The Incredible Burt Wonderstone

The Incredible Burt Wonderstone Quotes

A veteran Vegas magician tries to revive his career after his longtime partner quits, he gets fired from his casino act, and an edgy new "street magician" steals his thunder.

Jane: [after Gray burns his skin for a trick] That is a terrible trick to do for children. What if they try and copy you?
Steve Gray: I'll sue them. It's my trick.
Burt Wonderstone: Are you a lesbian, Nicole?
Jane: Is every woman who doesn't sleep with you a lesbian?
Burt Wonderstone: Oh, no, I have slept with plenty of lesbians.
Steve Gray: I take people's nightmares and turn them into dream-realities.
Rance Holloway: What the fuck is a dream-reality?
Burt Wonderstone: Do you think this batch is ready?
Anton Marvelton: I don't know. Check it.
[Burt takes the lid off the pot and they immediately fall to the floor; after a few moments they stand up and approach the pot]
Burt Wonderstone: Do you think this batch is ready?
Anton Marvelton: I don't know. Check it.
[Burt takes the lid off the pot and they immediately fall to the floor again]
Burt Wonderstone: [dismissive of Gray's "magic" act] Let me tell you about Steve Gray. All that guy does is mumble and cut himself. Anybody can do that. My niece does that.
Burt Wonderstone: Anton, what could possibly go wrong?
Anton Marvelton: Somebody could die, we can go to prison.
Burt Wonderstone: See? When you say it out loud, it doesn't sound so bad.
Doug Munny: [asking Burt and Anton to update their act] You've been doing the same shit since I hired you. You even come on stage to that same god damn song.
Burt Wonderstone: It's called "Abracadabra", and it is considered a modern classic.
Doug Munny: It's shit.
Jane: I had imaginary friends, and even they were mean.
Jane: [Burt and Jane visit Rance in the hospital] What happened?
Rance Holloway: I had a stroke. I don't recommend it, either. It's not as much fun as they tell you in the brochure.
Burt Wonderstone: What the hell is a webisode?
Rick the Implausible: Are you being serious? What's a webisode? It's... it's a show that you do on the internet, just like being on TV or having a movie except you don't go... through... you know all the hassle of... people seeing it.
Burt Wonderstone: [Wonderstone confronts Gray in a bar] Mr. Gray. What you do is not magic. It is monkey porn.
Steve Gray: I understand. It's natural for a dying leaf to be frightened by the autumn wind.
Rance Holloway: [watching Steve Gray perform] This is what they call magic these days? This is some kind of terrible shit!
Steve Gray: Pretend I'm still here and tell me all about it.
Rance Holloway: God damn! That's the worst thing I ever saw in my life. And I saw my kids being born!
Rance Holloway: I quit the business, I don't read the trades and I'm late for my coma.
[shooting his cable series, Steve Gray has taunted an audience member into punching him in the face]
Anton Marvelton: Jesus. Was that guy a plant?
Burt Wonderstone: That looked like a real punch.
Burt Wonderstone: Now this is a classic.
Steve Gray: Meaning: it's been done.
Burt Wonderstone: Can I ask you something?
Rance Holloway: If you feel you should.
[after splitting with Anton, Burt tries to do their act by himself]
Doug Munny: That was shit! That was shit! That was shit!
Burt Wonderstone: I thought it went pretty damn well.
Doug Munny: It was a train wreck!
Steve Gray: Your skin makes me cry.
Burt Wonderstone: [landing on Anton after falling out of the Hot Box] Ow, your face caught me right in the knee.
Burt Wonderstone: [for a trick, Steve Gray put a puppy in Burt's pants] He put a dog in my pants, Jane.
Jane: I know.
Burt Wonderstone: No one's ever done that to me before.
Jane: I... hope not.
Burt Wonderstone: He was teething!
Burt Wonderstone: The life of a child magician.
Jane: Yes. Try being a girl child magician. They called me Magic Bitch.

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