The Faculty Quotes
Students suspect that their teachers are aliens after bizarre occurrences.
Marybeth: You know in my world Casey, there were limitless oceans as far as the eye could see. Beautiful, huh? Till it started to dry out. So I escaped, came here, and I met you, all of you, and all of you were different from the others. You were lost and lonely, just like me. And I thought that maybe I could give you a taste of my world. A world without anger, without fear, without attitude. Where the underachiever goes home at night to parents who care. The jock can be smart, the ugly duckling beautiful, and the class wuss doesn't have to live in terror. The new girl - well - the new girl she can just fit right in with anybody. People who are just like her. You see Casey, even Mary-Beth's feelings can be hurt by a bunch of pathetic, lost, little outcasts who truly believe that their disaffected lonely life is the only way they can survive. I can make you a part of something so special Casey, so perfect, so fearless... Don't you want that, Casey?
Casey: I'd rather be afraid!
Marybeth: Fine. Alright. Have it your way! 'Cause this is where your land of fiction gets it right: we win. End of story!
Casey: I'd rather be afraid!
Marybeth: Fine. Alright. Have it your way! 'Cause this is where your land of fiction gets it right: we win. End of story!
Zeke: Here, take this.
Casey: Now Marybeth.
Zeke: Sniff it.
Casey: You're out of your fucking mind!
Zeke: I'm about to take my chances. I leave for five minutes, and when I come back everyone's a fucking alien. Now, if I have to Men In Black your ass, you're gonna fucking take it!
[Casey sniffs it hasefuly]
Casey: Happy now?
Casey: Now Marybeth.
Zeke: Sniff it.
Casey: You're out of your fucking mind!
Zeke: I'm about to take my chances. I leave for five minutes, and when I come back everyone's a fucking alien. Now, if I have to Men In Black your ass, you're gonna fucking take it!
[Casey sniffs it hasefuly]
Casey: Happy now?
Zeke: Hello Miss Burke!
Miss Burke: Hello sweety pie, What are you looking for?
Zeke: Ah, nothing important. So maybe you changed your mind about the chocolate laxatives?
Miss Burke: Actually I had my heart set on something cherry flavored, if you know what I mean.
Zeke: Sorry I'm all outta those but I have something else for you.
Miss Burke: Yes?
Zeke: Oh yeah.
Miss Burke: Something tasty?
Zeke: [softly] Let me hook you up.
Miss Burke: Hello sweety pie, What are you looking for?
Zeke: Ah, nothing important. So maybe you changed your mind about the chocolate laxatives?
Miss Burke: Actually I had my heart set on something cherry flavored, if you know what I mean.
Zeke: Sorry I'm all outta those but I have something else for you.
Miss Burke: Yes?
Zeke: Oh yeah.
Miss Burke: Something tasty?
Zeke: [softly] Let me hook you up.
[Stan wants to quit football to study]
Delilah: You're not good at studying Stan, you're good at football. You should stick to what you're good at.
Stan: Yeah, I've always been good at football, and basketball, and every other sport I've tried. I think maybe it's time I should try something I'm not so good at, something different.
Delilah: And what am I supposed to do while you're on a yellow book quest for a brain?
Stan: What?
Delilah: The accepted social order is that head cheerleaders date star quarterbacks, not academic wannabees.
Stan: Don't be so superficial...
Delilah: Superficial... four syllables, that's really good Stan, you're on your way. Let me know how the cure for cancer goes.
Stan: I was hoping you'd be with me on this...
Delilah: You're not good at studying Stan, you're good at football. You should stick to what you're good at.
Stan: Yeah, I've always been good at football, and basketball, and every other sport I've tried. I think maybe it's time I should try something I'm not so good at, something different.
Delilah: And what am I supposed to do while you're on a yellow book quest for a brain?
Stan: What?
Delilah: The accepted social order is that head cheerleaders date star quarterbacks, not academic wannabees.
Stan: Don't be so superficial...
Delilah: Superficial... four syllables, that's really good Stan, you're on your way. Let me know how the cure for cancer goes.
Stan: I was hoping you'd be with me on this...
Delilah: Hello Casey. Where ya gonna go, huh? The class wuss... eternal little loser who comes to school everyday knowing this is it. You've been labeled 'pathetic' since first grade and you're afraid it's going to bleed over for the rest of your life. Well we can stop it Casey. We can help you belong. Isn't that what you really want?
Casey: Please don't do this Delilah.
Delilah: I haven't been this happy since... since... before my dad died. You know you want me Casey. Come on. Let's do it together.
Casey: Please don't do this Delilah.
Delilah: I haven't been this happy since... since... before my dad died. You know you want me Casey. Come on. Let's do it together.
Marybeth: What happens at the end of all those stories, Stokely? How does Invasion of the Body Snatchers turn out?
Stokely: They get us. They win. We lose.
Marybeth: Maybe we really win, I mean Stan didn't look unhappy.
Stokely: That's because that wasn't Stan, they took away who he was.
Marybeth: Maybe they just bettered who he was. Cleared away his confusion. I know you pride yourself on being the outsider, but aren't you tired of pretending to be something you're not? I know I am.
Stokely: They get us. They win. We lose.
Marybeth: Maybe we really win, I mean Stan didn't look unhappy.
Stokely: That's because that wasn't Stan, they took away who he was.
Marybeth: Maybe they just bettered who he was. Cleared away his confusion. I know you pride yourself on being the outsider, but aren't you tired of pretending to be something you're not? I know I am.
Miss Burke: Zeke, you cannot conduct personal business on school property.
[Zeke sits down on his car]
Zeke: Well, Miss Burke, we have a problem because I'm sitting on my car and that's my property.
Miss Burke: Well I've had complaints from several students that you've sold them mind-altering substances. Now do you wanna talk to me about it, or take it up with Principal Drake?
Zeke: You're too tense, Miss Burke. But I've got just the thing for ya.
Miss Burke: You know, Zeke, I am the authority figure here, it's time you realized that.
Zeke: Helps relief from blockage caused by dietary stress: Chocolate flavored laxatives.
Miss Burke: You know Zeke, if you applied just 5 percent of that intellect to your studies...
Zeke: Not a chocolate lover, huh?
Miss Burke: ...you could've made up your finals last summer and you wouldn't have had to repeat your senior year.
Zeke: Not a chocolate lover, huh? How about this: Condoms. Magnum Sized. And they're cherry flavored. C'mon... they're on me.
Miss Burke: That's so rude.
[Zeke sits down on his car]
Zeke: Well, Miss Burke, we have a problem because I'm sitting on my car and that's my property.
Miss Burke: Well I've had complaints from several students that you've sold them mind-altering substances. Now do you wanna talk to me about it, or take it up with Principal Drake?
Zeke: You're too tense, Miss Burke. But I've got just the thing for ya.
Miss Burke: You know, Zeke, I am the authority figure here, it's time you realized that.
Zeke: Helps relief from blockage caused by dietary stress: Chocolate flavored laxatives.
Miss Burke: You know Zeke, if you applied just 5 percent of that intellect to your studies...
Zeke: Not a chocolate lover, huh?
Miss Burke: ...you could've made up your finals last summer and you wouldn't have had to repeat your senior year.
Zeke: Not a chocolate lover, huh? How about this: Condoms. Magnum Sized. And they're cherry flavored. C'mon... they're on me.
Miss Burke: That's so rude.
Stan: Come on guys, this is nuts.
Delilah: Then leave, Stan. Why are you hanging around? Go win a Pulitzer.
Stan: Blow me, Delilah, 'cause I'm sick of you're shit.
Delilah: Well, then get the fuck out of here and take your little freak dyke with you.
Stokely: Fuck you, tit bags!
Casey: Will everybody calm down, please?
Delilah: Then leave, Stan. Why are you hanging around? Go win a Pulitzer.
Stan: Blow me, Delilah, 'cause I'm sick of you're shit.
Delilah: Well, then get the fuck out of here and take your little freak dyke with you.
Stokely: Fuck you, tit bags!
Casey: Will everybody calm down, please?
Delilah: Don't you just love how Stokely accessorize with different shades of black?
Stokely: Fuck you gutter-slut.
Delilah: I don't know why you keep being such a bad example for your people.
Marybeth: What people?
Delilah: I hope you're not a violent lesbian like your new found friend, here?
Marybeth: No, I'm not aware of any lesbianism in my lineage.
Delilah: That's too bad Stokely, guess you have to keep looking for Ms Right.
Stokely: Bipolar bitch.
Stokely: Fuck you gutter-slut.
Delilah: I don't know why you keep being such a bad example for your people.
Marybeth: What people?
Delilah: I hope you're not a violent lesbian like your new found friend, here?
Marybeth: No, I'm not aware of any lesbianism in my lineage.
Delilah: That's too bad Stokely, guess you have to keep looking for Ms Right.
Stokely: Bipolar bitch.
Stan: Coach, I've been thinking ahead, and I've decided to quit the team and concentrate on my academics.
Coach Willis: Okay. Stan we'll miss you.
Stan: That's it?
Coach Willis: What do you want me to say? My star quarterback comes to me the day before we play in front of the county in the only team in the district that can kick our ass tells me he doesn't want to play. You seem to be going through some life defining turning point and I'm not going to stand in the way of the human condition. You do what you have to do.
Stan: Thanks for not reading me, Coach.
Coach Willis: What kind of human being would I be if I did that?
Coach Willis: Okay. Stan we'll miss you.
Stan: That's it?
Coach Willis: What do you want me to say? My star quarterback comes to me the day before we play in front of the county in the only team in the district that can kick our ass tells me he doesn't want to play. You seem to be going through some life defining turning point and I'm not going to stand in the way of the human condition. You do what you have to do.
Stan: Thanks for not reading me, Coach.
Coach Willis: What kind of human being would I be if I did that?
Zeke: Not today. It's too damn hot, and I got zero fucking tolerance.
Miss Burke: Eat me, you asshole! I'm the one with no tolerance, you pathetic little runt!
Student: Ouch! Come back.
Zeke: [sarcastic] What are you going to do? Are you going to call my mother?
Miss Burke: And how am I going to do that, little Zekey boy? Do you even know where she is? Europe? Sri Lanka? Japan? I wonder what remote location she went to this week... to hide from her great, big bastard mistake. I've taken your shit for TOO FUCKING LONG you dickless, drug-induced excuse for a human being!
Zeke: Whoa... woman. What are you on?
Miss Burke: "Woman"? Did you just say "woman"? I'm sick of you, little boy! And if I have to see you peddling your little "Wonder Dust" again, I'm gonna shove my foot so far up your ass, you'll be sucking my toes 'till graduation!
[exits]
Zeke: [to himself] Whoa! She got some bad shit!
Miss Burke: Eat me, you asshole! I'm the one with no tolerance, you pathetic little runt!
Student: Ouch! Come back.
Zeke: [sarcastic] What are you going to do? Are you going to call my mother?
Miss Burke: And how am I going to do that, little Zekey boy? Do you even know where she is? Europe? Sri Lanka? Japan? I wonder what remote location she went to this week... to hide from her great, big bastard mistake. I've taken your shit for TOO FUCKING LONG you dickless, drug-induced excuse for a human being!
Zeke: Whoa... woman. What are you on?
Miss Burke: "Woman"? Did you just say "woman"? I'm sick of you, little boy! And if I have to see you peddling your little "Wonder Dust" again, I'm gonna shove my foot so far up your ass, you'll be sucking my toes 'till graduation!
[exits]
Zeke: [to himself] Whoa! She got some bad shit!
Casey: I say we go for the coach. He turned Stan. He's the one. Or do you want to wait for them to come to us?
Marybeth: Either way we're completely unarmed.
Zeke: Maybe not. I might have some more skat. In my trunk.
Casey: In your trunk? In your car? Amongst the aliens? Oh, that's convenient.
Zeke: [Holds up his car keys] You got a better idea?
Marybeth: Either way we're completely unarmed.
Zeke: Maybe not. I might have some more skat. In my trunk.
Casey: In your trunk? In your car? Amongst the aliens? Oh, that's convenient.
Zeke: [Holds up his car keys] You got a better idea?
Zeke: Crusoe was afraid he'd be stuck on the island with nothing but calluses.
Miss Burke: That's not correct Zeke. Isolation was his greatest fear.
Zeke: Yes, but his external existence was in no way compared to his internal agony of the loneliness he felt.
Miss Burke: That's very good.
Zeke: Like I said, calluses.
Miss Burke: That's not correct Zeke. Isolation was his greatest fear.
Zeke: Yes, but his external existence was in no way compared to his internal agony of the loneliness he felt.
Miss Burke: That's very good.
Zeke: Like I said, calluses.
[Zeke gives two students fake ID cards]
F'%# Up #1: Dude, that's not me. Doesn't even look like me
F'%# Up #2: It's 50 bucks right?
F'%# Up #1: Does that look like me?
F'%# Up#2: Uh, it's the new you.
F'%# Up #1: I don't know man. How do we even know these things are gonna work?
Zeke: Trust me man, I'm brilliant.
F'%# Up #1: Then why are you repeating your senior year?
F'%# Up #1: Dude, that's not me. Doesn't even look like me
F'%# Up #2: It's 50 bucks right?
F'%# Up #1: Does that look like me?
F'%# Up#2: Uh, it's the new you.
F'%# Up #1: I don't know man. How do we even know these things are gonna work?
Zeke: Trust me man, I'm brilliant.
F'%# Up #1: Then why are you repeating your senior year?
