The Witches Quotes
A young boy stumbles onto a witch convention and must stop them, even after he has been turned into a mouse.
Grand High Witch: Formula 86: My greatest triumph. A work of... genius. Formula 86! In this bottle, 500 doses, with a delay mechanism that prevents it from working until two hours after it has been taken.
[laughs]
Millie: What does it do... Genius One?
Grand High Witch: One dose, and the time works to the second. But more than five doses breaks the delay barrier, and the formula works instantly. Child... starts to shrink. The child... starts to... grow fur. Starts... growing a tail! All this happens in precisely twenty-five seconds! Shrinking more... child is no longer a child.
[chuckles]
Grand High Witch: Child... is a MOUSE!
[laughs]
Millie: What does it do... Genius One?
Grand High Witch: One dose, and the time works to the second. But more than five doses breaks the delay barrier, and the formula works instantly. Child... starts to shrink. The child... starts to... grow fur. Starts... growing a tail! All this happens in precisely twenty-five seconds! Shrinking more... child is no longer a child.
[chuckles]
Grand High Witch: Child... is a MOUSE!
Mr. Jenkins: Thought I'd like to say hello to a fellow philanthropist.
Miss Eva Ernst: You collect stamps?
Mr. Jenkins: Charitees. This RSPCC.
Miss Eva Ernst: What is this RSP...?
Miss Irvine: [whispers] Cruelty to Children!
Miss Eva Ernst: Oh, of course, you give money for the little...
[gags]
Miss Eva Ernst: children. And... we of course... we also give money for the little...
[Irvine holds out a basin for he. Jenkins throws some change into it]
Miss Eva Ernst: You collect stamps?
Mr. Jenkins: Charitees. This RSPCC.
Miss Eva Ernst: What is this RSP...?
Miss Irvine: [whispers] Cruelty to Children!
Miss Eva Ernst: Oh, of course, you give money for the little...
[gags]
Miss Eva Ernst: children. And... we of course... we also give money for the little...
[Irvine holds out a basin for he. Jenkins throws some change into it]
Bruno Jenkins: [enters the convention, points at the Grand High Witch] That lady promised me six whole bars of cream-whipped hazelnut milk chocolate. I've come to collect.
Miss Eva Ernst: Ladies, may I introduce Bruno? Come up here. I have the chocolate here.
[Bruno does so]
Miss Eva Ernst: [looks at her watch] I said 6:15, and that is in 15 seconds from now.
[the wicthes laugh as does Bruno]
Miss Eva Ernst: [looks at Bruno] You are in for a treat.
Miss Eva Ernst: [laughs] We all are!
[everyone including Bruno laughs]
Bruno Jenkins: [stops laughing] What's going on?
Miss Eva Ernst: [gestures him to wait] Just a few moments... Five!
Bruno Jenkins: I can't even see any chocolate!
Miss Eva Ernst: [continues as the other witches join in] Four! Three! Two! One!
Bruno Jenkins: [talks over them] Will one of you please tell me what's up?
Miss Eva Ernst: ZERO!
[Bruno groans in pain then belches loudly]
Miss Eva Ernst: We have ignition!
[the witches begin laughing in amusement]
Miss Eva Ernst: Everybody, look! It's fantastic! It's begun!
[Bruno begins turning into a mouse]
Miss Eva Ernst: I can't stand it; it's so wonderful! Look at you! It's fantastic!
Miss Eva Ernst: Ladies, may I introduce Bruno? Come up here. I have the chocolate here.
[Bruno does so]
Miss Eva Ernst: [looks at her watch] I said 6:15, and that is in 15 seconds from now.
[the wicthes laugh as does Bruno]
Miss Eva Ernst: [looks at Bruno] You are in for a treat.
Miss Eva Ernst: [laughs] We all are!
[everyone including Bruno laughs]
Bruno Jenkins: [stops laughing] What's going on?
Miss Eva Ernst: [gestures him to wait] Just a few moments... Five!
Bruno Jenkins: I can't even see any chocolate!
Miss Eva Ernst: [continues as the other witches join in] Four! Three! Two! One!
Bruno Jenkins: [talks over them] Will one of you please tell me what's up?
Miss Eva Ernst: ZERO!
[Bruno groans in pain then belches loudly]
Miss Eva Ernst: We have ignition!
[the witches begin laughing in amusement]
Miss Eva Ernst: Everybody, look! It's fantastic! It's begun!
[Bruno begins turning into a mouse]
Miss Eva Ernst: I can't stand it; it's so wonderful! Look at you! It's fantastic!
[the head chef has started shouting about a mouse in his trousers; the staff are trying to get at it by pulling his trousers off]
Mr. Stringer: What's going on in here?
[he begins searching around]
Mr. Stringer: There's nothing much in there!
[throws down the chef's trousers]
Mr. Stringer: Lot of fuss about nothing!
Mr. Stringer: What's going on in here?
[he begins searching around]
Mr. Stringer: There's nothing much in there!
[throws down the chef's trousers]
Mr. Stringer: Lot of fuss about nothing!
Beatrice: [to another witch, under her breath] We can't possibly wipe out ALL of them!
Grand High Witch: Who spoke? Who DARES to argue with me? It was you!
Beatrice: I didn't mean to argue, your Grandness
Grand High Witch: You DARED to argue with me?
Beatrice: No, honestly, it just was a...
Grand High Witch: A stupid witch who answers back, must BURN till her bones are black!
Beatrice: No! No!
Grand High Witch: A foolish witch without a brain, must sizzle into fire and flame! I witch who dares to say I'm wrong, will not be with us... VERY LONG!
[she zaps the witch with her eyes]
Grand High Witch: Who spoke? Who DARES to argue with me? It was you!
Beatrice: I didn't mean to argue, your Grandness
Grand High Witch: You DARED to argue with me?
Beatrice: No, honestly, it just was a...
Grand High Witch: A stupid witch who answers back, must BURN till her bones are black!
Beatrice: No! No!
Grand High Witch: A foolish witch without a brain, must sizzle into fire and flame! I witch who dares to say I'm wrong, will not be with us... VERY LONG!
[she zaps the witch with her eyes]
Henrietta: Poisoned sweets? We'll wipe them out like weasels!
Miss Eva Ernst: Who spoke?
Miss Irvine: [points at Henrietta and laughs] She did!
Henrietta: It's brilliant!
Miss Eva Ernst: Poisoned? And you don't mind getting caught, exposed, vilified?
Henrietta: [nervously] Well, I just thought...
Miss Eva Ernst: Mindless bumpkin! You blithering bogvumper!
[Henrietta winces in fear]
Miss Eva Ernst: No wonder that England is swarming with...
[Eva takes a deep breath to keep her cool]
Miss Eva Ernst: [now calm] Everything you sell that day will have to be treated with my very latest and very greatest magic formula.
[Eva holds out a tiny purple vial, Formula 86]
Miss Eva Ernst: [points and shouts to enunciate at Henrietta] Witches work only with magic!
Miss Eva Ernst: Who spoke?
Miss Irvine: [points at Henrietta and laughs] She did!
Henrietta: It's brilliant!
Miss Eva Ernst: Poisoned? And you don't mind getting caught, exposed, vilified?
Henrietta: [nervously] Well, I just thought...
Miss Eva Ernst: Mindless bumpkin! You blithering bogvumper!
[Henrietta winces in fear]
Miss Eva Ernst: No wonder that England is swarming with...
[Eva takes a deep breath to keep her cool]
Miss Eva Ernst: [now calm] Everything you sell that day will have to be treated with my very latest and very greatest magic formula.
[Eva holds out a tiny purple vial, Formula 86]
Miss Eva Ernst: [points and shouts to enunciate at Henrietta] Witches work only with magic!
Marlene: [entering the room as they leave] Evening, madam. Just poppin' in to turn down your bed.
Miss Eva Ernst: How is the room service here?
Miss Irvine: Diabolical.
Miss Eva Ernst: Good.
Miss Irvine: How do you know that woman upstairs?
Miss Eva Ernst: Come along. Walk downstairs. The elevator is out of order.
[as they walk downstairs the elevator chimes]
Miss Eva Ernst: How is the room service here?
Miss Irvine: Diabolical.
Miss Eva Ernst: Good.
Miss Irvine: How do you know that woman upstairs?
Miss Eva Ernst: Come along. Walk downstairs. The elevator is out of order.
[as they walk downstairs the elevator chimes]
Helga: Real witches are very cruel, and they have a highly developed sense of smell. A real witch could smell you across the street on a pitch-black night.
Luke: She couldn't smell me. I've just had a shower.
Helga: Oh yes, she could. The cleaner you are, the more a witch can smell you.
Luke: That doesn't make sense.
Helga: Oh, yes it does. A dirty child, it is the dirt she smells. A clean child, it is the child.
Luke: Wow. I'll never have a shower again, and I'll have you for an excuse.
Helga: Well, just not often. Only once a month is probably safe.
Luke: So a witch could smell me right now?
Helga: To me you smell of raspberries and cream. But to a witch, you would smell absolutely disgusting.
Luke: What kind of disgusting?
Helga: Like... dog's droppings.
Luke: I don't believe it.
Helga: You don't believe it? What's more, to a witch you would smell of FRESH dog's droppings.
Luke: She couldn't smell me. I've just had a shower.
Helga: Oh yes, she could. The cleaner you are, the more a witch can smell you.
Luke: That doesn't make sense.
Helga: Oh, yes it does. A dirty child, it is the dirt she smells. A clean child, it is the child.
Luke: Wow. I'll never have a shower again, and I'll have you for an excuse.
Helga: Well, just not often. Only once a month is probably safe.
Luke: So a witch could smell me right now?
Helga: To me you smell of raspberries and cream. But to a witch, you would smell absolutely disgusting.
Luke: What kind of disgusting?
Helga: Like... dog's droppings.
Luke: I don't believe it.
Helga: You don't believe it? What's more, to a witch you would smell of FRESH dog's droppings.
Marlene: [to Mr. Stringer] I'll see you later then.
Mr. Stringer: [hesitates] We're short-staffed tonight. I might be a little late.
Marlene: [smiles] I can wait.
[Mr. Stringer goes to kiss her until he sees small brown fur on her neck making him leave in disgust]
Marlene: What is it?
[Marlene looks in the mirror and squeals in horror]
Mr. Stringer: [hesitates] We're short-staffed tonight. I might be a little late.
Marlene: [smiles] I can wait.
[Mr. Stringer goes to kiss her until he sees small brown fur on her neck making him leave in disgust]
Marlene: What is it?
[Marlene looks in the mirror and squeals in horror]
Miss Eva Ernst: What are you doing here?
Miss Irvine: The banquet, Miss Ernst.
Miss Eva Ernst: No, no, no, no! You must go to your room and prepare for...
Mr. Jenkins: Hello!
Miss Eva Ernst: ...tomorrow's flight. Yes.
[Waves to Mr. Jenkins]
Miss Eva Ernst: Have a good flight.
Miss Irvine: But it's our banquet!
Miss Eva Ernst: You are not here to enjoy yourself, you are here as my staff! Go to your room- *now*!
Miss Irvine: [long pause after Eva Ernst walks off] That's it! I quit!
Miss Irvine: The banquet, Miss Ernst.
Miss Eva Ernst: No, no, no, no! You must go to your room and prepare for...
Mr. Jenkins: Hello!
Miss Eva Ernst: ...tomorrow's flight. Yes.
[Waves to Mr. Jenkins]
Miss Eva Ernst: Have a good flight.
Miss Irvine: But it's our banquet!
Miss Eva Ernst: You are not here to enjoy yourself, you are here as my staff! Go to your room- *now*!
Miss Irvine: [long pause after Eva Ernst walks off] That's it! I quit!
Woman in Black: Hello, young man. What a magnificent tree-house. Did you build it yourself?
Luke: My dad and I did.
Woman in Black: [opening her purse] I've got something for you here. Something I think you'll like.
[Her eyes glow. Luke gasps]
Woman in Black: Jump down, and I'll show you.
Luke: No!
Woman in Black: What?
Luke: No, thank you very much.
Woman in Black: It's worth a lot of money...
Luke: This is private property.
Woman in Black: [pulling a snake out of her purse] There's nothing to be frightened of, I just wanted to give you this. I find him on my walks, he's quite harmless. See? Little boys love snakes. Here, he's yours.
Luke: [calling] Grandma!
Woman in Black: Look, I'll leave him here if you like, then you can come down on your own and get him. They wriggle away quite quickly... UNLESS you tell them not to.
[she whispers to the snake]
Luke: My dad and I did.
Woman in Black: [opening her purse] I've got something for you here. Something I think you'll like.
[Her eyes glow. Luke gasps]
Woman in Black: Jump down, and I'll show you.
Luke: No!
Woman in Black: What?
Luke: No, thank you very much.
Woman in Black: It's worth a lot of money...
Luke: This is private property.
Woman in Black: [pulling a snake out of her purse] There's nothing to be frightened of, I just wanted to give you this. I find him on my walks, he's quite harmless. See? Little boys love snakes. Here, he's yours.
Luke: [calling] Grandma!
Woman in Black: Look, I'll leave him here if you like, then you can come down on your own and get him. They wriggle away quite quickly... UNLESS you tell them not to.
[she whispers to the snake]
[first lines]
Helga: When your father was a boy like you, and living with me here in Norway, I told him about witches too, so that he would always be aware. Now, the most important thing you should know about real witches is this - now listen very carefully! Real witches dress in ordinary clothes, and look very much like ordinary women. They live in ordinary houses, and they work in ordinary jobs.
Helga: When your father was a boy like you, and living with me here in Norway, I told him about witches too, so that he would always be aware. Now, the most important thing you should know about real witches is this - now listen very carefully! Real witches dress in ordinary clothes, and look very much like ordinary women. They live in ordinary houses, and they work in ordinary jobs.
Miss Eva Ernst: [Eva Ernst had moved towards a painting. She taps the man in the picture and stares intently] Hmm.
Janice: You look wonderful, Miss Ernst.
Dora: We *are* looking forward to this afternoon!
Miss Eva Ernst: [in disinterest] Mmm.
[walks away, Irvine approaches the painting and prepares to reach for it]
Miss Eva Ernst: Irvine?
[Miss Irvine reluctantly follows her to the elevator, the man in the painting slowly disappears]
Janice: You look wonderful, Miss Ernst.
Dora: We *are* looking forward to this afternoon!
Miss Eva Ernst: [in disinterest] Mmm.
[walks away, Irvine approaches the painting and prepares to reach for it]
Miss Eva Ernst: Irvine?
[Miss Irvine reluctantly follows her to the elevator, the man in the painting slowly disappears]
Mr. Stringer: I'm sorry, madam, but I cannot permit mice in my hotel.
Helga: How dare you say that when your rotten hotel is full of rats anyway?
Mr. Stringer: Rats? There are no rats in this hotel!
Helga: I saw one this morning running along the corridor, into the kitchens.
Mr. Stringer: Madam, you only arrived in the hotel this afternoon.
Helga: [scoffs] Morning, afternoon, I saw a rat in your hotel, and if matters do not improve, I shall have to report you to the public health authorities.
Mr. Stringer: Look, madam, I'm not prepared...
Luke: The cakes in the lounge are nibbled around the edges, too. I can show you.
Helga: If you are not careful, the health people will order the whole hotel closed before everyone gets typhoid fever.
Mr. Stringer: You can't be serious, madam!
Helga: I have never been more serious in my life. Now - will you or will you not let my grandchild keep his hygienic and perfectly harmless pet mice?
Helga: How dare you say that when your rotten hotel is full of rats anyway?
Mr. Stringer: Rats? There are no rats in this hotel!
Helga: I saw one this morning running along the corridor, into the kitchens.
Mr. Stringer: Madam, you only arrived in the hotel this afternoon.
Helga: [scoffs] Morning, afternoon, I saw a rat in your hotel, and if matters do not improve, I shall have to report you to the public health authorities.
Mr. Stringer: Look, madam, I'm not prepared...
Luke: The cakes in the lounge are nibbled around the edges, too. I can show you.
Helga: If you are not careful, the health people will order the whole hotel closed before everyone gets typhoid fever.
Mr. Stringer: You can't be serious, madam!
Helga: I have never been more serious in my life. Now - will you or will you not let my grandchild keep his hygienic and perfectly harmless pet mice?
Grand High Witch: Witches of England... You are a disgrace! Miserable witches... You are good-for-nothing worms! Everywhere I look, I see the repulsive sight of hundreds, thousands of revolting little children... I ask you!
[points]
Grand High Witch: Why? One child a week is no good to me!
Woman in Black: [stands] We will do better! We will do much better!
Grand High Witch: Better is no good either! I demand maximum results!
[points]
Grand High Witch: Why? One child a week is no good to me!
Woman in Black: [stands] We will do better! We will do much better!
Grand High Witch: Better is no good either! I demand maximum results!
