The Santa Clause Quotes
When a man inadvertantly kills Santa on Christmas Eve, he finds himself magically recruited to take his place.
Dr. Neil Miller: [in a light-hearted psychiatry tone] Scott, what was the last thing you and Charlie did, before you went to bed Christmas Eve?
Scott Calvin: [sarcastically] We shared a bowl of sugar, did some shots of brown liqour, played with my shot guns, field-dressed a cat, looked for women...
[honestly]
Scott Calvin: I read him a book!
Dr. Neil Miller: What book?
Scott Calvin: [sarcastically] Uh, "Hollywood Wives."
[Laura puts her hand into her face, giving off a resentful gesture]
Scott Calvin: [honestly] "The Night Before Christmas", folks, come on!
Scott Calvin: [sarcastically] We shared a bowl of sugar, did some shots of brown liqour, played with my shot guns, field-dressed a cat, looked for women...
[honestly]
Scott Calvin: I read him a book!
Dr. Neil Miller: What book?
Scott Calvin: [sarcastically] Uh, "Hollywood Wives."
[Laura puts her hand into her face, giving off a resentful gesture]
Scott Calvin: [honestly] "The Night Before Christmas", folks, come on!
Sarah the Little Girl: Santa?
Scott Calvin: Scott Calvin.
Sarah the Little Girl: Howcome your clothes are so baggy?
Scott Calvin: Because Santa is... watching his saturated fats.
[gestures obesity]
Sarah the Little Girl: Howcome you don't have a beard?
Scott Calvin: Because I shaved!
[instantly reveals an unwrapped present for her, out of his bag]
Scott Calvin: You want this doll or not? Go back to sleep.
Scott Calvin: Scott Calvin.
Sarah the Little Girl: Howcome your clothes are so baggy?
Scott Calvin: Because Santa is... watching his saturated fats.
[gestures obesity]
Sarah the Little Girl: Howcome you don't have a beard?
Scott Calvin: Because I shaved!
[instantly reveals an unwrapped present for her, out of his bag]
Scott Calvin: You want this doll or not? Go back to sleep.
Dr. Pete Novos: I don't know, Scott. You're as healthy as a horse.
Scott Calvin: Yeah! Clydesdale!
Dr. Pete Novos: So what? You put on a little weight.
Scott Calvin: Weight? Does this look like a little weight to you?
Dr. Pete Novos: Weight can fluctuate from year to year.
Dr. Pete Novos: Fluctuate? You make it sound like I'm retaining water. I've gained 45 pounds in a week. Pete, what's happening to me?
Dr. Pete Novos: Well, what's your diet like?
Scott Calvin: Milk and cookies.
Dr. Pete Novos: Really?
Scott Calvin: But I don't finish all the milk.
Dr. Pete Novos: Well then there is your problem. Just try to cut back on the sweets, okay?
Scott Calvin: Yeah! Clydesdale!
Dr. Pete Novos: So what? You put on a little weight.
Scott Calvin: Weight? Does this look like a little weight to you?
Dr. Pete Novos: Weight can fluctuate from year to year.
Dr. Pete Novos: Fluctuate? You make it sound like I'm retaining water. I've gained 45 pounds in a week. Pete, what's happening to me?
Dr. Pete Novos: Well, what's your diet like?
Scott Calvin: Milk and cookies.
Dr. Pete Novos: Really?
Scott Calvin: But I don't finish all the milk.
Dr. Pete Novos: Well then there is your problem. Just try to cut back on the sweets, okay?
Scott Calvin: [yelling out to his ex-wife in her car driving away from his house] It was a dream! Stuff like that doesn't happen! It was a dream! Come on! I don't even wear pajamas! Normally I sleep naked! BUCK naked! Ha!
[suddenly embarrassed, to a woman walking down his sidewalk]
Scott Calvin: Good morning, Mrs. McCoy, Mary Katherine.
Mrs. McCoy: Eyes front, Mary Katherine.
Scott Calvin: Sometimes, boxer shorts. You know.
[suddenly embarrassed, to a woman walking down his sidewalk]
Scott Calvin: Good morning, Mrs. McCoy, Mary Katherine.
Mrs. McCoy: Eyes front, Mary Katherine.
Scott Calvin: Sometimes, boxer shorts. You know.
Det. Nunzio: [after Scott got arrested] Look, I know you're Scott Calvin. You know you're Scott Calvin. So let's make this simple: I say 'name', you say 'Scott Calvin'.
[gestures Scott to come close]
Det. Nunzio: Name?
Scott Calvin: Kris Kringle.
Det. Nunzio: Name?
Scott Calvin: Sinterklaas.
Det. Nunzio: [annoyed] Name!
Scott Calvin: Pere Noel. Babbo Natale. Pelznickel.
[imitates Ed Sullivan]
Scott Calvin: Topo Gigio!
Det. Nunzio: Okay, Calvin, maybe a couple of hours in the tank will change your mind.
[gestures Scott to come close]
Det. Nunzio: Name?
Scott Calvin: Kris Kringle.
Det. Nunzio: Name?
Scott Calvin: Sinterklaas.
Det. Nunzio: [annoyed] Name!
Scott Calvin: Pere Noel. Babbo Natale. Pelznickel.
[imitates Ed Sullivan]
Scott Calvin: Topo Gigio!
Det. Nunzio: Okay, Calvin, maybe a couple of hours in the tank will change your mind.
Sarah the Little Girl: You're fatter this year.
Santa: Thank you. You've grown too. Now go back to sleep.
[Drinks the milk and gags a little]
Sarah the Little Girl: What's wrong?
Santa: I think the milk's a little sour.
Sarah the Little Girl: It's soy milk.
Santa: Huh?
Sarah the Little Girl: You said you were lactose intollerant.
Santa: Thank you. You've grown too. Now go back to sleep.
[Drinks the milk and gags a little]
Sarah the Little Girl: What's wrong?
Santa: I think the milk's a little sour.
Sarah the Little Girl: It's soy milk.
Santa: Huh?
Sarah the Little Girl: You said you were lactose intollerant.
Bernard: The Santa Clause: In putting on the suit and entering the sleigh, the wearer waives any and all right to any previous identity, real or implied, and fully accepts the duties and responsibilities of Santa Claus, in perpetuity to which some time the wearer becomes unable to do so, by either accident or design.
Scott Calvin: What does that mean?
Bernard: It means: If you put on the suit, you're the big guy.
Scott Calvin: This is ridiculous! I didn't just put on the suit to -...
Bernard: Try to understand this!
Scott Calvin: What does that mean?
Bernard: It means: If you put on the suit, you're the big guy.
Scott Calvin: This is ridiculous! I didn't just put on the suit to -...
Bernard: Try to understand this!
[assuming that he's Santa, sees Scott take celery off of a plate left out for him, but neglect the milk right by it]
Sarah the Little Girl: You're supposed to drink the milk.
Scott Calvin: Look, I am lactose intolerant! And I'm just about this close to taking all those presents back up the chimney.
[bites on his celery stick, and under his breath, mocks Sarah]
Scott Calvin: You're supposed to drink the milk!
[she opens her eyes after hearing what he said]
Scott Calvin: Shut your eyes!
[she does]
Sarah the Little Girl: You're supposed to drink the milk.
Scott Calvin: Look, I am lactose intolerant! And I'm just about this close to taking all those presents back up the chimney.
[bites on his celery stick, and under his breath, mocks Sarah]
Scott Calvin: You're supposed to drink the milk!
[she opens her eyes after hearing what he said]
Scott Calvin: Shut your eyes!
[she does]
Bernard: The Santa Clause: In putting on this suit and entering the sleigh, the wearer waives any and all rights to any previous identity, real or implied, and fully accepts the duties and responsibilities of Santa Claus, in perpetuity until such time that the wearer becomes unable to do so, by either accident or design.
Scott Calvin: Did I miss anything?
Business Guy Across from Him: No, we were, uh, just about to order lunch.
Scott Calvin: Great! I'm starving.
Susan Perry: I'll have a salad and iced tea, and dressing on the side.
Mr. Whittle: Ah, paste and tomatoes, uh, and very light on the oil. Can you do that?
Scott Calvin: And I'll have a Caesar. No dressing. And one of those homemade cookies, the warm chocolate chip. No nuts. And a little slice of cheesecake. Uh, crème brulee, and, um, hot fudge sundae, extra hot fudge.
[licks his lips in addiction to tons of sweets, and looks at some people looking weirdly at him]
Scott Calvin: [taking where he left off] On the side.
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Scott Calvin: [sighs] Ice-cold milk.
Susan Perry: [wondering if he was really honest with them about his suddenly big belly] Stung by a bee, Scott?
Scott Calvin: A big bee.
Business Guy Across from Him: No, we were, uh, just about to order lunch.
Scott Calvin: Great! I'm starving.
Susan Perry: I'll have a salad and iced tea, and dressing on the side.
Mr. Whittle: Ah, paste and tomatoes, uh, and very light on the oil. Can you do that?
Scott Calvin: And I'll have a Caesar. No dressing. And one of those homemade cookies, the warm chocolate chip. No nuts. And a little slice of cheesecake. Uh, crème brulee, and, um, hot fudge sundae, extra hot fudge.
[licks his lips in addiction to tons of sweets, and looks at some people looking weirdly at him]
Scott Calvin: [taking where he left off] On the side.
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Scott Calvin: [sighs] Ice-cold milk.
Susan Perry: [wondering if he was really honest with them about his suddenly big belly] Stung by a bee, Scott?
Scott Calvin: A big bee.
Scott Calvin: Why not? What if don't buy any of this Santa Clause thing? What if I choose not to believe it?
[a dead silence falls upon the workshop]
Bernard: Then there would be millions of disappointed children around the world. You see, children hold the spirit of Christmas within their hearts. You don't wanna be responsible for killing the spirit of Christmas, now would you... Santa?
[a dead silence falls upon the workshop]
Bernard: Then there would be millions of disappointed children around the world. You see, children hold the spirit of Christmas within their hearts. You don't wanna be responsible for killing the spirit of Christmas, now would you... Santa?
Scott Calvin: [on the phone with his ex-wife while driving on an empty road, making up an excuse for his tardiness to meeting her and their son] I ran real late today. You wouldn't BELIEVE the traffic out here.
[honks his horn, and pretends to yell out to the street]
Scott Calvin: Hey, same to you! And that's not very ladylike!
[back to his wife]
Scott Calvin: Oh, there's a problem right there: three car pile-up. I'm really gonna be late.
[honks his horn, and pretends to yell out to the street]
Scott Calvin: Hey, same to you! And that's not very ladylike!
[back to his wife]
Scott Calvin: Oh, there's a problem right there: three car pile-up. I'm really gonna be late.
Charlie: Neil's a really good cook.
Scott Calvin: Yeah, and you should see him walk on water.
Charlie: You don't like him very much, do you, Dad?
Scott Calvin: Charlie, I'm sorry, I was just kidding around around. Sure I like him. But there's just something about him that makes me want to -...
Charlie: Lash out irrationally?
Scott Calvin: Now, where did you hear that?
Charlie: From Neil. I learn a lot from him. He listens to me.
Scott Calvin: Yeah! And he charges you for it.
Scott Calvin: Yeah, and you should see him walk on water.
Charlie: You don't like him very much, do you, Dad?
Scott Calvin: Charlie, I'm sorry, I was just kidding around around. Sure I like him. But there's just something about him that makes me want to -...
Charlie: Lash out irrationally?
Scott Calvin: Now, where did you hear that?
Charlie: From Neil. I learn a lot from him. He listens to me.
Scott Calvin: Yeah! And he charges you for it.
Scott Calvin: Look, I am not Santa Claus! Ahhh!
Bernard: Did you or did you not read the card?
Scott Calvin: Yeah, I read the card.
Bernard: Then you're the new Santa. And putting on their hat and jacket, you accepted the contract
Scott Calvin: What contract?
Bernard: The card in the Santa suit, you said you read it, right? So when you put on the suit, you fell subject for the Santa Clause.
Scott Calvin: The Santa Claus? Oh, you mean the guys that fell off my roof?
Bernard: No, no, not Santa Claus, the person. Santa Clause the clause.
Scott Calvin: What?
Bernard: You're a businessman right? Okay, a clause as in the last line of the contract.
Bernard: [Scott looks confused] You got the card? Okay look.
[Reads what the I.D. card says]
Scott Calvin: What does that mean?
Bernard: It means you put on the suit, you're the big guy.
Scott Calvin: That ridiculous, I didn't put on a suit to...
Bernard: [shouts] *Try to understand this!*
Bernard: Did you or did you not read the card?
Scott Calvin: Yeah, I read the card.
Bernard: Then you're the new Santa. And putting on their hat and jacket, you accepted the contract
Scott Calvin: What contract?
Bernard: The card in the Santa suit, you said you read it, right? So when you put on the suit, you fell subject for the Santa Clause.
Scott Calvin: The Santa Claus? Oh, you mean the guys that fell off my roof?
Bernard: No, no, not Santa Claus, the person. Santa Clause the clause.
Scott Calvin: What?
Bernard: You're a businessman right? Okay, a clause as in the last line of the contract.
Bernard: [Scott looks confused] You got the card? Okay look.
[Reads what the I.D. card says]
Scott Calvin: What does that mean?
Bernard: It means you put on the suit, you're the big guy.
Scott Calvin: That ridiculous, I didn't put on a suit to...
Bernard: [shouts] *Try to understand this!*
Scott Calvin: Whoa! This could be a really long night.
Charlie: Do it again Dad, please?
Scott Calvin: [picks up the bag] I can't the things empty
Scott Calvin: [Comet the reindeer gets angry and growls] There nothing in the bag. Even if there was, did you notice there is no chimney? Where there's no chimney, there's no fireplace.
Scott Calvin: [Comet growls] Are you growling at me?
Scott Calvin: [Comet nods his head] Look, comet, like I said there is nothing left...
Charlie: Do it again Dad, please?
Scott Calvin: [picks up the bag] I can't the things empty
Scott Calvin: [Comet the reindeer gets angry and growls] There nothing in the bag. Even if there was, did you notice there is no chimney? Where there's no chimney, there's no fireplace.
Scott Calvin: [Comet growls] Are you growling at me?
Scott Calvin: [Comet nods his head] Look, comet, like I said there is nothing left...
Bernard: What's all this boo-hooin' going on here?
[to Neil, who suddenly backs away from him]
Bernard: Hey, how are you doing?
Scott: Nothing, Bernard. I'm just saying good-bye to Charlie.
Bernard: What good-bye? Charlie, you've still got the glass ball I gave you, right?
Charlie: Yeah.
Bernard: Well, all you've got to do is shake it, whenever you want to see your dad. He can come back to visit you anytime, day or night.
Charlie: [his face lights up] Really?
Bernard: Hey, have I ever steered you wrong?
[to Neil, who suddenly backs away from him]
Bernard: Hey, how are you doing?
Scott: Nothing, Bernard. I'm just saying good-bye to Charlie.
Bernard: What good-bye? Charlie, you've still got the glass ball I gave you, right?
Charlie: Yeah.
Bernard: Well, all you've got to do is shake it, whenever you want to see your dad. He can come back to visit you anytime, day or night.
Charlie: [his face lights up] Really?
Bernard: Hey, have I ever steered you wrong?
