The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson Quotes

Making a satire out of the entire Late Night Show concept Scotsman Craig Ferguson hosts his show with a robot skeleton and a "horse" as his sidekicks. The show features the stereotypical parts of a Late Show, but all in their own, raw way.

Craig Ferguson: [referring to Halloween or Friday the 13th] Just a warning: If you're a bunch of sexy teenagers at a lake where other sexy teenagers were killed 30 years ago, leave! The guy in the forest with a hockey mask... maybe doesn't play hockey.
Craig Ferguson: I don't like the whole blowing the candles out ritual... blowing their germs all over the cake. If I want to catch something on my birthday. I don't want it to be from the cake. If you know what I'm saying...
Craig Ferguson: Self help books are pointless. Here's something for you... Men are from Mars, women are from Venus, and self help books are from Uranus.
Craig Ferguson: Wait! Don't applaud my cheapness! I've got other crap I need help with!
Craig Ferguson: People sometimes say to me: "Craig, get out of my garden."
[Discussing the snake in the Garden of Eden]
Craig Ferguson: You know, I think there's a good rule of thumb here: Don't take nutritional advice from other species.
Craig Ferguson: Ocean's 13 is all about cool people having a good time, and who doesn't want to see that? Well YOU, apparantly, 'cause you're watching me.
Craig Ferguson: [Referring to Smokey the Bear] Kids: If a bear is wearing a ranger hat, it's because he ate the ranger!
Craig Ferguson: [an e-mailer asked Craig why he doesn't grow a beard] I have a beard. Just not on my face...
Craig Ferguson: I KNOW that's not the right accent, but I can't DO the right accent. It's either the wrong accent or another Octomom joke.
Craig Ferguson: I only like sports that Bond villains played.
Craig Ferguson: What we DO have is nothin' but time. Welcome to the "Shawshank Redemption" of late night!
Craig Ferguson: Welcome back, my cheeky wee monkeys.
Craig Ferguson: [repeated line, at the start of the monologues] It is a great day for America, and I'll tell you why.
Craig Ferguson: You know, where I come from, an antique, to be called an antique, it has to be at least a hundred years old. That's a law: before you can call something an antique, it has to be a hundred years old. In L.A., something that's been around for a couple of weeks is an antique. It's true! People are like, "Look at this old-fashioned iPod. Look at this! It's the size of a man's hand! Ha ha ha ha. Back then-back then, people thought Mel Gibson was just acting crazy. It was a very different time."
[after using a swear word in a monologue, which is censored]
Craig Ferguson: They know what I'm saying, why don't you JUST LET ME SAY IT?
[Craig is greeting the audience]
Craig Ferguson: Relax, you're among friends now. The long hard day is over and the roly-poly funny man is before you.
[Craig is comparing two coffee mugs]
Craig Ferguson: You notice, this cup is bigger than that cup. It's like a BRA!
Craig Ferguson: I look forward to your letters
[insert name or group]
Craig Ferguson: .
Craig Ferguson: [holding up a black and white headshot of a guest] He's in black and white here, but he'll be in color when he comes out.
Craig Ferguson: He's German so he's Herr Ball. Herr Ball. His movies are so bad, cats choke when they hear his name.
Craig Ferguson: We don't hate giraffes here, we just put them in their place.
Craig Ferguson: I can't live by your rules, man!
Craig Ferguson: That's not really wrestling. That's just throwing a snake.
[repeated line]
Craig Ferguson: Come to my house!
Craig Ferguson: I enjoy bathing, as many Europeans don't.
[repeated line]
Craig Ferguson: [at the end of jokes] Remind you of anyone?
[signature repeated line, at the end of some jokes]
Craig Ferguson: I know!
Craig Ferguson: [On '70s-era Scottish porn] The sexy magazine in Britain in that time was called Club International. Club International: It was about as international as the International House of Pancakes. It should have been called Naked Cockney Girls with Scurvy.
[signature repeated line, at the end of some starting jokes]
Craig Ferguson: You too, ladies!
Craig Ferguson: Even a chameleon needs the proper amount of suction.
[Commenting on the studio audience's upbeat reaction to his downbeat material]
Craig Ferguson: So it's a round of applause for stabbing myself in the testicle, FAILING, and the start of World War One!
Craig Ferguson: Big props to my homie Mos Def.
Craig Ferguson: It's a great day for America, everybody! It's Monday, woo.
Craig Ferguson: I know what you're thinking: yet another late night talk show host accusing Neil Sedaka of being a war criminal.
[signature repeated line, at the end of some jokes]
Craig Ferguson: Call me, _celebrity name_.
[repeated line]
Geoff Petersen: In your pants!
[repeated line]
Geoff Petersen: Balls!
[Craig is doing a "live rerun" that he claims is from September 4, 2007, about two years earlier. He has just read an email in which a viewer suggested Craig join a "crazy religion" to fit in with Hollywood. Craig pulls out his rattlesnake cup]
Craig Ferguson: Actually, it's now I want to talk to you about Snakeism. A few years ago - about September the 4th, 2007 - I got involved with a cult. And I'm still in them. We believe that snakes are awesome, and it's... cool to be strict with your pets.
Craig Ferguson: [laughing] And that's all we believe in!

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