Weeds Quotes
When a suburban mother turns to dealing marijuana in order to maintain her privileged lifestyle after her husband dies, she finds out just how addicted her entire neighborhood already is.
Andy Botwin: [to Shane about masturbation] Alright, listen closely. I'm not going to beat around the bush. Ha ha ha. Your little body's changing - it's all good, believe me. Problem now is... every time we jerk the gerkin, we get a lot of unwanted sticky white stuff everywhere, right? Right. So... First order of business - no more socks. They're expensive, gumming up the works plumming-wise. Now you might be thinking to yourself, "But, Uncle Andy, what do I do with all that pearl jam if I can't spew it into Mr. Sock?" Glad you asked... You can have a lovely time tugging the tiger in the shower each morning - that eliminates the need for a goo glove. But, the day is long, masturbation's fun, so unless we want to take 4 or 5 showers every day, we're gonna need some other options. So let's start with the basics. Tissues. Perfectly acceptable backstop for all that Creamy Italian. They can be rough and dry on such soft, sensitive skin and it can stick to your dick head like a fuckin' band-aid - ouch. From there we move on to more lubricated flack-catchers - specificially, bananas. Step one: Peel the banana. Step two: Slip the peel over your Randy Johnson and start pitching. Now for extra credit, warm up the peel in the microwave. Not too hot! Serious yowza. Also, olive oil, moisturizer, honey, spit, butter, hair conditioner, and Vaseline can all be used for lube. In my opinion, the best lube... is lube. So save your allowance and invest in some soon. Alright, moving on - when you tug your Thomas on the toilet - ffft - shoot right into the bowl. In bed - soft t-shirt, perhaps a downy hand towel of your very own that you don't mind tossing after tossing. There's no such thing as polishing the raised scepter of love too much. It reduces stress, it enhances immune function. Also, practice makes perfect. So work on your control now, while you're a solo artist - you'll be playing some long, happy duets in the future. Ok - class dismissed.
[Shane gets up to walk away]
Andy Botwin: Hey!
[tosses Shane a banana]
Andy Botwin: . Homework.
[Shane gets up to walk away]
Andy Botwin: Hey!
[tosses Shane a banana]
Andy Botwin: . Homework.
Celia Hodes: [holds up a flyer] Here. I'm posting these in the neighborhood. I tell you, I have a good mind to stay in a hotel until they catch that cougar. Though a part of me is hoping it will maul Dean, and I wouldn't want to miss that.
Nancy Botwin: "What to do if you meet a mountain lion. Give the mountain lion some room. Don't make eye contact. Talk to the lion softly." Are you sure this isn't what to do if you *date* a mountain lion?
Nancy Botwin: "What to do if you meet a mountain lion. Give the mountain lion some room. Don't make eye contact. Talk to the lion softly." Are you sure this isn't what to do if you *date* a mountain lion?
Nancy Botwin: Andy, today it was brought to my attention that the downside to this business is death, so right now I'm not thinking about "the bakery" I'm thinking about enrolling in dental hygiene school so my children aren't orphans.
Andy Botwin: If anything happens to you, I will raise Silas and Shane as my own.
Nancy Botwin: Ok, now I pledge never to die.
Andy Botwin: If anything happens to you, I will raise Silas and Shane as my own.
Nancy Botwin: Ok, now I pledge never to die.
Andy Botwin: I paid for a full ounce, they fucking cheated me!
Nancy Botwin: They fucking saved your ass from going to jail!
Ms. Greenstein - Attorney: Still that's very uncool. There used to be an unbroken spiritual bond between dealer and buyer. I feel your pain Andrew, and I return it with a renewed sense of outrage.
Nancy Botwin: They fucking saved your ass from going to jail!
Ms. Greenstein - Attorney: Still that's very uncool. There used to be an unbroken spiritual bond between dealer and buyer. I feel your pain Andrew, and I return it with a renewed sense of outrage.
