The Man with Two Brains Quotes
Steve Martin comedy about brain transplantation.
Little Girl: Sounds like a subdural hematoma to me.
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: Oh, it does, does it? Well, it's not your job to diagnose.
Little Girl: But I thought...
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: You thought, you thought. Just go. Three years of nursery school and you think you know it all. Well, you're still wet behind the ears. It's not a subdural hematoma. It's *epidural*. Ha.
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: Oh, it does, does it? Well, it's not your job to diagnose.
Little Girl: But I thought...
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: You thought, you thought. Just go. Three years of nursery school and you think you know it all. Well, you're still wet behind the ears. It's not a subdural hematoma. It's *epidural*. Ha.
Anne Uumellmahaye: I don't think there's a girl floating in any jar anywhere who's as happy as I am. Michael, you do so much for me, and I do nothing for you.
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: Are you out of your head?
[He winces]
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: Sorry, I forgot. As far as I'm concerned, you're the most complete woman I've ever known. All my life, I wanted women with great bodies, women who were "Tens." Now, for the first time, I'm aroused by a mind.
[He gazes lovingly at the brain in the jar]
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: Are you out of your head?
[He winces]
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: Sorry, I forgot. As far as I'm concerned, you're the most complete woman I've ever known. All my life, I wanted women with great bodies, women who were "Tens." Now, for the first time, I'm aroused by a mind.
[He gazes lovingly at the brain in the jar]
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: Little girl.
Little Girl: Yes sir.
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: I want you to do something very important, alright?
Little Girl: OK.
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: I want you to run home and I want you to call the E.R. of North Bank General Hospital, 932-1000. Tell them to set up OR6 immediately and contact anesthesiologist Isadore Turek 472-2112 beep 12. Have him send an ambulance with a paramedic crew, light IV, D5NW-KVO. You got it?
Little Girl: E.R. North Bank General Hospital 932-1000. Setup OR6. Contact anesthesiologist Isadore Turek 472-2112 beep 12. Ambulance with paramedics and light IV, D5NW and KVO.
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: That's good.
Little Girl: Sounds like a subdural hematoma to me.
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: Oh it does, does it? Well, it's not your job to diagnose!
Little Girl: But I thought...
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: You thought, you thought... just go! Three years of nursery school and you think you know it all. Well you're still wet behind the ears. It's not subdural hematoma, it's epidural! Ha! God damn that makes me mad!
Little Girl: Yes sir.
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: I want you to do something very important, alright?
Little Girl: OK.
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: I want you to run home and I want you to call the E.R. of North Bank General Hospital, 932-1000. Tell them to set up OR6 immediately and contact anesthesiologist Isadore Turek 472-2112 beep 12. Have him send an ambulance with a paramedic crew, light IV, D5NW-KVO. You got it?
Little Girl: E.R. North Bank General Hospital 932-1000. Setup OR6. Contact anesthesiologist Isadore Turek 472-2112 beep 12. Ambulance with paramedics and light IV, D5NW and KVO.
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: That's good.
Little Girl: Sounds like a subdural hematoma to me.
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: Oh it does, does it? Well, it's not your job to diagnose!
Little Girl: But I thought...
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: You thought, you thought... just go! Three years of nursery school and you think you know it all. Well you're still wet behind the ears. It's not subdural hematoma, it's epidural! Ha! God damn that makes me mad!
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: [Dr. Hfuhruhurr has driven them to his house, where Ramon and the housekeeper are on the porch, smiling happily to welcome the bride] There it is, darling. Your new home. The House of Hfuhruhurr.
Dolores: What are those assholes doing on the porch?
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: Those aren't assholes. It's pronounced *azaleas*.
Dolores: What are those assholes doing on the porch?
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: Those aren't assholes. It's pronounced *azaleas*.
[the scientists pull up in a car in front of a modern condominium building]
Dr. Necessiter: What's the matter?
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: Oh, you have to forgive me. It's just that, being here in Austria, meeting a scientist with your interests, I half expected your laboratory to be in a castle, not a condo.
Dr. Necessiter: [Dr. Necessiter opens his room with his key and swings the door wide open] You mean like this?
[His place is decorated with rough rock walls and flagstone floors, candles and candelabras, an interior drawbridge, wing chairs, hanging banners, and the like]
Dr. Necessiter: What's the matter?
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: Oh, you have to forgive me. It's just that, being here in Austria, meeting a scientist with your interests, I half expected your laboratory to be in a castle, not a condo.
Dr. Necessiter: [Dr. Necessiter opens his room with his key and swings the door wide open] You mean like this?
[His place is decorated with rough rock walls and flagstone floors, candles and candelabras, an interior drawbridge, wing chairs, hanging banners, and the like]
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: Would you read that back to me? I'm afraid that might make me sound pompous to your readers.
Olsen: 'My brilliant research in brain transplantation is unsurpassed, and will probably make my name live beyond eternity'.
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: Well, that's all right. Take out the 'probably'. It makes me sound wishy-washy.
Olsen: 'My brilliant research in brain transplantation is unsurpassed, and will probably make my name live beyond eternity'.
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: Well, that's all right. Take out the 'probably'. It makes me sound wishy-washy.
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: What are they saying?
Dr. Conrad: They are just saying 'murmur, murmur, murmur.'
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: You mean it's just sort of a general murmur?
Dr. Conrad: Yeah. Murmur.
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: Oh.
[to the crowd]
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: You may *murmur* all you like.
Crowd: [distinctly] Murmur, murmur, murmur, murmur, murmur.
Dr. Conrad: They are just saying 'murmur, murmur, murmur.'
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: You mean it's just sort of a general murmur?
Dr. Conrad: Yeah. Murmur.
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: Oh.
[to the crowd]
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: You may *murmur* all you like.
Crowd: [distinctly] Murmur, murmur, murmur, murmur, murmur.
[first lines]
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: [in surgery] Check the art line. You're hyperventilating the patient.
Anaestheseologist: No doctor.
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: Ready the bone wax. Metzenbaum scissors.
Surgery Nurse: Metzenbaum scissors.
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: [meowing] Get that cat out of here.
Anaestheseologist: Yes sir.
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: Ready to close. Remove the Wietlander Retractor.
Surgery Nurse: Pre-closure doctor.
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: Remove the rating clip, for God's sake!
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: [in surgery] Check the art line. You're hyperventilating the patient.
Anaestheseologist: No doctor.
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: Ready the bone wax. Metzenbaum scissors.
Surgery Nurse: Metzenbaum scissors.
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: [meowing] Get that cat out of here.
Anaestheseologist: Yes sir.
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: Ready to close. Remove the Wietlander Retractor.
Surgery Nurse: Pre-closure doctor.
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: Remove the rating clip, for God's sake!
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: You. You're the elevator killer. Merv Griffin.
Merv Griffin: Yeah.
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: Why?
Merv Griffin: I don't know. I've always just loved to kill. I really enjoyed it. But then I got famous, and - it's just too hard for me. And so many witnesses. I mean, *everybody* recognized me. I couldn't even lurk anymore. I'd hear, "Who's that lurking over there? Isn't that Merv Griffin?" So I came to Europe to kill. And it's really worked out very well for me.
Merv Griffin: Yeah.
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: Why?
Merv Griffin: I don't know. I've always just loved to kill. I really enjoyed it. But then I got famous, and - it's just too hard for me. And so many witnesses. I mean, *everybody* recognized me. I couldn't even lurk anymore. I'd hear, "Who's that lurking over there? Isn't that Merv Griffin?" So I came to Europe to kill. And it's really worked out very well for me.
Olsen: Doctor, were you interested in science as a child?
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: I don't know if I was interested so much in the science as I was in the slime that goes along with it. Snakes and frogs. When I saw how slimy the human brain was, I knew that's what I wanted to do with the rest of my life.
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: I don't know if I was interested so much in the science as I was in the slime that goes along with it. Snakes and frogs. When I saw how slimy the human brain was, I knew that's what I wanted to do with the rest of my life.
