UHF Quotes
A local public station gets a new owner. The station becomes a hit, with all sorts of hilarious sight gags and wacky humor.
Stanley Spadowski: This is my new mop. George, my friend, he gave me this mop. This is a pretty good mop. It's not as good as my first mop. I miss my first mop, but this is still a good mop. Sometimes you just hafta take what life gives ya, 'cause life is like a mop and sometimes life gets full of dirt and crud and bugs and hairballs and stuff... you, you, you gotta clean it out. You, you, you gotta put it in here and rinse it off and start all over again and, and sometimes, sometimes life sticks to the floor so bad you know a mop, a mop, it's not good enough, it's not good enough. You, you gotta get down there, like, with a toothbrush, you know, and you gotta, you gotta really scrub 'cause you gotta get it off. You gotta really try to get it off. But if that doesn't work, that doesn't work, you can't give up. You gotta, you gotta stand right up. You, you gotta run to a window and say, "Hey! These floors are dirty as hell, and I'm not gonna take it any more!"
[George and Bob just got fired again]
Bob: How could you do this to me? I knew this was gonna happen.
George Newman: You're right, Bob. I'm sorry. What can I say? I-I'm a miserable worthless hunk of slime. Here, I want you to take this crowbar and... just bash my head right in! Go ahead. Really. Please! Just BASH it right in!
Bob: George, you know I can't do that. You still owe me five bucks.
Bob: How could you do this to me? I knew this was gonna happen.
George Newman: You're right, Bob. I'm sorry. What can I say? I-I'm a miserable worthless hunk of slime. Here, I want you to take this crowbar and... just bash my head right in! Go ahead. Really. Please! Just BASH it right in!
Bob: George, you know I can't do that. You still owe me five bucks.
Movie Announcer: Next week on U62, He's back, And this time, He's mad, Ghandi II. No more mister passive resistance, He's out to kick some butt. This is one bad mother you don't wanna mess with.
Ghandi: Don't move, slimeball.
Movie Announcer: He's a one man wrecking crew. But he also knows how to party.
Ghandi: Give me a steak, medium rare
Gangster: Hey, baldy!
Movie Announcer: There is only one law, his law. Ghandi II.
Ghandi: Don't move, slimeball.
Movie Announcer: He's a one man wrecking crew. But he also knows how to party.
Ghandi: Give me a steak, medium rare
Gangster: Hey, baldy!
Movie Announcer: There is only one law, his law. Ghandi II.
[On the game show, "Wheel of Fish", Phyllis Weaver has just spun the wheel and landed on a red snapper]
Kuni: Ahhh, a red snapper. Mmmmm, very tasty. Okay, Weaver, listen carefully. You can hold on to your red snapper...
[Hiro-San emerges, carrying a table with a box]
Kuni: ...or you can go for what's in the box that Hiro-San is bringing down the aisle right now! What's it gonna be?
[Phyllis Weaver has difficulty in choosing as the audience point to the box]
Phyllis Weaver: I'll take the box. The box!
[applause]
Kuni: You took the box? Let's see what's in the box!
[Hiro-san opens the box; the audience gasps. There is a silence]
Kuni: Nothing! Absolutely nothing! STUPID! You're so STU-PIIIIIIIIIIID!
Kuni: Ahhh, a red snapper. Mmmmm, very tasty. Okay, Weaver, listen carefully. You can hold on to your red snapper...
[Hiro-San emerges, carrying a table with a box]
Kuni: ...or you can go for what's in the box that Hiro-San is bringing down the aisle right now! What's it gonna be?
[Phyllis Weaver has difficulty in choosing as the audience point to the box]
Phyllis Weaver: I'll take the box. The box!
[applause]
Kuni: You took the box? Let's see what's in the box!
[Hiro-san opens the box; the audience gasps. There is a silence]
Kuni: Nothing! Absolutely nothing! STUPID! You're so STU-PIIIIIIIIIIID!
Stanley Spadowski: George, you know I was wondering, like if you were traveling through outer space, I mean like you're going real fast, like the speed of light, you know... hoooohhhhh... and all of a sudden you started screaming... aaaahhhhh aaaaahhhhh... Do you think your brain would blow up?
Bob: Guys, I'm trying to work... Do you mind?
Stanley Spadowski: I don't mind. Go right ahead... Do you mind, George?
Bob: Guys, I'm trying to work... Do you mind?
Stanley Spadowski: I don't mind. Go right ahead... Do you mind, George?
George Newman: Hey, kids. Where y'wanna go?
[dead silence]
George Newman: That's right. To Uncle Nutzy's Clubhouse. And boy-oh-boy, are we gonna have big fun today. We're gonna have so much fun, we'll forget about how miserable we are, and how much life sucks, and how we're all gonna grow old and die someday.
Little Weasle: I wanna go home.
George Newman: Shut up, you little weasel!
[beat]
George Newman: Okay. Right now I'd like to show you one of my favorite cartoons. It's a sad, depressing story about a pathetic coyote who spends every waking moment of his life in the futile pursuit of a sadistic roadrunner who *mocks* him and *laughs* at him as he's repeatedly *crushed* and *maimed*! Hope you'll *enjoy* it!
[dead silence]
George Newman: That's right. To Uncle Nutzy's Clubhouse. And boy-oh-boy, are we gonna have big fun today. We're gonna have so much fun, we'll forget about how miserable we are, and how much life sucks, and how we're all gonna grow old and die someday.
Little Weasle: I wanna go home.
George Newman: Shut up, you little weasel!
[beat]
George Newman: Okay. Right now I'd like to show you one of my favorite cartoons. It's a sad, depressing story about a pathetic coyote who spends every waking moment of his life in the futile pursuit of a sadistic roadrunner who *mocks* him and *laughs* at him as he's repeatedly *crushed* and *maimed*! Hope you'll *enjoy* it!
[last lines]
Teri: Hey, George, you know those crazy dreams you're always having? You think maybe I could be in some of them from now on?
George Newman: [cut to "Gone With the Wind" set, where George and Teri are dressed like Rhett Butler and Scarlett O'Hara, complete with fake Southern accents] Honey, from now on you're gonna be in all of 'em!
Teri: [longingly] Oh, George...
George Newman: Honey, let's leave this place right now! Let's go this very minute!
Teri: No, George! Let's wait until tomorrow!
George Newman: But... why? WHY?
Teri: Because tomorrow... is another day.
George Newman: [looks at camera] I knew she was gonna say that!
[George kisses Teri, credits roll]
Teri: Hey, George, you know those crazy dreams you're always having? You think maybe I could be in some of them from now on?
George Newman: [cut to "Gone With the Wind" set, where George and Teri are dressed like Rhett Butler and Scarlett O'Hara, complete with fake Southern accents] Honey, from now on you're gonna be in all of 'em!
Teri: [longingly] Oh, George...
George Newman: Honey, let's leave this place right now! Let's go this very minute!
Teri: No, George! Let's wait until tomorrow!
George Newman: But... why? WHY?
Teri: Because tomorrow... is another day.
George Newman: [looks at camera] I knew she was gonna say that!
[George kisses Teri, credits roll]
Bum: [Recognizing R.J. Fletcher] Hey, I know you! You're the guy that gave me that double-die Denver mint penny! Oh, thanks a lot, Mister! That thing was worth a fortune! When I cashed it in, I had enough money to buy a whole bunch of shares, and, I got me a real NEAT watch! It's a Rolex! See?
[shows it to Fletcher, who breaks down crying on the bum's shoulder]
[shows it to Fletcher, who breaks down crying on the bum's shoulder]
Raul Hernandez: Hey, man! This is Raul Hernandez and welcome to "Raul's Wild Kingdom" coming to you live from My Apartment! How 'bout that, huh? Okay. The first thing we're gonna do today is check out the wonderful world of turtles. This is my friend, Tommy. Tommy, say hello to the nice people. 'Hello!' Ha! Isn't he great? Okay, so... the turtle is a member of the Reptile family and he's got this hard, protective shell, which keeps predators away... also provides him with his own home when he sleeps. Oh, and he's got these tiny, teeny little legs which makes him move real slow. Not too many people know this, but the turtle is also Nature's suction cup. Watch this.
[licks underside of turtle and tosses it up towards the ceiling. Off camera it makes a loud plop sound]
Raul Hernandez: Did you see that? It sticks! Ha! Okay, yeah... what else I got for you? Yeah, check this out! This is my ant farm. Now ants are amazing. They can carry 50 times their own weight and they work for weeks and weeks building these intricate little tunnels. And oh yeah... they hate it when you do this...
[picks up ant farm and shakes it vigorously up and down]
Raul Hernandez: Oh look! They're really mad, now.
George Newman: [watching Raul on TV with Bob] Where did you find this guy?
Bob: Me? I thought you hired him.
Raul Hernandez: For those of you just joining us, today we're teaching poodles how to fly.
[claps his hands]
Raul Hernandez: Come here... come here, Foofy. Ah, Foofy. Are you psyched? Are you ready? Okay... Here we go. Get ready. And... FLY!
[tosses poodle out of the apartment window. Poodle barks all the way down and hits with a loud thump]
Raul Hernandez: Oh, man... You know, sometimes it takes them a little longer to learn how to do it right. Okay, come on. Come on. Cheer up. Cheer up. Eh, eh, eh. Who's next? Ah, Gigi!
[tosses black poodle out of the window which barks all the way down and hits with another loud thud]
Raul Hernandez: Ah, man!
[licks underside of turtle and tosses it up towards the ceiling. Off camera it makes a loud plop sound]
Raul Hernandez: Did you see that? It sticks! Ha! Okay, yeah... what else I got for you? Yeah, check this out! This is my ant farm. Now ants are amazing. They can carry 50 times their own weight and they work for weeks and weeks building these intricate little tunnels. And oh yeah... they hate it when you do this...
[picks up ant farm and shakes it vigorously up and down]
Raul Hernandez: Oh look! They're really mad, now.
George Newman: [watching Raul on TV with Bob] Where did you find this guy?
Bob: Me? I thought you hired him.
Raul Hernandez: For those of you just joining us, today we're teaching poodles how to fly.
[claps his hands]
Raul Hernandez: Come here... come here, Foofy. Ah, Foofy. Are you psyched? Are you ready? Okay... Here we go. Get ready. And... FLY!
[tosses poodle out of the apartment window. Poodle barks all the way down and hits with a loud thump]
Raul Hernandez: Oh, man... You know, sometimes it takes them a little longer to learn how to do it right. Okay, come on. Come on. Cheer up. Cheer up. Eh, eh, eh. Who's next? Ah, Gigi!
[tosses black poodle out of the window which barks all the way down and hits with another loud thud]
Raul Hernandez: Ah, man!
Stanley Spadowski: Hi, George. Well, uh, I'm finished with the T.V. show. Uh, what do you want me to do now?
George Newman: Did you have a good time in there, Stanley?
Stanley Spadowski: Yeah! Oh, boy, it was fun!
George Newman: Great! How would you like to do it every day?
Stanley Spadowski: Yeah! That would be neat... Oh, wait a minute - do I still get to be the janitor?
George Newman: Did you have a good time in there, Stanley?
Stanley Spadowski: Yeah! Oh, boy, it was fun!
George Newman: Great! How would you like to do it every day?
Stanley Spadowski: Yeah! That would be neat... Oh, wait a minute - do I still get to be the janitor?
R.J. Fletcher: This community means about as much to me as a festering ball of dog snot! You think I care about the pea-brained yokels of this town? If you took their combined I.Q., and multiplied it by a hundred, you might have enough intelligence to tie your shoe, if you didn't drool all over yourself first. I can't stand those sniveling maggots! They make me want to puke! But, there is one good thing about broadcasting to a town full of mindless sheep. I always know I have them exactly where I want them. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
George Newman: Hey, Philo, great job, you really came through for us in the end!
Philo: You're welcome. Well, it appears that my work on this planet is finished, so I must now return to my home planet of Zarquon.
George Newman: [dubious] Oh... okay. Have fun!
[Philo leaves]
George Newman: [sees his uncle] Hey, uncle Harvey!
Uncle Harvey: Hey, kid, way to go! I always knew you had it in you!
[Behind them, unnoticed, Philo morphs into a weird alien and flashes away]
Philo: You're welcome. Well, it appears that my work on this planet is finished, so I must now return to my home planet of Zarquon.
George Newman: [dubious] Oh... okay. Have fun!
[Philo leaves]
George Newman: [sees his uncle] Hey, uncle Harvey!
Uncle Harvey: Hey, kid, way to go! I always knew you had it in you!
[Behind them, unnoticed, Philo morphs into a weird alien and flashes away]
Animal Deliveryman: Raul Hernandez?
Raul: Yeah.
Animal Deliveryman: Got the delivery here for your next show.
Raul: Oh great. What you got?
Animal Deliveryman: Let's see, I got one aardvark, one flamingo, four porcupines, two armadillos, three badgers...
Raul: Badgers?... Badgers?... We don't NEED no stinking Badgers!
Raul: Yeah.
Animal Deliveryman: Got the delivery here for your next show.
Raul: Oh great. What you got?
Animal Deliveryman: Let's see, I got one aardvark, one flamingo, four porcupines, two armadillos, three badgers...
Raul: Badgers?... Badgers?... We don't NEED no stinking Badgers!
Bob: Well... I've got good news and bad news.
George Newman: Okay, give me the bad news first.
Bob: Well... given our current financial status, compounded with fixed income and outstanding invoices... I figure this station will be flat broke by the end of the week.
George Newman: [in shock] Well, what's the good news?
Bob: I lied. There is no good news.
George Newman: Okay, give me the bad news first.
Bob: Well... given our current financial status, compounded with fixed income and outstanding invoices... I figure this station will be flat broke by the end of the week.
George Newman: [in shock] Well, what's the good news?
Bob: I lied. There is no good news.
Pamela Finklestein: Yeah, so, can I help you?
George Newman: Hi, I'm George Newman. I'm the new station manager.
Pamela Finklestein: [enraged tone] Ugh! You know, when I first took this job, they told me that this position would only be temporary, and that eventually, when the time was right, I would be moved up to news which is really my forte. You know how long I've been working here? Two years! It's kind of hard to get promoted when every other week you have a new boss! This job really sucks!
George Newman: [keeping his cool] Well... this is my friend Bob.
George Newman: Hi, I'm George Newman. I'm the new station manager.
Pamela Finklestein: [enraged tone] Ugh! You know, when I first took this job, they told me that this position would only be temporary, and that eventually, when the time was right, I would be moved up to news which is really my forte. You know how long I've been working here? Two years! It's kind of hard to get promoted when every other week you have a new boss! This job really sucks!
George Newman: [keeping his cool] Well... this is my friend Bob.
George Newman: [as "Uncle Nutsy," to Bob as "Bobbo the Clown"] ... Hey, Bobbo! Wanna play a game? Look up... Look down... Now look at Mr. Frying Pan!
[Hits him in the face]
George Newman: Uh-oh. Bobbo fall down go boom. Aw, what's the matter, Bobbo? I know! You're hungry! Have I got just the thing for you! Yes sir, clowns AND kids just can't resist the mouth-watering, lip-smacking taste of Mrs. Hackenberger's Butter Cookies!
[He proceeds to stuff Bobbo's face with "cookies," which are actually dog biscuits; George has picked up the wrong box!]
George Newman: Right, Bobbo? That's right! And guess what, Mom? THEY'RE NUTRITIOUS, TOO! Just look at how much Bobbo here likes 'em! Mmmm, THAT'S GOOD! And don't forget, there's a nifty surprise inside every box of Mrs. Hackenberger's...
[notices his mistake for the first time]
George Newman: ... Oooops! Heh Heh, it looks like Bobbo's been eating YAPPY'S DOG TREATS!
[a look of horror crosses Bobbo's face, and he runs off to the "little clowns' room."]
George Newman: That's right, Yappy's Dog Treats! Your dog will love that real liver-and-tuna taste...
[We hear Bobbo vomiting]
George Newman: ... With just a hint of cheese!
[Hits him in the face]
George Newman: Uh-oh. Bobbo fall down go boom. Aw, what's the matter, Bobbo? I know! You're hungry! Have I got just the thing for you! Yes sir, clowns AND kids just can't resist the mouth-watering, lip-smacking taste of Mrs. Hackenberger's Butter Cookies!
[He proceeds to stuff Bobbo's face with "cookies," which are actually dog biscuits; George has picked up the wrong box!]
George Newman: Right, Bobbo? That's right! And guess what, Mom? THEY'RE NUTRITIOUS, TOO! Just look at how much Bobbo here likes 'em! Mmmm, THAT'S GOOD! And don't forget, there's a nifty surprise inside every box of Mrs. Hackenberger's...
[notices his mistake for the first time]
George Newman: ... Oooops! Heh Heh, it looks like Bobbo's been eating YAPPY'S DOG TREATS!
[a look of horror crosses Bobbo's face, and he runs off to the "little clowns' room."]
George Newman: That's right, Yappy's Dog Treats! Your dog will love that real liver-and-tuna taste...
[We hear Bobbo vomiting]
George Newman: ... With just a hint of cheese!
George Newman: [picks up a frying basket from a pot of boiling cooking oil, the blackened remains of something are seen] Well, I think the fries are just about done.
[puts basket back in the oil]
Bob: Aw geez, George. You'd better not let Big Edna see that or she'll have a fit.
George Newman: [as Big Edna walks up behind him] Big Edna. Big Edna. You sound like a broken record. Big Edna this, Big Edna that. Why are you so afraid of that big, pathetic tub of lard?
[Bob grimaces and turns away with embarassment as George quickly turns around and sees Big Edna now standing right behind him. George weakly smiles, as Big Edna smiles back, looking very menacing]
[puts basket back in the oil]
Bob: Aw geez, George. You'd better not let Big Edna see that or she'll have a fit.
George Newman: [as Big Edna walks up behind him] Big Edna. Big Edna. You sound like a broken record. Big Edna this, Big Edna that. Why are you so afraid of that big, pathetic tub of lard?
[Bob grimaces and turns away with embarassment as George quickly turns around and sees Big Edna now standing right behind him. George weakly smiles, as Big Edna smiles back, looking very menacing]
Teri: George, you've been bouncing from job to job ever since I've known you. You have to find some way of making your overactive imagination work for you instead of against you.
[turns around and discovers that George has molded his mashed potatoes into a mountain]
Teri: What are you doing?
George Newman: [mimicking Richard Dryfuss in 'Close Encounters of the Third Kind'] This means something. This is important.
[turns around and discovers that George has molded his mashed potatoes into a mountain]
Teri: What are you doing?
George Newman: [mimicking Richard Dryfuss in 'Close Encounters of the Third Kind'] This means something. This is important.
Aunt Esther: [after Harvey gets home from playing poker, referring to the piece of paper in his pocket] What's this?
Uncle Harvey: Oh, it's the deed to channel 62. I won it with a pair of 7s. I was bluffing.
Aunt Esther: Channel 62? Never heard of it.
Uncle Harvey: I'm not surprised. More people watch the fish tank at Leo's pet store.
Uncle Harvey: Oh, it's the deed to channel 62. I won it with a pair of 7s. I was bluffing.
Aunt Esther: Channel 62? Never heard of it.
Uncle Harvey: I'm not surprised. More people watch the fish tank at Leo's pet store.
Teri: George, did you get fired again?
George Newman: [banging his head against a counter] Yes! Yes! It's all true! I just don't know what's wrong with me!
[instantly changes his mood]
George Newman: So, what's for dinner?
[takes a look at what's for dinner]
George Newman: Mashed potatoes! My favorite!
George Newman: [banging his head against a counter] Yes! Yes! It's all true! I just don't know what's wrong with me!
[instantly changes his mood]
George Newman: So, what's for dinner?
[takes a look at what's for dinner]
George Newman: Mashed potatoes! My favorite!
Stanley Spadowski: [in backroom of the UHF building, preparing for another fund drive. There is a knock at the back door] Who is it?
Head Thug: I got a pizza here for Mr. Stanley Spadowski.
Stanley Spadowski: Pizza? For me? Ohhhh-ho-ho, boy!
[opens door, gets yanked through violently]
Stanley Spadowski: [later, blindfolded in the backseat of a car with the three thugs] I like peppers. I looooove anchovies. 'Cause they're real fishy. Sometimes I like to get a pizza with nothin' on it but anchovies, no peppers, no olives, no onions... 'cause they're good!
Killer Thug: [raises revolver] So, uh... do we kill him?
Head Thug: No, no, the boss just wants us to keep him on ice for a while. Easy, easy!
Stanley Spadowski: Hey, wait a minute! You guys aren't from the pizza place!
Head Thug: I got a pizza here for Mr. Stanley Spadowski.
Stanley Spadowski: Pizza? For me? Ohhhh-ho-ho, boy!
[opens door, gets yanked through violently]
Stanley Spadowski: [later, blindfolded in the backseat of a car with the three thugs] I like peppers. I looooove anchovies. 'Cause they're real fishy. Sometimes I like to get a pizza with nothin' on it but anchovies, no peppers, no olives, no onions... 'cause they're good!
Killer Thug: [raises revolver] So, uh... do we kill him?
Head Thug: No, no, the boss just wants us to keep him on ice for a while. Easy, easy!
Stanley Spadowski: Hey, wait a minute! You guys aren't from the pizza place!
Bob: What's Teri gonna say when she learns you got fired from another job again? Aren't you supposed to meet her at her parents house for dinner tonight?
George Newman: Teri? What time is it?
[an arm belonging to a beginner student at Kuni's Karate School suddenly next door suddenly bursts through the wall as George looks at the wristwatch on the man's arm]
George Newman: 7:30? Oh no, I gotta run. I'll see you later.
George Newman: Teri? What time is it?
[an arm belonging to a beginner student at Kuni's Karate School suddenly next door suddenly bursts through the wall as George looks at the wristwatch on the man's arm]
George Newman: 7:30? Oh no, I gotta run. I'll see you later.
[George notices a measuring tape, but does not recognize Fletcher at first]
George Newman: Can I help you?
R.J. Fletcher: No, thanks. Just taking a few measurements.
[Stanley enters the office and looks at the TV, but once he recognizes Fletcher, he runs away]
George Newman: Wait a minute, I think I missed something here.
R.J. Fletcher: Oh, didn't I tell you? I own this place now.
[Pamela Finklestein looks stunned about this]
George Newman: You what?
R.J. Fletcher: What's the matter, kid, you got wax in your ears?
George Newman: But my Uncle Harvey.
R.J. Fletcher: [as he interrupts George] Harvey Bilchik is flying in tonight to close the deal.
[George, Bob and Pamela all look stunned]
George Newman: Can I help you?
R.J. Fletcher: No, thanks. Just taking a few measurements.
[Stanley enters the office and looks at the TV, but once he recognizes Fletcher, he runs away]
George Newman: Wait a minute, I think I missed something here.
R.J. Fletcher: Oh, didn't I tell you? I own this place now.
[Pamela Finklestein looks stunned about this]
George Newman: You what?
R.J. Fletcher: What's the matter, kid, you got wax in your ears?
George Newman: But my Uncle Harvey.
R.J. Fletcher: [as he interrupts George] Harvey Bilchik is flying in tonight to close the deal.
[George, Bob and Pamela all look stunned]
[in response to Fletcher stating that he "owns" Channel 62]
Bob: Wait a minute, wait a minute. Don't you already own Channel 8? Isn't it illegal to own two television stations in the same town?
R.J. Fletcher: Oh! Really? Gee...
[George and Bob do not say anything]
R.J. Fletcher: I guess I'll have to turn this place into a parking lot!
[then Fletcher laughs hysterically]
R.J. Fletcher: Toodle-oo!
Bob: Wait a minute, wait a minute. Don't you already own Channel 8? Isn't it illegal to own two television stations in the same town?
R.J. Fletcher: Oh! Really? Gee...
[George and Bob do not say anything]
R.J. Fletcher: I guess I'll have to turn this place into a parking lot!
[then Fletcher laughs hysterically]
R.J. Fletcher: Toodle-oo!
