The Paper Quotes
Henry Hackett is the editor of a New York City tabloid. He is a workaholic who loves his job, but the long hours and low pay are leading to discontent. Also, publisher Bernie White faces ... See full summary »
Bernie: In '68, a bunch of us went to cover the Olympics in Grenoble. Decided to go to the best restaurant in town. Now, the menu didn't have any prices, but we were all on expense accounts so we figured, fuck it, got drunk. Well, somehow there ended up being, I don't know, fifteen or sixteen of us at the table, and when the check came - ooooo, it was nine thousand dollars.
Alicia: Whoa.
Bernie: Yeah.
[chuckles]
Bernie: So, now we're all starting to point fingers, we're trying to figure out who invited who. And just when it was starting to get really embarrassing, this funny-lookin' old guy at the next table calls the maitre-d over.
[mimics writing]
Bernie: Ehhhh, he did a couple of squiggly lines on a napkin, signed his name, winked at us - that was it. The old guy was Pablo Picasso, and that napkin paid our bill.
Alicia: Did I miss the segue here, Bernie? What's the point?
Bernie: Well, the people we cover - we move in their world but it is their world. You can't live like them, Alicia. You'll never keep up. Now, if you try and make this job about the money, you'll be nothing but miserable, 'cause we don't get the money - never have, never will."
Alicia: Whoa.
Bernie: Yeah.
[chuckles]
Bernie: So, now we're all starting to point fingers, we're trying to figure out who invited who. And just when it was starting to get really embarrassing, this funny-lookin' old guy at the next table calls the maitre-d over.
[mimics writing]
Bernie: Ehhhh, he did a couple of squiggly lines on a napkin, signed his name, winked at us - that was it. The old guy was Pablo Picasso, and that napkin paid our bill.
Alicia: Did I miss the segue here, Bernie? What's the point?
Bernie: Well, the people we cover - we move in their world but it is their world. You can't live like them, Alicia. You'll never keep up. Now, if you try and make this job about the money, you'll be nothing but miserable, 'cause we don't get the money - never have, never will."
Henry: What's the matter with Phil? It looks like he sat on something sharp.
Janet, Henry's Secretary: Well, you told him he could have Richard's old desk, right?
Henry: Right.
Janet, Henry's Secretary: And now you promised it to Carmen. Are you completely psychotic?
Henry: I have episodes. Nothing serious.
Janet, Henry's Secretary: Phil is still pissed you wouldn't approve his $600 orthopaedic chair. And now with this desk thing, he's convinced it's a conspiracy to prevent him from sitting down.
Janet, Henry's Secretary: Well, you told him he could have Richard's old desk, right?
Henry: Right.
Janet, Henry's Secretary: And now you promised it to Carmen. Are you completely psychotic?
Henry: I have episodes. Nothing serious.
Janet, Henry's Secretary: Phil is still pissed you wouldn't approve his $600 orthopaedic chair. And now with this desk thing, he's convinced it's a conspiracy to prevent him from sitting down.
Henry: I realize this doesn't exactly get us off on the right foot.
Paul Bladden, New York Sentinel: The right foot, are you out of your mind? The offer is rescinded. How stupid do you think we are? What do you think I get when I put two and two together? Three? Three and a half?
Henry: Look, I'm trying to be reasonable here, and just let me...
Paul Bladden, New York Sentinel: Why don't you just take my wallet as well?
Henry: Let me talk. Let me say something, wait a m...
Paul Bladden, New York Sentinel: Well, I hope you're satisfied, asshole! You just blew your chance to cover the world!
Henry: Really? Well guess fucking what? I don't really fucking care. You wanna know fucking why? Because I don't fucking live in the fucking world! I live in fucking New York City! So go fuck yourself!
[Henry slams down telephone back on the receiver]
Janet, Henry's Secretary: You handled that well.
Henry: Thank you.
Paul Bladden, New York Sentinel: The right foot, are you out of your mind? The offer is rescinded. How stupid do you think we are? What do you think I get when I put two and two together? Three? Three and a half?
Henry: Look, I'm trying to be reasonable here, and just let me...
Paul Bladden, New York Sentinel: Why don't you just take my wallet as well?
Henry: Let me talk. Let me say something, wait a m...
Paul Bladden, New York Sentinel: Well, I hope you're satisfied, asshole! You just blew your chance to cover the world!
Henry: Really? Well guess fucking what? I don't really fucking care. You wanna know fucking why? Because I don't fucking live in the fucking world! I live in fucking New York City! So go fuck yourself!
[Henry slams down telephone back on the receiver]
Janet, Henry's Secretary: You handled that well.
Henry: Thank you.
Henry: I'm stopping it.
Michael McDougal: What?
Henry: We stop and replate. Go upstairs and write up what you've got. Tell Lou to send down "They Didn't Do It".
Michael McDougal: Hey Henry, are you going to say it? You gotta say it.
Henry: Use the same art they used for "Gotcha!".
Michael McDougal: Come on, how often do you get the chance? You can't just do it and not say it, come on!
Henry: I - Stop the presses!
Michael McDougal: What?
Henry: We stop and replate. Go upstairs and write up what you've got. Tell Lou to send down "They Didn't Do It".
Michael McDougal: Hey Henry, are you going to say it? You gotta say it.
Henry: Use the same art they used for "Gotcha!".
Michael McDougal: Come on, how often do you get the chance? You can't just do it and not say it, come on!
Henry: I - Stop the presses!
Alicia: We're not exactly the Washington Post, okay?
Michael McDougal: No, we're not. We run stupid headlines because we think they're funny. We run maimings on the front page because we got good art. And I spend three weeks bitching about my car because it sells papers. But at least it's the truth. As far as I can remeber we never ever, ever knowingly got a story wrong, until tonight.
Michael McDougal: No, we're not. We run stupid headlines because we think they're funny. We run maimings on the front page because we got good art. And I spend three weeks bitching about my car because it sells papers. But at least it's the truth. As far as I can remeber we never ever, ever knowingly got a story wrong, until tonight.
Alicia: Oh please, Henry. You don't care whether they get beaten up or not, that's not what this is all about. We got our ass kicked yesterday, so you want to beat everyone else today, that's all.
Henry: Yeah I do. You don't? You don't?
Alicia: C'mon, give me a break.
Henry: Tell me you don't. You do. Fuck it! Let's not beat anybody today, let's not beat anybody all week. Bernie, what do you say? Let's not beat anybody til October, the whole year? Fuck it, Let's never beat anybody to the rest of our lives.
Henry: Yeah I do. You don't? You don't?
Alicia: C'mon, give me a break.
Henry: Tell me you don't. You do. Fuck it! Let's not beat anybody today, let's not beat anybody all week. Bernie, what do you say? Let's not beat anybody til October, the whole year? Fuck it, Let's never beat anybody to the rest of our lives.
Bernie: Features.
Carl: We got Alison's profile of the teenage hit man. We got Grace finally done with that Hollywood who's-banging-who chart and part three in our continuing saga on penile implants.
Henry: Yeah, by the way, could we possibly get another dick drawing? It looks like a map of Florida. I also look like, I think, the 5th at Shinnecock Country Club, doesn't it? I would play over the water, by the way, as a suggestion.
Carl: We got Alison's profile of the teenage hit man. We got Grace finally done with that Hollywood who's-banging-who chart and part three in our continuing saga on penile implants.
Henry: Yeah, by the way, could we possibly get another dick drawing? It looks like a map of Florida. I also look like, I think, the 5th at Shinnecock Country Club, doesn't it? I would play over the water, by the way, as a suggestion.
Bernie: I gotta know if she hates me. If she hates me, there's no point.
Marion Sandusky, New York Parking Commissioner: Hates you? She's your daughter. What could you do that she would hate you?
Bernie: I kept fucking my reporters and... broke her mother's heart.
Marion Sandusky, New York Parking Commissioner: That would do it.
Bernie: Yeah, it would. It did.
Marion Sandusky, New York Parking Commissioner: Hates you? She's your daughter. What could you do that she would hate you?
Bernie: I kept fucking my reporters and... broke her mother's heart.
Marion Sandusky, New York Parking Commissioner: That would do it.
Bernie: Yeah, it would. It did.
Alicia: There's something I'd like to discuss. I didn't want to bother you upstairs. I feel an obligation to... act on this directly with you because I think we have a good - I think we have a good relationship... and I'd like to take it further. And I think the way to do that is face to face. You know, you and I, face to face.
Graham Keighley: Alicia.
Alicia: Yeah?
Graham Keighley: I'm gay.
Alicia: Oh, umm... well, I mean, I wasn't - I mean, that's fine.
Graham Keighley: Alicia?
Alicia: Yeah?
Graham Keighley: I'm kidding.
Graham Keighley: Alicia.
Alicia: Yeah?
Graham Keighley: I'm gay.
Alicia: Oh, umm... well, I mean, I wasn't - I mean, that's fine.
Graham Keighley: Alicia?
Alicia: Yeah?
Graham Keighley: I'm kidding.
Henry: What if these aren't the guys? What if they're innocent?
Alicia: Taint them today, we make them look good on Saturday. Everybody's happy.
Henry: Wait. This is a story that could permanently alter the public's perception of two teenagers who might be innocent and as a weekend bonus, ignite another race war. How about that? Think about this.
Alicia: Taint them today, we make them look good on Saturday. Everybody's happy.
Henry: Wait. This is a story that could permanently alter the public's perception of two teenagers who might be innocent and as a weekend bonus, ignite another race war. How about that? Think about this.
Bernie's Doctor: Now don't overreact. If we go after it early, before it metastasizes to a bone, the majority of these prostate cancer cases are beatable.
Bernie: Go after it how?
Bernie's Doctor: Irridation therapy.
Bernie: That's fantastic. That's wonderful, because... as it turns out, that's exactly the portion of my anatomy I'd like to see exposed to radiation.
Bernie's Doctor: You'll have to take an hour or two off work for each treatment. We should start right away. How's next monday?
Bernie: To burn a hole in my ass? Sounds good. Then I still have the weekend.
[pause]
Bernie: Could you possibly be any more humourless about this?
Bernie's Doctor: I don't believe so. No.
Bernie: Go after it how?
Bernie's Doctor: Irridation therapy.
Bernie: That's fantastic. That's wonderful, because... as it turns out, that's exactly the portion of my anatomy I'd like to see exposed to radiation.
Bernie's Doctor: You'll have to take an hour or two off work for each treatment. We should start right away. How's next monday?
Bernie: To burn a hole in my ass? Sounds good. Then I still have the weekend.
[pause]
Bernie: Could you possibly be any more humourless about this?
Bernie's Doctor: I don't believe so. No.
Henry: I don't think so, I don't think so. You know, TV's gonna be all over it. They already are. It's a minor derailment. And Carmen has got great day two stuff on the Williamsburg murders. If they make a bust, we have to follow up on that.
Alicia: The subway's a major story.
Anna: Nobody died.
Lou: Somebody got maimed.
Alicia: Yeah, that helps.
Henry: [mocking] Minor derailment!
Alicia: The subway's a major story.
Anna: Nobody died.
Lou: Somebody got maimed.
Alicia: Yeah, that helps.
Henry: [mocking] Minor derailment!
Bernie: I hate columnists! Why do I have all these columnists? I got political columnists, guest columnists... celebrity columnists - The only thing I don't have is a dead columnist. That's the kind I could really use.
Henry: Right. Listen...
Bernie: We reek of opinions. What every columnist at this paper needs to do is to shut the fuck up.
Henry: Right. Listen...
Bernie: We reek of opinions. What every columnist at this paper needs to do is to shut the fuck up.
Henry: For God's sakes, Alicia. We're not gonna ask some news reporter to wait until after 5:00 to make out-of-state phone calls. It's ridiculous. I'm not gonna do it.
Alicia: Okay, let's let them make free phone sex calls too.
Henry: You mean as a kind of bonus? That's not a bad idea. Why don't you start with Phil?
Alicia: Okay, let's let them make free phone sex calls too.
Henry: You mean as a kind of bonus? That's not a bad idea. Why don't you start with Phil?
Henry: What do you think I'm trying to do?. Look, I got news for you. I'm not locked up in the men's room with a cop because it's a good time. Frankly, I've had better times, okay? I'm here because I think the story is wrong. Is it? Is it? If you have something, give it to me now, but don't stand there and act coy and say "Fuck you", because, quite frankly, it's a waste of all of our time. And you know what? I don't have any more time. I have no more fucking time. I need it fucking today, I need it right now!
