The Change-Up Quotes
Dave is a married man with three kids and a loving wife, and Mitch is a single man who is at the prime of his sexual life. One fateful night while Mitch and Dave are peeing in a fountain, lightning strikes and they switch bodies.
Cara Lockwood: [runs toward Mitch] Uncle Mitch!
Mitch Planko: [hugs Cara and tosses her lightly into the air] How's my favorite ballerina doing?
Cara Lockwood: Hi, Uncle Mitch!
Mitch Planko: Hi! Wow! Gosh, you're so light - are you dieting?
Cara Lockwood: You want to come to my dance recital?
Mitch Planko: Oh, no, honey... the only style of dancing that Uncle Mitch likes involves a big, shiny pole and a broken woman with daddy issues.
Mitch Planko: [hugs Cara and tosses her lightly into the air] How's my favorite ballerina doing?
Cara Lockwood: Hi, Uncle Mitch!
Mitch Planko: Hi! Wow! Gosh, you're so light - are you dieting?
Cara Lockwood: You want to come to my dance recital?
Mitch Planko: Oh, no, honey... the only style of dancing that Uncle Mitch likes involves a big, shiny pole and a broken woman with daddy issues.
[office phone rings]
Dave: [puts phone on speaker] Hello?
Mitch Planko: Penis, shit, vagina, cock, wolf pussies!
Dave's Secretary, Patricia: [stares in shock into Dave's office from her desk]
Dave: [quickly puts phone off speaker] Mitch. I'm at work.
Mitch Planko: [wearing a headset while swinging a samurai sword] Did I get you?
Dave: Yeah. Sure did.
Mitch Planko: You have me on speaker phone?
Dave: Yup.
Mitch Planko: Secretary hear?
Dave: Yes, the secretary heard. She heard it all.
Mitch Planko: Ha! That's awesome.
Dave: Not really. How stoned are you right now?
Dave: [puts phone on speaker] Hello?
Mitch Planko: Penis, shit, vagina, cock, wolf pussies!
Dave's Secretary, Patricia: [stares in shock into Dave's office from her desk]
Dave: [quickly puts phone off speaker] Mitch. I'm at work.
Mitch Planko: [wearing a headset while swinging a samurai sword] Did I get you?
Dave: Yeah. Sure did.
Mitch Planko: You have me on speaker phone?
Dave: Yup.
Mitch Planko: Secretary hear?
Dave: Yes, the secretary heard. She heard it all.
Mitch Planko: Ha! That's awesome.
Dave: Not really. How stoned are you right now?
Mitch Planko: [pokes baby Peter] Hey, what's your name? What's your - what's your name?
Mitch Planko: [looks at Dave and Jamie] Why can't they talk yet? Are they retarded or something?
Dave: Now, see, you can't say that.
Mitch Planko: [points at Peter] Well, at least this one right here seems a little... a little downsy.
Mitch Planko: [looks at Dave and Jamie] Why can't they talk yet? Are they retarded or something?
Dave: Now, see, you can't say that.
Mitch Planko: [points at Peter] Well, at least this one right here seems a little... a little downsy.
Dave: [Mitch's line as Dave] "Here's what you do: what you do is you f__k verbal resolution, okay? You put that whore on her back, and you SHANK her. Do you know how to make a shiv? Listen to me: If somebody comes at you with a knife, you put her whole family in the morgue. That is jail-yard justice. Because if you don't come back hard on a b___h, you're going to end up getting sold for a pack of Camel Lights and a Jell-O Cup. Do you understand what I'm saying to you?... Always solve your problems with violence!"
Mitch Planko: We do the Wheelbarrow, the Arabian Goggles, the Lonesome Dove, the Arsenio Hall, the Jelly Donut, the Pastrami Sandwich, the Wolfgang Puck. And let me tell you something, no man is that hungry.
Dave: What? I don't even know what these are.
Mitch Planko: You're married. You're married, Dave.
Dave: What? I don't even know what these are.
Mitch Planko: You're married. You're married, Dave.
