The Nutty Professor Quotes
Grossly overweight Prof. Sherman Klump, desperate to lose weight takes a special chemical that turns him into the slim but obnoxious Buddy Love.
Mama Klump: Sherman, I think I do remember hearing something on TV about colon cleansin'. They say everyone should have one. I'm thinkin' about gettin' me an appointment and go down and get my colon cleansed thoroughly.
Papa Klump: You want your colon cleansed? Fine, I'm gonna clean mine.
[lets a loud fart, and Ernie Jr. starts laughing harder and harder]
Papa Klump: There. Now my colon is clean. I'm talking squeaky clean.
Mama Klump: Every time we have a meal, you start breaking gas. Don't break gas and destroy our meal.
Papa Klump: Don't tell me to stop! You're the one that brought up colon cleansin' and all that mess!
Mama Klump: I did not say anything about breakin' gas! I said I was going to get my colon cleaned.
Papa Klump: Don't you talk about puttin' a tube up somebody's ass, but I can't break wind.
Mama Klump: I didn't say nothin' about puttin' no hose up nobody's ass. Clesius, I said -...
Papa Klump: What you think a colonic is? You think you're gonna run your asshole by the car wash?
[Ernie Jr. starts choking from eating and out of control laughter]
Mama Klump: You're chokin' the baby.
Papa Klump: As Iong as I pay the bills, I do what I want at this table. Case in point.
[lets another loud fart]
Grandma Klump: Who will call my name?
Papa Klump: Yeah, I'll call you up if your name is -...
[farts in finishing his sentence, then laughs in mockery]
Grandma Klump: Keep insulting me.
[picks up a knife]
Grandma Klump: I'll toss this between the crack of your ass.
Papa Klump: You know, I can go all night.
[lets another loud fart]
Mama Klump: I hope you fart until your asshole falls out.
[Clesius lets another fart, and then Ernie Jr. manages to follow along]
Mama Klump: Oh, my baby too!
[Clesius lets another loud fart that this time sounds wet]
Papa Klump: Oops! Now see what you made me do?
[starts running away clutching his pants]
Papa Klump: Goddamn it, I messed up my pants!
Papa Klump: You want your colon cleansed? Fine, I'm gonna clean mine.
[lets a loud fart, and Ernie Jr. starts laughing harder and harder]
Papa Klump: There. Now my colon is clean. I'm talking squeaky clean.
Mama Klump: Every time we have a meal, you start breaking gas. Don't break gas and destroy our meal.
Papa Klump: Don't tell me to stop! You're the one that brought up colon cleansin' and all that mess!
Mama Klump: I did not say anything about breakin' gas! I said I was going to get my colon cleaned.
Papa Klump: Don't you talk about puttin' a tube up somebody's ass, but I can't break wind.
Mama Klump: I didn't say nothin' about puttin' no hose up nobody's ass. Clesius, I said -...
Papa Klump: What you think a colonic is? You think you're gonna run your asshole by the car wash?
[Ernie Jr. starts choking from eating and out of control laughter]
Mama Klump: You're chokin' the baby.
Papa Klump: As Iong as I pay the bills, I do what I want at this table. Case in point.
[lets another loud fart]
Grandma Klump: Who will call my name?
Papa Klump: Yeah, I'll call you up if your name is -...
[farts in finishing his sentence, then laughs in mockery]
Grandma Klump: Keep insulting me.
[picks up a knife]
Grandma Klump: I'll toss this between the crack of your ass.
Papa Klump: You know, I can go all night.
[lets another loud fart]
Mama Klump: I hope you fart until your asshole falls out.
[Clesius lets another fart, and then Ernie Jr. manages to follow along]
Mama Klump: Oh, my baby too!
[Clesius lets another loud fart that this time sounds wet]
Papa Klump: Oops! Now see what you made me do?
[starts running away clutching his pants]
Papa Klump: Goddamn it, I messed up my pants!
Sherman Klump: I assure you, I will not let you down.
Dean Richmond: You won't. I know you won't. As a matter of fact, I know you're going to be perfect! Do you know how I know all these things? I know them because if you're *not* perfect, nevermind the yelling, the screaming and the firing. If anything goes wrong, for any reason
[pause]
Dean Richmond: I'm going to kill you. And I don't mean that as a euphemism, I am going to literally kill you. I'm going to strangle you and choke off your air supply until you pass away.
Dean Richmond: You won't. I know you won't. As a matter of fact, I know you're going to be perfect! Do you know how I know all these things? I know them because if you're *not* perfect, nevermind the yelling, the screaming and the firing. If anything goes wrong, for any reason
[pause]
Dean Richmond: I'm going to kill you. And I don't mean that as a euphemism, I am going to literally kill you. I'm going to strangle you and choke off your air supply until you pass away.
Buddy Love: [to Reggie] Ok, fat jokes! You wanna do fat jokes?
[Buddy stands up]
Buddy Love: Alright!
[Buddy claps his hands once]
Buddy Love: Your mother's so fat, the bitch needs Thomas Guide to find her asshole!
[everyone in the room, except Reggie, roars with laughter]
Buddy Love: Alright! Wait, wait, wait, your mother's so fat, after sex I roll over twice, and I'm still on the bitch!
[everyone, except Reggie, laughs louder]
Buddy Love: [to Reggie] Your mother is so fat, she fell in the Grand Canyon and got stuck!
[everyone, except Reggie, laughs even louder]
Buddy Love: Reggie's mother's so fat, that the bitch gets her toenails painted at Earl Scheib!
[everyone in the room, except Reggie, loudly roars with laughter. Buddy climbs onto the stage]
Buddy Love: [walking past Reggie] Earl Scheib! At Earl Scheib!
[laughs]
[Buddy stands up]
Buddy Love: Alright!
[Buddy claps his hands once]
Buddy Love: Your mother's so fat, the bitch needs Thomas Guide to find her asshole!
[everyone in the room, except Reggie, roars with laughter]
Buddy Love: Alright! Wait, wait, wait, your mother's so fat, after sex I roll over twice, and I'm still on the bitch!
[everyone, except Reggie, laughs louder]
Buddy Love: [to Reggie] Your mother is so fat, she fell in the Grand Canyon and got stuck!
[everyone, except Reggie, laughs even louder]
Buddy Love: Reggie's mother's so fat, that the bitch gets her toenails painted at Earl Scheib!
[everyone in the room, except Reggie, loudly roars with laughter. Buddy climbs onto the stage]
Buddy Love: [walking past Reggie] Earl Scheib! At Earl Scheib!
[laughs]
Purple Pit Bartender: What'll it be?
Buddy Love: Aww... That's no way to talk. Tsk, tsk, tsk. "What'll it be?" That's no way to treat a customer. C'mere. Try it like this. Pay attention. You'll feel better and the customers'll be happier. Try this: "What'll it be? Hmmm?" Try that. Come on. We haven't got all night. Try it.
Purple Pit Bartender: What'll it be? Hmmm?
Buddy Love: Good! That was wonderful. Did anyone ever tell you you couldn't sing?
Buddy Love: Aww... That's no way to talk. Tsk, tsk, tsk. "What'll it be?" That's no way to treat a customer. C'mere. Try it like this. Pay attention. You'll feel better and the customers'll be happier. Try this: "What'll it be? Hmmm?" Try that. Come on. We haven't got all night. Try it.
Purple Pit Bartender: What'll it be? Hmmm?
Buddy Love: Good! That was wonderful. Did anyone ever tell you you couldn't sing?
Professor Julius Kelp: And I think that the lesson that I learned came just in time. I don't want to be something that I'm not. I didn't like being someone else. At the same time I'm very glad I was cause I found out something that I never knew. You might as well like yourself. Just think about all the time you're going to have to spend with you. And if you don't think too much of yourself, how do you expect others to?
[Sherman has bloated back into himself after being Buddy Love at the banquet]
Sherman Klump: If you give me a moment, I can explain. My research is, um... Well, when I started out, I wanted to help people. But then I became desperate and selfish. And what I did was wrong. Buddy's who I thought the whole world wanted me to be. He's who I thought I wanted to be. And sometimes when you want something so so bad, you'll do just about anything to get it. But I learned one thing from Buddy. Life isn't about being happy with how much you weigh, but just being happy with yourself. I'm terribly sorry about all of this, I hope I haven't ruined everybody's evening. Please excuse me.
[to Carla]
Sherman Klump: Sorry.
Sherman Klump: If you give me a moment, I can explain. My research is, um... Well, when I started out, I wanted to help people. But then I became desperate and selfish. And what I did was wrong. Buddy's who I thought the whole world wanted me to be. He's who I thought I wanted to be. And sometimes when you want something so so bad, you'll do just about anything to get it. But I learned one thing from Buddy. Life isn't about being happy with how much you weigh, but just being happy with yourself. I'm terribly sorry about all of this, I hope I haven't ruined everybody's evening. Please excuse me.
[to Carla]
Sherman Klump: Sorry.
Buddy Love: Oh you mean rich dummy terms? I'll break it down. All the rich dummies in the room, listen up! If you gonna eat nasty stuff like this.
[Picks up a porkchop]
Buddy Love: I know it looks good and I know how many of here like porkchop. But this greasy, nasty porkchop, you know there's a gene in your DNA that routes this straight to your fat cells, and it causes all sorts of sightly conditions. Case in point, this woman has what I like to call jello arms...
[shakes a fat lady's arm]
Buddy Love: ...you notice the arm has taken on a gelatin sort of vibe. Quite nasty.
[moves to a man at another table]
Buddy Love: And to my left, this gentleman has turkey neck,
[Moves to the woman next to him]
Buddy Love: to my immediate left, this young lady is suffering from what we like to call saddlebag syndrome
[moves to the woman next to her]
Buddy Love: and to my extreme left, this lady is suffering from what we like to call... tank ass.
[the woman's husband gets up]
Buddy Love: Yo, not tonight, man.
[escorts him back into his seat]
Buddy Love: I'm your brother, I'm your brother. Like I was saying, ladies and gentlemen, where there's a will, there's a way, and there is a way we can turn these genes off, and I don't mean by using exercise or diet, I'm talking about by taking a simple solution, which helps reconstruct your metabolic cellular strands, thus giving you the appearance of,
[picks a nice lady]
Buddy Love: as they say in medical terms... gluteus minimus, or in layman's terms, an extremely tight, wonderful ass. Let's give it up for the woman with the nice ass.
[a bit of the other people applaud]
Buddy Love: She's worked so hard, don't you agree? Have a seat have a seat. Wow, everybody has a nice ass at this table, is this the nice ass section?
[Picks up a porkchop]
Buddy Love: I know it looks good and I know how many of here like porkchop. But this greasy, nasty porkchop, you know there's a gene in your DNA that routes this straight to your fat cells, and it causes all sorts of sightly conditions. Case in point, this woman has what I like to call jello arms...
[shakes a fat lady's arm]
Buddy Love: ...you notice the arm has taken on a gelatin sort of vibe. Quite nasty.
[moves to a man at another table]
Buddy Love: And to my left, this gentleman has turkey neck,
[Moves to the woman next to him]
Buddy Love: to my immediate left, this young lady is suffering from what we like to call saddlebag syndrome
[moves to the woman next to her]
Buddy Love: and to my extreme left, this lady is suffering from what we like to call... tank ass.
[the woman's husband gets up]
Buddy Love: Yo, not tonight, man.
[escorts him back into his seat]
Buddy Love: I'm your brother, I'm your brother. Like I was saying, ladies and gentlemen, where there's a will, there's a way, and there is a way we can turn these genes off, and I don't mean by using exercise or diet, I'm talking about by taking a simple solution, which helps reconstruct your metabolic cellular strands, thus giving you the appearance of,
[picks a nice lady]
Buddy Love: as they say in medical terms... gluteus minimus, or in layman's terms, an extremely tight, wonderful ass. Let's give it up for the woman with the nice ass.
[a bit of the other people applaud]
Buddy Love: She's worked so hard, don't you agree? Have a seat have a seat. Wow, everybody has a nice ass at this table, is this the nice ass section?
Dr. Hamius R. Warfield: Warfield finishes with papers handed to him by secretary Lemmon... Where's your pad?
Millie Lemmon: Oh it's not quite a mile from campus. It's a small flat, but you should see what I did with the drapes! Oh! You meant my steno pad. I'll be right back with it.
Dr. Hamius R. Warfield: Never mind, what is it?
Millie Lemmon: Mr. Buddy Love is hear to see you, and is he ever a gasser! Should I have him come in?
Dr. Hamius R. Warfield: If you can do so without fainting.
Millie Lemmon: Oh it's not quite a mile from campus. It's a small flat, but you should see what I did with the drapes! Oh! You meant my steno pad. I'll be right back with it.
Dr. Hamius R. Warfield: Never mind, what is it?
Millie Lemmon: Mr. Buddy Love is hear to see you, and is he ever a gasser! Should I have him come in?
Dr. Hamius R. Warfield: If you can do so without fainting.
Buddy Love: They're nice kids. All nice. All nice kids. They have very, very good taste, I might add.
Stella Purdy: I'm glad. It would be a shame to waste the genius of yours on the riff-raff.
Buddy Love: Well, honey, I always say, if you're good and you know it, why waste time beating around the bush, true?
Stella Purdy: And I always say that to love yourself is the beginning of a life-long romance. And after watching you, I know that you and you will be very happy together.
Buddy Love: Just a minute, sweetheart. I don't recall dismissing you.
Stella Purdy: You rude, discourteous egomaniac!
Buddy Love: You're crazy about me, right? And I can understand it. Only this morning, looking in the mirror before shaving, I enjoyed seeing what I saw so much I couldn't tear myself away.
[kisses his hand]
Buddy Love: Have some, baby?
Stella Purdy: I'm glad. It would be a shame to waste the genius of yours on the riff-raff.
Buddy Love: Well, honey, I always say, if you're good and you know it, why waste time beating around the bush, true?
Stella Purdy: And I always say that to love yourself is the beginning of a life-long romance. And after watching you, I know that you and you will be very happy together.
Buddy Love: Just a minute, sweetheart. I don't recall dismissing you.
Stella Purdy: You rude, discourteous egomaniac!
Buddy Love: You're crazy about me, right? And I can understand it. Only this morning, looking in the mirror before shaving, I enjoyed seeing what I saw so much I couldn't tear myself away.
[kisses his hand]
Buddy Love: Have some, baby?
Lance: You're not pathetic! People! Pounds do not lose themselves! You have to work! Work! Work! Everybody up! Get up! You, too, at home. Everybody up and say...
[w/audience]
Lance: Yes, I can!
[alone]
Lance: Say it again.
[w/audience]
Lance: Yes, I can!
Sherman Klump: [determined] Yes, I can!
[stomps on the floor]
Sherman Klump: Yes, I can! Yes...!
Mr. Wilson: Quiet down, damn it!
Sherman Klump: Sorry 'bout that down there, Mr. Wilson!
Mr. Wilson: Klump, shut up!
Sherman Klump: [sets to work] I can!
[w/audience]
Lance: Yes, I can!
[alone]
Lance: Say it again.
[w/audience]
Lance: Yes, I can!
Sherman Klump: [determined] Yes, I can!
[stomps on the floor]
Sherman Klump: Yes, I can! Yes...!
Mr. Wilson: Quiet down, damn it!
Sherman Klump: Sorry 'bout that down there, Mr. Wilson!
Mr. Wilson: Klump, shut up!
Sherman Klump: [sets to work] I can!
Purple Pit Bartender: [Arrives with several bottles of spirits; to Buddy] Did you say a Polar Bear Heater?
Buddy Love: No, YOU said it! I said an Alaskan Polar Bear Heater.
Purple Pit Bartender: I never heard of that.
Buddy Love: Until now.
Purple Pit Bartender: [mumbles] Until now.
Buddy Love: All right, pay attention. Two shots of vodka.
Purple Pit Bartender: [starts mixing the drink] Two shots of vodka...
Buddy Love: A little rum.
Buddy Love: A little rum...
Buddy Love: Some bitters...
Purple Pit Bartender: Some bitters...
Buddy Love: And a smidgen of vinegar.
Purple Pit Bartender: [grabs the vinegar] A smidgen of... Are you gonna drink this here or you're gonna take it home and rub it on your chest?
Buddy Love: Hey, that was terrific! Hey, did ya hear that, folks? A regular George Bernard Shaw. Good boy! And he did it all by himself. You did all by yourself and nobody helped you. That's terrific...
[insulted and angry]
Buddy Love: and with your very own big mouth! Now if you don't want this cocktail shaker to be a part of your gums, mix the drink, shut your mouth and pay attention. Is that clear? Repeat after me. I'll...
Purple Pit Bartender: I'll...
Buddy Love: I'll pay...
Purple Pit Bartender: I'll pay...
Buddy Love: I'll pay attention.
Purple Pit Bartender: I'll pay attention.
Buddy Love: No, YOU said it! I said an Alaskan Polar Bear Heater.
Purple Pit Bartender: I never heard of that.
Buddy Love: Until now.
Purple Pit Bartender: [mumbles] Until now.
Buddy Love: All right, pay attention. Two shots of vodka.
Purple Pit Bartender: [starts mixing the drink] Two shots of vodka...
Buddy Love: A little rum.
Buddy Love: A little rum...
Buddy Love: Some bitters...
Purple Pit Bartender: Some bitters...
Buddy Love: And a smidgen of vinegar.
Purple Pit Bartender: [grabs the vinegar] A smidgen of... Are you gonna drink this here or you're gonna take it home and rub it on your chest?
Buddy Love: Hey, that was terrific! Hey, did ya hear that, folks? A regular George Bernard Shaw. Good boy! And he did it all by himself. You did all by yourself and nobody helped you. That's terrific...
[insulted and angry]
Buddy Love: and with your very own big mouth! Now if you don't want this cocktail shaker to be a part of your gums, mix the drink, shut your mouth and pay attention. Is that clear? Repeat after me. I'll...
Purple Pit Bartender: I'll...
Buddy Love: I'll pay...
Purple Pit Bartender: I'll pay...
Buddy Love: I'll pay attention.
Purple Pit Bartender: I'll pay attention.
Buddy Love: All right, let's continue. A shot of vermouth.
Purple Pit Bartender: [continues mixing the drink] A shot of vermouth...
Buddy Love: A shot of gin.
Purple Pit Bartender: A little gin...
Buddy Love: A little brandy.
Purple Pit Bartender: A little brandy...
Buddy Love: Lemon peel.
Purple Pit Bartender: A lemon peel...
Buddy Love: Orange peel.
Purple Pit Bartender: Some orange peel...
Buddy Love: Cherry.
[Bartender look at Buddy in shock]
Buddy Love: Some more scotch.
Purple Pit Bartender: Some more scotch.
Buddy Love: Now mix it nice and pour it into a tall glass.
[the bartender shakes up Buddy's drink, then places the tall glass by him]
Purple Pit Bartender: Hey, I've never tried one of these. Do you mind if I take a sip?
Buddy Love: No, go right ahead.
Purple Pit Bartender: [Bartender pours a small helping in a small glass, then sips it] Not bad.
Purple Pit Bartender: [continues mixing the drink] A shot of vermouth...
Buddy Love: A shot of gin.
Purple Pit Bartender: A little gin...
Buddy Love: A little brandy.
Purple Pit Bartender: A little brandy...
Buddy Love: Lemon peel.
Purple Pit Bartender: A lemon peel...
Buddy Love: Orange peel.
Purple Pit Bartender: Some orange peel...
Buddy Love: Cherry.
[Bartender look at Buddy in shock]
Buddy Love: Some more scotch.
Purple Pit Bartender: Some more scotch.
Buddy Love: Now mix it nice and pour it into a tall glass.
[the bartender shakes up Buddy's drink, then places the tall glass by him]
Purple Pit Bartender: Hey, I've never tried one of these. Do you mind if I take a sip?
Buddy Love: No, go right ahead.
Purple Pit Bartender: [Bartender pours a small helping in a small glass, then sips it] Not bad.
Buddy Love: I know what you're thinking: Where's he been all my life? Right?
Stella Purdy: No, not exactly.
Buddy Love: And that you're happy with the way I handled those three goons, right? Well, normally I would've belted them, but I didn't want to muss myself all up and have you dance with a sloppy guy. Dig?
Stella Purdy: Well then, you restrained yourself just for little old me.
Buddy Love: I knew you'd appreciate it. I do a lot of nice things.
Stella Purdy: Well, is that really the case or is this line 27-a for young college girls?
Buddy Love: Aww, now you see? You went and done it. For one of the rare times in my life when I dig down into the soul, and you doubt my veracity. Well, that hurts.
Stella Purdy: Well, it's not your veracity that I doubt.
[pause]
Stella Purdy: The music stopped.
Buddy Love: Yeah, I heard.
Stella Purdy: No, not exactly.
Buddy Love: And that you're happy with the way I handled those three goons, right? Well, normally I would've belted them, but I didn't want to muss myself all up and have you dance with a sloppy guy. Dig?
Stella Purdy: Well then, you restrained yourself just for little old me.
Buddy Love: I knew you'd appreciate it. I do a lot of nice things.
Stella Purdy: Well, is that really the case or is this line 27-a for young college girls?
Buddy Love: Aww, now you see? You went and done it. For one of the rare times in my life when I dig down into the soul, and you doubt my veracity. Well, that hurts.
Stella Purdy: Well, it's not your veracity that I doubt.
[pause]
Stella Purdy: The music stopped.
Buddy Love: Yeah, I heard.
Buddy Love: Hiya, chicky baby. How's it going?
Stella Purdy: Fine.
Buddy Love: Crazy. I thought I'd visit your little land of learning. Cute. Cute pad.
Stella Purdy: What happened to you last night? What'd you run away like that for? I thought you saw a ghost or something.
Buddy Love: Oh yeah. How 'bout that? Well, that's why I stopped by. I thought I'd lay it on ya, but this ain't the place to talk. What do you say we meet later at the Purple Pit? We can talk better there.
Stella Purdy: Well, I dunno. You're pretty weird, you know, and I don't want...
Buddy Love: Chi-chi. Ten o' clock?
Stella Purdy: Perfect.
Buddy Love: Figures.
Stella Purdy: Fine.
Buddy Love: Crazy. I thought I'd visit your little land of learning. Cute. Cute pad.
Stella Purdy: What happened to you last night? What'd you run away like that for? I thought you saw a ghost or something.
Buddy Love: Oh yeah. How 'bout that? Well, that's why I stopped by. I thought I'd lay it on ya, but this ain't the place to talk. What do you say we meet later at the Purple Pit? We can talk better there.
Stella Purdy: Well, I dunno. You're pretty weird, you know, and I don't want...
Buddy Love: Chi-chi. Ten o' clock?
Stella Purdy: Perfect.
Buddy Love: Figures.
Professor Julius Kelp: [after being helped off the shelf of a closet] Thank you, Miss Purdy.
Stella Purdy: Are you all right, Professor?
Professor Julius Kelp: Oh yes, I... this is very embarrassing, Miss Purdy.
Stella Purdy: Why don't you call me Stella, Professor.
Professor Julius Kelp: Oh, I thought it was Stella Purdy. Oh, you mean to call you Stella. Yes. How stupid of me. Sorry. All right, I will, stupid. Uh, Stella.
Stella Purdy: Are you all right, Professor?
Professor Julius Kelp: Oh yes, I... this is very embarrassing, Miss Purdy.
Stella Purdy: Why don't you call me Stella, Professor.
Professor Julius Kelp: Oh, I thought it was Stella Purdy. Oh, you mean to call you Stella. Yes. How stupid of me. Sorry. All right, I will, stupid. Uh, Stella.
