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Two British soldiers in India decide to resign from the Army and set themselves up as deities in Kafiristan--a land where no white man has set foot since Alexander.
Daniel Dravot: Peachy, I'm heartily ashamed for gettin' you killed instead of going home rich like you deserved to, on account of me bein' so bleedin' high and bloody mighty. Can you forgive me? Peachy Carnehan: That I can and that I do, Danny, free and full and without let or hindrance. Daniel Dravot: Everything's all right then.
Daniel Dravot: Now listen to me you benighted muckers. We're going to teach you soldiering. The world's noblest profession. When we're done with you, you'll be able to slaughter your enemies like civilized men.
Billy Fish: He wants to know if you are gods. Peachy Carnehan: Not gods - Englishmen. The next best thing.
Daniel Dravot: The more tribes, the more they'll fight, and the better for us.
[speaking to Billy Fish in Kafiri] Billy Fish: Ootah say take your pick. He have twenty three daughters. Danny: Those are his daughters? Why the dirty old beggar! Peachy Carnehan: Now, now Danny. Different countries, different ways. He's only being hospitable according to his lights. Billy, tell him one's as pretty as the next and we cannot choose. [Billy translates; Ootah replies in Kafiri] Billy Fish: Ootah say he also have twenty sons if you be liking boys. Peachy Carnehan: [angrily] Tell him he makes my gorge rise; tell him! Danny: Now Peachy, different countries, different ways. Tell Ootah we have vowed not to take a woman until all his enemies are vanquished.
[One of Ootah's daughters is trying to seduce Peachy] Peachy Carnehan: Danny, let us seek safety on the battlefield.
Billy Fish: [On being offered a horse to escape the lost battle] Gurkha is foot soldier, not cavalry.
Danny: You mean he's piled up a fortune of sixty cows out of her infidelities? Billy Fish: And thirty-two goats. Danny: She ain't a wife, she's a going concern!
Peachy Carnehan: Danny's only a man. But he break wind at both ends simultaneous - which is more, I reckon, than any god can do.
Daniel Dravot, Peachy Carnehan: God's holy trousers!
Daniel Dravot: You are going to become soldiers. A soldier does not think. He only obeys. Do you really think that if a soldier thought twice he'd give his life for queen and country? Not bloody likely.
Billy Fish: I oft times tell Ootah about Englishmens. How they give names to dogs and take off hats to womans, and march into battle, left - right, left -right with rifles on their shoulders.
Peachy Carnehan: Now, the problem is, how to divide five Afghans from three mules and have two Englishmen left over.
Daniel Dravot: [admiring Roxanne, while a worried Peachy looks on] Just looking, Peachy. There's such a thing as admiring beauty for its own sake. Peachy Carnehan: [sharply] Being only human, one thing leads to another.
Peachy Carnehan: They're savages here, one and all. Leave 'em to go back to slaughterin' babes, and playin' stickball with each other's heads, and pissin' on their neighbors.
Peachy Carnehan: What's he saying, Billy? Billy Fish: Danny's bleeding. They know! He says not god, not devil, but man! Peachy Carnehan: [approaches Danny] They've twigged it, Danny. You've had it! The jig's up! Daniel Dravot: [grabs arrow and raises hand in proclamation] I, Sikander - Peachy Carnehan: [cuts off Danny] For God's sake! Peachy Carnehan: [grabs Danny and leads him down the temple stairs] We've got to brass it out, Danny. Danny, brass it out! Peachy Carnehan: [Danny, Peachy and Billy Fish try to escape the mob with heads held high] Bags of swank! Daniel Dravot: [Danny, Peachy and Billy Fish on the run] We'll get your riflemen, Peachy, and we'll come back and slaughter the dogs! A drenching in their own blood we'll give them! Riflemen, prepare to advance! Peachy Carnehan: [grabs rifles] Too many for that, Danny. Retire in sections! Daniel Dravot: Retire? Retire be damned! Peachy Carnehan: We've gotta make a run for it!
Peachy Carnehan: It took him half an hour to fall.
Peachy Carnehan: Keep looking at me. It helps to keep my soul from flying off.
Danny: You mortals wait down there!
Daniel Dravot: In any place where they fight, a man who knows how to drill men can always be a King. We shall go to those parts and say to any King we find - "D'you want to vanquish your foes?' and we will show him how to drill men; for that we know better than anything else. Then we will subvert that King and seize his Throne and establish a Dynasty.
Peachy Carnehan: I've come back. Give me a drink, Brother Kipling. Don't you know me? Rudyard Kipling: No. I don't know you. Who are you? What can I do for you? Peachy Carnehan: I told you; give me a drink. It was all settled right here in this office. Remember? Danny and Me signed a contract, and you witnessed it. You stood over there. I stood there, and Daniel stood here. Remember? Rudyard Kipling: Carnehan! Peachy Carnehan: Peachy Toliver Carnehan. Peachy Carnehan: Of course. Peachy Carnehan: Keep looking at me. It helps to keep my soul from flying off. Rudyard Kipling: Carnehan. Peachy Carnehan: The same - and not the same, who sat besides you in the first class carriage, on the train to Marwar Junction, three summers and a thousand years ago.
Daniel Dravot: You have our permission to bugger off!
Daniel Dravot: The slut bit me!
Daniel Dravot: Billy Fish, do they always use such a big ball? Billy Fish: Depend on size of man's head. Big head, big ball, small head, small ball. That Bashki man. Oh big damn head.
Daniel Dravot: Let him put *that* in his paper. If he is in need of news.
Peachy Carnehan: Pardon me while I fall down laughing. HA, HA, HA.
Peachy Carnehan: Home to what? A porters uniform outside a restaurant and six penny tips from belching civilians for closing cab doors on their blowzy women? Daniel Dravot: Not for us thank you. Not after watching afghans come howling down out of the hills and taking battlefield command when all the officers copped it. Peachy Carnehan: Well said, brother Dravot.
Peachy Carnehan: Detriments you call us? Detriments? Well I want to remind you that it was detriments like us that built this bloody Empire AND the Izzat of the bloody Raj. Hats on.
Peachy Carnehan: I have urgent business to the South.