The Daily Show Quotes
America's top fake news show.
[Steve Carell is being interviewed for "The Forty-Year-Old Virgin" - they sit in silence for several minutes, Steve staring straight ahead and Jon squirming and fidgeting. Finally: ]
Jon Stewart: Do you have a report to file?
Steve Carrell: I don't file reports anymore, Jon. I do movies.
Jon Stewart: Oh.
[squirms uncomfortably]
Jon Stewart: Was I supposed to have some questions for you?
Steve Carrell: You may ask me anything you like, Jon. And I will answer it. If I feel like it.
Jon Stewart: Why did you leave us?
[Jon breaks down crying, and Steve comes over and hugs him]
Jon Stewart: Do you have a report to file?
Steve Carrell: I don't file reports anymore, Jon. I do movies.
Jon Stewart: Oh.
[squirms uncomfortably]
Jon Stewart: Was I supposed to have some questions for you?
Steve Carrell: You may ask me anything you like, Jon. And I will answer it. If I feel like it.
Jon Stewart: Why did you leave us?
[Jon breaks down crying, and Steve comes over and hugs him]
Stephen Colbert: After all, it was Thomas Jefferson who said "Everyone imposes his own system as far as his army can reach."
Jon Stewart: No, that was Stalin. Thomas Jefferson said that he'd "Rather have free press and no government, than a government and no free press".
Stephen Colbert: Well, what else would you expect from a slave-banging, Hitler-loving queer?
Jon Stewart: No, that was Stalin. Thomas Jefferson said that he'd "Rather have free press and no government, than a government and no free press".
Stephen Colbert: Well, what else would you expect from a slave-banging, Hitler-loving queer?
Harrison Ford: I don't really do action movies.
Jon Stewart: You were Indiana Jones.
Harrison Ford: Yeah, but...
Jon Stewart: And Jack Ryan.
Harrison Ford: I always saw Indiana Jones as a comedy.
Jon Stewart: Well, I can assure you it's not.
Harrison Ford: I'll have to let Spielberg know that. "Steve- not funny."
Jon Stewart: You know Spielberg?
Jon Stewart: You were Indiana Jones.
Harrison Ford: Yeah, but...
Jon Stewart: And Jack Ryan.
Harrison Ford: I always saw Indiana Jones as a comedy.
Jon Stewart: Well, I can assure you it's not.
Harrison Ford: I'll have to let Spielberg know that. "Steve- not funny."
Jon Stewart: You know Spielberg?
Jon Stewart: I'm joined now by our own vice-presidential firearms mishap analyst, Rob Corddry. Rob, obviously a very unfortunate situation. How is the vice president handling it?
Rob Corddry: Tonight the vice president is standing by his decision to shoot Harry Wittington. According to the best intelligence available, there were quail hidden in the brush. Everyone believed at the time there were quail in the brush. And while the quail turned out to be a 78-year-old man, even knowing that today, Mr. Cheney insists he still would have shot Mr. Whittington in the face. He believes the world is a better place for his spreading buckshot throughout the entire region of Mr. Whittington's face.
Jon Stewart: But why, Rob? If he had known Mr. Whittington was not a bird, why would he still have shot him?
Rob Corddry: In a post-9/11 world, the American people expect their leaders to be decisive. To not have shot his friend in the face would have sent a message to the quail that America is weak.
Rob Corddry: Tonight the vice president is standing by his decision to shoot Harry Wittington. According to the best intelligence available, there were quail hidden in the brush. Everyone believed at the time there were quail in the brush. And while the quail turned out to be a 78-year-old man, even knowing that today, Mr. Cheney insists he still would have shot Mr. Whittington in the face. He believes the world is a better place for his spreading buckshot throughout the entire region of Mr. Whittington's face.
Jon Stewart: But why, Rob? If he had known Mr. Whittington was not a bird, why would he still have shot him?
Rob Corddry: In a post-9/11 world, the American people expect their leaders to be decisive. To not have shot his friend in the face would have sent a message to the quail that America is weak.
Jon Stewart: Even if the flag burning amendment does become law, the larger problem will remain of how to respectfully dispose of older, tattered flags. Well, fortunately the U.S. official Flag Code has a suggestion about this. "The flag, when it is in such a condition that it is no longer a fitting emblem of display, should be destroyed in a dignified way, preferably by burning." Owwwwcchh. In response, the House Republicans are calling for tattered flags to be kept alive via a feeding tube.
Jon Stewart: [on Iraq not completing its constitution on time] A delay. Delegates so divided that they don't agree on what they're most divided about. The obvious conclusion ?
[clip]
Condoleezza Rice: We're witnessing democracy at work in Iraq.
Jon Stewart: [stunned pause] Is there any fuck-up they can't make seem like it was their plan all along... Is there any?
[clip]
Condoleezza Rice: We're witnessing democracy at work in Iraq.
Jon Stewart: [stunned pause] Is there any fuck-up they can't make seem like it was their plan all along... Is there any?
Reporter: ...given the recent surge in violence, do you agree with Dick Cheney's assessment that the insurgency is in its last throes?
George W. Bush: I think about Iraq every day. *Every single day*.
Jon Stewart: Really? You think about the war you started every day? "Yeah, I tie a little string around my finger. Sometimes I look down at it, I think 'What's that doin' there?' Then I remember, I think, 'Oh shit.' It's that... Uh... That war."
George W. Bush: I think about Iraq every day. *Every single day*.
Jon Stewart: Really? You think about the war you started every day? "Yeah, I tie a little string around my finger. Sometimes I look down at it, I think 'What's that doin' there?' Then I remember, I think, 'Oh shit.' It's that... Uh... That war."
Jon Stewart: You were supposed to be here last week, but you had to cancel.
Natalie Portman: That's right. I got food poisoning.
Jon Stewart: Yeah. And you told me before the show that whenever you tell people that, they never ask you "How are you doing?"
Natalie Portman: That's right. They always say, "What did you eat?" instead. It's really selfish, you know?
Jon Stewart: Uh-huh, right. Anyway, the reason I brought it up is because you never told me what you ate.
Natalie Portman: That's right. I got food poisoning.
Jon Stewart: Yeah. And you told me before the show that whenever you tell people that, they never ask you "How are you doing?"
Natalie Portman: That's right. They always say, "What did you eat?" instead. It's really selfish, you know?
Jon Stewart: Uh-huh, right. Anyway, the reason I brought it up is because you never told me what you ate.
Stephen Colbert: What really excites me about this revelation is that it lowers the standard for the next invasion. Before, the standard was imminent danger. Now the standard is "What are you lookin' at? You lookin' at me? 'Cause my friend says you're lookin' at me and there's nobody else here so I guess you're looking at me!"
Jon Stewart: Triumph, you're not allowed to swear.
Triumph The Insult Comic Dog: What do you mean? It's cable TV, man.
Jon Stewart: No, it's basic cable, you can't swear.
Triumph The Insult Comic Dog: You can't swear on cable, what's the
[bleep]
Triumph The Insult Comic Dog: point? All right, no, no, no, I kid, I kid. Cable's great, Jon Stewart, and you're great, and you have a great show... for me to poop on. I mean come on, having a show on cable, it's not like it's real, it's like sniffing your sister's ass.
Jon Stewart: Now look, I happen to like having a show on Comedy Central.
Triumph The Insult Comic Dog: [sarcastically] Ooh, Comedy Central, good for you, Comedy Central. I have worms in my stool that have shows on Comedy Central.
Triumph The Insult Comic Dog: What do you mean? It's cable TV, man.
Jon Stewart: No, it's basic cable, you can't swear.
Triumph The Insult Comic Dog: You can't swear on cable, what's the
[bleep]
Triumph The Insult Comic Dog: point? All right, no, no, no, I kid, I kid. Cable's great, Jon Stewart, and you're great, and you have a great show... for me to poop on. I mean come on, having a show on cable, it's not like it's real, it's like sniffing your sister's ass.
Jon Stewart: Now look, I happen to like having a show on Comedy Central.
Triumph The Insult Comic Dog: [sarcastically] Ooh, Comedy Central, good for you, Comedy Central. I have worms in my stool that have shows on Comedy Central.
Stephen Colbert: Well, Jon, the great jousting tournament that is Election Day draws nigh, the prize the building you see behind me, Castle Congress. But what side shall prevail in this epic electoral tilt? Who shall control the future of Fortress America? Will we be, as the Republicans desire, a nation of wealthy heavily-armed white men, befouling the air and water in a ceaseless quest for profits, beholden to no laws but those of our lord and savior Jesus Christ? Or shall we instead embrace the Democrats' vision of a namby-pamby quasi-Socialist Republic with an all-homosexual army flamboyantly defending a citizenry suckling at the foul teat of government welfare? The choice is yours, fair maiden America, for the name of this feudal system is Democracy.
Jon Stewart: But apparently we liberal, secular fags here at Comedy Central have fired a devastating year-old six-second long joke, that doesn't barely even make any sense to us any more, across the bow of Christianity. When you think of Liberals, your thoughts naturally turn to others who're fighting against Christmas, like the Puritans: the first white Americans who banned Christmas celebrations for 22 years in Boston because they deemed all of them unseemly. Godless pricks!
[Jon Stewart asks correspondent Stephen Colbert, ostensibly reporting live from the U.S. victory in Baghdad, Iraq, about the rebuilding process]
Stephen Colbert: We won. Rebuilding is for losers. Time to party. And then it's off to Syria for the next invasion.
Jon Stewart: Are we invading Syria?
Stephen Colbert: Am I still bound by the military's restrictions on embedded reporters?
Jon Stewart: Yes.
Stephen Colbert: Then no.
Stephen Colbert: We won. Rebuilding is for losers. Time to party. And then it's off to Syria for the next invasion.
Jon Stewart: Are we invading Syria?
Stephen Colbert: Am I still bound by the military's restrictions on embedded reporters?
Jon Stewart: Yes.
Stephen Colbert: Then no.
Richard Clarke: The very fact that somebody who saw all the material, saw all the evidence, has been around for years doing this kind of stuff would have the temerity to say, "You know, I think the President was really wrong to go into Iraq 'cause that really hurt the war on terrorism... "
Jon Stewart: Again, because we're on Comedy Central, I think you may have to change the word "temerity" to "balls".
Jon Stewart: Again, because we're on Comedy Central, I think you may have to change the word "temerity" to "balls".
Zell Miller: [speech during Justice Sunday] Isn't it strange that a government requires a no-smoking sign around gas pumps to remind us of that danger, but then thinks we don't need to be reminded of the danger of living a sinful life?
Jon Stewart: You know I...
[shakes head]
Jon Stewart: I gotta say, I think it's the way it should be. No-smoking signs by gas stations, no religion in the public square. The government should keep us from being engulfed in flames on earth and that's pretty much it.
Jon Stewart: You know I...
[shakes head]
Jon Stewart: I gotta say, I think it's the way it should be. No-smoking signs by gas stations, no religion in the public square. The government should keep us from being engulfed in flames on earth and that's pretty much it.
Jon Stewart: Stephen, Senator Frist's appearance at that megachurch could be seen as a serious breach of the separation of church of state.
Stephen Colbert: Jon, let me explain this in a metaphor. If you take a gallon of Neopolitan ice-cream, like the one I'm holding, you need to drag a spoon all the way across it to get the full three flavors.
[Colbert puts the gallon of ice cream down and picks up another one]
Stephen Colbert: However, if you have a gallon of fudge sundae ice cream, you can dip your spoon in and enjoy all parts of the sundae at once.
Jon Stewart: So you're implying that mixing church and state is a good thing?
Stephen Colbert: Jon, I'm saying that this megachurch is a Baskin-Robbins.
Stephen Colbert: Jon, let me explain this in a metaphor. If you take a gallon of Neopolitan ice-cream, like the one I'm holding, you need to drag a spoon all the way across it to get the full three flavors.
[Colbert puts the gallon of ice cream down and picks up another one]
Stephen Colbert: However, if you have a gallon of fudge sundae ice cream, you can dip your spoon in and enjoy all parts of the sundae at once.
Jon Stewart: So you're implying that mixing church and state is a good thing?
Stephen Colbert: Jon, I'm saying that this megachurch is a Baskin-Robbins.
Rob Corddry: This is pork-barrel politics at its worst.
Sen. Joan Fitzgerald: How so?
Rob Corddry: It's... so so.
Sen. Joan Fitzgerald: You have no idea what pork-barrel politics are, do you?
Rob Corddry: Do you?
Sen. Joan Fitzgerald: Pork-barrel politics usually puts money into the system...
Rob Corddry: Oh, is that what they taught you in lady senator school?
Sen. Joan Fitzgerald: How so?
Rob Corddry: It's... so so.
Sen. Joan Fitzgerald: You have no idea what pork-barrel politics are, do you?
Rob Corddry: Do you?
Sen. Joan Fitzgerald: Pork-barrel politics usually puts money into the system...
Rob Corddry: Oh, is that what they taught you in lady senator school?
Jon Stewart: Former Tyco CEO Dennis Kozlowski and two other former Tyco executives have been charged with looting their company of hundreds of millions of dollars. If that weren't enough, putting a good deal of that toward private purchases on the company tab, including $36 million worth of homes, two sets of sheets for nearly $6, 000, and a shower curtain valued at $6, 000. I'll tell ya, for that price, it had really better keep small puddles from forming on the bathroom floor... In the most egregious example, Kozlowski spent $2.1 million on a lavish birthday party for his wife, complete with Roman gladiators at the door and an ice sculpture of Michelangelo's David that dispensed vodka from its penis. Classy and a perfect accompaniment to the beluga caviar oozing out its ass.
Jon Stewart: Enron! Halliburton! No WMDs in Iraq! With all these things going on, what was Congress most concerned about? That's right, baseball. This week, the Congressional hearings on steroid abuse began. Among those that were testifying include: Jose Canseco, Barry Bonds, Sammy Sosa, Mark McGwire, Paul Giambi, and Shrinkynuts McAngrypants!
Jon Stewart: Where is Iran located? It's situated conveniently between Iraq and Afghanistan, meaning that...
[shows a map with three X's between the countries]
Jon Stewart: Hey! But what do we know about Iran? Well, its capital is Tehran. Its national language is Farsi. Its currency is the Rial. And its architecture is still standing. But what are they up to? Something.
[shows a map with three X's between the countries]
Jon Stewart: Hey! But what do we know about Iran? Well, its capital is Tehran. Its national language is Farsi. Its currency is the Rial. And its architecture is still standing. But what are they up to? Something.
Jon Stewart: [on P. Diddy changing his name] Just Diddy! The P is gone! Oh... say it ain't so, Diddy. Why did you do it, Diddy?
Sean 'P. Diddy' Combs: Because I thought the P was getting between me and my fans.
Jon Stewart: The P was getting between him and his fans. You know I don't think it's the P. I think it's the bodyguards.
Sean 'P. Diddy' Combs: Because I thought the P was getting between me and my fans.
Jon Stewart: The P was getting between him and his fans. You know I don't think it's the P. I think it's the bodyguards.
Jon Stewart: [Dick Cheney blames the defeat of an energy bill on the abscence of Kerry and Edwards to vote on it] So let me get this straight: you control the White House, both Houses of Congress, and the Supreme Court, and your administration has closer ties to the energy industry than any administration in history, and THOSE two blockheads stopped you?
Stephen Colbert: In street lingo, are you running to stick it to the man?
Al Sharpton: I don't know what street you got that language...
Stephen Colbert: The urban street. The mean streets.
Al Sharpton: I'm sticking up for a lot of people that have felt that no one has stuck up for them, but I'm not trying to stick it to anyone.
Stephen Colbert: Not even the man?
Al Sharpton: Who's the man?
Stephen Colbert: Let's pretend for a moment that I'm the man. Now, stick it to me.
Al Sharpton: uh... I'm not sticking it to anyone.
Stephen Colbert: Not even the man? He's very stickable.
Al Sharpton: I don't get thrilled by sticking it to you, I get thrilled by stopping you... sticking it... st... you're sticking it to me.
Al Sharpton: I don't know what street you got that language...
Stephen Colbert: The urban street. The mean streets.
Al Sharpton: I'm sticking up for a lot of people that have felt that no one has stuck up for them, but I'm not trying to stick it to anyone.
Stephen Colbert: Not even the man?
Al Sharpton: Who's the man?
Stephen Colbert: Let's pretend for a moment that I'm the man. Now, stick it to me.
Al Sharpton: uh... I'm not sticking it to anyone.
Stephen Colbert: Not even the man? He's very stickable.
Al Sharpton: I don't get thrilled by sticking it to you, I get thrilled by stopping you... sticking it... st... you're sticking it to me.
Jon Stewart: As you know, we cater to a pretty young audience, how does your message relate to young people?
Howard Dean: I think young people are interested in the environment and the economy because...
Jon Stewart: I'm sorry, I think we're speaking to a younger audience.
Howard Dean: Young people are interested in green grass, and not spending more money...
Jon Stewart: I think we need to go younger.
Howard Dean: OK... Cleanliness, and...
Jon Stewart: You know what, maybe you could just jangle your keys for a while.
Howard Dean: I think young people are interested in the environment and the economy because...
Jon Stewart: I'm sorry, I think we're speaking to a younger audience.
Howard Dean: Young people are interested in green grass, and not spending more money...
Jon Stewart: I think we need to go younger.
Howard Dean: OK... Cleanliness, and...
Jon Stewart: You know what, maybe you could just jangle your keys for a while.
Stephen Colbert: You're saying they
[MSNBC]
Stephen Colbert: can say anything they want? They can say that Al Sharpton will carry Wyoming, that the ballot boxes will run red with the blood of the goat, that Hispanics are the new soccer moms, and no one questions that? There aren't any repercussions when they're wrong, nobody gets fired?
Jon Stewart: ...No.
Stephen Colbert: I gotta get one of those jobs.
[MSNBC]
Stephen Colbert: can say anything they want? They can say that Al Sharpton will carry Wyoming, that the ballot boxes will run red with the blood of the goat, that Hispanics are the new soccer moms, and no one questions that? There aren't any repercussions when they're wrong, nobody gets fired?
Jon Stewart: ...No.
Stephen Colbert: I gotta get one of those jobs.
Samantha Bee: As you know, the cornerstone of Edwards' campaign has been the idea of two Americas. Take a look.
[John Edwards describes "two Americas" in several clips]
Samantha Bee: See that? Two Americas. The bad news is, in *this* America, John Edwards has had his ass handed to him. However, in the other America, Edwards is doing quite well. In fact, he's won twenty-nine of thirty contests. Quite impressive.
Jon Stewart: Now, Samantha, how did he manage to lose a primary in another America of his own invention?
[John Edwards describes "two Americas" in several clips]
Samantha Bee: See that? Two Americas. The bad news is, in *this* America, John Edwards has had his ass handed to him. However, in the other America, Edwards is doing quite well. In fact, he's won twenty-nine of thirty contests. Quite impressive.
Jon Stewart: Now, Samantha, how did he manage to lose a primary in another America of his own invention?
Jon Stewart: Over the past year, several infants have been forbidden to board planes because they shared their name with someone on a government no-fly list. Officials say confusion may stem from Madison being the most popular girl's name last year and number one for boys being Tariq Al Bin Muhammed.
Jon Stewart: So, Stephen, how was Louisiana?
Stephen Colbert: I don't know, Jon, why do you ask?
Jon Stewart: You were just there.
Stephen Colbert: Okay, I'll bite. What was I doing there?
Jon Stewart: You did a story about drive-through daquiri bars.
Stephen Colbert: Oh, no, Jon. I think I would have remembered that. Unless, of course, I was drinking. When I drink, I tend to black out. That's why I drink - to forget the blackouts. I'm kinda confused, obviously... I need a drink. You got any liquor around here? No? that's all right - I always make sure to carry a bottle of Ice Blue Aqua Velva with me. I am an Aqua Velva man. Want any?
Jon Stewart: No, no after shave for me, thanks.
Stephen Colbert: I don't know, Jon, why do you ask?
Jon Stewart: You were just there.
Stephen Colbert: Okay, I'll bite. What was I doing there?
Jon Stewart: You did a story about drive-through daquiri bars.
Stephen Colbert: Oh, no, Jon. I think I would have remembered that. Unless, of course, I was drinking. When I drink, I tend to black out. That's why I drink - to forget the blackouts. I'm kinda confused, obviously... I need a drink. You got any liquor around here? No? that's all right - I always make sure to carry a bottle of Ice Blue Aqua Velva with me. I am an Aqua Velva man. Want any?
Jon Stewart: No, no after shave for me, thanks.
Jon Stewart: [on Cindy Sheehan and the conservative media] The old guilt- by-association argument. She hangs out with Michael Moore whose film Bowling For Columbine featured Charlie Heston... who played a Mexican in Touch of Evil... Mexico speaks the same language as Cuba... where Fidel Castro plotted to kill JFK... as seen in the film starring Kevin Bacon. Oh, Cindy Sheehan! Why do you and your liberal cohorts plan to kill Kevin Bacon?
[on talking about Cheney failing to pass a bill through the senate]
Jon Stewart: So let me get this straight. You control the White House, the Senate, the house, and congress. And the only thing that got between you and getting what you want, were these two guys?
[shows a picture of John Kerry and John Edwards]
Jon Stewart: And you call yourself evil!
Jon Stewart: So let me get this straight. You control the White House, the Senate, the house, and congress. And the only thing that got between you and getting what you want, were these two guys?
[shows a picture of John Kerry and John Edwards]
Jon Stewart: And you call yourself evil!
Steve Carrell: [as announcer for Moviefone] Hello, and welcome to Moviefone. To select "The Passion of the Christ", press 1. To select Jesus Christ as your personal savior, press 2. If you were one of they who mocked him, ye I say unto thee, press 3. To hear these instructions again in Tongues, press 4.
Jon Stewart: [after a senator equates gay marriage with people marrying animals] So to sum it up, it will take two thirds of both Houses of Congress plus three quarters of the states to pass an amendment saying that two straight parents are better than one straight parent which is still better than two gay parents which is equal to a guy screwing a turtle.
Contributor, 'Back in Black': [after showing a commercial advocating President Bush] Here's the message I'm getting from this commercial: "We had to take out Sadam Hussein because, as the Communist leader of Germany, he blew up the World Trade Center, and that's why we went to Vietnam. Vote for Reagan!"
Jon Stewart: Vice President Dick Cheney said that Howard Dean's comments about America being a "white Christian nation" were over the top. Folks, that is not over the top. An over the top statement would be something like, "Republicans like to sodomize sheep and drink piss straight from their
[beep]
Jon Stewart: "! That's over the top. That's straight from the
[words beeped out]
Jon Stewart: .
[beep]
Jon Stewart: "! That's over the top. That's straight from the
[words beeped out]
Jon Stewart: .
Jon Stewart: Samantha, could you describe what caused the blackout?
Samantha Bee: Well, Jon, at about two in the afternoon, a power station overloaded at the Lake Erie Loop. The power grid failed. Jon?
Jon Stewart: Is that all?
Samantha Bee: Pretty much.
Jon Stewart: Do you even know how the power is distributed?
Samantha Bee: Evenly?
Jon Stewart: Do you know what the distributing process is?
Samantha Bee: [uncertainly] Well, first they shovel the energy into a big pile... and put it in wheelbarrows... and then they roll it down to the transformers.
Jon Stewart: Transformers?
Samantha Bee: You know, big robots; turn into cars; shoot lasers out their eyes?
Samantha Bee: Well, Jon, at about two in the afternoon, a power station overloaded at the Lake Erie Loop. The power grid failed. Jon?
Jon Stewart: Is that all?
Samantha Bee: Pretty much.
Jon Stewart: Do you even know how the power is distributed?
Samantha Bee: Evenly?
Jon Stewart: Do you know what the distributing process is?
Samantha Bee: [uncertainly] Well, first they shovel the energy into a big pile... and put it in wheelbarrows... and then they roll it down to the transformers.
Jon Stewart: Transformers?
Samantha Bee: You know, big robots; turn into cars; shoot lasers out their eyes?
[on the 2000 election]
Jon Stewart: What's your overall sense of the mood down at the Republican convention floor. How did it feel to be there last night during the speech?
Stephen Colbert: Well, Jon, as a journalist I have to maintain my objectivity, but I would say the feeling down here was one of a pervasive and palpable evil. A thick demonic stench that rolls over you and clings like hot black tar, a nightmare from which you cannot awaken, a nameless fear that lives in the dark spaces beyond your peripheral vision and drives you toward inhuman cruelties and unspeakable perversions. The delegates' bloated, pustulent bodies twisting from one obscene form to another, giant spider-shaped and ravenous wolf-headed creatures who feast upon the flesh of the innocent and suck the marrow from the bones of the poor.
Jon Stewart: What's your overall sense of the mood down at the Republican convention floor. How did it feel to be there last night during the speech?
Stephen Colbert: Well, Jon, as a journalist I have to maintain my objectivity, but I would say the feeling down here was one of a pervasive and palpable evil. A thick demonic stench that rolls over you and clings like hot black tar, a nightmare from which you cannot awaken, a nameless fear that lives in the dark spaces beyond your peripheral vision and drives you toward inhuman cruelties and unspeakable perversions. The delegates' bloated, pustulent bodies twisting from one obscene form to another, giant spider-shaped and ravenous wolf-headed creatures who feast upon the flesh of the innocent and suck the marrow from the bones of the poor.
Stephen Colbert: [on the white house's new chef] I think the right may be shocked to learn she once made an organic quince tart with a lactose free cremon glaze for a vegan banquet.
Jon Stewart: [shrugs] Why would that upset the right?
Stephen Colbert: It's gay food, Jon. About as gay as it gets. Might as well just stick it up your butt.
Jon Stewart: [shrugs] Why would that upset the right?
Stephen Colbert: It's gay food, Jon. About as gay as it gets. Might as well just stick it up your butt.
Jon Stewart: It's 11:00 tonight, which means that we have probably already declared war. By the time this show reruns at 7:00, we'll be at war. By the 4:00 rerun, we'll be done with the war. Which means that by tomorrow night's episode at 11:00, we'll be done with the war and be declaring war on France.
Jon Stewart: [CNN mentioned Princes William and Harry, saying that William is a student and Harry is known for mischief] Prince Harry is "known for mischief"? Maybe this is CNN's tribute to the British penchant for understatement.
[trademark bewildered Jon look]
Jon Stewart: CNN then said Charles' ears were "noticeable" and called World War II a "bit of pudding".
[trademark bewildered Jon look]
Jon Stewart: CNN then said Charles' ears were "noticeable" and called World War II a "bit of pudding".
Jon Stewart: [August 2002] While Clinton was partial to Hollywood heavyweights like Stephen Spielberg and Barbra Streisand, Bush has courted his own version of celebrity royalty, like pro golfer Ben Crenshaw and country singer Larry Gatlin. Not at the same time, of course. I mean, you'd just be begging for the place to get trashed.
Patrick Leahy: We pass a law that says it's against the law to murder someone in the United States.
Jon Stewart: [stuttering] We-we don't have that law? I'll be right back.
[Jon runs away, jumps out the door]
Jon Stewart: Ha, ha! Hobo! I got to find me a hobo!
[runs up to hobo and starts strangling him]
Jon Stewart: Ahhh! Hobo! How do you like that hobo?
Man: Hey, murder's already illegal!
[Jon runs back to news desk]
Jon Stewart: [stuttering] We-we don't have that law? I'll be right back.
[Jon runs away, jumps out the door]
Jon Stewart: Ha, ha! Hobo! I got to find me a hobo!
[runs up to hobo and starts strangling him]
Jon Stewart: Ahhh! Hobo! How do you like that hobo?
Man: Hey, murder's already illegal!
[Jon runs back to news desk]
Jon Stewart: The official CIA report, the Duelfer report, has come out. The one that they've been working on for the past two years that will be the definitive answer on the weapons of mass destruction programs in Iraq, and it turns out, uh, not so much. Apparently, there were no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, and their capabilities had been degraded, and they pretty much stopped trying anything in '98. Both the president and the vice president have come out today in response to the findings and said that they clearly justify the invasion of Iraq. So, uh, some people look at a glass and see it as half full, and other people look at a glass and say that it's a dragon.
Mel Gibson: [during an interview with Diane Sawyer] God ordains everything. God made my bed, you know?
Jon Stewart: ...Mel Gibson is one lazy mother
[beep]
Jon Stewart: . Can't you make your own bed? God has things to do! Make your bed! God can't say, "I have to end a famine... Oh, wait! Gibson's bed!"
Jon Stewart: ...Mel Gibson is one lazy mother
[beep]
Jon Stewart: . Can't you make your own bed? God has things to do! Make your bed! God can't say, "I have to end a famine... Oh, wait! Gibson's bed!"
Rep. Duncan Hunter: [on how the 20th 9/11 hijacker is being treated at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba] ... his dinner is noodles Jefferson.
Jon Stewart: Noodles Jefferson! I think I went to high school with that guy. I went to high school with Noodles Je... I remember very clearly we called him "Noodles" because... ehh... of his fondness for... uhhh... he liked noodles. Big fan of the noodles. What are ya eatin' today... noodles.
Jon Stewart: Noodles Jefferson! I think I went to high school with that guy. I went to high school with Noodles Je... I remember very clearly we called him "Noodles" because... ehh... of his fondness for... uhhh... he liked noodles. Big fan of the noodles. What are ya eatin' today... noodles.
[as Dennis Kucinich holds a peace sign after voting]
Jon Stewart: Congressman Dennis Kucinich voted in his home state of Ohio. As he left the booth, he held up a peace sign... and held it... and held it... he's holding it... and still holding it. Kucinich was then asked for the millionth time why he was still running for president; at that point, he lowered one of the fingers.
Jon Stewart: Congressman Dennis Kucinich voted in his home state of Ohio. As he left the booth, he held up a peace sign... and held it... and held it... he's holding it... and still holding it. Kucinich was then asked for the millionth time why he was still running for president; at that point, he lowered one of the fingers.
Contributor, 'Back in Black': Now, we all know the best medical advice doesn't come from the church or some machine, but from the people you trust the most: celebrities! Actor and lovestruck Scientologist Tom Cruise appeared on the Today Show last Friday, where he shared his beliefs on mental health.
Tom Cruise: I've never agreed with psychiatry, ever. Before I was a scientologist, I never agreed with psychiatry. And I know that psychiatry is a pseudo science.
Contributor, 'Back in Black': Unlike scientology. I mean, that's got science right in the name!
Contributor, 'Back in Black': The climax came when Matt Lauer suggested that therapy and anti-depressants might work for some people.
Tom Cruise: Do you know what Adderall is? Do you know Ritalin? Do you know now that Ritalin is a street drug? Do you understand that? You don't know the history of psychiatry; I do. There is no such thing as a chemical imbalance.
Contributor, 'Back in Black': No? Then, what do you call what's happening to you right now?
Tom Cruise: I've never agreed with psychiatry, ever. Before I was a scientologist, I never agreed with psychiatry. And I know that psychiatry is a pseudo science.
Contributor, 'Back in Black': Unlike scientology. I mean, that's got science right in the name!
Contributor, 'Back in Black': The climax came when Matt Lauer suggested that therapy and anti-depressants might work for some people.
Tom Cruise: Do you know what Adderall is? Do you know Ritalin? Do you know now that Ritalin is a street drug? Do you understand that? You don't know the history of psychiatry; I do. There is no such thing as a chemical imbalance.
Contributor, 'Back in Black': No? Then, what do you call what's happening to you right now?
Ed Helms: Jon, I'm here at the hospital where Austin lawyer and Republican fundraiser Harry Whittington is in stable condition after being shot by Vice President Dick Cheney during a weekend quail hunting expedition. Doctors say he's recovering quickly after being shot in the face by the vice president. I'll be here all day with continuous coverage of how Vice President Dick Cheney shot a 78-year-old man in the face, after he mistook him for a small bird.
Bill Donahue: Who really cares what Hollywood thinks? All these hacks come out there. Hollywood is controlled by secular Jews who hate Christianity in general, and Catholicism in particular. It's not a secret, okay? And I'm not afraid to say it. That's why they hate this movie. It's about Jesus Christ, and it's about truth. It's about the Messiah. Hollywood likes anal sex. They like to see the public square without nativity scenes. I like families. I like children. They like abortions. I believe in traditional values and restraint. They believe in libertarianism. We have nothing in common.
Jon Stewart: What the fuck is this guy's problem?
Jon Stewart: What the fuck is this guy's problem?
Contributor, 'Back in Black': Growing up, my baseball heroes were Wade Boggs, Babe Ruth, and even Joe DiMaggio. They were drunks! They had to overcome their substance! So why can't baseball go back to its roots? Forget the performance-enhancing drugs and bring back the performance-hindering ones! At the very least, do it for the children!
Jon Stewart: [on the U.S. overthrow of Saddam Hussein] No matter what side of the political spectrum you are on, if you are incapable of feeling at least a tiny amount of joy at watching ordinary Iraqis celebrate this, you are lost to the ideological left. And let me also add if you are incapable of feeling badly that we even had to use force in the first place, you are ideologically lost to the right. And I would implore both of those groups to leave the room now.
Dennis Kucinich (Recorded interview on Larry King): Well, I'm looking forward to the upcoming primaries down south, I think I'm doing pretty well. I got more than one percent of the vote in the last primary.
Jon Stewart: Huzzah! More than one out of a hundred people has voted 'Kucinich!' Break out the champagne!
Jon Stewart: Huzzah! More than one out of a hundred people has voted 'Kucinich!' Break out the champagne!
Jon Stewart: [footage of a guy on TV saying: "Hollywood is controlled by secular Jews and loves anal sex"] Uh... what the fuck is this guy's problem? First of all, Hollywood does not love anal sex. It *loves* it. And second, if Hollywood were run by secular Jews, I would be on a network and Leno, Letterman, and O'Brien would be on Animal Planet.
Jon Stewart: What do those drugs do, Rob?
Rob Corddry: Ask your doctor.
Jon Stewart: Seriously, what do they do?
Rob Corddry: Seriously, Jon, ask your doctor. I don't know. See, if a pharmaceutical company advertises a prescription drug but doesn't say what it does, the FDA doesn't make them list the side effects. That's why the TV spots for the drugs I just mentioned don't give the foggiest indication for what those pills do other than that they seem to help old people ride tandem bicycles.
Rob Corddry: Ask your doctor.
Jon Stewart: Seriously, what do they do?
Rob Corddry: Seriously, Jon, ask your doctor. I don't know. See, if a pharmaceutical company advertises a prescription drug but doesn't say what it does, the FDA doesn't make them list the side effects. That's why the TV spots for the drugs I just mentioned don't give the foggiest indication for what those pills do other than that they seem to help old people ride tandem bicycles.
[about Wesley Clark's decision to drop out of the presidential race]
Jon Stewart: Now, Samantha, could you describe the attitude in Wesley Clark's campaign bus? I'd think it would be one of disappointment.
Samantha Bee: Well, Jon, if you can just *assume* my report, then I guess I don't have to be here in Arkansas.
Jon Stewart: I'm sorry, Samantha. Tell us, what was the mood in Clark's bus?
Samantha Bee: Actually, disappointment was pretty apt.
Jon Stewart: Now, Samantha, could you describe the attitude in Wesley Clark's campaign bus? I'd think it would be one of disappointment.
Samantha Bee: Well, Jon, if you can just *assume* my report, then I guess I don't have to be here in Arkansas.
Jon Stewart: I'm sorry, Samantha. Tell us, what was the mood in Clark's bus?
Samantha Bee: Actually, disappointment was pretty apt.
Stephen Colbert: It used to be that our elected officials were veterans of World War II, Vietnam, or the Civil Rights Movement. But with the election of Jesse Ventura in Minnesota and Arnold Schwarzenegger in California, I foresee a day when all our leaders will come from the movie "Predator." Think about it. Governor Carl Weathers. No, wait, *Senator* Predator. I bet he has some pretty interesting things to say about tort reform.
Contributor, 'Back in Black': War is all the rage these days, so let me lay another one on you - TIVO vs. Advertisers. With more and more Americans zapping commercials, advertisers are going guerilla on our asses. Taking it to new and better heights. For example, five-foot tall bulimic men. The Churchill Downs recently OK'd the jockeys to wear advertisements on their shorts. The commission for the Churchill Downs has stated in the past that it didn't want, quote "advertisements that would not taint or destroy the fine tradition here at Churchill Downs". That means that they didn't want ads tainting the nobility of gambling. Which means no ads for glue or dog food, it upsets the horses! So what did the ads permit? An ad for Hypnotiq, a liquor made from vodka, cognac, and tropical fruit juices. Just perfect for Derby Day. And it's the only drink more likely to make you puke than a mint julep. Baseball has also permitted these ads, but the players wont wear them. Not because of the purity of the game, but the ads conflict with the player's own endorsement deals. Speed Stick? I thought they endorsed Right Guard! Say it aint so!
Stephen Colbert: Are you afraid that associating with the Republican party might bring a taint of corruption to boxing?
Don King: Let me say this - I'm a promoter of the people for the people and by the people and my magic lies in my people ties. I'm a promoter of America. I'm American people. You know what I mean? So therefore, uh, do not send for who the bell tolls 'cause the bell tolls for thee.
Stephen Colbert: I'll take that as a "maybe"?
Don King: If a bullfrog had wings it wouldn't bump his behind every time he hopped.
Stephen Colbert: I... I get you.
Don King: Yes, thank you.
Stephen Colbert: What is it I get?
Don King: Let me say this - I'm a promoter of the people for the people and by the people and my magic lies in my people ties. I'm a promoter of America. I'm American people. You know what I mean? So therefore, uh, do not send for who the bell tolls 'cause the bell tolls for thee.
Stephen Colbert: I'll take that as a "maybe"?
Don King: If a bullfrog had wings it wouldn't bump his behind every time he hopped.
Stephen Colbert: I... I get you.
Don King: Yes, thank you.
Stephen Colbert: What is it I get?
Jon Stewart: So basically, if you want to make sense of the Bush Administration's foreign policy, this is the tone we take with a country whose leader is openly hostile to the United States and who has admitted having an active nuclear program.
George W. Bush: If Iran's leaders reject our offer, it will result in action before the Security Council!
Jon Stewart: This is the tone we take with a country whose leader is openly hostile to the United States and who we think might have been trying to reconstitute a nuclear program.
George W. Bush: America will not accept a serious and mounting threat to our country and our friends and our allies.
Jon Stewart: And this is how we deal with a guy who we know has a nuclear weapon and a missle that could hit California.
State Department spokesman Sean McCormack: Hey, everybody.
Jon Stewart: "Hey, everybody! North Korea's going to launch a nuclear missile. Hey, Mom!"
George W. Bush: If Iran's leaders reject our offer, it will result in action before the Security Council!
Jon Stewart: This is the tone we take with a country whose leader is openly hostile to the United States and who we think might have been trying to reconstitute a nuclear program.
George W. Bush: America will not accept a serious and mounting threat to our country and our friends and our allies.
Jon Stewart: And this is how we deal with a guy who we know has a nuclear weapon and a missle that could hit California.
State Department spokesman Sean McCormack: Hey, everybody.
Jon Stewart: "Hey, everybody! North Korea's going to launch a nuclear missile. Hey, Mom!"
Stephen Colbert: That's it for This Week In God. But before we go, let's check last week's collection plates! The Catholics are once again number one, no surprises there. The Baptists come in second, followed by the Methodists. Ooh, Scientology, I'll just check Variety. And finally, Jews for Jesus - buptkiss. But can you really put a price on offending two major religions at once?
Contributor, 'Back in Black': [discussing the new Wynn Hotel/Casino in Las Vegas] It's the most expensive hotel ever built. So how do they pay for it? By a three hour commercial otherwise known as The Today Show.
[footage of hosts saying "They let us in."]
Contributor, 'Back in Black': Really? For three hours of free advertising on network television, they just let you in the casino? Wow!
[footage of hosts saying "They let us in."]
Contributor, 'Back in Black': Really? For three hours of free advertising on network television, they just let you in the casino? Wow!
Jon Stewart: Al Gore, two term vice president who couldn't beat a one term Texas governor is launching Current, a new cable news channel being aimed at male, internet savvy viewers between the ages of 18 - 34. A very underrepresented niche market, which currently only has MTV, MTV2, Vh1, Fuse, G4Tech, Spike, Sci-Fi, all the ESPNs, Style, and everything else on television! Except of course for Pax and the new channel Hallmark Oldsters. One of the unique things about Current is Googlewatch, a half-hour show that features what people are searching for on the popular search engine. Just when you thought that television should feature more of Terri Hatcher + nude / buttshot.
Jon Stewart: Kerry could pose a serious threat.
Stephen Colbert: [talking like a biblical prophet] Threat, Jon? Threat? Tread carefully, newsman, lest your impudence embroil you in the coming battle tide. For the day is nigh when the armies of Rove shall come alive to claim their due. For lo! it has been foretold that the son of the forty-first king shall himself twice be crowned! The treasuries will be emptied! The ads unleashed! And the blue states will run red with the hundred million dollars of hellfire and retribution!
Stephen Colbert: [talking like a biblical prophet] Threat, Jon? Threat? Tread carefully, newsman, lest your impudence embroil you in the coming battle tide. For the day is nigh when the armies of Rove shall come alive to claim their due. For lo! it has been foretold that the son of the forty-first king shall himself twice be crowned! The treasuries will be emptied! The ads unleashed! And the blue states will run red with the hundred million dollars of hellfire and retribution!
Jon Stewart: Across the nation, thousands of people are lining up in hospital waiting rooms, out the doors, down the steps, around the corners, and behind the hedges, waiting for their inoculations. Here's another idea for avoiding the flu: DON'T stand outside in the cold for hours around lots of other people.
Stephen Colbert: Pretend that I'm you, the Reverend Al Sharpton, and you're me, Stephen Colbert. Tell me why me/you should vote for you/me.
Al Sharpton: You're Reverend Al Sharpton?
Stephen Colbert: I'm the Reverend Al Sharpton. You're Stephen Colbert. Tell me...
Al Sharpton: Tell Al Sharpton?
Stephen Colbert: Tell me/you why you/me should vote for me/you.
Al Sharpton: Because you/me are the best candidate, and you oughta know that.
Stephen Colbert: You're gonna have to back that up, because right now, you aren't persuading you.
Al Sharpton: You're Reverend Al Sharpton?
Stephen Colbert: I'm the Reverend Al Sharpton. You're Stephen Colbert. Tell me...
Al Sharpton: Tell Al Sharpton?
Stephen Colbert: Tell me/you why you/me should vote for me/you.
Al Sharpton: Because you/me are the best candidate, and you oughta know that.
Stephen Colbert: You're gonna have to back that up, because right now, you aren't persuading you.
[after discussing Bill O'Reilly's one-year-out-of-date, presumably sarcastic "Merry Christmas, Jon Stewart!"]
Jon Stewart: You know what? It's okay, if Bill O'Reilly needs to have an enemy, needs to feel persecuted, you know what? Here's my Kwanzaa gift to him. Are you ready? All right.
[holiday overlay frame fades in]
Jon Stewart: I'm your enemy, make me your enemy. I, Jon Stewart... hate Christmas. Christians! Jews- morality. And I will not rest, until every year, families gather to spend December 25th together... at Osama's homobortionpot'n'commiejizzporium.
[audience laughs and cheers]
Jon Stewart: You know what? It's okay, if Bill O'Reilly needs to have an enemy, needs to feel persecuted, you know what? Here's my Kwanzaa gift to him. Are you ready? All right.
[holiday overlay frame fades in]
Jon Stewart: I'm your enemy, make me your enemy. I, Jon Stewart... hate Christmas. Christians! Jews- morality. And I will not rest, until every year, families gather to spend December 25th together... at Osama's homobortionpot'n'commiejizzporium.
[audience laughs and cheers]
Rob Corddry: The mood here at Kerry's headquarters is one of absolute celebration, Jon, elation.
Jon Stewart: Unbelievable! Even 24 hours later, spirits are still high at the Kerry camp.
Rob Corddry: There's a *lot* of things still high at the Kerry camp, Jon! Spirits would be one of them, most of the junior campaign staff would be the other!
[to people offscreen]
Rob Corddry: Hey, guys, come on, don't forget to breathe out!
Jon Stewart: Unbelievable! Even 24 hours later, spirits are still high at the Kerry camp.
Rob Corddry: There's a *lot* of things still high at the Kerry camp, Jon! Spirits would be one of them, most of the junior campaign staff would be the other!
[to people offscreen]
Rob Corddry: Hey, guys, come on, don't forget to breathe out!
Jon Stewart: What is this 'Party of Death' and what can we do to defeat it?
Ramesh Ponnuru: The 'Party of Death' is a term I use to describe all the forces in our politics and culture that are undermining the right to life.
Jon Stewart: And that would be in the domain of the Democrats, the media, and the courts.
Ramesh Ponnuru: And more broadly in the rest of society.
Jon Stewart: Now, I read your book. The rest of society isn't mentioned.
Ramesh Ponnuru: The 'Party of Death' is a term I use to describe all the forces in our politics and culture that are undermining the right to life.
Jon Stewart: And that would be in the domain of the Democrats, the media, and the courts.
Ramesh Ponnuru: And more broadly in the rest of society.
Jon Stewart: Now, I read your book. The rest of society isn't mentioned.
Rob Corddry: That's why we have this. It's the liberal media filter. It was invented in the 1950s by angry gays and Jews who couldn't get work in musical theater. You know all those nice things you said about President Bush?
Jon Stewart: Yes, all those nice things that I said.
Rob Corddry: Well, thanks to this filter, they all appear to come out negative.
Jon Stewart: Is there a conservative media filter?
Rob Corddry: They're working on it - it's a work in progress. Although they don't seem to really dig technology all that much.
Jon Stewart: Yes, all those nice things that I said.
Rob Corddry: Well, thanks to this filter, they all appear to come out negative.
Jon Stewart: Is there a conservative media filter?
Rob Corddry: They're working on it - it's a work in progress. Although they don't seem to really dig technology all that much.
Jon Stewart: [about the 2nd Inauguration of George W. Bush] The moment we've all been waiting for: the official half-way point of the George W. Bush presidency.
Judge: I, George Walker Bush.
George W. Bush: I, George Walker Bush.
Judge: Do solemnly swear.
George W. Bush: Do solemnly swear.
Jon Stewart: At which point, 49% of the country, also, solemnly swore.
Judge: I, George Walker Bush.
George W. Bush: I, George Walker Bush.
Judge: Do solemnly swear.
George W. Bush: Do solemnly swear.
Jon Stewart: At which point, 49% of the country, also, solemnly swore.
Jon Stewart: [Oprah has just given away free cars] See, here's where Oprah has violated the talk show code. Treating the audience like shit. Seriously, she gives away cars and you guys stand in the freezing cold weather for what? This piece of shit show? A bunch of random jokes followed by some interview where I pretend to be remotely interested? We have a green room with a nice couch, big screen TV, snacks, and other nice things, but do we let our audience use it? No.
