Tommy Boy Quotes
An incompetent, immature, and dimwitted heir to an auto parts factory must save the business to keep it out of the hands of his new, con-artist relatives and big business.
Tommy: Let's think about this for a sec, Ted. Why would somebody put a guarantee on a box? Hmmm, very interesting.
Ted Nelson, Customer: Go on, I'm listening.
Tommy: Here's the way I see it, Ted. Guy puts a fancy guarantee on a box 'cause he wants you to feel all warm and toasty inside.
Ted Nelson, Customer: Yeah, makes a man feel good.
Tommy: 'Course it does. Why shouldn't it? Ya figure you put that little box under your pillow at night, the Guarantee Fairy might come by and leave a quarter, am I right, Ted?
[chuckles until he sees that Ted is not laughing]
Ted Nelson, Customer: [impatiently] What's your point?
Tommy: The point is, how do you know the fairy isn't a crazy glue sniffer? "Building model airplanes" says the little fairy; well, we're not buying it. He sneaks into your house once, that's all it takes. The next thing you know, there's money missing off the dresser, and your daughter's knocked up. I seen it a hundred times.
Ted Nelson, Customer: But why do they put a guarantee on the box?
Tommy: Because they know all they sold ya was a guaranteed piece of shit. That's all it is, isn't it? Hey, if you want me to take a dump in a box and mark it guaranteed, I will. I got spare time. But for now, for your customer's sake, for your daughter's sake, ya might wanna think about buying a quality product from me.
Ted Nelson, Customer: [pause] Okay, I'll buy from you.
Tommy: Well, that's...
Tommy, Richard Hayden: ...What?
Ted Nelson, Customer: Go on, I'm listening.
Tommy: Here's the way I see it, Ted. Guy puts a fancy guarantee on a box 'cause he wants you to feel all warm and toasty inside.
Ted Nelson, Customer: Yeah, makes a man feel good.
Tommy: 'Course it does. Why shouldn't it? Ya figure you put that little box under your pillow at night, the Guarantee Fairy might come by and leave a quarter, am I right, Ted?
[chuckles until he sees that Ted is not laughing]
Ted Nelson, Customer: [impatiently] What's your point?
Tommy: The point is, how do you know the fairy isn't a crazy glue sniffer? "Building model airplanes" says the little fairy; well, we're not buying it. He sneaks into your house once, that's all it takes. The next thing you know, there's money missing off the dresser, and your daughter's knocked up. I seen it a hundred times.
Ted Nelson, Customer: But why do they put a guarantee on the box?
Tommy: Because they know all they sold ya was a guaranteed piece of shit. That's all it is, isn't it? Hey, if you want me to take a dump in a box and mark it guaranteed, I will. I got spare time. But for now, for your customer's sake, for your daughter's sake, ya might wanna think about buying a quality product from me.
Ted Nelson, Customer: [pause] Okay, I'll buy from you.
Tommy: Well, that's...
Tommy, Richard Hayden: ...What?
Tommy: [Tommy comes back into the hotel room unexpectedly, catching Richard spying on a girl swimming topless in the pool with his pants unzipped. Richard immediately dives into bed] Richard, what were you doing?
Richard Hayden: Um, going over some documents.
Tommy: Well, where are they? Geez, I don't see them!
Richard Hayden: They're... in my briefcase.
Tommy: How can you be reading documents, when they're in you're briefcase? Hmm... that's a mystery!
Richard Hayden: [Rolls over to go to sleep] Ok then, let's hit it.
Tommy: Richard! Were you watching, "Spank-tra-vision?" Maybe you were watching a movie with that funny comedian! Oh, whats his name? Buddy... Whackett?
Richard Hayden: Ok, let's get some shut-eye.
Tommy: [Looks out the window] Say! That's a pretty girl down there!
Richard Hayden: Good for her.
Tommy: Gee, I wonder if she goes out with one of the Yankees!
Richard Hayden: Couldn't tell ya.
[Later that night]
Tommy: Big day tomorrow. Hope we can keep this momentum goin'.
Richard Hayden: Yup. That'd be good.
Tommy: Richard... Who's you're favorite little rascal? Alfalfa? Or is it Spanky?
[Giggles]
Tommy: Sinner.
Richard Hayden: Um, going over some documents.
Tommy: Well, where are they? Geez, I don't see them!
Richard Hayden: They're... in my briefcase.
Tommy: How can you be reading documents, when they're in you're briefcase? Hmm... that's a mystery!
Richard Hayden: [Rolls over to go to sleep] Ok then, let's hit it.
Tommy: Richard! Were you watching, "Spank-tra-vision?" Maybe you were watching a movie with that funny comedian! Oh, whats his name? Buddy... Whackett?
Richard Hayden: Ok, let's get some shut-eye.
Tommy: [Looks out the window] Say! That's a pretty girl down there!
Richard Hayden: Good for her.
Tommy: Gee, I wonder if she goes out with one of the Yankees!
Richard Hayden: Couldn't tell ya.
[Later that night]
Tommy: Big day tomorrow. Hope we can keep this momentum goin'.
Richard Hayden: Yup. That'd be good.
Tommy: Richard... Who's you're favorite little rascal? Alfalfa? Or is it Spanky?
[Giggles]
Tommy: Sinner.
Tommy: Uh, what my associate is trying say is... Our new brake pads are really cool. You're not even gonna believe it. Like, let's say you're driving along the road with your family.
[Picks up model car]
Tommy: You're drivin' along, la-de-da, woo. All of a sudden there's a truck tire in the middle of the road. And you hit the brakes. EEEEEEEEE! Whoa, that was close. Ha-ha. Now let's see what happens when you're driving with the "other guy's" brake pads. You're drivin' along, you're drivin' along, the kids start shouting from the back seat, "I gotta go to the bathroom, Daddy!" "Not now, damn it!" Truck tire. EEEEEEEE! I CAN'T STOP!
[Slams model car into lighter]
Tommy: There's a cliff! AAAAAHH! And your family's screaming,
[sets car on fire]
Tommy: "Oh my God, we're burning alive!" "No! I can't feel my legs!" Here comes the meat wagon.
[Imitates siren]
Tommy: And the medic gets out and says, "Oh my God". New guy's around the corner puking his guts out.
[Imitates retching]
Tommy: All because you want to save a couple extra pennies. And to me, it doesn't...
Executive with Toy Cars: Get out. Now!
Tommy: [Richard tries blowing out flaming car] Do you validate?
Executive with Toy Cars: No!
[Picks up model car]
Tommy: You're drivin' along, la-de-da, woo. All of a sudden there's a truck tire in the middle of the road. And you hit the brakes. EEEEEEEEE! Whoa, that was close. Ha-ha. Now let's see what happens when you're driving with the "other guy's" brake pads. You're drivin' along, you're drivin' along, the kids start shouting from the back seat, "I gotta go to the bathroom, Daddy!" "Not now, damn it!" Truck tire. EEEEEEEE! I CAN'T STOP!
[Slams model car into lighter]
Tommy: There's a cliff! AAAAAHH! And your family's screaming,
[sets car on fire]
Tommy: "Oh my God, we're burning alive!" "No! I can't feel my legs!" Here comes the meat wagon.
[Imitates siren]
Tommy: And the medic gets out and says, "Oh my God". New guy's around the corner puking his guts out.
[Imitates retching]
Tommy: All because you want to save a couple extra pennies. And to me, it doesn't...
Executive with Toy Cars: Get out. Now!
Tommy: [Richard tries blowing out flaming car] Do you validate?
Executive with Toy Cars: No!
Richard Hayden: Look Mommy, the Rhino's getting too close to the car.
Tommy: Him too afraid to get out, him just a little guy.
Richard Hayden: All right, that's it, fat boy, I'm gonna wail on you.
Tommy: Hey, boys and girls, it's Papa Smurf!
Richard Hayden: You don't want none of me; think it through.
Tommy: Just gimme your best shot.
[Richard Punches him]
Tommy: That was it? Come on you can do better than that, can't you Captain Limp Wrist? Try again!
[Richard punches him again]
Tommy: Hey everybody, is there a window open; I feel a draft!
[Richard punches him twice]
Tommy: If I wanted a kiss, I'd call your mother!
[Richard hits him over the face with a 2×4]
Tommy: That was a good one.
Richard Hayden: [Richard looks up] Hey, Prehistoric Forest!
Tommy: Him too afraid to get out, him just a little guy.
Richard Hayden: All right, that's it, fat boy, I'm gonna wail on you.
Tommy: Hey, boys and girls, it's Papa Smurf!
Richard Hayden: You don't want none of me; think it through.
Tommy: Just gimme your best shot.
[Richard Punches him]
Tommy: That was it? Come on you can do better than that, can't you Captain Limp Wrist? Try again!
[Richard punches him again]
Tommy: Hey everybody, is there a window open; I feel a draft!
[Richard punches him twice]
Tommy: If I wanted a kiss, I'd call your mother!
[Richard hits him over the face with a 2×4]
Tommy: That was a good one.
Richard Hayden: [Richard looks up] Hey, Prehistoric Forest!
Tommy: I l-left a message.
Richard Hayden: A message? What number did you call?
Tommy: Two, four, niner, five, six, seven...
Richard Hayden: I can't hear you, you're trailing off and did I catch a niner in there? Were you calling from a walkie-talkie?
Tommy: No, it was cordless.
Richard Hayden: You know what? Don't. Not here, not now.
Richard Hayden: A message? What number did you call?
Tommy: Two, four, niner, five, six, seven...
Richard Hayden: I can't hear you, you're trailing off and did I catch a niner in there? Were you calling from a walkie-talkie?
Tommy: No, it was cordless.
Richard Hayden: You know what? Don't. Not here, not now.
[Richard knocks on the door impersonating the maid while Tommy tries to sleep]
Richard Hayden: Housekeeping. You want mint for pillow?
Tommy: Please go away let me sleep, *for the love of God.*
Richard Hayden: Housekeeping. You want me to jerk you off?
Tommy: What kind of hotel is this?
[opens door]
Tommy: Who the hell are... Oh, it's you.
Richard Hayden: Good morning, sunshine.
Richard Hayden: Housekeeping. You want mint for pillow?
Tommy: Please go away let me sleep, *for the love of God.*
Richard Hayden: Housekeeping. You want me to jerk you off?
Tommy: What kind of hotel is this?
[opens door]
Tommy: Who the hell are... Oh, it's you.
Richard Hayden: Good morning, sunshine.
Richard Hayden: You're right! You're not your dad! He could sell a ketchup Popsicle to a woman in white gloves!
Tommy: Ketchup Popsicle?
Richard Hayden: Yeah. I learned everything I know from him. I didn't have a real father, but you, he was your real dad and yo just took him for granted.
[mocking Tommy]
Richard Hayden: "Hey I'm big Toms' son, I screw things up, but it's ok my dad will fix everything, so I'm allowed to be a MORON!"
Tommy: Ketchup Popsicle?
Richard Hayden: Yeah. I learned everything I know from him. I didn't have a real father, but you, he was your real dad and yo just took him for granted.
[mocking Tommy]
Richard Hayden: "Hey I'm big Toms' son, I screw things up, but it's ok my dad will fix everything, so I'm allowed to be a MORON!"
Tommy: [Trying to copy his father's quote] Hey, I'll tell you what. You can get a good look at a butcher's ass by sticking your head up there. But, wouldn't you rather to take his word for it?
Mr. Brady, Customer: [confused] What? I'm failing to make the connection here.
Tommy: No, I mean is, you can get a good look at a T-bone by sticking your head up a butcher's ass... No, wait. It's gotta be your bull.
Richard: [embarrassed] Wow.
Mr. Brady, Customer: [confused] What? I'm failing to make the connection here.
Tommy: No, I mean is, you can get a good look at a T-bone by sticking your head up a butcher's ass... No, wait. It's gotta be your bull.
Richard: [embarrassed] Wow.
[Tommy carelessly set an open bag of M&M's on the dashboard and they immediately pour into an open vent]
Richard Hayden: Oh that sounds good: melted chocolate inside the dash. That really ups the resale value.
Tommy: I think you'll be okay here, they have a thin candy shell. 'Surprised you didn't know that.
Richard Hayden: I think your brain has a thick candy shell.
Tommy: Your... Your brain has the shell on it.
Richard Hayden: Are you talking?
Tommy: Shut up, Richard.
Richard Hayden: Oh that sounds good: melted chocolate inside the dash. That really ups the resale value.
Tommy: I think you'll be okay here, they have a thin candy shell. 'Surprised you didn't know that.
Richard Hayden: I think your brain has a thick candy shell.
Tommy: Your... Your brain has the shell on it.
Richard Hayden: Are you talking?
Tommy: Shut up, Richard.
[Richard and Tommy almost got in a car accident]
Richard Hayden: Hey... I was just thinking... when we stopped for gas this morning I think it was you who put the oil in.
Tommy: Hey if you're going to say I didn't put the right kind in, you're wrong. I used 10-W-30. And besides, motor oil would have nothing to do with this accident.
Richard Hayden: True. But you can't latch the hood too well, IF YOU DON'T TAKE THE CAN OUT, YOU NO-SELLING WASTE OF SPACE.
[Tommy winces at his mistake]
Richard Hayden: I swear to God, you're worthless!
Richard Hayden: Hey... I was just thinking... when we stopped for gas this morning I think it was you who put the oil in.
Tommy: Hey if you're going to say I didn't put the right kind in, you're wrong. I used 10-W-30. And besides, motor oil would have nothing to do with this accident.
Richard Hayden: True. But you can't latch the hood too well, IF YOU DON'T TAKE THE CAN OUT, YOU NO-SELLING WASTE OF SPACE.
[Tommy winces at his mistake]
Richard Hayden: I swear to God, you're worthless!
Richard Hayden: And... what about seat belts? To fasten, take the little end and stick it in the big end and... you know what? If you guys don't know how to use a seatbelt, just ring your call button and Tommy will come back there and hit you on the head with a tack hammer because you're a *retard*.
Tommy: [Tommy and Richard are sitting on a park bench after getting kicked out of Salinsky's headquarters] I thought they were on my side.
Richard Hayden: They figured they had something to gain if the factory was being closed.
Tommy: Boy this is the worst. My so called family deserts me. Michelle's mad at me. I've lost the factory, the town's going under and I'm out of a job.
[the park bench collapses]
Tommy: Could've done without that.
Richard Hayden: They figured they had something to gain if the factory was being closed.
Tommy: Boy this is the worst. My so called family deserts me. Michelle's mad at me. I've lost the factory, the town's going under and I'm out of a job.
[the park bench collapses]
Tommy: Could've done without that.
[Moments earlier they hit a deer, it's now riding in the back seat of Richard's car]
Tommy: Where are we gonna take the deer?
Richard Hayden: I dunno, the vet?
Tommy: You take dead animals to the vet?
Richard Hayden: Why not? I'd take you to the vet.
Tommy: Yeah I'll take you to the... Um...
Richard Hayden: Got that?
Tommy: Shut up.
Tommy: Where are we gonna take the deer?
Richard Hayden: I dunno, the vet?
Tommy: You take dead animals to the vet?
Richard Hayden: Why not? I'd take you to the vet.
Tommy: Yeah I'll take you to the... Um...
Richard Hayden: Got that?
Tommy: Shut up.
Tommy: Hey, what's your name?
Helen: Helen.
Tommy: That's nice, you look like a Helen. Helen, we're both in sales. Let me tell you why I suck as a sales man. Let's say I go into a guy's office, let's say he's even remotely interested in buying something. Well then I get all excited. I'm like Jojo the idiot circus boy with a pretty new pet.
[Reaches down and picks up a dinner roll]
Tommy: Now the pet is my possible sale. Hello there pretty little pet, I love you. And then I stoke it, and I pet it, and I massage it. Hehe I love it, I love my little naughty pet.
[Pokes the roll playfully]
Tommy: You're naughty! And then I take my naughty pet and I go...
[makes ripping noises as he tears apart the roll]
Tommy: [Wailing loudly, making the whole restaurant look] Uuuuuuh! I killed it! I killed my sale! And that's when I blow it. That's when people like us have gotta forge ahead, Helen. Am I right?
Helen: God, you're sick.
Helen: Helen.
Tommy: That's nice, you look like a Helen. Helen, we're both in sales. Let me tell you why I suck as a sales man. Let's say I go into a guy's office, let's say he's even remotely interested in buying something. Well then I get all excited. I'm like Jojo the idiot circus boy with a pretty new pet.
[Reaches down and picks up a dinner roll]
Tommy: Now the pet is my possible sale. Hello there pretty little pet, I love you. And then I stoke it, and I pet it, and I massage it. Hehe I love it, I love my little naughty pet.
[Pokes the roll playfully]
Tommy: You're naughty! And then I take my naughty pet and I go...
[makes ripping noises as he tears apart the roll]
Tommy: [Wailing loudly, making the whole restaurant look] Uuuuuuh! I killed it! I killed my sale! And that's when I blow it. That's when people like us have gotta forge ahead, Helen. Am I right?
Helen: God, you're sick.
Tommy: [goofing off in front of an electric fan] La-la-la-loo-loo... Luuuke... Luuuke! I am your fah-ther! La-la-lay-lu...
Richard Hayden: [Walks in] Oh, I've interrupted happy time! Now I know you want to sit there and keep being not slim, but we gotta work a little today.
Tommy: That was from Star Wars.
Richard Hayden: I know.
Richard Hayden: [Walks in] Oh, I've interrupted happy time! Now I know you want to sit there and keep being not slim, but we gotta work a little today.
Tommy: That was from Star Wars.
Richard Hayden: I know.
Tommy: Forget it, I quit, I can't do this anymore, man. My head's about to explode. My whole life sucks! I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know where I'm going. My dad just died, we just killed Bambi, I'm out here getting my ass kicked and every time I drive down the road I wanna jerk the wheel into a Goddamn bridge abutment!
Tommy: R.T., I think I figured out the problem. This order is going to Columbus. That's a one-day delivery, but you've got it marked down for two.
R.T., Shipping Foreman: That's because it's going to Columbus, Georgia. Not Columbus, Ohio.
[he shows Tommy the shipping address]
R.T., Shipping Foreman: You see these letters by the city? That's called a state. What else you got, Wonder Boy?
Tommy: Uh... that's pretty much it for now.
R.T., Shipping Foreman: Hey, Tommy, maybe you should go back to college for another seven years and study a globe.
R.T., Shipping Foreman: That's because it's going to Columbus, Georgia. Not Columbus, Ohio.
[he shows Tommy the shipping address]
R.T., Shipping Foreman: You see these letters by the city? That's called a state. What else you got, Wonder Boy?
Tommy: Uh... that's pretty much it for now.
R.T., Shipping Foreman: Hey, Tommy, maybe you should go back to college for another seven years and study a globe.
Paul: Wait a minute, fat boy. You lost your shares to the bank. You don't even have a right to be here!
Michelle: Gee, it's funny you should bring that up, 'cause I'm not sure that you have the right to be here.
Thomas 'Tommy' Callahan III: Whoa, what have we got here? Oh, my God, it's a Police Report.
Ray Zalinsky: What's all this about?
Thomas 'Tommy' Callahan III: Let's see. "Paul Barrish, married May 1993 to Beverly Barrish aka Beverly Burns". Richard, how could Beverly be married to Paul and my dad at the same time? Interesting!
Richard Hayden: Yes. Provocative.
Thomas 'Tommy' Callahan III: What I think it means is your marriage to my dad was never legal.
Michelle: Which also means that Beverly's shares still belong to Tommy.
Michelle: Gee, it's funny you should bring that up, 'cause I'm not sure that you have the right to be here.
Thomas 'Tommy' Callahan III: Whoa, what have we got here? Oh, my God, it's a Police Report.
Ray Zalinsky: What's all this about?
Thomas 'Tommy' Callahan III: Let's see. "Paul Barrish, married May 1993 to Beverly Barrish aka Beverly Burns". Richard, how could Beverly be married to Paul and my dad at the same time? Interesting!
Richard Hayden: Yes. Provocative.
Thomas 'Tommy' Callahan III: What I think it means is your marriage to my dad was never legal.
Michelle: Which also means that Beverly's shares still belong to Tommy.
Tommy: Richard, do I have a mark on my face? It really hurts.
Richard Hayden: Nope, nothing. I thought I hit you on the shoulder.
Tommy: My shoulder doesn't hurt very much, but my face does.
[points to huge bruised area on his face]
Tommy: Right here. Not here or here so much. Right here.
Richard Hayden: Nope. Ship shape! Waitress, can I get that shrimp cocktail I saw in the glass case?
Helen: Yep. And you, what can I get
[pauses and looks at Tommy's face]
Helen: Jesus, what happened to your face?
Tommy: I knew it!
Richard Hayden: Nope, nothing. I thought I hit you on the shoulder.
Tommy: My shoulder doesn't hurt very much, but my face does.
[points to huge bruised area on his face]
Tommy: Right here. Not here or here so much. Right here.
Richard Hayden: Nope. Ship shape! Waitress, can I get that shrimp cocktail I saw in the glass case?
Helen: Yep. And you, what can I get
[pauses and looks at Tommy's face]
Helen: Jesus, what happened to your face?
Tommy: I knew it!
Tommy: Richard? Is this your coat?
Richard: Don't do it.
Tommy: Fat guy in a little coat. Fat guy in a little coat.
Richard: Don't
Tommy: [singing] Fat guy in a little coat. / Fat guy in a little coat.
Richard: Take it off, Dickhead, I'm serious!
Tommy: Richard! What's happening?
[coat rips]
Tommy: Uh oh!
Richard: Don't do it.
Tommy: Fat guy in a little coat. Fat guy in a little coat.
Richard: Don't
Tommy: [singing] Fat guy in a little coat. / Fat guy in a little coat.
Richard: Take it off, Dickhead, I'm serious!
Tommy: Richard! What's happening?
[coat rips]
Tommy: Uh oh!
Richard Hayden: All right, now it's sale time, so remember, we don't take no...?
Tommy: No shit from anyone.
Richard Hayden: No.
Tommy: Um, we don't take no prisoners.
Richard Hayden: We don't take no for answer.
Tommy: Oh yeah... We don't take no for an answer! We don't take no for an answer...
[Tommy and Richard have just finished a presentation]
'No' Manager: No.
Tommy: Okey-dokey.
'No' Manager: No.
Tommy: Gotcha. Thanks.
'No' Manager: [shaking his head 'no'] Mmmm-mmmm.
Tommy: Terrific! Thanks for your time.
Tommy: No shit from anyone.
Richard Hayden: No.
Tommy: Um, we don't take no prisoners.
Richard Hayden: We don't take no for answer.
Tommy: Oh yeah... We don't take no for an answer! We don't take no for an answer...
[Tommy and Richard have just finished a presentation]
'No' Manager: No.
Tommy: Okey-dokey.
'No' Manager: No.
Tommy: Gotcha. Thanks.
'No' Manager: [shaking his head 'no'] Mmmm-mmmm.
Tommy: Terrific! Thanks for your time.
Ray Zalinsky: Truth is, I make car parts for the American working man because I'm a hell of a salesman and he doesn't know any better. Well, son, since you're no longer a shareholder, this is where I leave you. Don't feel bad. This chain of events was set in motion a long time ago, and you and bald-headed friend, you did what you could and that's commendable. Marty, have Security see these boys out.
Marty, Zalinsky's Aide: Yes, sir.
Ray Zalinsky: Mrs. Callahan.
[greets Beverly and Paul; Paul waves "goodbye"]
Thomas 'Tommy' Callahan III: [in shock] What's my family doing in there?
Marty, Zalinsky's Aide: Yes, sir.
Ray Zalinsky: Mrs. Callahan.
[greets Beverly and Paul; Paul waves "goodbye"]
Thomas 'Tommy' Callahan III: [in shock] What's my family doing in there?
Paul: That's it! I'm not gonna take this.
Richard Hayden: Uh, uh! It's not over yet, Lee Harvey.
Michelle: Let's see... warrants outstanding: New Mexico-Mail Fraud. Colorado-Wire Fraud. And coming soon to Ohio, Computer Fraud.
[Paul makes as if to say something, then makes a break for the door]
Thomas 'Tommy' Callahan III: [shouts] Get him!
Ray Zalinsky: Don't let him leave the complex, Marty.
Thomas 'Tommy' Callahan III: [Paul runs into the Zalinsky auto testing center] Hey, you forgot your wife!
Paul: Screw you! Screw all of you!
[trips over the lever that starts the crash test; car drives fast]
Paul: Not good.
Ray Zalinsky: Hit the brakes!
Paul: [screaming; car stops abruptly, sends Paul flying into a chair; a huge test bag drops down and smashes his testicles] Aaahh! Ohhh!
Richard Hayden: Ooh! That will ruin his weekend.
Richard Hayden: Uh, uh! It's not over yet, Lee Harvey.
Michelle: Let's see... warrants outstanding: New Mexico-Mail Fraud. Colorado-Wire Fraud. And coming soon to Ohio, Computer Fraud.
[Paul makes as if to say something, then makes a break for the door]
Thomas 'Tommy' Callahan III: [shouts] Get him!
Ray Zalinsky: Don't let him leave the complex, Marty.
Thomas 'Tommy' Callahan III: [Paul runs into the Zalinsky auto testing center] Hey, you forgot your wife!
Paul: Screw you! Screw all of you!
[trips over the lever that starts the crash test; car drives fast]
Paul: Not good.
Ray Zalinsky: Hit the brakes!
Paul: [screaming; car stops abruptly, sends Paul flying into a chair; a huge test bag drops down and smashes his testicles] Aaahh! Ohhh!
Richard Hayden: Ooh! That will ruin his weekend.
Frank Rittenhauer: [Richard is videotaping Reilly and Rittenhauer at the wedding reception] I just wanna tell you, you really look dynamite today, Beverly.
[toasts the camera]
Ted Reilly: Yeah, Tom, you are a lucky man. Boy, would I like to get some of that.
Richard Hayden: Good lord.
Ted Reilly: Oh, God. No. Richard, you got an edit button on that thing?
Richard Hayden: [backing away] It'll cost you!
Ted Reilly: Come here. Come here, you little prick!
[toasts the camera]
Ted Reilly: Yeah, Tom, you are a lucky man. Boy, would I like to get some of that.
Richard Hayden: Good lord.
Ted Reilly: Oh, God. No. Richard, you got an edit button on that thing?
Richard Hayden: [backing away] It'll cost you!
Ted Reilly: Come here. Come here, you little prick!
[Tommy has a fake bomb strapped to himself]
Nicole Taylor, Action 8 News: Is that why you've strapped a bomb to your chest?
Thomas 'Tommy' Callahan III: Oh, this isn't a bomb. These are road flares.
Ray Zalinsky: Road flares? Did you live under power lines as a kid, or something?
Thomas 'Tommy' Callahan III: Ha ha ha, why?
Nicole Taylor, Action 8 News: Is that why you've strapped a bomb to your chest?
Thomas 'Tommy' Callahan III: Oh, this isn't a bomb. These are road flares.
Ray Zalinsky: Road flares? Did you live under power lines as a kid, or something?
Thomas 'Tommy' Callahan III: Ha ha ha, why?
Tommy: Hey, remember your brother Duane? Whatever happened to him? We used to go to Safeway all the time and get caught trying to steal doughnuts.
Michelle: He's a cop. He had to get a real job when my parents moved to Cuyahoga Falls.
Tommy: Wow!
[awkward silence]
Michelle: [holds up box of Dunkin' Donuts] Want one?
Tommy: I'd better not. I have what doctors call a little bit of a weight problem. I used to grab bear claws as a kid, two at a time, and I'd get them lodged right in this region here.
[motioning at his stomach]
Michelle: He's a cop. He had to get a real job when my parents moved to Cuyahoga Falls.
Tommy: Wow!
[awkward silence]
Michelle: [holds up box of Dunkin' Donuts] Want one?
Tommy: I'd better not. I have what doctors call a little bit of a weight problem. I used to grab bear claws as a kid, two at a time, and I'd get them lodged right in this region here.
[motioning at his stomach]
Richard Hayden: What is our carrying charge for all the merchandise in the warehouse?
Tommy: Ohhhh, man...
Richard Hayden: One and a...
Tommy: ...half percent. I knew that. Why can't I remember it?
Richard Hayden: Try an association like, uhhh... Let's say the average person uses ten percent of their brain. How much do you use? One and a half percent. The rest is clogged with malted hops and bong resin.
Tommy: Ohhhh, man...
Richard Hayden: One and a...
Tommy: ...half percent. I knew that. Why can't I remember it?
Richard Hayden: Try an association like, uhhh... Let's say the average person uses ten percent of their brain. How much do you use? One and a half percent. The rest is clogged with malted hops and bong resin.
Tommy: Hey, what is this thing?
Louis, Factory Worker: It's a buffer. I take all the small pieces that need smoothing and give'em a zap.
Tommy: Cool, can I try?
Louis, Factory Worker: Sure, give'er!
[Tommy grinds a part with the buffer, it slips out of his hands and the wheel sends it flying across the factory]
Louis, Factory Worker: Nice distance!
Louis, Factory Worker: It's a buffer. I take all the small pieces that need smoothing and give'em a zap.
Tommy: Cool, can I try?
Louis, Factory Worker: Sure, give'er!
[Tommy grinds a part with the buffer, it slips out of his hands and the wheel sends it flying across the factory]
Louis, Factory Worker: Nice distance!
Tommy: Look at 'em there, pretty maids all in a row. I want the one on the left; she's perfect. Which one d'you want? Huh, huh, huh?... Alright.
Paul: Does it make a difference?
Tommy: Oh yeah. Wait a second. Is this your first time?
Paul: Yeah Tommy, it is.
Tommy: God, you're gonna remember this the rest of your life. Can't believe you've never been cow tipping before. Get ready to live. Huh, huh, huh, ssshhhh. She's sleepin'. What you do is, you put your shoulder into her and you push.
Paul: And?
Tommy: They fall over, hee, hee, hee.
Paul: And this doesn't strike you as kinda' dumb?
Tommy: We're family, we're gonna be doing lots of dumb stuff together. Wait 'til Christmas.
Paul: Does it make a difference?
Tommy: Oh yeah. Wait a second. Is this your first time?
Paul: Yeah Tommy, it is.
Tommy: God, you're gonna remember this the rest of your life. Can't believe you've never been cow tipping before. Get ready to live. Huh, huh, huh, ssshhhh. She's sleepin'. What you do is, you put your shoulder into her and you push.
Paul: And?
Tommy: They fall over, hee, hee, hee.
Paul: And this doesn't strike you as kinda' dumb?
Tommy: We're family, we're gonna be doing lots of dumb stuff together. Wait 'til Christmas.
