The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad! Quotes
Incompetent cop Frank Drebin has to foil an attempt to assassinate Queen Elizabeth II.
Mayor: Drebin, I don't want anymore trouble like you had last year on the South Side. Understand? That's my policy.
Frank: Yes. Well, when I see 5 weirdos dressed in togas stabbing a guy in the middle of the park in full view of 100 people, I shoot the bastards. That's *my* policy.
Mayor: That was a Shakespeare-In-The-Park production of "Julius Caesar", you moron! You killed 5 actors! Good ones.
Frank: Yes. Well, when I see 5 weirdos dressed in togas stabbing a guy in the middle of the park in full view of 100 people, I shoot the bastards. That's *my* policy.
Mayor: That was a Shakespeare-In-The-Park production of "Julius Caesar", you moron! You killed 5 actors! Good ones.
Frank: I'm telling ya, the answer's up there in Ludwig's office. Call it what you will. A hunch, woman's intuition. That guy Ludwig knows a lot more than he's telling us.
Ed: A hunch won't stand up in court, Frank. Where are your hard facts?
Frank: Look. He's the only one outside of ourselves who knew that Nordberg was still alive. Next thing we know, some thug tries to knock Nordberg off in the hospital.
Ed: That may be, but breaking into Ludwig's office, you're takin' a big chance.
Frank: I know. You take a chance getting up in the morning, crossing the street, or sticking your face in a fan.
Ed: A hunch won't stand up in court, Frank. Where are your hard facts?
Frank: Look. He's the only one outside of ourselves who knew that Nordberg was still alive. Next thing we know, some thug tries to knock Nordberg off in the hospital.
Ed: That may be, but breaking into Ludwig's office, you're takin' a big chance.
Frank: I know. You take a chance getting up in the morning, crossing the street, or sticking your face in a fan.
[Frank Drebin walks through town]
Frank: [narrating] The attempt on Nordberg's life left me shaken and disturbed, and all the questions kept coming up over and over again, like bubbles in a case of club soda. Who was this character in the hospital? And why was he trying to kill Nordberg? And for whom? Did Ludwig lie to me? I didn't have any proof, but somehow, I didn't entirely trust him either. Why was the 'I Luv You' not listed in Ludwig's records? And if it was, did he know about it? And if he didn't, who did? And where the hell was I?
Frank: [narrating] The attempt on Nordberg's life left me shaken and disturbed, and all the questions kept coming up over and over again, like bubbles in a case of club soda. Who was this character in the hospital? And why was he trying to kill Nordberg? And for whom? Did Ludwig lie to me? I didn't have any proof, but somehow, I didn't entirely trust him either. Why was the 'I Luv You' not listed in Ludwig's records? And if it was, did he know about it? And if he didn't, who did? And where the hell was I?
[Frank is interrogating Nordberg about the source of his incident, while Nordberg is only partly conscious from anesthesia, which Frank is incompetently unaware of]
Frank: Nordberg, it's me, Frank. Now, who did this to you?
Det. Nordberg: [half-consciously] I... love... you.
Frank: I love you, too, Nordberg. Who were they?
Det. Nordberg: [half-consciously] Ship... boat.
Frank: That's right, Nordberg. A boat. Now, when you're better, we'll go sailing together on a boat. We'll take a cruise just like last year.
Det. Nordberg: [half-consciously] No... Drugs...
Frank: Hey, Nurse! Quick! Give this man some drugs! Quick! Can't you see he's in pain? Give him a shot quickly!
[nurse administers drugs]
Det. Nordberg: No... no...
[pulls Frank towards him]
Det. Nordberg: [half-consciously] Heroin... Heroin, Frank!
Frank: Uh, Nordberg... that's a pretty tall order. You're gonna have to give me a couple of days on that one.
Frank: Nordberg, it's me, Frank. Now, who did this to you?
Det. Nordberg: [half-consciously] I... love... you.
Frank: I love you, too, Nordberg. Who were they?
Det. Nordberg: [half-consciously] Ship... boat.
Frank: That's right, Nordberg. A boat. Now, when you're better, we'll go sailing together on a boat. We'll take a cruise just like last year.
Det. Nordberg: [half-consciously] No... Drugs...
Frank: Hey, Nurse! Quick! Give this man some drugs! Quick! Can't you see he's in pain? Give him a shot quickly!
[nurse administers drugs]
Det. Nordberg: No... no...
[pulls Frank towards him]
Det. Nordberg: [half-consciously] Heroin... Heroin, Frank!
Frank: Uh, Nordberg... that's a pretty tall order. You're gonna have to give me a couple of days on that one.
[Frank recalls a prior love]
Frank: I'd known her for years. We used to go to all the police functions together. Ah, how I loved her, but she had her music. I think she had her music. She'd hang out with the Chicago Male Chorus and Symphony. I don't recall her playing an instrument or being able to carry a tune. Yet she was on the road 300 days of the year. In fact, I bought her a harp for Christmas. She asked me what it was.
Frank: I'd known her for years. We used to go to all the police functions together. Ah, how I loved her, but she had her music. I think she had her music. She'd hang out with the Chicago Male Chorus and Symphony. I don't recall her playing an instrument or being able to carry a tune. Yet she was on the road 300 days of the year. In fact, I bought her a harp for Christmas. She asked me what it was.
Frank: [sings] Oh say can you see / By the dawn's early light / What so proudly we hail / In the twilight's last gleaming? / Whose bright stripes and broad stars / In the perilous night / For the ramparts we watched / uh, da-da-da-da-da-daaaa. / And the rocket's red glare / Lots of bombs in the air / Gave proof to the night / That we still had our flag. / Oh say does that flag banner wave / Over a-a-all that's free / And the home of the land / And the land of the - FREE!
[Nordberg is being visited in the hospital by his wife, Wilma, along with Frank and Ed, after Nordberg had barely survived a massive gunfire by a group of ruffians. Wilma is taking the unfortunate circumstance pretty hard, and with no help from Frank's blunt assumptions and remarks about the situation]
Mrs. Nordberg: Oh, my poor Nordberg! He was such a good man, Frank. He never wanted to hurt anyone. Who would do such a thing?
Ed: It's hard to tell.
Frank: [being blunt] A roving gang of thugs, a blackmailer, an angry husband, a gay lover...
[Wilma sobs]
Ed: Frank, get a hold of yourself!
Frank: A good cop, needlessly cut down and ambushed by some cowardly hoodlum.
Ed: That's no way for a man to die.
Frank: [being blunt] Ah, you're right, Ed. A parachute not opening... that's a way to die. Getting caught in the gears of a combine... having your nuts bit off by a Laplander, that's the way I wanna go!
Mrs. Nordberg: [Wilma sobs again] Oh... Frank! Oh, this is terrible!
Ed: Don't you worry, Wilma. Your husband is going to be all right. Don't you worry about anything. Just think positive. Never let a doubt enter your mind.
Frank: [being blunt] He's right, Wilma. But I wouldn't wait until the last minute to fill out those organ donor cards.
[Wilma sobs again]
Ed: What I'm trying to say is that, Wilma, as soon as Nordberg is better, he's welcome back at Police Squad.
Frank: [being blunt] Unless he's a drooling vegetable. But I think that's only common sense.
[Wilma sobs again]
Mrs. Nordberg: Oh, my poor Nordberg! He was such a good man, Frank. He never wanted to hurt anyone. Who would do such a thing?
Ed: It's hard to tell.
Frank: [being blunt] A roving gang of thugs, a blackmailer, an angry husband, a gay lover...
[Wilma sobs]
Ed: Frank, get a hold of yourself!
Frank: A good cop, needlessly cut down and ambushed by some cowardly hoodlum.
Ed: That's no way for a man to die.
Frank: [being blunt] Ah, you're right, Ed. A parachute not opening... that's a way to die. Getting caught in the gears of a combine... having your nuts bit off by a Laplander, that's the way I wanna go!
Mrs. Nordberg: [Wilma sobs again] Oh... Frank! Oh, this is terrible!
Ed: Don't you worry, Wilma. Your husband is going to be all right. Don't you worry about anything. Just think positive. Never let a doubt enter your mind.
Frank: [being blunt] He's right, Wilma. But I wouldn't wait until the last minute to fill out those organ donor cards.
[Wilma sobs again]
Ed: What I'm trying to say is that, Wilma, as soon as Nordberg is better, he's welcome back at Police Squad.
Frank: [being blunt] Unless he's a drooling vegetable. But I think that's only common sense.
[Wilma sobs again]
[Frank knocks on the door of Enrico Pallazzo's room. Enrico opened the door]
Enrico Pallazzo: Yes?
Frank: Mr. Pallazzo?
Enrico Pallazzo: Si?
Frank: I'm the head usher.
Enrico Pallazzo: Ah!
Frank: I'm here to tell you... Excuse me.
[Enrico turns around and Frank struck his back]
Enrico Pallazzo: Uggh!
[Frank temporarily knocks out Enrico and closes the door as he takes Enrico into the room. Then, the stadium head usher arrives and knocks on the door where Frank took Enrico into]
Stadium Head Usher: Mr. Pallazzo?
Frank: [opens the door] Yes?
Stadium Head Usher: I'm the head usher.
Frank: One second.
Enrico Pallazzo: Yes?
Frank: Mr. Pallazzo?
Enrico Pallazzo: Si?
Frank: I'm the head usher.
Enrico Pallazzo: Ah!
Frank: I'm here to tell you... Excuse me.
[Enrico turns around and Frank struck his back]
Enrico Pallazzo: Uggh!
[Frank temporarily knocks out Enrico and closes the door as he takes Enrico into the room. Then, the stadium head usher arrives and knocks on the door where Frank took Enrico into]
Stadium Head Usher: Mr. Pallazzo?
Frank: [opens the door] Yes?
Stadium Head Usher: I'm the head usher.
Frank: One second.
Driving instructor: It's okay. Normally you would not be going sixty-five down the wrong way of a one-way street.
[a large semi truck appears speeding out of a tunnel towards the car. Stephanie screams, even Frank is terrified, but the unflappable driving instructor continues to remain perfectly calm]
Driving instructor: [continues to talk in a calm, casual tone] Apply the brake.
[Stephanie slams her foot on the brake]
Driving instructor: Now, put it in reverse...
[Stephanie slams her foot on the gas petel speeing in reverse away from the truck now only inches from the car. The driving instructor continues to remain perfectly calm]
[a large semi truck appears speeding out of a tunnel towards the car. Stephanie screams, even Frank is terrified, but the unflappable driving instructor continues to remain perfectly calm]
Driving instructor: [continues to talk in a calm, casual tone] Apply the brake.
[Stephanie slams her foot on the brake]
Driving instructor: Now, put it in reverse...
[Stephanie slams her foot on the gas petel speeing in reverse away from the truck now only inches from the car. The driving instructor continues to remain perfectly calm]
