The Whole Ten Yards Quotes
Jimmy the Tulip's (Willis) quiet new life is shaken up by his old pal Oz (Perry), whose wife (Henstridge) has been kidnapped by a Hungarian mob. The Tulip and his wife Jill (Peet) spring into action.
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: Call Mrs. Himelfarb, remind her to floss... cancel my appointments for the rest of my life and send in as much nitrous as you can, call the FBI.
Julie: What?
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: CALL THE FBI!
Julie: What's wrong?
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: [gets upset] What's wrong, what's wrong? I'll tell you what's wrong. Everything's wrong. Take a look around you. Nothing's right. Cynthia got kidnapped by a bunch of Hungarian killers. And instead of calling the FBI or police like every other rational man, I thought to myself: 'Hey, let's try to get in contact with somebody else that kills a lot of people.' So I went down to Mexico - which is heavily underdeveloped, by the way - and I asked him to help me out. Did he help me out? No, he didn't help me out, he didn't help me out. No, he didn't help me out! Know what he did do? He put on bunny slippers, shot at me and then cooked me some chicken.
[starts to calm down]
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: I'll be okay. I'm gonna calm down and go downstairs and I'm gonna take a nice, leisurely drive in my Porsche.
[gets upset again]
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: Wait a minute, I can't drive my Porsche because I don't have my Porsche any more. That's gone, that's history, that's archives! We left the Porsche so we could get onto a bus and rent some other car and you know why? Because I don't. Do you know why? Some kind of GPS, I don't know, system.
Julie: What's that smell?
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: I'll tell you what that smell is. It's me. I smell, and you know why? I've been wearing this suit for three days. I smell like ass. Or foot. Or some kind of foot that's been lodged up deep, deep, deep, inside an ass. I'll tell you the worst thing: I woke up naked next to another naked man who admittedly wets the bed. So if you talk to anybody or anybody calls here, you tell them I fell down a flight of stairs!
Julie: Yes, sir.
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: Don't 'yes sir' me! Call the FBI!
Julie: [goes towards the phone] Calling... I'm calling.
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: Dial F-B-I. Call the FBI and tell them I fell down a flight of stairs!
Julie: What?
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: CALL THE FBI!
Julie: What's wrong?
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: [gets upset] What's wrong, what's wrong? I'll tell you what's wrong. Everything's wrong. Take a look around you. Nothing's right. Cynthia got kidnapped by a bunch of Hungarian killers. And instead of calling the FBI or police like every other rational man, I thought to myself: 'Hey, let's try to get in contact with somebody else that kills a lot of people.' So I went down to Mexico - which is heavily underdeveloped, by the way - and I asked him to help me out. Did he help me out? No, he didn't help me out, he didn't help me out. No, he didn't help me out! Know what he did do? He put on bunny slippers, shot at me and then cooked me some chicken.
[starts to calm down]
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: I'll be okay. I'm gonna calm down and go downstairs and I'm gonna take a nice, leisurely drive in my Porsche.
[gets upset again]
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: Wait a minute, I can't drive my Porsche because I don't have my Porsche any more. That's gone, that's history, that's archives! We left the Porsche so we could get onto a bus and rent some other car and you know why? Because I don't. Do you know why? Some kind of GPS, I don't know, system.
Julie: What's that smell?
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: I'll tell you what that smell is. It's me. I smell, and you know why? I've been wearing this suit for three days. I smell like ass. Or foot. Or some kind of foot that's been lodged up deep, deep, deep, inside an ass. I'll tell you the worst thing: I woke up naked next to another naked man who admittedly wets the bed. So if you talk to anybody or anybody calls here, you tell them I fell down a flight of stairs!
Julie: Yes, sir.
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: Don't 'yes sir' me! Call the FBI!
Julie: [goes towards the phone] Calling... I'm calling.
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: Dial F-B-I. Call the FBI and tell them I fell down a flight of stairs!
Lazlo: You killed my Strabo.
Jimmy Tudeski: Actually, Strabo was already dead. He got shot when your hitter tried to shoot us.
Lazlo: [looks at Julie] Is this true?
Julie: Hey, Lazlo. Shit happens, all right?
Lazlo: Oh yeah. Watch this shit happen.
[shoots Julie with Jill's gun as she is holding it]
Jimmy Tudeski: Actually, Strabo was already dead. He got shot when your hitter tried to shoot us.
Lazlo: [looks at Julie] Is this true?
Julie: Hey, Lazlo. Shit happens, all right?
Lazlo: Oh yeah. Watch this shit happen.
[shoots Julie with Jill's gun as she is holding it]
Jimmy Tudeski: Oh no! Look it! Blanche!
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: Who's Blanche?
Jimmy Tudeski: Consuelo! Xerxes! Alert the others! There's been a tragedy!
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: Who's Blanche?
Jimmy Tudeski: This is Blanche. You killed her.
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: I'm sorry.
Jimmy Tudeski: Go home, Oz. Go home before something bad happens.
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: Something bad already has happened; Cynthia's been kidnapped!
Jimmy Tudeski: Blanche, put down in her prime...
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: He names his chickens! You name your chickens?
[Jimmy runs away crying]
Jimmy Tudeski: WAAAHHHH! Blanche! You're DEAD!
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: Who's Blanche?
Jimmy Tudeski: Consuelo! Xerxes! Alert the others! There's been a tragedy!
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: Who's Blanche?
Jimmy Tudeski: This is Blanche. You killed her.
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: I'm sorry.
Jimmy Tudeski: Go home, Oz. Go home before something bad happens.
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: Something bad already has happened; Cynthia's been kidnapped!
Jimmy Tudeski: Blanche, put down in her prime...
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: He names his chickens! You name your chickens?
[Jimmy runs away crying]
Jimmy Tudeski: WAAAHHHH! Blanche! You're DEAD!
[Julie, Oz's receptionist, jumps Jimmy and chloroforms him]
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: Who are you?
Julie: Jules. Jules Figueroa. Ring any bells?
[Oz realizes she is the sister of one of Jimmy's victims]
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: Frankie Figs?
Julie: [she nods] Yeah. Frankie Figs. He was my brother, and I'm pretty sure you knew him.
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: Okay, I'll take that chloroform now.
Julie: Yeah, I know you will!
[she gasses him]
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: Who are you?
Julie: Jules. Jules Figueroa. Ring any bells?
[Oz realizes she is the sister of one of Jimmy's victims]
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: Frankie Figs?
Julie: [she nods] Yeah. Frankie Figs. He was my brother, and I'm pretty sure you knew him.
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: Okay, I'll take that chloroform now.
Julie: Yeah, I know you will!
[she gasses him]
[Jimmy, Oz, and Cynthia, are Lazlo's prisoners; Jill, outside, has Lazlo's son hostage]
Lazlo: [shouting] Where's my son?
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: All right, that's it!
Cynthia: Oz...
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: No, I've had enough!
[suddenly tough]
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: If you ever want to see your son again, you'll let us go right now.
Lazlo: Is that right?
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: Yeah, that's right! And if we're not out of here by eleven o'clock, Jill's gonna put one in Strabo's forehead. Just like Jimmy put one in Janni's forehead. Oh... it wasn't pretty.
Lazlo: [enraged] Give me a gun.
Jimmy Tudeski: [impressed] Not bad, Oz.
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: Thanks.
Lazlo: [shouting] Where's my son?
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: All right, that's it!
Cynthia: Oz...
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: No, I've had enough!
[suddenly tough]
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: If you ever want to see your son again, you'll let us go right now.
Lazlo: Is that right?
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: Yeah, that's right! And if we're not out of here by eleven o'clock, Jill's gonna put one in Strabo's forehead. Just like Jimmy put one in Janni's forehead. Oh... it wasn't pretty.
Lazlo: [enraged] Give me a gun.
Jimmy Tudeski: [impressed] Not bad, Oz.
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: Thanks.
Lazlo: [in an attempt to kidnap Oz] Now you go in and you grab him. You go in and you grab him. Now what do you do?
Strabo: I go in and...
Lazlo: And grab him. Now what do you do?
Strabo: I go in and I grab him.
Lazlo: Piece of pie.
Strabo: No. It's cake.
Lazlo: What did I say?
Strabo: Pie.
Lazlo: And what did you say?
Strabo: Cake. No, pie.
Lazlo: Piece of pie.
Strabo: [gets out of car and looks back at Lazlo] It's cake.
[Lazlo back hand slaps him]
Strabo: I go in and...
Lazlo: And grab him. Now what do you do?
Strabo: I go in and I grab him.
Lazlo: Piece of pie.
Strabo: No. It's cake.
Lazlo: What did I say?
Strabo: Pie.
Lazlo: And what did you say?
Strabo: Cake. No, pie.
Lazlo: Piece of pie.
Strabo: [gets out of car and looks back at Lazlo] It's cake.
[Lazlo back hand slaps him]
Jimmy Tudeski: [catchs Oz and a topless Jill holding each other] What's all this?
[look to Oz]
Jimmy Tudeski: First my ex-wife, now my wife-wife.
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: No, no, no! She just hated her outfit.
Jimmy Tudeski: Come here.
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: [to Jill] I think he wants to talk to you for a minute.
Jimmy Tudeski: [points at Oz] No, you.
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: Oh.
[Jimmy grabs Oz and throws him against the wall]
[look to Oz]
Jimmy Tudeski: First my ex-wife, now my wife-wife.
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: No, no, no! She just hated her outfit.
Jimmy Tudeski: Come here.
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: [to Jill] I think he wants to talk to you for a minute.
Jimmy Tudeski: [points at Oz] No, you.
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: Oh.
[Jimmy grabs Oz and throws him against the wall]
Jill: [refering to Jimmy's crucifix] Where did he get, Oz?
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: I don't know.
[in a flash, Jill is holding the point of a knife to his Adam's Apple]
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: [very fast] It's Cynthia's; she got it from her grandmother when she was a child, and Cynthia gave it to Jimmy for good luck on hits.
Jimmy Tudeski: [grabs Oz by the throat] You say you're not a squealer! Huh?
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: I don't know.
[in a flash, Jill is holding the point of a knife to his Adam's Apple]
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: [very fast] It's Cynthia's; she got it from her grandmother when she was a child, and Cynthia gave it to Jimmy for good luck on hits.
Jimmy Tudeski: [grabs Oz by the throat] You say you're not a squealer! Huh?
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: I don't think God keeps an eye on your sperm. What kind of job is that for God? It'd take him all day. I'm gonna throw up.
Jimmy Tudeski: [later] Did you have a good relationship with your father?
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: Yeah, we were like pals.
Jimmy Tudeski: I wanna to kill my father. I want to take a icepick and stick it right in his eyeball.
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: Still gonna throw up.
Jimmy Tudeski: We had some great times though.
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: You and your father?
Jimmy Tudeski: No. Me and Cynthia.
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: [burps] That's almost vomit.
Jimmy Tudeski: [later] Did you have a good relationship with your father?
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: Yeah, we were like pals.
Jimmy Tudeski: I wanna to kill my father. I want to take a icepick and stick it right in his eyeball.
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: Still gonna throw up.
Jimmy Tudeski: We had some great times though.
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: You and your father?
Jimmy Tudeski: No. Me and Cynthia.
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: [burps] That's almost vomit.
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: Would it be okay for me to ask you at this juncture who you are and what you're doing in my house?
[Lazlo's people start laughing at him]
Lazlo: I am flabbergasted!
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: I'm sorry?
Lazlo: Chagrined! That you don't see the resemblance in the facial structure!
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: [to Lazlo's boys] And you guys basically understand all of this?
[Lazlo's people start laughing at him]
Lazlo: I am flabbergasted!
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: I'm sorry?
Lazlo: Chagrined! That you don't see the resemblance in the facial structure!
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: [to Lazlo's boys] And you guys basically understand all of this?
Cynthia: How the hell do you know where my husband is?
Lazlo: That was simple: LuJack.
Cynthia: Lujack?
Lazlo: In the Poosche.
Strabo: No, Papa. Its... uh... You say LoJack.
[looks at Cynthia]
Strabo: See? LoJack.
Lazlo: I didn't quite hear.
Strabo: Oh. LoJack.
[Lazlo slaps Strabo]
Lazlo: Don't correct me. Don't ever correct me. Do you like getting hit, is that it? You're a freak who enjoys pain?
Strabo: Of course not.
Lazlo: That was simple: LuJack.
Cynthia: Lujack?
Lazlo: In the Poosche.
Strabo: No, Papa. Its... uh... You say LoJack.
[looks at Cynthia]
Strabo: See? LoJack.
Lazlo: I didn't quite hear.
Strabo: Oh. LoJack.
[Lazlo slaps Strabo]
Lazlo: Don't correct me. Don't ever correct me. Do you like getting hit, is that it? You're a freak who enjoys pain?
Strabo: Of course not.
Lazlo: Do you remember... Janni Gogolak?
[Oz bolts to his feet, Strabo punches him and shoves him back down]
Lazlo: Do you, or don't you...?
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: What?
Lazlo: [shouts] Remember Janni?
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: Yes, I remember Janni!
Lazlo: Janni... was my son.
[Oz bolts to his feet again, Strabo punches him again and shoves him back down again]
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: Now, Mr. Gogolak, I know what you're thinking.
Lazlo: Yes, you do?
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: I think I do.
Lazlo: You're the Amazing Kreskin?
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: You're thinking that I killed your son! I did not kill your son! Jimmy Tudeski killed your son!
Lazlo: [picks an ornament off the mantle] You know, I collect these.
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: Really?
Lazlo: No.
[Oz bolts to his feet, Strabo punches him and shoves him back down]
Lazlo: Do you, or don't you...?
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: What?
Lazlo: [shouts] Remember Janni?
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: Yes, I remember Janni!
Lazlo: Janni... was my son.
[Oz bolts to his feet again, Strabo punches him again and shoves him back down again]
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: Now, Mr. Gogolak, I know what you're thinking.
Lazlo: Yes, you do?
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: I think I do.
Lazlo: You're the Amazing Kreskin?
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: You're thinking that I killed your son! I did not kill your son! Jimmy Tudeski killed your son!
Lazlo: [picks an ornament off the mantle] You know, I collect these.
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: Really?
Lazlo: No.
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: Who sent you?
Buttercup Scout: Buttercup Scouts of America.
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: Bullshit. What troop are you with?
Buttercup Scout: What?
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: You heard me. What's your den mother's name?
Buttercup Scout: Carol?
Cynthia: Jesus, Oz! What the hell are you doing? She's a Buttercup Scout.
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: I'm not buying this Buttercup Scout routine, and besides, I think there's something in her hands.
Cynthia: Cookies. Minty Thins. This is Ellen Wasserstrom's daughter. I told her mother I would buy cookies from her.
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: Oh.
[walks away]
Buttercup Scout: Putz.
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: I heard that.
Buttercup Scout: Jag-off.
Buttercup Scout: Buttercup Scouts of America.
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: Bullshit. What troop are you with?
Buttercup Scout: What?
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: You heard me. What's your den mother's name?
Buttercup Scout: Carol?
Cynthia: Jesus, Oz! What the hell are you doing? She's a Buttercup Scout.
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: I'm not buying this Buttercup Scout routine, and besides, I think there's something in her hands.
Cynthia: Cookies. Minty Thins. This is Ellen Wasserstrom's daughter. I told her mother I would buy cookies from her.
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: Oh.
[walks away]
Buttercup Scout: Putz.
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: I heard that.
Buttercup Scout: Jag-off.
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: Why don't you just consider adopting.
Jimmy Tudeski: Come on Oz, how many adoption agencies are gonna give a kid to a professional killer.
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: You may have a point there.
Jimmy Tudeski: Maybe i could just steal a kid. They're small. How hard can that be.
Jimmy Tudeski: Come on Oz, how many adoption agencies are gonna give a kid to a professional killer.
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: You may have a point there.
Jimmy Tudeski: Maybe i could just steal a kid. They're small. How hard can that be.
