The Muppet Christmas Carol Quotes
The Muppet characters tell their version of the classic tale of an old and bitter miser's redemption on Christmas Eve.
Fozziwig: My speech! Here's my Christmas speech. Ahem. "Thank you all, and Merry Christmas."
Jacob Marley: That was the speech?
Robert Marley: It was dumb!
Jacob Marley: It was obvious!
Robert Marley: It was pointless!
Jacob Marley: It was... short!
[turns to Robert]
Jacob Marley, Robert Marley: I loved it!
Jacob Marley: That was the speech?
Robert Marley: It was dumb!
Jacob Marley: It was obvious!
Robert Marley: It was pointless!
Jacob Marley: It was... short!
[turns to Robert]
Jacob Marley, Robert Marley: I loved it!
Sam the Eagle: Tomorrow, you become a man of business!
Young Scrooge: I'm looking forward to it, Headmaster.
Sam the Eagle: Mm, you will love business. It is the AMERICAN WAY!
Gonzo: [whispers] Sam...
[whispers in Sam's ear]
Sam the Eagle: Oh... It is the BRITISH WAY!
Young Scrooge: Yes, headmaster.
Young Scrooge: I'm looking forward to it, Headmaster.
Sam the Eagle: Mm, you will love business. It is the AMERICAN WAY!
Gonzo: [whispers] Sam...
[whispers in Sam's ear]
Sam the Eagle: Oh... It is the BRITISH WAY!
Young Scrooge: Yes, headmaster.
Rizzo the Rat: There are two things in this life I hate: heights, and jumping from them.
Gonzo: Too late now. Come on, I'll catch you.
Rizzo the Rat: God save my little broken body!
[Jumps and falls to the ground. He looks at Gonzo]
Gonzo: Missed.
Rizzo the Rat: Oh wait a second... I forgot my jellybeans. Um...
[Slides through the bars to retrieve them, and joins Gonzo back on the other side. Gonzo stares at him]
Rizzo the Rat: What?
Gonzo: You can fit through those bars?
Rizzo the Rat: Yeah...
Gonzo: You are such an idiot.
Gonzo: Too late now. Come on, I'll catch you.
Rizzo the Rat: God save my little broken body!
[Jumps and falls to the ground. He looks at Gonzo]
Gonzo: Missed.
Rizzo the Rat: Oh wait a second... I forgot my jellybeans. Um...
[Slides through the bars to retrieve them, and joins Gonzo back on the other side. Gonzo stares at him]
Rizzo the Rat: What?
Gonzo: You can fit through those bars?
Rizzo the Rat: Yeah...
Gonzo: You are such an idiot.
Kermit the Frog: If you please Mr. Scrooge, it's gotten colder, and the bookkeeping staff would like an extra shovel full of coal for the fire?
Rat #1: We can't do the bookkeeping, all our pens have turned to inkcicles!
Rat #2: Our assets are frozen!
Ebenezer Scrooge: How would the bookkeeping staff like to be suddenly... UNEMPLOYED?
Rats: [singing] HEAT WAVE. This is my island in the sun...
Rat #1: We can't do the bookkeeping, all our pens have turned to inkcicles!
Rat #2: Our assets are frozen!
Ebenezer Scrooge: How would the bookkeeping staff like to be suddenly... UNEMPLOYED?
Rats: [singing] HEAT WAVE. This is my island in the sun...
Ebenezer Scrooge: Bob Cratchit, I've had my fill of this.
Miss Piggy: And I have had my fill of you, Mr. Scrooge.
Ebenezer Scrooge: And therefore, Bob Cratchit...
Miss Piggy: And therefore, you can leave this house at once.
Ebenezer Scrooge: And therefore, I'm about to raise your salary!
Miss Piggy: Ooh, and I am about to raise you right off the pavement...! Pardon?
Kermit the Frog: Pardon?
Miss Piggy: And I have had my fill of you, Mr. Scrooge.
Ebenezer Scrooge: And therefore, Bob Cratchit...
Miss Piggy: And therefore, you can leave this house at once.
Ebenezer Scrooge: And therefore, I'm about to raise your salary!
Miss Piggy: Ooh, and I am about to raise you right off the pavement...! Pardon?
Kermit the Frog: Pardon?
Jacob Marley: Why do you doubt your senses?
Ebenezer Scrooge: Because a little thing can effect them. A slight disorder of the stomach can make them cheat. You may be a bit of undigested beef, a blob of mustard, a crumb of cheese. Yes. There's more gravy than of grave about you.
Robert Marley: More gravy than of grave?
Jacob Marley: What a terrible pun. Where do you get those jokes?
Robert Marley: Leave comedy to the bears, Ebenezer.
Ebenezer Scrooge: Because a little thing can effect them. A slight disorder of the stomach can make them cheat. You may be a bit of undigested beef, a blob of mustard, a crumb of cheese. Yes. There's more gravy than of grave about you.
Robert Marley: More gravy than of grave?
Jacob Marley: What a terrible pun. Where do you get those jokes?
Robert Marley: Leave comedy to the bears, Ebenezer.
Gonzo: My name is Charles Dickens.
Rizzo the Rat: And my name is Rizzo the Rat... wait a second! You're not Charles Dickens!
Gonzo: I am too!
Rizzo the Rat: No! A blue furry Charles Dickens who hangs out with a rat?
Gonzo: Absolutely!
Rizzo the Rat: Charles Dickens was a 19th Century novelist! A genius!
Gonzo: Oh, you are too kind!
Rizzo the Rat: Why should I believe you?
Gonzo: Well, because I know the story of A Christmas Carol like the back of my hand!
Rizzo the Rat: Prove it!
Gonzo: All right! Um, there's a little mole on my thumb, and um, a scar on my wrist from when I fell off my bike...
Rizzo the Rat: No, no, no, don't tell us your *hand*, tell us the *story*!
Rizzo the Rat: And my name is Rizzo the Rat... wait a second! You're not Charles Dickens!
Gonzo: I am too!
Rizzo the Rat: No! A blue furry Charles Dickens who hangs out with a rat?
Gonzo: Absolutely!
Rizzo the Rat: Charles Dickens was a 19th Century novelist! A genius!
Gonzo: Oh, you are too kind!
Rizzo the Rat: Why should I believe you?
Gonzo: Well, because I know the story of A Christmas Carol like the back of my hand!
Rizzo the Rat: Prove it!
Gonzo: All right! Um, there's a little mole on my thumb, and um, a scar on my wrist from when I fell off my bike...
Rizzo the Rat: No, no, no, don't tell us your *hand*, tell us the *story*!
Ebenezer Scrooge: [in the graveyard] Must we return to this place? There is something else that I must know, is that not true? Spirit, I know what I must ask. I fear to, but I must. Who was the wretched man whose death brought so much glee and happiness to others?
[the spirit points to a headstone, Scrooge begins moving toward it, then turns back, frightened]
Ebenezer Scrooge: Answer me one more question. Are these the shadows of things that *will* be, or are they the shadows of things that *may* be only?
[the spirit points again at the gravestone, Scrooge slowly approaches it]
Ebenezer Scrooge: These events can be changed! A life can be made right.
[he clears the snow from the stone and reads]
Ebenezer Scrooge: [in tears] Ebenezer Scrooge! Oh please Spirit, no! Hear me, I, I am not the man I was! Why would you show me this if I am past all hope?...
[sobbing]
Ebenezer Scrooge: I, I *will* honor Christmas, and try to keep it all the year! I will live my life in the past, the present and the future. I will not shut out the lessons the spirits have taught me! Tell me that I may sponge out the writing on this stone!
[kneeling, clutching at the spirit's robe]
Ebenezer Scrooge: Oh Spirit, please speak to me!
[the spirit points to a headstone, Scrooge begins moving toward it, then turns back, frightened]
Ebenezer Scrooge: Answer me one more question. Are these the shadows of things that *will* be, or are they the shadows of things that *may* be only?
[the spirit points again at the gravestone, Scrooge slowly approaches it]
Ebenezer Scrooge: These events can be changed! A life can be made right.
[he clears the snow from the stone and reads]
Ebenezer Scrooge: [in tears] Ebenezer Scrooge! Oh please Spirit, no! Hear me, I, I am not the man I was! Why would you show me this if I am past all hope?...
[sobbing]
Ebenezer Scrooge: I, I *will* honor Christmas, and try to keep it all the year! I will live my life in the past, the present and the future. I will not shut out the lessons the spirits have taught me! Tell me that I may sponge out the writing on this stone!
[kneeling, clutching at the spirit's robe]
Ebenezer Scrooge: Oh Spirit, please speak to me!
Rizzo the Rat: How do you know what Scrooge is doin'? We're down here and he's up there!
Gonzo: I told you, storytellers are omniscient; I know everything!
Rizzo the Rat: Hoity-toity, Mr. Godlike Smarty-Pants.
Gonzo: To conduct a proper search, Scrooge was forced to light the lamps.
[the lamps come on]
Rizzo the Rat: How *does* he do that?
Gonzo: I told you, storytellers are omniscient; I know everything!
Rizzo the Rat: Hoity-toity, Mr. Godlike Smarty-Pants.
Gonzo: To conduct a proper search, Scrooge was forced to light the lamps.
[the lamps come on]
Rizzo the Rat: How *does* he do that?
Ebenezer Scrooge: I'll see you tomorrow morning at 8.
Rats: [whispering] Ask him, ask him.
Kermit the Frog: Tomorrow's Christmas, sir.
Ebenezer Scrooge: 8:30, then.
Kermit the Frog: Uh, if you please Mr. Scrooge, half an hour off hardly seems customary for Christmas Day.
Rats: No, no.
Ebenezer Scrooge: How much time off *is* customary?
Kermit the Frog: Why, uh... The whole day.
Rats: Yeah, yeah!
Ebenezer Scrooge: The *entire* day?
Rats: No, no. That's the frog's idea...
Rats: [whispering] Ask him, ask him.
Kermit the Frog: Tomorrow's Christmas, sir.
Ebenezer Scrooge: 8:30, then.
Kermit the Frog: Uh, if you please Mr. Scrooge, half an hour off hardly seems customary for Christmas Day.
Rats: No, no.
Ebenezer Scrooge: How much time off *is* customary?
Kermit the Frog: Why, uh... The whole day.
Rats: Yeah, yeah!
Ebenezer Scrooge: The *entire* day?
Rats: No, no. That's the frog's idea...
Ebenezer Scrooge: What right have you to be merry? You're poor enough.
Fred: What right have you to be dismal? You're rich enough.
Rizzo the Rat: He's got 'im there. The old boy's speechless!
Ebenezer Scrooge: If I could work my will, every idiot who goes around with "a Merry Christmas" on his lips would be cooked with his own turkey and buried with a stake of holly through his heart!
Rizzo the Rat: Well, not quite speechless.
Fred: What right have you to be dismal? You're rich enough.
Rizzo the Rat: He's got 'im there. The old boy's speechless!
Ebenezer Scrooge: If I could work my will, every idiot who goes around with "a Merry Christmas" on his lips would be cooked with his own turkey and buried with a stake of holly through his heart!
Rizzo the Rat: Well, not quite speechless.
Gonzo: He was a tight-fisted hand at the grindstone, Scr...
[noticing the smudged window of Scrooge's office]
Gonzo: Boy, this really *is* a dirty city!
Rizzo the Rat: Heh, you're tellin' me!
[Gonzo grabs Rizzo and uses him to wipe off the window pane]
Rizzo the Rat: [sarcastically] Thank you for makin' me a part of this!
Gonzo: [dropping Rizzo] He was a tight-fisted hand at the grindstone, Scrooge: a squeezing, wrenching, grasping, clutching, covetous old sinner.
[noticing the smudged window of Scrooge's office]
Gonzo: Boy, this really *is* a dirty city!
Rizzo the Rat: Heh, you're tellin' me!
[Gonzo grabs Rizzo and uses him to wipe off the window pane]
Rizzo the Rat: [sarcastically] Thank you for makin' me a part of this!
Gonzo: [dropping Rizzo] He was a tight-fisted hand at the grindstone, Scrooge: a squeezing, wrenching, grasping, clutching, covetous old sinner.
[Rizzo and "Mr. Dickens" are sitting on the window ledge outside Scrooge's bedroom]
Rizzo the Rat: [looking around] Um, are you sure it's safe for us to be up here?
Gonzo: Scrooge is saved. What can happen now?
Rizzo the Rat: Yeah.
[Scrooge opens the window, knocking Rizzo and "Mr. Dickens" off the ledge]
Rizzo the Rat: [looking around] Um, are you sure it's safe for us to be up here?
Gonzo: Scrooge is saved. What can happen now?
Rizzo the Rat: Yeah.
[Scrooge opens the window, knocking Rizzo and "Mr. Dickens" off the ledge]
Robert Marley: You will be haunted by three spirits.
Ebenezer Scrooge: Haunted? I've already had enough of that.
Jacob Marley: Without these visits, you cannot hope to avoid the path we tread.
Robert Marley: Expect the first ghost tonight, when the bell tolls one!
Ebenezer Scrooge: Can't I meet them all at once and get it over with?
Ebenezer Scrooge: Haunted? I've already had enough of that.
Jacob Marley: Without these visits, you cannot hope to avoid the path we tread.
Robert Marley: Expect the first ghost tonight, when the bell tolls one!
Ebenezer Scrooge: Can't I meet them all at once and get it over with?
Kermit the Frog: If you please sir, why open the office tomorrow? Other businesses will be closed; there'll be no one to do business with. It'll waste a lot of expensive coal for the fire!
Rats: Yeah!
Ebenezer Scrooge: It's a poor excuse for picking a man's pocket every December the 25th. But as I seem to be the only man who knows that... take the day off.
Rats: Yeah!
Ebenezer Scrooge: It's a poor excuse for picking a man's pocket every December the 25th. But as I seem to be the only man who knows that... take the day off.
Belle: [as they sit together] Another year before our wedding, Ebenezer.
Young Scrooge: Well, it can't be helped, Belle. How could we marry now? There's not even enough for a decent home. The investments haven't grown as they should.
Belle: So you said last year.
Young Scrooge: Business continues to be poor.
Belle: You're a partner in your own firm now.
Young Scrooge: And barely clearing expenses.
Belle: You said the partnership was the goal.
Young Scrooge: This is for you.
[turns to Belle]
Young Scrooge: I love you, Belle.
Belle: You did once.
Young Scrooge: Well, it can't be helped, Belle. How could we marry now? There's not even enough for a decent home. The investments haven't grown as they should.
Belle: So you said last year.
Young Scrooge: Business continues to be poor.
Belle: You're a partner in your own firm now.
Young Scrooge: And barely clearing expenses.
Belle: You said the partnership was the goal.
Young Scrooge: This is for you.
[turns to Belle]
Young Scrooge: I love you, Belle.
Belle: You did once.
Fozziwig: Belle, you know, I love these annual Christmas parties. I love 'em so much, I think we'll do it twice a year!
Young Scrooge: [brushing past Belle and Fozziwig] Excuse me.
[he sees Belle and is instantly attracted]
Young Scrooge: Oh... Excuse me.
Fozziwig: Oh, Master Scrooge! Belle, I'd like you to meet Mr. Ebenezer Scrooge... the finest young financial mind in the city! Ebenezer, this is Belle! A friend of the Fozziwig family.
Belle: I'm pleased to meet you.
[she offers her hand, Scrooge kisses it]
Fozziwig: Well, I'm glad you two finally met.
Young Scrooge: [brushing past Belle and Fozziwig] Excuse me.
[he sees Belle and is instantly attracted]
Young Scrooge: Oh... Excuse me.
Fozziwig: Oh, Master Scrooge! Belle, I'd like you to meet Mr. Ebenezer Scrooge... the finest young financial mind in the city! Ebenezer, this is Belle! A friend of the Fozziwig family.
Belle: I'm pleased to meet you.
[she offers her hand, Scrooge kisses it]
Fozziwig: Well, I'm glad you two finally met.
