The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Quotes

After Johnny Carson's retirement from the show, Jay Leno stepped in as his permanent replacement. The format of the show has remained largely unchanged, consisting primarily of an opening ... See full summary »

Jay Leno: [to Hugh Grant] What the hell were you thinking?
[about Supreme Court nominee Harriet Miers]
Jay Leno: She called Bush "the most brilliant man I ever met." This is a woman we're hiring for her *judgment*?
[about President Bush touring the South after Hurricane Katrina]
Jay Leno: He saw something below sea level. Yeah, his approval rating.
Jay Leno: [Re: Various things like a jewel-encrusted Mr. Potato Head] This is why poor countries hate us!
Jay Leno: It was so cold in California today, Scott Peterson has said he's actually looking forward to going to Hell.
Jay Leno: [repeatedly, his frequent signature post-punch line] Exactly!
[trying to fight off the "Ebonic Plague"]
Kevin Eubanks: Oh no! There be a hole in my suit!
[about the Kansas City Royals, who lost 17 games in row]
Jay Leno: It looks like President Bush wasn't the *only* one taking the entire month of August off.
[on guest Quentin Tarantino]
Jay Leno: He's the kind of guy you don't know is drunk until you see him sober.
[Jay Leno tells a joke about Bush "outsourcing" the presidency]
Jay Leno: That seemed kinda mean, didn't it? Who is writing all these Bush jokes? Ellen, put on the camera in the cue card room.
[switches camera to John Edwards writing monologue cue cards]
Jay Leno: Who's writing in there?
John Edwards: Hey Jay - you do your job, and let me do mine.
Jay Leno: [reading an Ad on "Headlines"] Men, do you have vaginal dryness?
Jay Leno: [doing "Headlines"] "Organism" can be a tricky word to spell...
[about all the Hollywood remakes of "King Kong"]
Jay Leno: I think it's just a case of monkey see, monkey do.
Dennis Miller: I like Dick Cheney, because he's perpetually pissed off.
[about embarrassing Presidential relatives]
Jay Leno: You know who the embarrassing brother in the Bush family is?
[Breaks out laughing]
Jay Leno: George!
Jay Leno: [during "Headlines", imitating in southern accent ] Well, looook, here's some suuure fine winder cleaner!
Jay Leno: It's so cold in Washington, DC, it took 15 minutes to jump-start Dick Cheney's heart.
[on trip to China, guest Liam Neeson spent about $15 on some very cheap watches for his kids]
Jay Leno: You cheap bastard.

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