Top Gear Quotes
Quentin, Tiff, Vicki and others look at all things car-related.
Richard Hammond: [Talking about the Ford GT's poor fuel economy and the fact that Jeremy is getting one] And actually, 17 and a half gallon tank. 4... 4 miles to the gallon, how far does that mean you will be able to go in your car before you ran out of petrol?
Jeremy Clarkson: 75 miles.
Richard Hammond: 75 miles?
Jeremy Clarkson: Yeah.
Richard Hammond: Well, how far then do you live, for instance, from the Top Gear office?
Jeremy Clarkson: 76 miles.
Jeremy Clarkson: 75 miles.
Richard Hammond: 75 miles?
Jeremy Clarkson: Yeah.
Richard Hammond: Well, how far then do you live, for instance, from the Top Gear office?
Jeremy Clarkson: 76 miles.
[after Richard and James just tested the "Cottage S-Class", a Mercedes S-Class Jeremy has modified to look like the inside of his house including a concrete floor with wood paneling, and indoor chairs]
Jeremy Clarkson: This is the safest car in the world.
Richard Hammond: I've got a scar!
James May: I've got bruised ribs and a badly barked shin!
Jeremy Clarkson: Listen. You see these endless crash test footage of cars being thumped into concrete blocks and the concrete blocks are never damaged. This is a concrete block!
James May: I would very happily drive this into a concrete block. Turning around on some corners was really dangerous!
Richard Hammond: And another thing. Why did you polish the wooden floor? I was all woo -
[imitates sliding action]
Jeremy Clarkson: Look! The brilliance of this car is that you're never going fast enough to properly hurt yourself!
Richard Hammond: You're never going fast enough to get where you're going!
James May: Yeah, zero to sixty in, what was it, forty-five seconds.
Jeremy Clarkson: How safe is that?
Richard Hammond: Have you ever been in a dining room going sixty miles an hour?
James May: Do you want me to show what it feels like to get hit in the back of the head with a wingback chair?
Jeremy Clarkson: Look! The problem is taste, okay.
[points to Richard]
Jeremy Clarkson: If we built a car to look like the inside of your house, it would have a horse in it!
[points to James]
Jeremy Clarkson: And you. Your house is just full of pictures of the Queen.
Jeremy Clarkson: This is the safest car in the world.
Richard Hammond: I've got a scar!
James May: I've got bruised ribs and a badly barked shin!
Jeremy Clarkson: Listen. You see these endless crash test footage of cars being thumped into concrete blocks and the concrete blocks are never damaged. This is a concrete block!
James May: I would very happily drive this into a concrete block. Turning around on some corners was really dangerous!
Richard Hammond: And another thing. Why did you polish the wooden floor? I was all woo -
[imitates sliding action]
Jeremy Clarkson: Look! The brilliance of this car is that you're never going fast enough to properly hurt yourself!
Richard Hammond: You're never going fast enough to get where you're going!
James May: Yeah, zero to sixty in, what was it, forty-five seconds.
Jeremy Clarkson: How safe is that?
Richard Hammond: Have you ever been in a dining room going sixty miles an hour?
James May: Do you want me to show what it feels like to get hit in the back of the head with a wingback chair?
Jeremy Clarkson: Look! The problem is taste, okay.
[points to Richard]
Jeremy Clarkson: If we built a car to look like the inside of your house, it would have a horse in it!
[points to James]
Jeremy Clarkson: And you. Your house is just full of pictures of the Queen.
Jeremy Clarkson: [repeated pattern of introducing the Power Lap segment] Now it is time to see how fast this car goes round our track, and that, of course, means handing it over to our tame racing driver. Some say that
[absurd fact #1]
Jeremy Clarkson: . Or that
[absurd fact #2]
Jeremy Clarkson: . All we know is, he's called The Stig.
[absurd fact #1]
Jeremy Clarkson: . Or that
[absurd fact #2]
Jeremy Clarkson: . All we know is, he's called The Stig.
Jeremy Clarkson: [When driving the McLaren Mercedes SLR through a tunnel] When they debate as to what the sound of the SLR engine was akin to, the British engineers from McLaren said it sounded like a Spitfire. But the German engineers from Mercedes said "Nein! Nein! Sounds like a Messerschmitt!" They were both wrong. It sounds like the God of Thunder, gargling with nails.
Richard Hammond: [announcing the Top Gear 2008 Awards in December 2008] Right, this is the award for the best noise we've heard all year. These are the nominations. The V8 bellow of the new Mercedes CLK Black, The V8 bellow of the Ferrari Scuderia and the V8 bellow of the Alfa Romeo 8C. Well, the winner of this category. The winner, you are gonna love this, Jeremy.
Jeremy Clarkson: Is it the Black?
Richard Hammond: No. Actually, the winner is, Will Young's new single!
[Will Young's new single played]
Jeremy Clarkson: Is it the Black?
Richard Hammond: No. Actually, the winner is, Will Young's new single!
[Will Young's new single played]
Jeremy Clarkson: Anyway, first award is injury of the year. The nominations are Richard in our "headhammer thrust i-eagle geoff".
[Show a scene where the boys do a crash test on their own electric car which was built by themselves]
James May: Jeremy making paintball art.
[a scene where Jeremy is being shot at his balls by a paintball which was being fired from the exhaust of an F1 car]
Richard Hammond: And James on a gang plank in Bolivia.
[a scene where James trip on a plank hurting his balls as he was walking on the plank that leads to the boat]
[Show a scene where the boys do a crash test on their own electric car which was built by themselves]
James May: Jeremy making paintball art.
[a scene where Jeremy is being shot at his balls by a paintball which was being fired from the exhaust of an F1 car]
Richard Hammond: And James on a gang plank in Bolivia.
[a scene where James trip on a plank hurting his balls as he was walking on the plank that leads to the boat]
Jeremy Clarkson: [Inside Hammond's CamperBoat] This is actually quite cosy.
Richard Hammond: Oh yeah, has all the comforts of a houseboat.
Jeremy Clarkson: [pair start reading magazines] Did you see the titles of these?
Richard Hammond: No... well i went for those that have a houseboat feel to them.
Jeremy Clarkson: [Shows Hammond the title of the mag he picked up "Gay Times"] So why this then?
Richard Hammond: Oh yeah, has all the comforts of a houseboat.
Jeremy Clarkson: [pair start reading magazines] Did you see the titles of these?
Richard Hammond: No... well i went for those that have a houseboat feel to them.
Jeremy Clarkson: [Shows Hammond the title of the mag he picked up "Gay Times"] So why this then?
Jeremy Clarkson: [announcing the Top Gear 2005 Awards in December 2005] Now the best gas guzzler of the year. And the nominations are: the Range Rover Sport which achieved eight miles to the gallon; the Bugatti Veyron which achieved four miles to the gallon; and Hemel Hempstead. That actually used up 60 million gallons of fuel and didn't move an inch.
[referring to the then-recent gas explosion in Hertfordshire]
[referring to the then-recent gas explosion in Hertfordshire]
Jeremy Clarkson: [about TVR Tuscan 2] You see, my wife loves this car. She loves the noise and the vibrations and the sense of danger and the way that when you over-rev it, the whole dash lights up like a baboon's backside. Richard Hammond on the other hand, he pretty much hates it. He says its too difficult and too complicated and that all the stitching in here looks like the kind of stitching you find when someone's tried to mend their own shoes.
Richard Hammond: [announcing the nominees for the Weirdest Renault] Ok, Weirdest Renault of the year. The nominees are as follows: The Velsatis. It's a businessman's car, but only if your business is Enron. The Megane, a family car, but only if your family is the Osbournes. And the Avantime, it is a sporty coupe but only if you don't want a car of that sporty or a coupe.
Richard Hammond: [discussing Sabine's Schmitz drive round Nurburgring] Don't forget, she was only half a second a mile behind you, and she was in this van.
Jeremy Clarkson: I think we should explain. The Nurburgring, as I'm sure some of you know, is sort of open the whole time. You can pay five pounds to go on a lap, so there were other cars out there as well.
Richard Hammond: It was just an ordinary day, and you saw them. There were guys in their Porsches, "Look at me in my Porsche, ha ha!" and they were overtaken by a van. Driven by a girl!
Jeremy Clarkson: I think we should explain. The Nurburgring, as I'm sure some of you know, is sort of open the whole time. You can pay five pounds to go on a lap, so there were other cars out there as well.
Richard Hammond: It was just an ordinary day, and you saw them. There were guys in their Porsches, "Look at me in my Porsche, ha ha!" and they were overtaken by a van. Driven by a girl!
Jeremy Clarkson: We start tonight with the highlight of my childhood. It's the Ladybird Book of Motorcars from 1963, and as you would imagine it's full of rubbish really. Just endless boring grey shapes, until you get to page 40, where you find the Maserati 3500 GT. Now this for me, when I was little, was like kind of Jordan and Cameron Diaz. In a bath together. With a Lightning jet fighter. And lots of jelly.
