig ol' futt.
Drew Carey: The next game is called African Chant. Wayne will do the chant.
Wayne Brady: Hey, how come I gotta do the African Chant?
Drew Carey: [going into the audience] Because Colin would screw it up.
Wayne Brady: Drew doesn't do a damn thing!
Kathryn Greenwood: There's a bright light coming from within.
Ryan Stiles: It's a cop!
Drew Carey: [scenes from a hat] Bad names for perfume.
Wayne Brady: I call it... "Like Ass!"
Ryan Stiles: You know you're good when you're wearing "Eau Du Pork!"
Colin Mochrie: [referring to an earlier game of Song Titles when he said to Ryan "Nice Pants"] "Nice Pants", the smell of corduroy.
Ryan Stiles: [Weird Newscasters - Ryan must make a virgin sacrifice. Searches through the audience with increasing panic] We're all going to die!
[runs off set]
Brad Sherwood: That's what you get for river dancing in a thong.
Drew Carey: Welcome to 'Whose Line Is It Anyway?', the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right, the points are just like the police department in Colombia.
Colin Mochrie: [the headline in Weird Newscasters] An infinite number of monkeys have just come up with the Fox fall line-up.
Drew Carey: Announcements made over Hell's PA system.
Ryan Stiles: Attention. Will the owner of a Pinto, lisencse plate number...
Wayne Brady: Tickets for Yanni, on sale in the lobby. Tickets for Yanni.
Colin Mochrie: Clean up on aisle five.
Ryan Stiles: [Greatest Hits - Songs of the Chiropractor] Songs of the chiropractor go back many a many years.
Colin Mochrie: Do they?
Ryan Stiles: Yes, they were.
Brad Sherwood: [Scenes from a Hat: Dr. Seuss inspired pick-up lines] Are you my mommy?
Kathryn Greenwood: [Clueless teenage girl on the phone to her friends] So like I got this job doing like the news or something, and like, what is that anyway? Like politics or wars or something? I just wanna chill, and y'know sometimes I just wish I was a goat y'know? How easy would life be then y'know, you wouldn't even have to read things or understand things or... hey, why's everybody staring at me?
Drew Carey: A lot of people forget that on the Drew Carey show, Ryan and I have been totally naked.
Ryan Stiles: Of course, some of us needed a wide angle lens.
Drew Carey: And some of us needed a zoom.
[Party quirks- Colin is trying to identify Robin Williams]
Colin Mochrie: You're a very angry personal fashion advisor.
[Robin starts to congratulate him, but Drew says he's not quite right]
Colin Mochrie: Who needs decaf.
Drew Carey: What do they call them? They give them a special name.
Colin Mochrie: [annoyed] Yeah, they do, don't they?
Ryan Stiles: There's nothing like butt toast and head eggs.
Ryan Stiles: [During "Dating Service Video", with a hat in his lap] It ain't gonna be a rabbit...
Drew Carey: [Scenes from a hat-] What President Bush does in the Oval Office when he's all by himself.
Greg Proops: [pretends to look in mirror] Who beat Al Gore? Who beat Al Gore?
Colin Mochrie: You know what? That was wonderful, that was so good, that's a rap. You see what I did? THAT WAS ACTING! WHAT YOU DID WAS CRAP!
[playing Questions Only]
Ryan Stiles: [singing off key] Do you know-oooh?
Colin Mochrie: Can you play that in key?
Ryan Stiles: What key would you like it in?
Colin Mochrie: G or F?
[buzz]
Colin Mochrie: .
Drew Carey: 2,000 points to Ryan for his imitation of Bill Gates.
Ryan Stiles: I'm micro-soft.
Ryan Stiles: [singing] You... and your constipation.
Drew Carey: "First Drafts of famous movie lines"
Ryan Stiles: Frankly Scarlett, I don't give a lamb...
Wayne Brady: Miss Scarlett, I don't give a burden about no Teletubbies!
Chip Esten: I'll be back in a couple of minutes, I have some things I have to do, I'll be right back...
Colin Mochrie: Fredzilla! Fredzilla!
Chip Esten: Luke, I'm your second uncle twice removed
Drew Carey: Alrighty "World's Worst person to be stuck with at a party"
Colin Mochrie: Fredzilla! Fredzilla!
Chip Esten: [as a '50s teen rebel biker] You looking at my hog? Don't look at my hog... or my motorcycle.
Drew Carey: Now, we need two unlikely roommates.
Person from audience: Bill Cosby and Hitler!
Drew Carey: Bill Cosby and Hitler! Bill Cosby and Hitler certainly unlikely roomates
Censor: Hold Please.
Drew Carey: You've got to be kidding me.
Ryan Stiles: Not that Hitler
Brad Sherwood: We meant RUDOLPH Hitler!
Wayne Brady: [as Bill Cosby] Would you like some Jello... Hitler?
Drew Carey: Somebody over there! Gimme a profession
Person from audience: Insurance Salesman
Drew Carey: Insurance Salesman. Brad and Wayne, you're going to be singing Bill Cosby and the Insurance Salesman. Pretty fucking funny isn't it?
Drew Carey: Welcome to 'Whose Line Is It Anyway?', the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right, the points are just like Blair Witch 2.
Colin Mochrie: [In Film Noir - Barbershop] As he cut my artery I knew something was wrong.
Drew Carey: If you want to play the "Whose Line Is It Anyway?" home game, just send us a million dollars, and we'll send you a desk and four stools.
Colin Mochrie: [Greatest Hits, after a joke about an about Animal Sounds gone wrong] Hey Ryan
Ryan Stiles: Yeah, Colin?
Colin Mochrie: What sound does a Blackbird make?
Ryan Stiles: I have no idea
Colin Mochrie: [In a bird-like tone] O-per-a!
Ryan Stiles: O-Per-a!
Colin Mochrie: O-per-a!
[Wayne comes over and stares at them]
Colin Mochrie: Wait a minute! Opera's a song style!
Drew Carey: What penguins are really thinking?
Wayne Brady: Does this tux make me look fat?
Ryan Stiles: Geez... it's cold!
Colin Mochrie: One day I'll get that Batman!
[Scenes from a Hat game]
Drew Carey: Things in Drew Carey's planner.
Wayne Brady: 7:00: count my money. 8:00: count my money.
Ryan Stiles: 9:00- Blow up
[crosses out]
Ryan Stiles: Pick up date!
Drew Carey: That's right the points are like if N'sync and the Backstreet Boys traded guys. It doesn't matter.
Greg Proops: [wearing a long hair peice and holding a battle ax] GONDOR NEED WOMAN!
Drew Carey: [after a mysterious figure appeared out of nowhere and poured some more drink into his cup] What the fuck was that?
[everyone laughs, Drew holds up the cup]
Drew Carey: MORE ALE WENCH!
Ryan Stiles: [after Wayne performs a clip from a Jerry Lee Lewis parody] Whenever I hear that song, I always think of dating my cousin.
Drew Carey: The points are as useless as the host on "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"
[buzzer]
Drew Carey: Anyone can do this.
[Party Quirks - Chip is the host, Colin is an overly dramatic detective finding ridiculous clues to a murder, and Ryan is a bird trapped in the studio]
Colin Mochrie: [approaching Chip, pantomiming holding an object] A featherduster.
Chip Esten: Yes, I was dusting earlier...
Colin Mochrie: A featherduster made by a Norwegian. It's all starting to make sense.
[they both turn and stare at Ryan, who is using his water glass to mimic a toy drinking bird]
Chip Esten: No, it's not.
Drew Carey: Bad segues following tragic news stories.
Chip Esten: ...and everyone died. Speaking of dying, I've been *dying* to see that new Bruce Willis flick!
Wayne Brady: It was a big, big loss. Speaking of big, right after this, "The Drew Carey Show!"
[everyone scowls]
Drew Carey: You are all gonna pay.
[magician hoedown]
Drew Carey: Hoedowns about magicians are really hard to do/ Hard to think of one verse, let alone even two/ Let me tell you somethin' that'll give you a little laugh/
[to Wayne]
Drew Carey: If you take my rhyme again I'm gonna saw your ass in half!
Drew Carey: Welcome to Whose Line Is It Anyway? where everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right! The points are like the thongs section in the Big & Tall store. They just don't matter.
Drew Carey: Welcome Back to Whose Line is it Anyway, where you can never be too rich, or too gay.
[Wayne, Chip, Colin and Ryan both point to rings-when it is revealed that Drew has none, they all laugh and grin]
Drew Carey: I've never heard of a married gay guy before...
Colin Mochrie: [Face lift infomercial] Hey, do you look like you've been hit by a bus three times?
[Ryan point at Colin, under his breath]
Colin Mochrie: You started it.
Ryan Stiles: Well, if you do, we've got the solution for you.
Colin Mochrie: That's right, are you tired of paying doctors, are you tired of paying doctors to have a face lift that could end up like this?
[points to Ryan]
[Weird Newscasters - Greg is a German insult comic]
Greg Proops: Ve vill dominate you!
Colin Mochrie: You've yet to win a war.
Greg Proops: And yet you drive a BMW.
[laughs evilly]
Greg Proops: Ve von! La-la la-la la-la la!
[Improbable Mission: Colin and Ryan are asked to do the grocery shopping for the Prime Minister of All-you-can-eat]
Colin Mochrie: Wow! The Prime Minister of Eat-all-you-can.
Ryan Stiles: We have a picture of him on our wall.
[He points to Drew]
Ryan Stiles: [Hair removal infomercial] Hi there, we're the Phillips twins. Notice anything different about us?
[Drew Carey laughs hysterically]
Drew Carey: Welcome to 'Whose Line Is It Anyway?', the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right, the points are just like Angelina Jolie's breakfast.
Ryan Stiles: [Meer of Grufunkastan - Impossible Mission] We can't go in the front door, they'll spot us.
Colin Mochrie: Yes, we better climb up through that window up there that seems impossibly high.
Ryan Stiles: I got nothing to get up there with, I didn't bring any rope.
Colin Mochrie: Wait, your hair.
Ryan Stiles: What?
Colin Mochrie: You know it's one long strand!
[Ryan almost breaks character]
Ryan Stiles: You said you'd never mention that again.
[Colin pantomimes using the hair as a lasso]
Colin Mochrie: Now reel us up.
Ryan Stiles: By the way I love you.
Colin Mochrie: Stop it!
Ryan Stiles: Alright we're up. Patio doors locked. There's people inside. We're gonna have to make a diversion so they come out and I can sneak in and get the garment.
Colin Mochrie: FIRE!
Ryan Stiles: That was easy. Now what was it?
Colin Mochrie: Burnoose.
Ryan Stiles: Any idea what it look like?
Ryan Stiles: It looks like... a burnoose. There it is.
Colin Mochrie: Here's one. Ah we've gotta wash it somehow. There's no - can't go downstairs... the bath tub. We'll throw in the bathtub with with some water.
Ryan Stiles: Wait, the faucet's rigged!
Ryan Stiles: What?
Colin Mochrie: The faucet's rigged!
Colin Mochrie: In what way?
Ryan Stiles: With an explosive! How long have you been a spy?
Colin Mochrie: I didn't see that! I guess they really don't want people taking baths in this room.
Colin Mochrie: Why don't we just take the faucet off and flush it?
Ryan Stiles: How's that gonna work? BOOM. Oh, stand back it's filled up the tub!
Kathryn Greenwood: My turn ons are: humanity, integrity, and TV.
Wayne Brady: [Wearing a fireman's helmet] Damn! Baby got backdraft!
Colin Mochrie: And if you order now, you will recieve the CD yesterday by a process we don't quite understand yet. It's very hush hush.
Drew Carey: Wow, would you look at all the viewers we have! Friends must be a rerun!
Robin Williams: [Comes up and scares him under the desk] Hahaha!
Drew Carey: You scared me!
Colin Mochrie: [Song Titles- In a Psychiatrist's office] What's New Pussycat?
Ryan Stiles: I've got a feeling
Colin Mochrie: Feelings?
Ryan Stiles: One.
Colin Mochrie: What's the buzz, tell me what's a happening!
Ryan Stiles: Nowhere, man.
Colin Mochrie: [stumped] Really, that sucks!
[Buzz]
Wayne Brady: [singing] Really that sucks, really that sucks...
Drew Carey: [for Scenes from a Hat] Here we go!
[pause]
Drew Carey: Lines from Drew Carey's diary.
Ryan Stiles: "Dear Diary, Ryan looked at me again today... how I wish that I were sitting on his lap and not behind that desk..."
[buzzer]
Ryan Stiles: "Dear Diary, when will people find out I'm not a man?"
[buzzer]
Drew Carey: "What our audience is thinking".
Ryan Stiles: ...I wonder if that's all true?
[buzzer and laughter]
Drew Carey: [introducing Song Styles, for Wayne] Wayne, you will sing to Miss America in the style of a boy band. It doesn't matter which one, they all sound the same anyway.

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