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Three women who have been driven mad by pioneer life are to be transported across the country by covered wagon by the pious, independent-minded Mary Bee Cuddy, who in turn employs low-life drifter George Briggs to assist her.
Mary Bee Cuddy: You are a poor specimen of a man, Vester Belknap!
Mary Bee Cuddy: I live uncommonly alone.
George Briggs: Are you an angel? Mary Bee Cuddy: You're not dead. George Briggs: Help me. Will you help me? For God's sake.
Tabitha Hutchinson: Who is Mary Bee Cuddy? George Briggs: Mary Bee Cuddy was as fine a woman as ever walked. You'll never know her. Tabitha Hutchinson: Well then, so what? George Briggs: Oh. You are the living breathing reason she will never be lost. That's what I'm talkin'. Tabitha Hutchinson: You're a strange man. George Briggs: I expect I am. Why don't we marry? Tabitha Hutchinson: Maybe.
Mary Bee Cuddy: If you lied to me, and intend on abandoning your responsibility, then you are a man of low character, more disgusting pig than honorable man. George Briggs: Thank you for the kind words, sister. You're no prize yourself. You're plain as an old tin pail and you're bossy.
[first lines] Mary Bee Cuddy: [prodding plow horses] Come on, girls.
Mary Bee Cuddy: Perhaps you don't realize what a grand thing you're doing taking these poor, helpless women home. If you don't, I assure you, I do. This might be the finest, most generous act of your life.
George Briggs: Your mothers and your sisters and your wives and your daughters will curse your broke-dick souls.
Reverend Dowd: I can help you with them dishes. Mary Bee Cuddy: I don't want any help with the dishes.
George Briggs: You're gonna meet three kinds of people out here. You're gonna meet wagon trains that don't want to see crazy people. You're gonna meet freighters who will surely rape you. And you're gonna meet Indians who will kill you, and then rape you after they kill me.
Mary Bee Cuddy: Why not marry? Bob Giffin: Miss Cuddy, I appreciate the offer, and the supper, the concert and all. But I cannot marry you. Will not, won't. I ain't perfect, but you are too bossy. And too damn plain!
[repeated line] Garn Sours: You don't love me!
Mary Bee Cuddy: I will not sit still for profanity in my house. George Briggs: I can see why you're single.
Thor Svendsen: Open the wagon!
Mary Bee Cuddy: What do they want? George Briggs: Whatever we got. If they think we're worth the trouble, we're dead. Something happens to me, you get in the wagon. You shoot the women in the head then shoot yourself.
Mary Bee Cuddy: Swear to that almighty God you been talking about. George Briggs: Uh... Vengeance is mine, sayeth the Lord. And bringing in sheaves. And do unto others. And if you cut me down from this Goddamn tree, I'll do anything you tell me to on God's holy name. Mary Bee Cuddy: All right, I'll save you. I got a job of work for you.
Thor Svendsen: [on his crazy wife] She thinks she's God.
Reverend Dowd: You are a good citizen, Mary Bee.
George Briggs: You lost one horse, Cuddy, here's you another one. Mary Bee Cuddy: Where'd you get this horse? George Briggs: A man let us have him. Mary Bee Cuddy: Why would he do that? George Briggs: 'Cause he was dead. Miss Sours shot 'im.
George Briggs: You ever know a woman by the name of Mary Bee Cuddy? Tabitha Hutchinson: No, sir. Who is Mary Bee Cuddy? George Briggs: Mary Bee Cuddy is as fine a woman as ever walked.
George Briggs: Now, if you don't mind me asking you, where the hell is my goddamn bed? Mary Bee Cuddy: In the stable, where you belong.
George Briggs: Three crazy women for five weeks is a lot more than I bargained for.
Aloysius Duffy: [after getting shot in the foot] Son-of-a-bitch!