The Addams Family Quotes
Con artists plan to fleece the eccentric family using an accomplice who claims to be their long lost Uncle Fester.
Girl Scout: Is this made from real lemons?
Wednesday: Yes.
Girl Scout: I only like all-natural foods and beverages, organically grown, with no preservatives. Are you sure they're real lemons?
Pugsley: Yes.
Girl Scout: Well, I'll tell you what. I'll buy a cup if you buy a box of my delicious Girl Scout cookies. Do we have a deal?
Wednesday: Are they made from real Girl Scouts?
Wednesday: Yes.
Girl Scout: I only like all-natural foods and beverages, organically grown, with no preservatives. Are you sure they're real lemons?
Pugsley: Yes.
Girl Scout: Well, I'll tell you what. I'll buy a cup if you buy a box of my delicious Girl Scout cookies. Do we have a deal?
Wednesday: Are they made from real Girl Scouts?
Morticia: Have you spoken to her parents?
Susan Firkins, Wednesday's Teacher: Well, Wednesday brought in this picture: Calpurnia Addams.
Morticia: Wednesday's great-aunt Calpurnia. She was burned as a witch in 1706. They said she danced naked in the town square and enslaved the minister.
Susan Firkins, Wednesday's Teacher: Really?
Morticia: Oh, yes. But don't worry. We've told Wednesday college first.
Susan Firkins, Wednesday's Teacher: Well, Wednesday brought in this picture: Calpurnia Addams.
Morticia: Wednesday's great-aunt Calpurnia. She was burned as a witch in 1706. They said she danced naked in the town square and enslaved the minister.
Susan Firkins, Wednesday's Teacher: Really?
Morticia: Oh, yes. But don't worry. We've told Wednesday college first.
Judge: [at the auction] This magnificent piece is encrusted with rubies and fifteen emerald chips. It was donated by Morticia and Gomez... Addams. Remember, this year, over half our proceeds will benefit the elderly and the mentally disabled.
[Gomez and Morticia look fondly at Grandmama]
Judge: I'll open the bidding at five thousand dollars.
Gomez: Five - , hah! Not good enough. Twenty thousand!
Margaret: [frantic] What are they *doing*?
Judge: I have twenty.
Gomez: Twenty-five!
[to Morticia]
Gomez: Cara mia?
Judge: Twenty-five.
Morticia: Thirty.
[to Gomez]
Morticia: Mon sauvage.
Gomez: [voice cracks] Thirty-five!
[to Morticia]
Gomez: Eres divina.
Morticia: Mm, fifty!
Judge: I have fifty thousand dollars.
Morticia: [to Gomez] Your turn, my ecstasy.
Judge: Fifty thousand going once, fifty thousand going twice. Sold to Morticia Addams for fifty... thousand... dollars.
[looks disgusted as Gomez and Morticia do something obscene]
[Gomez and Morticia look fondly at Grandmama]
Judge: I'll open the bidding at five thousand dollars.
Gomez: Five - , hah! Not good enough. Twenty thousand!
Margaret: [frantic] What are they *doing*?
Judge: I have twenty.
Gomez: Twenty-five!
[to Morticia]
Gomez: Cara mia?
Judge: Twenty-five.
Morticia: Thirty.
[to Gomez]
Morticia: Mon sauvage.
Gomez: [voice cracks] Thirty-five!
[to Morticia]
Gomez: Eres divina.
Morticia: Mm, fifty!
Judge: I have fifty thousand dollars.
Morticia: [to Gomez] Your turn, my ecstasy.
Judge: Fifty thousand going once, fifty thousand going twice. Sold to Morticia Addams for fifty... thousand... dollars.
[looks disgusted as Gomez and Morticia do something obscene]
Gomez: Look at her. I would die for her. I would kill for her. Either way, what bliss.
Gomez: [Morticia wakes up] Unhappy, darling?
Morticia: Oh, yes. Yes completely.
[Gomez sits]
Morticia: Gomez... Sun. Il me perce comme un poignard.
Gomez: Oh, Tish. That's French.
Morticia: Oui.
Gomez: Cara mia.
[kisses Morticia's hand]
Gomez: En garde, Monsieur Soleil!
Morticia: Gomez...
Gomez: Querida?
Morticia: Last night, you were unhinged. You were like some desperate howling demon. You frightened me. Do it again.
Gomez: [Morticia wakes up] Unhappy, darling?
Morticia: Oh, yes. Yes completely.
[Gomez sits]
Morticia: Gomez... Sun. Il me perce comme un poignard.
Gomez: Oh, Tish. That's French.
Morticia: Oui.
Gomez: Cara mia.
[kisses Morticia's hand]
Gomez: En garde, Monsieur Soleil!
Morticia: Gomez...
Gomez: Querida?
Morticia: Last night, you were unhinged. You were like some desperate howling demon. You frightened me. Do it again.
[performing abridged "Hamlet" in school play; sword fighting]
Wednesday: How all occasions do inform against me and spur my dull revenge. O, from this time forth, my thoughts be bloody or nothing worth. If I must strike you dead, I will.
Pugsley: [slashes Wednesday's left wrist; blood sprays out] A hit! A very palpable hit!
[Wednesday cuts of Pugsley's arm, Pugsley slashes her throat; there is lots of blood spraying everywhere, getting the front rows]
Wednesday: O, Proud Death. What feast is toward in thine eternal cell?
[drops both swords and falls to her knees]
Wednesday: Sweet Oblivion, open your arms!
[choking and gasping for breath, collapses, and dies]
Wednesday: [the audience sits aghast in stunned silence, covered with blood while the Addams give a standing ovation]
Gomez: Bravo!
Morticia: Bravo!
Gomez: Bravo! Bravo!
Wednesday: How all occasions do inform against me and spur my dull revenge. O, from this time forth, my thoughts be bloody or nothing worth. If I must strike you dead, I will.
Pugsley: [slashes Wednesday's left wrist; blood sprays out] A hit! A very palpable hit!
[Wednesday cuts of Pugsley's arm, Pugsley slashes her throat; there is lots of blood spraying everywhere, getting the front rows]
Wednesday: O, Proud Death. What feast is toward in thine eternal cell?
[drops both swords and falls to her knees]
Wednesday: Sweet Oblivion, open your arms!
[choking and gasping for breath, collapses, and dies]
Wednesday: [the audience sits aghast in stunned silence, covered with blood while the Addams give a standing ovation]
Gomez: Bravo!
Morticia: Bravo!
Gomez: Bravo! Bravo!
Gomez: [as they search for Wednesday] Fan out. Pugsley, head for the dung heap. Mama and Morticia, the shallow graves. I'll take the abyss. Lurch, check out the bottomless pit. Fester?
Uncle Fester: [from a window] Up here!
Gomez: [shouting up to him] Fester, you take the ravine, and the unmarked, abandoned well!
Uncle Fester: Somebody should stay behind in case she comes back.
Gomez: Good man. Good thinking!
Grandmama: Then who'll take the swamp?
Gomez: [Thing taps Gomez's shoe] That's the spirit, Thing. Lend a hand. Let's go!
Uncle Fester: [from a window] Up here!
Gomez: [shouting up to him] Fester, you take the ravine, and the unmarked, abandoned well!
Uncle Fester: Somebody should stay behind in case she comes back.
Gomez: Good man. Good thinking!
Grandmama: Then who'll take the swamp?
Gomez: [Thing taps Gomez's shoe] That's the spirit, Thing. Lend a hand. Let's go!
[Thing is gesturing wildly]
Gomez: Mor... Morticia... Morticia? Morticia what? Slow down! It's terrible when you stutter!
[Thing gropes around, finds a pen, and starts to write, but it's out of ink. Groping around again, Thing overturns a bowl of cereal, grabs the spoon, and starts tapping in Morse Code]
Gomez: Morticia... in... danger... stop. Send... help... at once... STOP!
[Gomez stands and runs out. Thing collapses]
Gomez: Mor... Morticia... Morticia? Morticia what? Slow down! It's terrible when you stutter!
[Thing gropes around, finds a pen, and starts to write, but it's out of ink. Groping around again, Thing overturns a bowl of cereal, grabs the spoon, and starts tapping in Morse Code]
Gomez: Morticia... in... danger... stop. Send... help... at once... STOP!
[Gomez stands and runs out. Thing collapses]
Dr. Pinderschloss: Keep the book closed, Gordon. Listen to mother!
Uncle Fester: I'll never listen to you, never, ever again!
Dr. Pinderschloss: I had to be strict with you because I cared! Put it down!
Uncle Fester: You never really loved me!
Gomez: Fester, this way!
Dr. Pinderschloss: Stop whining, you little good-for-nothing! Be a man!
Uncle Fester: You were a terrible mother! There! I said it!
[Fester opens the book, and a hurricane is unleashed inside the house, causing Tully and Dr. Pinderschloss to launch out the window]
Uncle Fester: I'll never listen to you, never, ever again!
Dr. Pinderschloss: I had to be strict with you because I cared! Put it down!
Uncle Fester: You never really loved me!
Gomez: Fester, this way!
Dr. Pinderschloss: Stop whining, you little good-for-nothing! Be a man!
Uncle Fester: You were a terrible mother! There! I said it!
[Fester opens the book, and a hurricane is unleashed inside the house, causing Tully and Dr. Pinderschloss to launch out the window]
Gomez: [Playing with the train set, ranting about Fester's finger-trap] How do you take it off? That's absurd! That finger trap was a party favor at his tenth birthday!
Morticia: [In the room below, Morticia is reading a bedtime story to Wednesday and Pugsley. She looks up at the noise] Oh, no.
Pugsley: Father's playing with his trains.
Gomez: He wore that finger-trap for two years! Mother had to teach him to eat with his feet! And the combination! AND the password! And my cigar! And he slept so well!
[Thing bangs his fist as Gomez speeds up the trains]
Pugsley: He's using the diesel!
Wednesday: [Looking horrified, as the train approaches a bridge] The covered bridge!
Morticia: [Horrified, as the train runs through a ravine] Dead Man's Curve!
[Grandmama looks up exasperatedly then continues read Gray's Anatomy. Lurch looks up as he darns his socks. A man on the train looks up as Gomez laughs maniacally]
Wednesday: It's all about Uncle Fester, isn't it?
Morticia: [Looks up as Fester passes through a pipe. Her eyes narrow]
[as the trains approach each other]
Gomez: Spirits above me... Give me a sign! Shall I be joyous? Or shall I be damned?
[Trains collide and explode in front of Gomez's face]
Morticia: [In the room below, Morticia is reading a bedtime story to Wednesday and Pugsley. She looks up at the noise] Oh, no.
Pugsley: Father's playing with his trains.
Gomez: He wore that finger-trap for two years! Mother had to teach him to eat with his feet! And the combination! AND the password! And my cigar! And he slept so well!
[Thing bangs his fist as Gomez speeds up the trains]
Pugsley: He's using the diesel!
Wednesday: [Looking horrified, as the train approaches a bridge] The covered bridge!
Morticia: [Horrified, as the train runs through a ravine] Dead Man's Curve!
[Grandmama looks up exasperatedly then continues read Gray's Anatomy. Lurch looks up as he darns his socks. A man on the train looks up as Gomez laughs maniacally]
Wednesday: It's all about Uncle Fester, isn't it?
Morticia: [Looks up as Fester passes through a pipe. Her eyes narrow]
[as the trains approach each other]
Gomez: Spirits above me... Give me a sign! Shall I be joyous? Or shall I be damned?
[Trains collide and explode in front of Gomez's face]
