Vacation Quotes
Rusty Griswold takes his own family on a road trip to "Walley World" in order to spice things up with his wife and reconnect with his sons.
Clark: I think you're all fucked in the head. We're ten hours from the fucking fun park and you want to bail out. Well I'll tell you something. This is no longer a vacation. It's a quest. It's a quest for fun. You're gonna have fun, and I'm gonna have fun... We're all gonna have so much fucking fun we're gonna need plastic surgery to remove our goddamn smiles! You'll be whistling 'Zip-A-Dee Doo-Dah' out of your assholes! I must be crazy! I'm on a pilgrimage to see a moose. Praise Marty Moose! Holy Shit!
Rusty Griswold: [Grabs Clark's shoulder] Dad, you want an aspirin?
Clark: Don't touch!
Rusty Griswold: [Grabs Clark's shoulder] Dad, you want an aspirin?
Clark: Don't touch!
[Delivering the eulogy for Aunt Edna, flatly]
Clark: O God, ease our suffering in this, our moment of great dispair. Yea, admit this good and decent woman into thine arms in the flock in thine heavenly area, up there. And Moab, he laid its down by the band of the Canaanites, and yea, though the Hindus speak of karma, I implore you: give her... give her a break.
Ellen Griswold: Clark... Clark... This is a serious matter. I'll do it myself.
Clark: Honey, I'm not an ordained minister; I'm doing my best, OK?
Clark: O God, ease our suffering in this, our moment of great dispair. Yea, admit this good and decent woman into thine arms in the flock in thine heavenly area, up there. And Moab, he laid its down by the band of the Canaanites, and yea, though the Hindus speak of karma, I implore you: give her... give her a break.
Ellen Griswold: Clark... Clark... This is a serious matter. I'll do it myself.
Clark: Honey, I'm not an ordained minister; I'm doing my best, OK?
Aunt Edna: I was afraid you'd get pulled over, Clark. You've been exeeding the speed limit for thousands of miles!
Rusty Griswold: Dad wasn't speeding. The cop stopped us because Dad forgot to...
Ellen Griswold: He was speeding, Rusty!
Rusty Griswold: No he wasn't, Mom. He...
Clark: Rusty! Listen to your mother. I was speeding. I was driving like a maniac. We can all be grateful for this man for stopping us. You see kids...
[the motorcycle cop appears at the car window with the dog leash]
Motorcycle Cop: Here's the leash, sir. I'm going back to get the rest of the carcass off the road.
Rusty Griswold: Dad wasn't speeding. The cop stopped us because Dad forgot to...
Ellen Griswold: He was speeding, Rusty!
Rusty Griswold: No he wasn't, Mom. He...
Clark: Rusty! Listen to your mother. I was speeding. I was driving like a maniac. We can all be grateful for this man for stopping us. You see kids...
[the motorcycle cop appears at the car window with the dog leash]
Motorcycle Cop: Here's the leash, sir. I'm going back to get the rest of the carcass off the road.
Ellen Griswold: The next time you have one of your outbursts, I'd really appreciate it if you think about the consideration of our kids.
Clark: What are you talking about?
Ellen Griswold: You don't know? After everything that happened, you still don't get it?
Clark: I'm just trying to treat my family to a little fun.
Ellen Griswold: Oh spare me, Clark! I know your brand of family fun. Tomorrow you'll probably kill the desk clerk, hold up a McDonalds, and drive us 1,000 miles out of the way to see the world's largest pile of mud!
Clark: What are you talking about?
Ellen Griswold: You don't know? After everything that happened, you still don't get it?
Clark: I'm just trying to treat my family to a little fun.
Ellen Griswold: Oh spare me, Clark! I know your brand of family fun. Tomorrow you'll probably kill the desk clerk, hold up a McDonalds, and drive us 1,000 miles out of the way to see the world's largest pile of mud!
[Clark has just been pulled over by a Colorado motorcycle cop]
Clark: Hi officer, what's the problem?
Motorcycle Cop: Get out of the car!
[Clark exits from the car]
Clark: I don't think I was speeding. Was I weaving or something?
Motorcycle Cop: Shut your mouth, sir! You know, if I weren't in uniform, I'd split your skull with the butt of this revolver faster than you can say, "police brutality!"
Clark: Well whatever I did, I'm sure I can explain...
[the motorcycle cop forcibily takes Clark by the arm and leads him to the rear of the car, which has a dog leash still tied to it]
Motorcycle Cop: Explain this, you son-of-a-bitch!
Clark: Oh my God...
Clark: Hi officer, what's the problem?
Motorcycle Cop: Get out of the car!
[Clark exits from the car]
Clark: I don't think I was speeding. Was I weaving or something?
Motorcycle Cop: Shut your mouth, sir! You know, if I weren't in uniform, I'd split your skull with the butt of this revolver faster than you can say, "police brutality!"
Clark: Well whatever I did, I'm sure I can explain...
[the motorcycle cop forcibily takes Clark by the arm and leads him to the rear of the car, which has a dog leash still tied to it]
Motorcycle Cop: Explain this, you son-of-a-bitch!
Clark: Oh my God...
Ellen Griswold: [after the bartender shoots at Clark] Clark, I don't think that was funny. A loud noise like that could damage the kids' hearing.
Clark Griswald: C'mon, Ellen. It looked real. Hell - I thought it was a real gun. Didn't you think it was real, honey?
Audrey Griswold: What?
Clark Griswald: I said didn't you think it was real?
Audrey Griswold: What?
Ellen Griswold: Oh are you happy now Clark? She's deaf.
Clark Griswald: Oh what the hell - it was fun anyway.
Clark Griswald: C'mon, Ellen. It looked real. Hell - I thought it was a real gun. Didn't you think it was real, honey?
Audrey Griswold: What?
Clark Griswald: I said didn't you think it was real?
Audrey Griswold: What?
Ellen Griswold: Oh are you happy now Clark? She's deaf.
Clark Griswald: Oh what the hell - it was fun anyway.
Ellen Griswold: Stay in the car! It's hot and dangerous out here.
Aunt Edna: Don't you tell me what to do, I'll do what I want! I should never have come on this trip with you, I should have taken an airplane... and he...
[pointing to Clark]
Aunt Edna: He shouldn't even have a license to drive an automobile! He should be BEHIND BARS!
Ellen Griswold: SIT down and SHUT UP! Move outta that seat and I'll split your lip!
Aunt Edna: Don't you tell me what to do, I'll do what I want! I should never have come on this trip with you, I should have taken an airplane... and he...
[pointing to Clark]
Aunt Edna: He shouldn't even have a license to drive an automobile! He should be BEHIND BARS!
Ellen Griswold: SIT down and SHUT UP! Move outta that seat and I'll split your lip!
Clark: Oh, you can't think I'd do this on purpose? Look... I tied him to the rear bumper while I was packing the car. It was very confusing. I must have forgot. I'm very sorry, I feel terrible.
Motorcycle Cop: How do you think that little dog feels?
Clark: Look, I told you I was sorry. It really was an accident.
Motorcycle Cop: Well, I guess I can buy that, sir. But it is a shame. I had a pooch like this when I was a kid.
[both Clark and the motorcycle cop sorrowfully look at the empty road behind them]
Motorcycle Cop: Poor little guy. Probably kept up with you for a mile or so.
[tearing up]
Motorcycle Cop: Tough little mutt...
Motorcycle Cop: How do you think that little dog feels?
Clark: Look, I told you I was sorry. It really was an accident.
Motorcycle Cop: Well, I guess I can buy that, sir. But it is a shame. I had a pooch like this when I was a kid.
[both Clark and the motorcycle cop sorrowfully look at the empty road behind them]
Motorcycle Cop: Poor little guy. Probably kept up with you for a mile or so.
[tearing up]
Motorcycle Cop: Tough little mutt...
[In the middle of a desert. Clark is going crazy as he trots through the hills. Two native Americans on horses watch him]
Clark: We pass a damn gas station every hundred yards for a thousand miles, but when you really need one, you end up walking your ass off. This is no way to run a desert!
[Coughs and continues to rant]
Cowboy: What an asshole.
Clark: We pass a damn gas station every hundred yards for a thousand miles, but when you really need one, you end up walking your ass off. This is no way to run a desert!
[Coughs and continues to rant]
Cowboy: What an asshole.
Clark Griswald: [to the Dodge City bartender] Hey Knucklehead, set us up with four Red eye's will ya?
[the bartender ignors him]
Clark Griswald: Hey Yellabelly, I'm talking to you!
[the bartender glares at Clark]
Clark Griswald: Hey Tender foot, move your chicken wings turkey!
[the bartender angrily glares at Clark]
Ellen Griswold: Clark, that's not nice.
Clark Griswald: Relax, it's all part of the act.
[to the bartender]
Clark Griswald: Hey Underpants...
[the bartender pulls out a double-barrled shotgun and shoots Clark!]
[the bartender ignors him]
Clark Griswald: Hey Yellabelly, I'm talking to you!
[the bartender glares at Clark]
Clark Griswald: Hey Tender foot, move your chicken wings turkey!
[the bartender angrily glares at Clark]
Ellen Griswold: Clark, that's not nice.
Clark Griswald: Relax, it's all part of the act.
[to the bartender]
Clark Griswald: Hey Underpants...
[the bartender pulls out a double-barrled shotgun and shoots Clark!]
Aunt Edna: You're the ones who sent me the fruitcake for Christmas. It made me so sick!
Ellen Griswold: Oh - we're sorry. We thought you enjoyed fruitcake.
Aunt Edna: Do you enjoy throwing up every five minutes Claude?
Clark: Clark.
Aunt Edna: I thought so. Whew! Well am I gonna eat, or am I gonna starve to death?
Ellen Griswold: Oh - we're sorry. We thought you enjoyed fruitcake.
Aunt Edna: Do you enjoy throwing up every five minutes Claude?
Clark: Clark.
Aunt Edna: I thought so. Whew! Well am I gonna eat, or am I gonna starve to death?
[looking at the dead Aunt Edna in the back seat]
Ellen Griswold: She must have passed away somewhere near Flagstaff. What are we going to do, Clark?
Clark Griswald: Well, we could leave her here and the first phone we pass, we could call your Cousin Normie and he could come and get her, I guess.
Ellen Griswold: That is the meanest, coldest...
Clark Griswald: Well what do you want me to do? Call Federal Express?
Audrey Griswold: Mom, we don't have to ride with a dead person, do we? Please say we don't!
Rusty Griswold: Yeah, come on, Mom. It'll be real easy for Cousin Normie to find her. All they have to do is look for the buzzards.
Ellen Griswold: She must have passed away somewhere near Flagstaff. What are we going to do, Clark?
Clark Griswald: Well, we could leave her here and the first phone we pass, we could call your Cousin Normie and he could come and get her, I guess.
Ellen Griswold: That is the meanest, coldest...
Clark Griswald: Well what do you want me to do? Call Federal Express?
Audrey Griswold: Mom, we don't have to ride with a dead person, do we? Please say we don't!
Rusty Griswold: Yeah, come on, Mom. It'll be real easy for Cousin Normie to find her. All they have to do is look for the buzzards.
Ellen Griswold: Don't just blurt it out about Edna dying.
Clark Griswald: How about if I ask him to play 20 Questions?
[Clark knocks on the front door of Normie's house and rings the doorbell, but no anwser]
Clark Griswald: Oh, for chrissake, he isn't even home!
Ellen Griswold: Maybe the neighbors know where he is.
Clark Griswald: The moron knows we're coming and he isn't home.
Ellen Griswold: Normie's always been flighty.
Clark Griswald: He's always been a jackoff...
Ellen Griswold: Would you watch your mouth!
Clark Griswald: How about if I ask him to play 20 Questions?
[Clark knocks on the front door of Normie's house and rings the doorbell, but no anwser]
Clark Griswald: Oh, for chrissake, he isn't even home!
Ellen Griswold: Maybe the neighbors know where he is.
Clark Griswald: The moron knows we're coming and he isn't home.
Ellen Griswold: Normie's always been flighty.
Clark Griswald: He's always been a jackoff...
Ellen Griswold: Would you watch your mouth!
Ed, the car salesman: I'll get to the bottom of this. Davenport!
Davenport: Yes, Mr. Ed?
Ed, the car salesman: Mr. Griswold ordered a blue sports wagon, where is it?
Davenport: I don't know sir.
Ed, the car salesman: [to Clark] I know what must have happened. It didn't come in.
Clark Griswald: Ed, I'm not your average everyday fool. Now I want my blue sports wagon and if you can't get it I'm gonna take my business elsewhere! Where's my old car?
Ed, the car salesman: I'm just as upset as you are, believe me. Davenport! Get Mr. Griswald's car back and bring it back here! Now I can get you the wagon, there's not problem there. The problem is that it might take six weeks. Now, I owe it to myself to tell you that if you're taking the whole tribe cross-country, the Wagon Queen Family Truckster... You think you hate it now, wait 'til you drive it.
Clark Griswald: I don't want to drive it. I just want my old car back. I'm not falling for this. Let's go, Russ
Davenport: Yes, Mr. Ed?
Ed, the car salesman: Mr. Griswold ordered a blue sports wagon, where is it?
Davenport: I don't know sir.
Ed, the car salesman: [to Clark] I know what must have happened. It didn't come in.
Clark Griswald: Ed, I'm not your average everyday fool. Now I want my blue sports wagon and if you can't get it I'm gonna take my business elsewhere! Where's my old car?
Ed, the car salesman: I'm just as upset as you are, believe me. Davenport! Get Mr. Griswald's car back and bring it back here! Now I can get you the wagon, there's not problem there. The problem is that it might take six weeks. Now, I owe it to myself to tell you that if you're taking the whole tribe cross-country, the Wagon Queen Family Truckster... You think you hate it now, wait 'til you drive it.
Clark Griswald: I don't want to drive it. I just want my old car back. I'm not falling for this. Let's go, Russ
Ellen Griswold: Clark, I need my vanity case. We've got to go back and look for it. All my credit cards are in it.
Clark: Honey, Number 1: I've already called the bank and told them you lost them. B: there's no way we're going to find it when we don't even know where it fell off. And 3: I've got my credit cards and we've still got plenty of cash. OK?
Clark: Honey, Number 1: I've already called the bank and told them you lost them. B: there's no way we're going to find it when we don't even know where it fell off. And 3: I've got my credit cards and we've still got plenty of cash. OK?
Clark Griswald: Roy... can I call you Roy? Have you even driven cross-country?
Roy Walley: Oh, hell yes. Drove the whole family to Florida. Worst two weeks I ever spent in my life. The smell from the back seat was terrible.
Clark Griswald: Ooooh. Ooooh, I know that smell. Roy, could you imagine if you had driven all the way to Florida and it was closed?
Roy Walley: Closed? Uh, they don't close Florida.
Roy Walley: Oh, hell yes. Drove the whole family to Florida. Worst two weeks I ever spent in my life. The smell from the back seat was terrible.
Clark Griswald: Ooooh. Ooooh, I know that smell. Roy, could you imagine if you had driven all the way to Florida and it was closed?
Roy Walley: Closed? Uh, they don't close Florida.
Ellen Griswold: No, we don't. You gave $500 to Eddie, and everything on this safari has cost twice as much as you figured out.
Clark: Honey, there's nothing in that luggage that can't be replaced. Except for your... diaphragm. We can always cash a check down the road. Don't you trust me?
Ellen Griswold: As long as you don't tie me to the rear bumper.
Clark: That hurt, Ellen.
Clark: Honey, there's nothing in that luggage that can't be replaced. Except for your... diaphragm. We can always cash a check down the road. Don't you trust me?
Ellen Griswold: As long as you don't tie me to the rear bumper.
Clark: That hurt, Ellen.
Mechanic 2: Ain't never seen anyone so shit-all stupid as you driving off that road. You musta got manure for your brains.
Clark: Yeah, well, I'm from out of town. So, what's the bill? Come on, come on, how much?
Mechanic 1: How much you got?
Clark: No, I'm asking how much the repairs are.
Mechanic 1: And I'm asking how much you got!
Clark: You're out of your mind. Look, I don't have time to play around, OK? So how much is it?
Mechanic 1: [waving a wrench] All of it, boy!
Clark: What does your sheriff think of your business practices?
[Mechanic 1 laughs and shows Clark his sheriff's badge]
Clark: Yeah, well, I'm from out of town. So, what's the bill? Come on, come on, how much?
Mechanic 1: How much you got?
Clark: No, I'm asking how much the repairs are.
Mechanic 1: And I'm asking how much you got!
Clark: You're out of your mind. Look, I don't have time to play around, OK? So how much is it?
Mechanic 1: [waving a wrench] All of it, boy!
Clark: What does your sheriff think of your business practices?
[Mechanic 1 laughs and shows Clark his sheriff's badge]
Rusty Griswold: Dad, this is not the car you ordered!
Clark: Settle down Russ. Let me handle this. Ed, uh... this is not the car I ordered. I distinctly ordered the Antartic Blue Super Sports Wagon with the C.B. and optional rally fun pack.
Ed, the car salesman: You didn't order the Metallic Pea?
Clark: Metallic Pea?
Clark: Settle down Russ. Let me handle this. Ed, uh... this is not the car I ordered. I distinctly ordered the Antartic Blue Super Sports Wagon with the C.B. and optional rally fun pack.
Ed, the car salesman: You didn't order the Metallic Pea?
Clark: Metallic Pea?
Clark: I've spent the last 15 years of my life developing newer and better food additives. I guess I've missed an awful lot. At first, I didn't want to take this vacation. But, now I'm glad I did. It's given me a chance to spend a lot more time with you and... uh...
Rusty: Audrey.
Clark: Audrey, yeah.
Rusty: Audrey.
Clark: Audrey, yeah.
Ellen Griswold: This is so dangerous, Clark. We have no business being in this neighborhood.
Clark: Oh I don't know, hun. It gives us a chance to see a part of America we don't get to see.
Ellen Griswold: That's a GOOD thing!
Clark: Not it's not. We can't just ignore the plight of the inner cities. See the plight kids?
[gun shots and a scream are heard]
Clark: Roll em' up!
Clark: Oh I don't know, hun. It gives us a chance to see a part of America we don't get to see.
Ellen Griswold: That's a GOOD thing!
Clark: Not it's not. We can't just ignore the plight of the inner cities. See the plight kids?
[gun shots and a scream are heard]
Clark: Roll em' up!
