The 'Burbs Quotes
An overstressed suburbanite and his paramilitaric neighbor struggle to prove their paranoid theory that the new family in town is a front for a cannibalistic cult.
Ray Peterson: Remember what you were saying about people in the 'burbs, Art, people like Skip, people who mow their lawn for the 800th time, and then SNAP? WELL, THAT'S US. IT'S NOT THEM, THAT'S US. WE'RE the ones who are vaulting over the fences, and peeking in through people's windows. We're the ones who are THROWING GARBAGE IN THE STREET, AND LIGHTING FIRES. WE'RE THE ONES WHO ARE ACTING SUSPICIOUS AND PARANOID, ART. WE'RE THE LUNATICS. US. IT'S NOT THEM. It's us.
Art Wiengartner: [after a pause] I don't know what to say... What, do you want me to move?
Art Wiengartner: [after a pause] I don't know what to say... What, do you want me to move?
Ray Peterson: [chanting] I'm not going to listen to this, I'm not going to hear this now.
Art: Ray! Ray! You're chanting!
[points to book]
Art: Ray, unconscious chanting! You're chanting!
Ray Peterson: [continues chanting with fingers in ears]
Art: [chants] I want to kill everyone. Satan is good. Satan is our pal.
Art: Hey, once they get in here...
[points to Ray's head]
Art: ...it's over, pal.
Art: Ray! Ray! You're chanting!
[points to book]
Art: Ray, unconscious chanting! You're chanting!
Ray Peterson: [continues chanting with fingers in ears]
Art: [chants] I want to kill everyone. Satan is good. Satan is our pal.
Art: Hey, once they get in here...
[points to Ray's head]
Art: ...it's over, pal.
Ricky Butler: Ya know, did you ever see the movie, "The Sentinel", Mr. Peterson? It's about the old guy who owned the apartment, which is kind of like the, uh, gateway to Hell?
Ray Peterson: No, I... I didn't see that.
Ricky Butler: Oh, well, I was doing some thinking. And, you know, being that their last house burnt down and all, it's like, maybe... somebody left the gate open.
[a generator starts up from the Klopek's basement]
Art Wiengartner: It's them. They're movin' around again. Ya know... it was a night just like this that it happened.
Ricky Butler: What happened, Mr. Weingartner?
Art Wiengartner: Oh, it was a long time ago, Ricky. Hinkley Hills was a lot smaller then... safer too! You never had to lock your doors. Everybody knew everybody. I must have been maybe oh nine - ten years-old. You know where the big mall is?
Ricky Butler: Yeah.
Art Wiengartner: Well, there used to be a big drugstore on the corner there, had a big soda fountain, remember?
Ray Peterson: Yeah.
Art Wiengartner: Yeah, and the guy who ran it was a - was a rotund guy, had glasses. His name was Skip. Lived over on Elm, had a wife, a couple of kids, ya know? Not too sharp, I mean, hey the guy's 40 years old, he's wearing a paper hat and he's makin' cherry Cokes, it's a cinch he's not runnin' for governor, right?
[Ricky chuckles]
Art Wiengartner: Anyway, it got hot that summer, I remember it got REAL hot. It was sweltering. Ya know that heat where your underwear sweats and it crawls up the... anyway, it's hot, okay? And they start... they start smellin' this... this really vile stench over on Elm and they figure it's comin' from Skip's place. And no one wants to say anything, I mean, what do you do, go knock on the guys door, "Hi, you're house stinks"? So - so people are trying to ignore it, right? They're trying to pretend it - it isn't happening. A-and you know those pine things? They're trying to cover up with those pine things that you can put in cars. People are hanging those on their porches.
[Ricky laughs]
Art Wiengartner: Oh, you think that's funny, Rick?
Ricky Butler: Well, yeah.
Art Wiengartner: Well yeah - let me tell you what happened next, OK. The state health inspector shows up. They go over, they talk to Skip, he says he's got a sump pump problem. They leave. Hey, they guy's got a sewer problem, he says he'll look after it, everything's okay, right?
Ricky Butler: Right.
Art Wiengartner: Wrong. A couple hours later there's smoke pouring out of the windows of Skip's house. The firemen show up, they go into Skip's house. Ya know what they find?
Ricky Butler: What?
Art Wiengartner: Skip's family, dead. Murdered... by Skip... weeks earlier... with an ice pick. Yeah, the guy killed his own family with an ice pick. Yeah... yeah just put 'em in the cool basement, covered 'em up with a sheet and went back to makin' ice cream treats for the townsfolk. Only thing... Skip didn't count on there being a big heat wave that summer. You know what that was that all those people were smelling over on Elm, Ricky?
Ricky Butler: What?
Art Wiengartner: Skip's family's bodies, decomposing in the summer heat
[Ricky whistles]
Art Wiengartner: . Yeah apparently, one day Skip made just made one too many lemon phosphates,
[snaps fingers]
Art Wiengartner: El snappo!
Ray Peterson: No, I... I didn't see that.
Ricky Butler: Oh, well, I was doing some thinking. And, you know, being that their last house burnt down and all, it's like, maybe... somebody left the gate open.
[a generator starts up from the Klopek's basement]
Art Wiengartner: It's them. They're movin' around again. Ya know... it was a night just like this that it happened.
Ricky Butler: What happened, Mr. Weingartner?
Art Wiengartner: Oh, it was a long time ago, Ricky. Hinkley Hills was a lot smaller then... safer too! You never had to lock your doors. Everybody knew everybody. I must have been maybe oh nine - ten years-old. You know where the big mall is?
Ricky Butler: Yeah.
Art Wiengartner: Well, there used to be a big drugstore on the corner there, had a big soda fountain, remember?
Ray Peterson: Yeah.
Art Wiengartner: Yeah, and the guy who ran it was a - was a rotund guy, had glasses. His name was Skip. Lived over on Elm, had a wife, a couple of kids, ya know? Not too sharp, I mean, hey the guy's 40 years old, he's wearing a paper hat and he's makin' cherry Cokes, it's a cinch he's not runnin' for governor, right?
[Ricky chuckles]
Art Wiengartner: Anyway, it got hot that summer, I remember it got REAL hot. It was sweltering. Ya know that heat where your underwear sweats and it crawls up the... anyway, it's hot, okay? And they start... they start smellin' this... this really vile stench over on Elm and they figure it's comin' from Skip's place. And no one wants to say anything, I mean, what do you do, go knock on the guys door, "Hi, you're house stinks"? So - so people are trying to ignore it, right? They're trying to pretend it - it isn't happening. A-and you know those pine things? They're trying to cover up with those pine things that you can put in cars. People are hanging those on their porches.
[Ricky laughs]
Art Wiengartner: Oh, you think that's funny, Rick?
Ricky Butler: Well, yeah.
Art Wiengartner: Well yeah - let me tell you what happened next, OK. The state health inspector shows up. They go over, they talk to Skip, he says he's got a sump pump problem. They leave. Hey, they guy's got a sewer problem, he says he'll look after it, everything's okay, right?
Ricky Butler: Right.
Art Wiengartner: Wrong. A couple hours later there's smoke pouring out of the windows of Skip's house. The firemen show up, they go into Skip's house. Ya know what they find?
Ricky Butler: What?
Art Wiengartner: Skip's family, dead. Murdered... by Skip... weeks earlier... with an ice pick. Yeah, the guy killed his own family with an ice pick. Yeah... yeah just put 'em in the cool basement, covered 'em up with a sheet and went back to makin' ice cream treats for the townsfolk. Only thing... Skip didn't count on there being a big heat wave that summer. You know what that was that all those people were smelling over on Elm, Ricky?
Ricky Butler: What?
Art Wiengartner: Skip's family's bodies, decomposing in the summer heat
[Ricky whistles]
Art Wiengartner: . Yeah apparently, one day Skip made just made one too many lemon phosphates,
[snaps fingers]
Art Wiengartner: El snappo!
Art: I think the message to, uh, psychos, fanatics, murderers, nutcases all over the world is, uh, "do not mess with suburbanites". Because, uh, frankly we're just not gonna take it any more. Ya know, we're not gonna be content to look after our lawns and wax our cars, paint out houses. We're out to get them, Don, we are out to get them.
Art Wiengartner: I don't know if you've noticed, but there's bars on the basement windows here.
Ray Peterson: They've got holes in their porch, too.
Art Wiengartner: Argh! That was a booby trap.
Ray Peterson: Are you okay?
Art Wiengartner: Yeah.
Ray Peterson: Oh, booby trap. I'm not gonna pay for that.
Art Wiengartner: We shouldn't pay for that, we should sue them.
Ray Peterson: They've got holes in their porch, too.
Art Wiengartner: Argh! That was a booby trap.
Ray Peterson: Are you okay?
Art Wiengartner: Yeah.
Ray Peterson: Oh, booby trap. I'm not gonna pay for that.
Art Wiengartner: We shouldn't pay for that, we should sue them.
Art Wiengartner: Go ahead, tell him, Ray. We got the goods on them, don't we? You know, some day they're going to dig up the back of that yard and they're gonna find the rest of that skeleton to go with that femur. Oh it might not be Walter but it's gonna be some...
Ray Peterson: Shut up. SHUT UP, ART, SHUT UP! God, you don't know when to quit, do you? Look at me! I'm a shell of a man because of you, Art!
Ray Peterson: Shut up. SHUT UP, ART, SHUT UP! God, you don't know when to quit, do you? Look at me! I'm a shell of a man because of you, Art!
Mark Rumsfield: [Ray takes Walter's toupee out of his shorts] Are you implying that you've been carrying that around in your shorts all day?
Ray Peterson: After you left Walter's house yesterday, I slipped this back in, through the mail slot.
Art Wiengartner: Well, where'd you get this then?
[Ray gestures to the Klopeck's house]
Ray Peterson: After the dog came up out of the basement, I found it wedged in between a bunch of magazines all of which I might add, were addressed to Walter!
Art Wiengartner: Then that means that...
Mark Rumsfield: Klopeck went back into the house and got the hair. What do we do now, soldier?
Ray Peterson: Well you heard them say they're leaving tomorrow morning? As soon as they're gone, I'm going over that fence, and I'm not coming back until I find a dead body.
Ray Peterson: After you left Walter's house yesterday, I slipped this back in, through the mail slot.
Art Wiengartner: Well, where'd you get this then?
[Ray gestures to the Klopeck's house]
Ray Peterson: After the dog came up out of the basement, I found it wedged in between a bunch of magazines all of which I might add, were addressed to Walter!
Art Wiengartner: Then that means that...
Mark Rumsfield: Klopeck went back into the house and got the hair. What do we do now, soldier?
Ray Peterson: Well you heard them say they're leaving tomorrow morning? As soon as they're gone, I'm going over that fence, and I'm not coming back until I find a dead body.
Carol Peterson: Where are you going?
Ray Peterson: I can't walk anywhere without you asking me where I'm going - I'm going to Paris, France, okay? I'm going to Banff, Canada, alright? That's where I'm going.
Carol Peterson: Are you taking the dog?
Ray Peterson: Yeah, yeah, I'm taking the dog for a walk.
Ray Peterson: I can't walk anywhere without you asking me where I'm going - I'm going to Paris, France, okay? I'm going to Banff, Canada, alright? That's where I'm going.
Carol Peterson: Are you taking the dog?
Ray Peterson: Yeah, yeah, I'm taking the dog for a walk.
Ray Peterson: I've been blown up, take me to the hospital.
[Lays on a gurney]
Ray Peterson: Take me to a hospital, I'm sick. What...?
[Jumps up, throws the gurney in back of an ambulance than jumps on top of it]
Carol Peterson: Honey? I'll just find out what hospital they're taking you to and then I'll... Follow right along. Okay?
Ray Peterson: [Laying face down on the gurney] Okay, honey.
[Lays on a gurney]
Ray Peterson: Take me to a hospital, I'm sick. What...?
[Jumps up, throws the gurney in back of an ambulance than jumps on top of it]
Carol Peterson: Honey? I'll just find out what hospital they're taking you to and then I'll... Follow right along. Okay?
Ray Peterson: [Laying face down on the gurney] Okay, honey.
Art: Rumsfield and I, we flushed them out. We wrote a note, we slipped it under the door, we rang the bell and then we ran.
Ray Peterson: You did that?
Art: Yeah.
Ray Peterson: [Jumps up] OH GEEZ! STUPID IDI - I can't believe you - -
[Crushes a beer can]
Art: All I did was write, "I know what you've done". That's all. I didn't sign it.
Ray Peterson: OH! I can't belie - YOU STUPID... GOD!
Art: You gotta goose these people every once in a while. You gotta give them a little shot, give them a little whack, let them know that you're there.
Ray Peterson: You did that?
Art: Yeah.
Ray Peterson: [Jumps up] OH GEEZ! STUPID IDI - I can't believe you - -
[Crushes a beer can]
Art: All I did was write, "I know what you've done". That's all. I didn't sign it.
Ray Peterson: OH! I can't belie - YOU STUPID... GOD!
Art: You gotta goose these people every once in a while. You gotta give them a little shot, give them a little whack, let them know that you're there.
Dr. Werner Klopek: Come now, Mr. Peterson, you were in my basement. Surely, you looked in the furnace.
Ray Peterson: Well I-I-I-I saw your furnace, Doctor. I figured a man's furnace is his business.
Dr. Werner Klopek: You saw one of my skulls, didn't you? Oh yes, I know you did. It belonged to a neighbor of yours. The name was Knapp. We took the house from them. I offered to buy it but you know how old people are, they grow so attached to things.
Ray Peterson: Uh, you know, Dr. Klopek, I think I forgot my wallet...
[Tries to get up but is held down]
Dr. Werner Klopek: I let you keep the femur, but now, now I want my skull. Or perhaps, I might just take yours. Hans!
Ray Peterson: Well I-I-I-I saw your furnace, Doctor. I figured a man's furnace is his business.
Dr. Werner Klopek: You saw one of my skulls, didn't you? Oh yes, I know you did. It belonged to a neighbor of yours. The name was Knapp. We took the house from them. I offered to buy it but you know how old people are, they grow so attached to things.
Ray Peterson: Uh, you know, Dr. Klopek, I think I forgot my wallet...
[Tries to get up but is held down]
Dr. Werner Klopek: I let you keep the femur, but now, now I want my skull. Or perhaps, I might just take yours. Hans!
Ricky: Ya know, did you ever see the movie "The Sentinel," Mr Peterson? It's about the old guy who owns the apartment which is kinda like the, uh, gateway to hell.
Ray Peterson: No, I, I didn't see that.
Ricky: Well, I was doin' some thinkin' and you know, being that their last house burned down and all, it's like maybe, somebody left the gate open.
Ray Peterson: No, I, I didn't see that.
Ricky: Well, I was doin' some thinkin' and you know, being that their last house burned down and all, it's like maybe, somebody left the gate open.
