The Drew Carey Show Quotes
Drew is an assistant director of personnel in a Cleveland department store and he has been stuck there for ten years. Other than fighting with co-worker Mimi, his hobbies include drinking ... See full summary »
Nigel Wick: Carey, are you familiar with the TV show 'Survivor'?
Drew Carey: Yeah.
Nigel Wick: Good. Today we're going to play the office version of 'Survivor'. Every employee is going to vote for someone who they want to be fired. Whoever gets the most votes, gets fired! Oh, but you can't vote for me, I'm English. I've already been kicked off an island.
Drew Carey: Yeah.
Nigel Wick: Good. Today we're going to play the office version of 'Survivor'. Every employee is going to vote for someone who they want to be fired. Whoever gets the most votes, gets fired! Oh, but you can't vote for me, I'm English. I've already been kicked off an island.
[Mimi kicked Steve out]
Drew Carey: So, where are you staying?
Steve Carey: A hotel.
Drew Carey: You shouldn't be staying in no hotel, you should be staying here.
Steve Carey: Thanks, but if I stay here, Mimi's never gonna let you see your nephew.
Oswald Lee Harvey: Why don't you stay with me and Lewis?
Steve Carey: Really?
Lewis Kiniski: Sure. You clean, you cook, you're like a big, bald Mary Poppins.
Drew Carey: So, where are you staying?
Steve Carey: A hotel.
Drew Carey: You shouldn't be staying in no hotel, you should be staying here.
Steve Carey: Thanks, but if I stay here, Mimi's never gonna let you see your nephew.
Oswald Lee Harvey: Why don't you stay with me and Lewis?
Steve Carey: Really?
Lewis Kiniski: Sure. You clean, you cook, you're like a big, bald Mary Poppins.
Lewis Kiniski: Man, it must be weird thinking you're going to lunch with someone and you end up going to their funeral.
Oswald Lee Harvey: Yeah. The closest things I've ever had to that is when my pet possum died. One minute he was fine, the next, on his back, dead. So I buried him in the backyard. But the weird thing is, the next morning, the grave was empty, and the ghost had taken a dump in my shoe.
Oswald Lee Harvey: Yeah. The closest things I've ever had to that is when my pet possum died. One minute he was fine, the next, on his back, dead. So I buried him in the backyard. But the weird thing is, the next morning, the grave was empty, and the ghost had taken a dump in my shoe.
[Steve and Mimi moved their trailer into Drew's backyard]
Drew Carey: I couldn't sleep last night. The rocking trailer kept me up.
Steve Carey: Oh, sorry.
Drew Carey: And, then, the screaming started.
Steve Carey: What was that?
Drew Carey: That was me, when I realized what was going on in the trailer!
Drew Carey: I couldn't sleep last night. The rocking trailer kept me up.
Steve Carey: Oh, sorry.
Drew Carey: And, then, the screaming started.
Steve Carey: What was that?
Drew Carey: That was me, when I realized what was going on in the trailer!
[Drew and his scouts are singing a "special" song]
Drew Carey: Who's that in the office, stinking up the place? Mimi! Mimi! Your butt looks like your face!
[Drew realizes that he's the only one singing]
Drew Carey: What the hell are you?
Timmy: A good scout never insults people.
Drew Carey: Yeah, but that's thing, Timmy.
[gestures towards Mimi]
Drew Carey: That's not people.
Mimi Bobeck: You know, kids, Drew's head is just like a piñata. If you hit his head enough times when he's sleeping, candy comes out.
[the kids gasp]
Mimi Bobeck: Well, first blood, then candy. Keep hitting.
Drew Carey: Who's that in the office, stinking up the place? Mimi! Mimi! Your butt looks like your face!
[Drew realizes that he's the only one singing]
Drew Carey: What the hell are you?
Timmy: A good scout never insults people.
Drew Carey: Yeah, but that's thing, Timmy.
[gestures towards Mimi]
Drew Carey: That's not people.
Mimi Bobeck: You know, kids, Drew's head is just like a piñata. If you hit his head enough times when he's sleeping, candy comes out.
[the kids gasp]
Mimi Bobeck: Well, first blood, then candy. Keep hitting.
[Lewis's mother just told Drew that Lewis has an I.Q. of 162]
Drew Carey: I'm going to have to tell him. Maybe now, he'll know why he has so much trouble connecting with people. I just hope he takes it well.
[cut to an outside shot of Drew's house]
Lewis Kiniski: BOW DOWN BEFORE MY GIANT BRAIN.
[laughs hysterically]
Drew Carey: I'm going to have to tell him. Maybe now, he'll know why he has so much trouble connecting with people. I just hope he takes it well.
[cut to an outside shot of Drew's house]
Lewis Kiniski: BOW DOWN BEFORE MY GIANT BRAIN.
[laughs hysterically]
[Drew and Oswald accidentally spray Lewis with a liquid that attracts eagles, and run inside]
Lewis Kiniski: Open the door! Open the door, for god's sake!
[the eagle doesn't show up]
Lewis Kiniski: What, I'm not good enough for ya?
Drew Carey: If the eagle didn't show, then what does it attract?
[Lewis is suddenly attacked by a pack of squirrels]
Lewis Kiniski: Help! Help! Let me in!
Drew Carey: You know, I'd run for cover, if I were you.
Lewis Kiniski: Because eagles eat squirrels.
Lewis Kiniski: Open the door! Open the door, for god's sake!
[the eagle doesn't show up]
Lewis Kiniski: What, I'm not good enough for ya?
Drew Carey: If the eagle didn't show, then what does it attract?
[Lewis is suddenly attacked by a pack of squirrels]
Lewis Kiniski: Help! Help! Let me in!
Drew Carey: You know, I'd run for cover, if I were you.
Lewis Kiniski: Because eagles eat squirrels.
[Drew and Kate are about to have sex for the first time]
Drew Carey: I'm a little nervous.
Kate O'Brien: Me, too. In fact, I'm so nervous, I over freshened a little. I hope you really, really, really like spring rain.
Drew Carey: [laughs] Well, this is it.
Kate O'Brien: Yeah. Think about it, this is the definitive moment of our relationship.
Drew Carey: What do you mean?
Kate O'Brien: Well, everything has been going so well, that the only thing that could ruin it is bad sex.
[pause]
Drew Carey: Well, goodbye erection!
Drew Carey: I'm a little nervous.
Kate O'Brien: Me, too. In fact, I'm so nervous, I over freshened a little. I hope you really, really, really like spring rain.
Drew Carey: [laughs] Well, this is it.
Kate O'Brien: Yeah. Think about it, this is the definitive moment of our relationship.
Drew Carey: What do you mean?
Kate O'Brien: Well, everything has been going so well, that the only thing that could ruin it is bad sex.
[pause]
Drew Carey: Well, goodbye erection!
[Drew brings Pastor Lindemann to his office]
Drew Carey: Right over here, Pastor. All right, you can start the exorcism.
[Mimi's back is turned]
Pastor Lindemann: But that's just a woman.
[Mimi turns around and speaks in a hoarse voice]
Mimi Bobeck: What do you want?
Pastor Lindemann: I think we're gonna need a Catholic for this one.
Drew Carey: Right over here, Pastor. All right, you can start the exorcism.
[Mimi's back is turned]
Pastor Lindemann: But that's just a woman.
[Mimi turns around and speaks in a hoarse voice]
Mimi Bobeck: What do you want?
Pastor Lindemann: I think we're gonna need a Catholic for this one.
Lewis Kiniski: Ok, Drew. You need some practice. Pretend I'm Kate.
[takes out a picture of Kate, with the mouth cut off]
Lewis Kiniski: Give it to me, big boy!
[starts making motions with his tongue]
Drew Carey: Uhh, Lewis? Why do you have a picture of Kate with her mouth cut out?
Lewis Kiniski: Oh, don't worry. It's nothing weird. I have one of all of you.
[takes out a picture of Kate, with the mouth cut off]
Lewis Kiniski: Give it to me, big boy!
[starts making motions with his tongue]
Drew Carey: Uhh, Lewis? Why do you have a picture of Kate with her mouth cut out?
Lewis Kiniski: Oh, don't worry. It's nothing weird. I have one of all of you.
Drew Carey: For the next few days, he'll replace my shadow.
[before anybody can talk; points to Kate]
Drew Carey: Yeah, shadow, more like the population of China!
[points to Lewis]
Drew Carey: Yeah, shadow, more like a solar eclipse!
[points to Oswald]
Drew Carey: Yeah, shadow, 'cause you're so fat!
[pause]
Drew Carey: Real original, Oswald.
[before anybody can talk; points to Kate]
Drew Carey: Yeah, shadow, more like the population of China!
[points to Lewis]
Drew Carey: Yeah, shadow, more like a solar eclipse!
[points to Oswald]
Drew Carey: Yeah, shadow, 'cause you're so fat!
[pause]
Drew Carey: Real original, Oswald.
Drew Carey: Lewis, I need you to stop the wedding.
Lewis Kiniski: Okay.
[beat]
Drew Carey: Don't you even want to know why?
Lewis Kiniski: [sagely] Would it have something to do with the fact that Oswald is an immature man-child trapped in a kind of "prolonged adolescence," and that, while at first that appealed to Kate, she now feels she needs someone more challenging to what she perceives as her intellect?
Drew Carey: Wow! How did you know all that?
Lewis Kiniski: Do you believe in Magic Cheese, Drew?
Lewis Kiniski: Okay.
[beat]
Drew Carey: Don't you even want to know why?
Lewis Kiniski: [sagely] Would it have something to do with the fact that Oswald is an immature man-child trapped in a kind of "prolonged adolescence," and that, while at first that appealed to Kate, she now feels she needs someone more challenging to what she perceives as her intellect?
Drew Carey: Wow! How did you know all that?
Lewis Kiniski: Do you believe in Magic Cheese, Drew?
Drew Carey: Say, this burger isn't bad.
Lewis Kiniski: It was created in a test kitchen.
Drew Carey: Test kitchen?
Lewis Kiniski: Oh, I'll need to ask you a few questions. Are you experiencing any side effects?
Drew Carey: You're going to be experiencing some side effects if you don't tell me what's in this burger!
Lewis Kiniski: Mood swings, that's obvious.
Lewis Kiniski: It was created in a test kitchen.
Drew Carey: Test kitchen?
Lewis Kiniski: Oh, I'll need to ask you a few questions. Are you experiencing any side effects?
Drew Carey: You're going to be experiencing some side effects if you don't tell me what's in this burger!
Lewis Kiniski: Mood swings, that's obvious.
Drew Carey: Hey Mr. Wick.
[Points to Mr. Wicks face]
Drew Carey: You have a little something there.
Nigel Wick: [Mr. Wick wipes his face and looks at his hand] Oh that's just a little blood... OH MY!
[Faint's and falls into Drew's arms]
Drew Carey: [Drew stands there for a second] THIS IS FOR MIMI!
[Throws Mr. Wick to the ground]
Drew Carey: AND MY CANDY... But mostly the candy.
[Points to Mr. Wicks face]
Drew Carey: You have a little something there.
Nigel Wick: [Mr. Wick wipes his face and looks at his hand] Oh that's just a little blood... OH MY!
[Faint's and falls into Drew's arms]
Drew Carey: [Drew stands there for a second] THIS IS FOR MIMI!
[Throws Mr. Wick to the ground]
Drew Carey: AND MY CANDY... But mostly the candy.
Lewis Kiniski: Hey Mr. Wick, what were some of the things you've been fired for?
Mr. Wick: Let's see - drunk,
[pauses]
Mr. Wick: drunk,
[pauses]
Mr. Wick: I don't know what the technical term is, but whipping it out in an elevator.
[pauses]
Mr. Wick: Drunk,
[pauses]
Mr. Wick: drunk,
[pauses]
Mr. Wick: whipping it out in an office.
[pauses]
Mr. Wick: I was telling the elevator story at another job.
Drew Carey: Oh!
Mr. Wick: Let's see - drunk,
[pauses]
Mr. Wick: drunk,
[pauses]
Mr. Wick: I don't know what the technical term is, but whipping it out in an elevator.
[pauses]
Mr. Wick: Drunk,
[pauses]
Mr. Wick: drunk,
[pauses]
Mr. Wick: whipping it out in an office.
[pauses]
Mr. Wick: I was telling the elevator story at another job.
Drew Carey: Oh!
Oswald Lee Harvey: Don't worry Kate, I don't mind that you're dating Drew. As long as he doesn't see that tape.
Kate O'Brien: Oh, my god! You still have that tape?
Oswald Lee Harvey: Yeah, the one we made at the karaoke bar.
Kate O'Brien: Oh, I thought you meant THAT tape...
Oswald Lee Harvey: Ohh, that tape. No... I accidentally sold that at a yard sale.
Kate O'Brien: Oh, my god! You still have that tape?
Oswald Lee Harvey: Yeah, the one we made at the karaoke bar.
Kate O'Brien: Oh, I thought you meant THAT tape...
Oswald Lee Harvey: Ohh, that tape. No... I accidentally sold that at a yard sale.
Drew Carey: Wow, Lewis. That was fast. How did you learn to tie ties like that?
Lewis Kiniski: Oh, at Drug-Co we like to make the monkeys believe that we're going to turn them into people, before killing them. When they go into that room, all dressed up, there's nothing but a fat guy with a hammer...
Lewis Kiniski: Oh, at Drug-Co we like to make the monkeys believe that we're going to turn them into people, before killing them. When they go into that room, all dressed up, there's nothing but a fat guy with a hammer...
Steve Carey: Look, dad, this isn't easy for us.
Drew Carey: Can't you, at least, make an effort?
George Carey: Now, you listen to me. While most guys were pushing pencils, I was torching commies out of caves in Korea. I've worked at a job I hated for 40 years. I've raised two boys. I'm tired, damn it! I just want to lay there and get mine!
Drew Carey: Can't you, at least, make an effort?
George Carey: Now, you listen to me. While most guys were pushing pencils, I was torching commies out of caves in Korea. I've worked at a job I hated for 40 years. I've raised two boys. I'm tired, damn it! I just want to lay there and get mine!
[Drew, Kate, Oswald and Lewis come to a black church]
Drew Carey: Hi, Mr. Nichols. I brought some friends, I hope you don't mind.
Mr. Nichols: No problem. Jesus even befriended the whores and the feeble minded.
[Oswald, Lewis and Kate stare at him]
Mr. Nichols: Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean you people.
Oswald Lee Harvey: Oh, we're not offended. We're actually amazed at your insight.
Drew Carey: Hi, Mr. Nichols. I brought some friends, I hope you don't mind.
Mr. Nichols: No problem. Jesus even befriended the whores and the feeble minded.
[Oswald, Lewis and Kate stare at him]
Mr. Nichols: Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean you people.
Oswald Lee Harvey: Oh, we're not offended. We're actually amazed at your insight.
[Mr. Wick needs a green card marriage]
Nigel Wick: I can't get married! All women I know hate me!
Drew Carey: Don't forget the fellas.
[gets up to leave]
Nigel Wick: Wait a second. I did forget the fellas. All I have to do is marry a man!
Drew Carey: You can't marry a man.
Nigel Wick: Yes, I can! There's a state where it's legal, now!
[gets down on one knee]
Nigel Wick: Drew, will you marry me in Vermont, the state that makes New Hampshire nervous?
Nigel Wick: I can't get married! All women I know hate me!
Drew Carey: Don't forget the fellas.
[gets up to leave]
Nigel Wick: Wait a second. I did forget the fellas. All I have to do is marry a man!
Drew Carey: You can't marry a man.
Nigel Wick: Yes, I can! There's a state where it's legal, now!
[gets down on one knee]
Nigel Wick: Drew, will you marry me in Vermont, the state that makes New Hampshire nervous?
Woman: Oswald? Oswald Harvey?
Oswald Lee Harvey: That's what it says on my underwear.
Woman: Hi, you probably don't remember me. I used to sit next to you, in homeroom class.
Oswald Lee Harvey: Oh, yeah... How could I not remember you. By the way, you remember that girl that had the same first name is you. What was her name?
Oswald Lee Harvey: That's what it says on my underwear.
Woman: Hi, you probably don't remember me. I used to sit next to you, in homeroom class.
Oswald Lee Harvey: Oh, yeah... How could I not remember you. By the way, you remember that girl that had the same first name is you. What was her name?
Drew Carey: [hangs up phone] Well, Wendy and I are having lunch tomorrow.
Kate O'Brien: That's fine. I'd like to see Wendy again.
Drew Carey: Well, actually... she just wants to have lunch me.
Oswald Lee Harvey: [to Lewis] This subject will never change. I bet you 100$, this subject will never change.
Kate O'Brien: That's fine. I'd like to see Wendy again.
Drew Carey: Well, actually... she just wants to have lunch me.
Oswald Lee Harvey: [to Lewis] This subject will never change. I bet you 100$, this subject will never change.
Drew Carey: Wendy, this thing here is Mimi.
Wendy: Hello.
Mimi Bobeck: Hi! I'm Mimi! If you ever need a friend, or want to talk... Well, too damn bad!
[Wendy leaves]
Drew Carey: Mimi, she's new in town, she's short on money, she doesn't have any friends. I guess what I'm trying to say is... Thanks for taking it easy on her.
Wendy: Hello.
Mimi Bobeck: Hi! I'm Mimi! If you ever need a friend, or want to talk... Well, too damn bad!
[Wendy leaves]
Drew Carey: Mimi, she's new in town, she's short on money, she doesn't have any friends. I guess what I'm trying to say is... Thanks for taking it easy on her.
Oswald Lee Harvey: Hey, I'm not going anywhere until I get my money.
Drew Carey: Get comfortable, pal. You're the worst mobile DJ I ever hired.
Oswald Lee Harvey: I thought people liked my voice.
[disguises voice]
Oswald Lee Harvey: This one's for all the lovers in the crowd.
Drew Carey: How about one for all the snipers in the crowd?
Drew Carey: Get comfortable, pal. You're the worst mobile DJ I ever hired.
Oswald Lee Harvey: I thought people liked my voice.
[disguises voice]
Oswald Lee Harvey: This one's for all the lovers in the crowd.
Drew Carey: How about one for all the snipers in the crowd?
Lewis Kiniski: It's a great day. Drew's got a new job, Kate got a promotion, and the manager at Drug-Co is paying me off so I won't talk about their new experiment.
Oswald Lee Harvey: Really?
Lewis Kiniski: Yeah, I'm supposed to meet him in the woods at midnight.
Oswald Lee Harvey: How much is he going to pay you?
Lewis Kiniski: I don't know, but I think it's going to be a lot. He told me to bring a duffel bag I could fit in.
Oswald Lee Harvey: Really?
Lewis Kiniski: Yeah, I'm supposed to meet him in the woods at midnight.
Oswald Lee Harvey: How much is he going to pay you?
Lewis Kiniski: I don't know, but I think it's going to be a lot. He told me to bring a duffel bag I could fit in.
[Kate, Lewis, and Oswald recover Drew's old refrigerator from the dump]
Drew Carey: Oh my god, it's Frankenfridge.
Kate O'Brien: It's filled with... baking soda. Because it really smells.
Lewis Kiniski: Are you crying, Drew?
Drew Carey: It's that smell. It's killing me.
Oswald Lee Harvey: Hope you like it, Drew.
Drew Carey: Wow, I cant believe you guys did such a nice thing for me. And yet you sit here, while this refrigerator is attracting flies in the middle of winter!
Drew Carey: Oh my god, it's Frankenfridge.
Kate O'Brien: It's filled with... baking soda. Because it really smells.
Lewis Kiniski: Are you crying, Drew?
Drew Carey: It's that smell. It's killing me.
Oswald Lee Harvey: Hope you like it, Drew.
Drew Carey: Wow, I cant believe you guys did such a nice thing for me. And yet you sit here, while this refrigerator is attracting flies in the middle of winter!
Lewis Kiniski: I think Santa doesn't want to kill us anymore. We didn't get any death threats, recently. And, when we threw Kate to him and left her for dead he didn't touch her.
Kate O'Brien: Yeah, he told me not to worry and that he wasn't going to rape me. He told me that after what Santa saw in the Gulf War he could never be with a woman again.
Kate O'Brien: Yeah, he told me not to worry and that he wasn't going to rape me. He told me that after what Santa saw in the Gulf War he could never be with a woman again.
Drew Carey: Hey, Mr. Wick. Did you talk to the new owner?
Nigel Wick: Yes.
Drew Carey: Did you talk to him about my raise?
Nigel Wick: Yes, Carey. You see, he's the kind of man whose first order of business is to pick the most insignificant drone in the company and to shower him with money?
Drew Carey: Really?
Nigel Wick: Yes. And he also told me that he's naming you King of Cleveland and that your sole task is to masturbate.
Drew Carey: I so want to believe you...
Nigel Wick: Yes.
Drew Carey: Did you talk to him about my raise?
Nigel Wick: Yes, Carey. You see, he's the kind of man whose first order of business is to pick the most insignificant drone in the company and to shower him with money?
Drew Carey: Really?
Nigel Wick: Yes. And he also told me that he's naming you King of Cleveland and that your sole task is to masturbate.
Drew Carey: I so want to believe you...
Lewis Kiniski: Gee, Drew, I'm really sorry about your troubles with your hot, young and rich boss. I'd send you a sympathy card if I wasn't so busy mopping elephant afterbirth at Drug-Co.
Oswald Lee Harvey: Eww!
Lewis Kiniski: That's typical. You want your shampoo and conditioner in one but you don't want to know how it's done.
Oswald Lee Harvey: Eww!
Lewis Kiniski: That's typical. You want your shampoo and conditioner in one but you don't want to know how it's done.
Female Cop: I'm sorry, but we're going to have to close this bar down.
Lewis Kiniski: Well, I didn't want to resort to this, but...
[approaches female cop]
Lewis Kiniski: Hey, Baby. How'd you like to take a bath without ever having to step into a tub.
[sticks out his tongue]
Female Cop: I'm a lesbian, thank god.
Kate O'Brien: [approaches female cop] Please don't take away our bar.
Female Cop: Sorry. I never paid for it in my life.
Lewis Kiniski: Well, I didn't want to resort to this, but...
[approaches female cop]
Lewis Kiniski: Hey, Baby. How'd you like to take a bath without ever having to step into a tub.
[sticks out his tongue]
Female Cop: I'm a lesbian, thank god.
Kate O'Brien: [approaches female cop] Please don't take away our bar.
Female Cop: Sorry. I never paid for it in my life.
Beulah Carey: Look, Drew, we brought the same minister that married me and your father.
Drew Carey: Uhh... Yeah, but... Kate and I can only be married by a Catholic priest!
Kate O'Brien: That's right! That way... our son could never grow up to be pope! See? I can't tell my parents that my son could never be pope! That's just crazy!
Beulah Carey: Oh, Kate... You and your Catholic Voodoo...
Drew Carey: Uhh... Yeah, but... Kate and I can only be married by a Catholic priest!
Kate O'Brien: That's right! That way... our son could never grow up to be pope! See? I can't tell my parents that my son could never be pope! That's just crazy!
Beulah Carey: Oh, Kate... You and your Catholic Voodoo...
Nigel Wick: Uhh, Lewis. I know this is an awkward proposition but I need to use your apartment for the night...
[points to attractive blonde at his table, and Lewis stares at him]
Nigel Wick: And 50$.
Lewis Kiniski: 50$? Hey, 20$ gets you an apartment! 50$ gets you a photographer! A 100$ gets you no photographer.
[points to attractive blonde at his table, and Lewis stares at him]
Nigel Wick: And 50$.
Lewis Kiniski: 50$? Hey, 20$ gets you an apartment! 50$ gets you a photographer! A 100$ gets you no photographer.
Kate O'Brien: I don't believe this. You're taking advice from Oswald? Oswald who once swallowed a sponge to soak up all the beer, so he won't get drunk?
Oswald Lee Harvey: Did I get drunk?
Kate O'Brien: We had to take you to the hospital! You were clinically dead for two minutes!
Oswald Lee Harvey: But, did I get drunk?
Oswald Lee Harvey: Did I get drunk?
Kate O'Brien: We had to take you to the hospital! You were clinically dead for two minutes!
Oswald Lee Harvey: But, did I get drunk?
[a depressed Drew thinks he's been fired, and sings "High Hopes"]
Drew Carey: [sobbing and singing] I've got high hopes, I've got... high hopes. I've got... high apple pie-in-the...
[sniffs]
Drew Carey: ... sky hopes...
[to on-looking workers]
Drew Carey: EVERYBODY!... Every time you're feeling low, here's the way to go... just remember that ant... Oops, there goes ten years of my life!
Drew Carey: [sobbing and singing] I've got high hopes, I've got... high hopes. I've got... high apple pie-in-the...
[sniffs]
Drew Carey: ... sky hopes...
[to on-looking workers]
Drew Carey: EVERYBODY!... Every time you're feeling low, here's the way to go... just remember that ant... Oops, there goes ten years of my life!
[Daffy Duck is applying for a job; Drew asks for qualifications]
Daffy Duck: Qualifications? Why, I have qualifications coming out the wazoo!
[Daffy opens a carpetbag labeled "wazoo", pulls out items as he calls them out]
Daffy Duck: I have an MBA, a PhD, an EKG, a BLT,
[eats BLT, Carey is disappointed]
Daffy Duck: a TNT, and a heaping load of TLC.
[Daffy pampers Drew - filing his nails, polishing his head, etc. - ends by lying on his lap and kissing him]
Daffy Duck: So what do you say, fat boy?
Drew Carey: I say get off my L-A-P. You're one weird duck.
Daffy Duck: You're not just whistling Dixie!
Daffy Duck: Qualifications? Why, I have qualifications coming out the wazoo!
[Daffy opens a carpetbag labeled "wazoo", pulls out items as he calls them out]
Daffy Duck: I have an MBA, a PhD, an EKG, a BLT,
[eats BLT, Carey is disappointed]
Daffy Duck: a TNT, and a heaping load of TLC.
[Daffy pampers Drew - filing his nails, polishing his head, etc. - ends by lying on his lap and kissing him]
Daffy Duck: So what do you say, fat boy?
Drew Carey: I say get off my L-A-P. You're one weird duck.
Daffy Duck: You're not just whistling Dixie!
Kate O'Brien: Why didn't you just ask me for the money.
Drew Carey: I can't ask you for money. I'm "The Rock".
Kate O'Brien: "The Rock"?
Drew Carey: Yeah. I'm the one that's always stable and reliable. I'm the one who loans money, gives advice and helps you guys out. "The Rock"...
Kate O'Brien: You should be wearing a superhero outfit when you say that.
Drew Carey: Don't mock "The Rock"!
Drew Carey: I can't ask you for money. I'm "The Rock".
Kate O'Brien: "The Rock"?
Drew Carey: Yeah. I'm the one that's always stable and reliable. I'm the one who loans money, gives advice and helps you guys out. "The Rock"...
Kate O'Brien: You should be wearing a superhero outfit when you say that.
Drew Carey: Don't mock "The Rock"!
Mrs. Louder: Mimi! You're fired.
Mimi Bobeck: For what?
Mrs. Louder: For having the nerve to ask me to speak at a seminar for "Women in their 90's".
Mimi Bobeck: You're reading it wrong. It's supposed to say "Women in the 90's."
Mrs. Louder: Oh, well count me in, then.
[leaves]
Mimi Bobeck: [to Drew] Actually, it really was supposed to say "Women in their 90's".
Mimi Bobeck: For what?
Mrs. Louder: For having the nerve to ask me to speak at a seminar for "Women in their 90's".
Mimi Bobeck: You're reading it wrong. It's supposed to say "Women in the 90's."
Mrs. Louder: Oh, well count me in, then.
[leaves]
Mimi Bobeck: [to Drew] Actually, it really was supposed to say "Women in their 90's".
[Drew is arrested for trying to kill Mimi]
Officer: Is it true, Mr. Carey that you harbor violent feelings for Mrs. Bobek?
Drew Carey: That's ridiculous.
Officer: If it's that ridiculous, why did 20 coworkers hear you say
[reads statement]
Officer: "I'm going to kill you"?
Drew Carey: That's just a figure of speech!
Officer: [continues reading from statement] "That's not a figure of speech. You are dead!"
Drew Carey: No, you're reading it all wrong.
[happily]
Drew Carey: I'm gonna kill ya! That's not a figure of speech, yoooouuu'rrrrre dead!
[pause]
Drew Carey: I want a lawyer.
Officer: Is it true, Mr. Carey that you harbor violent feelings for Mrs. Bobek?
Drew Carey: That's ridiculous.
Officer: If it's that ridiculous, why did 20 coworkers hear you say
[reads statement]
Officer: "I'm going to kill you"?
Drew Carey: That's just a figure of speech!
Officer: [continues reading from statement] "That's not a figure of speech. You are dead!"
Drew Carey: No, you're reading it all wrong.
[happily]
Drew Carey: I'm gonna kill ya! That's not a figure of speech, yoooouuu'rrrrre dead!
[pause]
Drew Carey: I want a lawyer.
Lewis Kiniski: Hey, Drew. I got this new perfume from Drug-Co. You might want to try it out on your date.
Drew Carey: No, it's okay-
[Lewis sprays him with it]
Drew Carey: Damn it!... Hey, that actually smells pretty good.
Lewis Kiniski: I know.
[under his breath]
Lewis Kiniski: I'm sure you won't be in the 3%.
Drew Carey: What?
Lewis Kiniski: Nothing.
Drew Carey: What 3%?
Lewis Kiniski: Well, 3% of the test monkeys at Drug-Co tried to eat their own genitals.
Drew Carey: No, it's okay-
[Lewis sprays him with it]
Drew Carey: Damn it!... Hey, that actually smells pretty good.
Lewis Kiniski: I know.
[under his breath]
Lewis Kiniski: I'm sure you won't be in the 3%.
Drew Carey: What?
Lewis Kiniski: Nothing.
Drew Carey: What 3%?
Lewis Kiniski: Well, 3% of the test monkeys at Drug-Co tried to eat their own genitals.
[Clemens brings a horse into Drew's backyard]
Drew Carey: Hey, Clemens, I got a riddle for you. What has four legs and shouldn't be in my backyard?
Greg Clemens: Oswald and Lewis.
Drew Carey: Ok, what has the I.Q. of...
[looks at Oswald and Lewis]
Drew Carey: What smells like...
[looks at Oswald and Lewis]
Drew Carey: What craps standing...
[looks at Oswald and Lewis]
Drew Carey: Get that damn horse out of my backyard!
Drew Carey: Hey, Clemens, I got a riddle for you. What has four legs and shouldn't be in my backyard?
Greg Clemens: Oswald and Lewis.
Drew Carey: Ok, what has the I.Q. of...
[looks at Oswald and Lewis]
Drew Carey: What smells like...
[looks at Oswald and Lewis]
Drew Carey: What craps standing...
[looks at Oswald and Lewis]
Drew Carey: Get that damn horse out of my backyard!
Rachel Murray: Drew, you can't wear that suit, it was made in a factory that practices child labor. Underage children should not be forced to work like that.
Drew Carey: Of course not! Look at the crappy job they do! What I wouldn't give for two minutes alone with the brat that sewed this together...
Drew Carey: Of course not! Look at the crappy job they do! What I wouldn't give for two minutes alone with the brat that sewed this together...
[Drew and Mimi signed a truce, forbidding them to play pranks on each other]
Mimi Bobeck: Oops. Clumsy me. I just dropped a pen. I'm just gonna have to bend over and pick it up. Thus, leaving my butt open to a kick, stabbing, or the possible application of a humorous bumper sticker.
[bends over]
Drew Carey: I'm warning you, Mimi. You're waving a steak in front of a hungry dog... God, I want to hurt that butt!
Mimi Bobeck: It wants to be hurt!
Lewis Kiniski: [to Oswald] What are we watching here?
Mimi Bobeck: Oops. Clumsy me. I just dropped a pen. I'm just gonna have to bend over and pick it up. Thus, leaving my butt open to a kick, stabbing, or the possible application of a humorous bumper sticker.
[bends over]
Drew Carey: I'm warning you, Mimi. You're waving a steak in front of a hungry dog... God, I want to hurt that butt!
Mimi Bobeck: It wants to be hurt!
Lewis Kiniski: [to Oswald] What are we watching here?
Oswald Lee Harvey: I have an idea. Well at least hear me out first!
Drew Carey: Uhh, Oswald nobody objected.
Oswald Lee Harvey: Oh, OK. Anyway, if you're afraid to take a physical, you could get Lewis to take it for you.
[pause]
Oswald Lee Harvey: Why are you looking at me approvingly?
Drew Carey: Because I'm proud of you. We can now add the word "savant" to your title.
Drew Carey: Uhh, Oswald nobody objected.
Oswald Lee Harvey: Oh, OK. Anyway, if you're afraid to take a physical, you could get Lewis to take it for you.
[pause]
Oswald Lee Harvey: Why are you looking at me approvingly?
Drew Carey: Because I'm proud of you. We can now add the word "savant" to your title.
Mr. Soulard: What do you got there, Carey?
Drew Carey: Uhh, nothing, sir.
Mr. Soulard: Is that the new report?
Drew Carey: Uhh, yeah that's what it is.
Mr. Soulard: Well, let me see.
Drew Carey: No! Uhh... I mean, it's not finished.
Mr. Soulard: Let me see what's in your hand, Carey.
Drew Carey: Ok... uhh... It's uhh... a present for Kate. Yeah, it's erotic pictures of me. I'm in a thong.
Mr. Soulard: I got a feeling you're covering... But I can't take that chance.
Drew Carey: Uhh, nothing, sir.
Mr. Soulard: Is that the new report?
Drew Carey: Uhh, yeah that's what it is.
Mr. Soulard: Well, let me see.
Drew Carey: No! Uhh... I mean, it's not finished.
Mr. Soulard: Let me see what's in your hand, Carey.
Drew Carey: Ok... uhh... It's uhh... a present for Kate. Yeah, it's erotic pictures of me. I'm in a thong.
Mr. Soulard: I got a feeling you're covering... But I can't take that chance.
Drew Carey: Why are you guys wearing suits?
Lewis Kiniski: Well, Wendy's coming back. Looks like ripe picking for the love buzzards!
Oswald Lee Harvey: Picking at the bones of her self respect!
Drew Carey: I don't know how to break this to you guys, but, I don't think she was ever crazy about you two.
Lewis Kiniski: Ahh, but you don't know how forgettable we are. I went out on a date with this one woman. She told me about her worst date ever. Little did she know- that date was me.
Lewis Kiniski: Well, Wendy's coming back. Looks like ripe picking for the love buzzards!
Oswald Lee Harvey: Picking at the bones of her self respect!
Drew Carey: I don't know how to break this to you guys, but, I don't think she was ever crazy about you two.
Lewis Kiniski: Ahh, but you don't know how forgettable we are. I went out on a date with this one woman. She told me about her worst date ever. Little did she know- that date was me.
Preacher: You should come on Wednesday. It's Christian singles night. Lewis is always there, chatting up the young ladies.
Drew Carey: Christian singles night, huh?
Lewis Kiniski: I suppose you would prefer some snobby, stuck-up woman you met at a bar. Well, so would I. But that didn't work, so welcome to plan B.
Drew Carey: Christian singles night, huh?
Lewis Kiniski: I suppose you would prefer some snobby, stuck-up woman you met at a bar. Well, so would I. But that didn't work, so welcome to plan B.
Drew Carey: So, Mr. Wick, you're off to see your girlfriend.
Nigel Wick: Yes, I got all I need. Flowers and 100$.
Drew Carey: Ok...
Nigel Wick: Oh, yes. You see, she's always in need of money the poor thing. But I don't let that bother me. She's very nice, and shy. The girl won't even let me kiss her.
Drew Carey: Mr. Wick, is she a prostitute?
Nigel Wick: Oh, no! She's an actress who's researching the part of a prostitute, going on... 14 years now.
Drew Carey: Oh, and does she have a very strict acting coach who beats her with an iron pipe every once in a while?
Nigel Wick: Yes, I got all I need. Flowers and 100$.
Drew Carey: Ok...
Nigel Wick: Oh, yes. You see, she's always in need of money the poor thing. But I don't let that bother me. She's very nice, and shy. The girl won't even let me kiss her.
Drew Carey: Mr. Wick, is she a prostitute?
Nigel Wick: Oh, no! She's an actress who's researching the part of a prostitute, going on... 14 years now.
Drew Carey: Oh, and does she have a very strict acting coach who beats her with an iron pipe every once in a while?
Oswald Lee Harvey: All right. Drew told us not to let speedy into the house.
Lewis Kiniski: Where is he?
Oswald Lee Harvey: Probably in the brewery.
Lewis Kiniski: [opens the door] Ok, when he comes out, we pretend to let him into the house, and then we catch him.
[Speedy comes out of the brewery, with a six-pack]
Oswald Lee Harvey: Hey, he brought us a six pack! But, why did he put it all the way over there?
Lewis Kiniski: 'Cause he's a dumb animal. Come on, let's go get it.
[Oswald and Lewis go to get the beer, while Speedy runs into the house, and pushes the door closed, locking Oswald and Lewis out]
Lewis Kiniski: We must never speak of this again...
Lewis Kiniski: Where is he?
Oswald Lee Harvey: Probably in the brewery.
Lewis Kiniski: [opens the door] Ok, when he comes out, we pretend to let him into the house, and then we catch him.
[Speedy comes out of the brewery, with a six-pack]
Oswald Lee Harvey: Hey, he brought us a six pack! But, why did he put it all the way over there?
Lewis Kiniski: 'Cause he's a dumb animal. Come on, let's go get it.
[Oswald and Lewis go to get the beer, while Speedy runs into the house, and pushes the door closed, locking Oswald and Lewis out]
Lewis Kiniski: We must never speak of this again...
[Lewis ate a human liver that Oswald brought home for his med class]
Lewis Kiniski: I'm a freak! I need some time alone!
[Opens the door, at the same time that Milan comes in. Lewis makes sucking noises, creeping her out and leaves]
Oswald Lee Harvey: I hope he's going to be all right.
[Oswald stands up, bangs his leg on the table, and limps outside]
Oswald Lee Harvey: Well, I'm off to the morgue to get another human liver.
Milan: Hi, Drew... I see why you drink...
Lewis Kiniski: I'm a freak! I need some time alone!
[Opens the door, at the same time that Milan comes in. Lewis makes sucking noises, creeping her out and leaves]
Oswald Lee Harvey: I hope he's going to be all right.
[Oswald stands up, bangs his leg on the table, and limps outside]
Oswald Lee Harvey: Well, I'm off to the morgue to get another human liver.
Milan: Hi, Drew... I see why you drink...
Drew Carey: Hi, I'm Drew Carey. You know in all the years we've been on television, we've never won an Emmy award. Never! Can't even get nominated! Nothing for acting, nothing for writing, nothing! We thought this year might be different after all the shows we've did but nope, we've don't have a chance in hell this year either. So some of the guys around here thought if we did just this one special episode, something filled with social importance and big tear-jerking emotional things, that we'd have a chance. And that maybe the emmy people would notice just once, just once in our stinking miserable lives! But I said NO! We're not gonna have our actors hamming it up just to win some stupid award.
Lewis Kiniski: [barging in] Drew! This homeless woman is having a baby for your consideration!
Lewis Kiniski: [barging in] Drew! This homeless woman is having a baby for your consideration!
Drew Carey: I'm sorry, Mr. Wick, but your punishment is to stay far away from Mimi.
[pauses]
Drew Carey: That's right, your punishment is to stay far away from Mimi.
[pauses]
Drew Carey: Your punishment is to stay far away from Mimi.
[pauses]
Drew Carey: Your punishment is to stay far away from Mimi.
[pauses]
Drew Carey: Boy, no matter how many times I say that, it still sounds weird.
[pauses]
Drew Carey: That's right, your punishment is to stay far away from Mimi.
[pauses]
Drew Carey: Your punishment is to stay far away from Mimi.
[pauses]
Drew Carey: Your punishment is to stay far away from Mimi.
[pauses]
Drew Carey: Boy, no matter how many times I say that, it still sounds weird.
Drew Carey: Hey, Lewis, I got a question. Did you ever sleep with a close friends' girlfriend?
Lewis Kiniski: Oh, I see where this is going... I'm in. But, Kate, when we're in bed Drew's and my eyes must never meet.
Kate O'Brien: Lewis, let me make this clear. The only way I'd lie next to you naked is if we're in a mass grave.
Lewis Kiniski: Oh, I see where this is going... I'm in. But, Kate, when we're in bed Drew's and my eyes must never meet.
Kate O'Brien: Lewis, let me make this clear. The only way I'd lie next to you naked is if we're in a mass grave.
Lewis Kiniski: You know, Drew, down at Drugco we have a pet psychiatrist. She's really good. We had this monkey who used to take off his pants and jump around every time a woman didn't wear a bra to work, and you know what, after only two weeks, she cured me.
[embarrassed laugh]
Lewis Kiniski: I mean the monkey! Crazy monkey! Crazy, lonely monkey.
[embarrassed laugh]
Lewis Kiniski: I mean the monkey! Crazy monkey! Crazy, lonely monkey.
