Striptease Quotes
A stripper and single mother gets dragged into a dangerous situation after a congressman takes a fancy to her.
[Shad appears besides Erin's car while Darrell is holding her at knifepoint inside it]
Shad: Drop the knife! You got 'til three. One...
Darrell Grant: Suck my dick!
Shad: Whip the little fella out. Two...
Darrell Grant: [brandishes the knife at Shad] This here's a domestic squabble...!
[Shad seizes his knife hand and wrenches his arm over the window jam, snapping the bone. Darrell screams]
Shad: Three.
Darrell Grant: You broke my arm!
Shad: You sure?
Shad: Drop the knife! You got 'til three. One...
Darrell Grant: Suck my dick!
Shad: Whip the little fella out. Two...
Darrell Grant: [brandishes the knife at Shad] This here's a domestic squabble...!
[Shad seizes his knife hand and wrenches his arm over the window jam, snapping the bone. Darrell screams]
Shad: Three.
Darrell Grant: You broke my arm!
Shad: You sure?
Congressman David Dilbeck: [practicing in front of a mirror] Hello, Erin. My name is Congressman Dilbeck. You are... you're a beauty.
[Erin enters the salon behind him; Dilbeck turns and stares]
Erin Grant: Good evening. I'm Erin Grant.
[Dilbeck nods dumbly]
Erin Grant: [little laugh] And you must be...
Congressman David Dilbeck: [stuttering] Con... Comback Dilbeck. Uh, uh, Con-Congressman, uh, Dildo.
[laughs nervously]
Congressman David Dilbeck: I am... Congressman David Dilbeck. And welcome, welcome.
[Erin enters the salon behind him; Dilbeck turns and stares]
Erin Grant: Good evening. I'm Erin Grant.
[Dilbeck nods dumbly]
Erin Grant: [little laugh] And you must be...
Congressman David Dilbeck: [stuttering] Con... Comback Dilbeck. Uh, uh, Con-Congressman, uh, Dildo.
[laughs nervously]
Congressman David Dilbeck: I am... Congressman David Dilbeck. And welcome, welcome.
Erin Grant: [Shad has just put a roach in a container of yogurt] So, this is the new brainstorm, huh?
Shad: Accordin' to the Wall St. Journal we got here the hottest selling yogurt in the country. I bring this in, say my hair fell out from the shock. BOOM! They pay off big time. My lawyer thinks it's a genius idea.
Erin Grant: Your lawyer has an office over a video store.
Shad: Call me a dreamer. I don't wanna be a bouncer forever.
Shad: Accordin' to the Wall St. Journal we got here the hottest selling yogurt in the country. I bring this in, say my hair fell out from the shock. BOOM! They pay off big time. My lawyer thinks it's a genius idea.
Erin Grant: Your lawyer has an office over a video store.
Shad: Call me a dreamer. I don't wanna be a bouncer forever.
[Orly hires Lorelei and her trained python away from the Flesh Farm, only they send the snake's dead body]
Orly: Here, go rustle up a new snake.
Shad: Where, the AM/PM? Who the fuck carries pythons at ten o'clock at night?
Orly: There's an all-night snake farm on Route 27. Ask for Jungle Juan. And get rid of that thing! God, I hate this business! You know why? It's lost its humanity.
Orly: Here, go rustle up a new snake.
Shad: Where, the AM/PM? Who the fuck carries pythons at ten o'clock at night?
Orly: There's an all-night snake farm on Route 27. Ask for Jungle Juan. And get rid of that thing! God, I hate this business! You know why? It's lost its humanity.
Lt. Al Garcia: [in the morgue] Now here comes that brilliant and charming attorney of yours, Mr. Mordecai. Found him 400 yards offshore. Now show him the rest of his kisser.
Medical Examiner: [uncovers Mordecai's face] Crabs find lawyers a particular delicacy, yeah.
Shad: Looks like lasagna. Cover that shit up.
Lt. Al Garcia: You mind telling me why your name was on his calendar for tomorrow?
Shad: I was involved in a litigation with a yogurt company.
Lt. Al Garcia: Just based on my limited experience, this doesn't look like the sort of thing a yogurt company would ordinarily do. You know, I hear this prick represented the same poor kid who got mauled at your club. Now that I find fascinating, Shad!
Shad: He had a picture...
[retching]
Shad: Man, I'm gonna lose it!
[the coroner starts to cover Mordecai's face, Garcia stops him]
Lt. Al Garcia: A picture of what? A certain legislator?
Shad: Yeah... beatin' the kid's ass.
Lt. Al Garcia: And where's the original?
Shad: I got no idea.
[the coroner covers up Mordecai, Garcia hands Shad a box of mints]
Lt. Al Garcia: Here, freshen up. Thanks.
Medical Examiner: Can I interest you in dessert?
Lt. Al Garcia: No, just the check.
[the coroner laughs and wheels Mordecai away]
Medical Examiner: [uncovers Mordecai's face] Crabs find lawyers a particular delicacy, yeah.
Shad: Looks like lasagna. Cover that shit up.
Lt. Al Garcia: You mind telling me why your name was on his calendar for tomorrow?
Shad: I was involved in a litigation with a yogurt company.
Lt. Al Garcia: Just based on my limited experience, this doesn't look like the sort of thing a yogurt company would ordinarily do. You know, I hear this prick represented the same poor kid who got mauled at your club. Now that I find fascinating, Shad!
Shad: He had a picture...
[retching]
Shad: Man, I'm gonna lose it!
[the coroner starts to cover Mordecai's face, Garcia stops him]
Lt. Al Garcia: A picture of what? A certain legislator?
Shad: Yeah... beatin' the kid's ass.
Lt. Al Garcia: And where's the original?
Shad: I got no idea.
[the coroner covers up Mordecai, Garcia hands Shad a box of mints]
Lt. Al Garcia: Here, freshen up. Thanks.
Medical Examiner: Can I interest you in dessert?
Lt. Al Garcia: No, just the check.
[the coroner laughs and wheels Mordecai away]
Lt. Al Garcia: [about Erin] Dilbeck didn't invite her back?
Shad: She said no.
Lt. Al Garcia: Well, that's good. Because I don't think she should go back there, even with you. And what was with her tonight? She seemed edgy.
Shad: She got her moods, man. Could be that time of the month.
Lt. Al Garcia: So now you're the gynecologist-bouncer, bouncer-gynecologist?
Shad: Hey! I just watch out for the girls.
Lt. Al Garcia: Wow... so do I. That makes a grand total of two people in the entire state of Florida. Because the higher-ups in my department, they're not exactly pushing this investigation. Is any of this making sense to you?
Shad: Because of this asshole Congressman.
Lt. Al Garcia: Bingo! We've got two homicides here, and nobody gives a shit except you and me. And I'm worried about that girl. She's all alone out there.
Shad: She said no.
Lt. Al Garcia: Well, that's good. Because I don't think she should go back there, even with you. And what was with her tonight? She seemed edgy.
Shad: She got her moods, man. Could be that time of the month.
Lt. Al Garcia: So now you're the gynecologist-bouncer, bouncer-gynecologist?
Shad: Hey! I just watch out for the girls.
Lt. Al Garcia: Wow... so do I. That makes a grand total of two people in the entire state of Florida. Because the higher-ups in my department, they're not exactly pushing this investigation. Is any of this making sense to you?
Shad: Because of this asshole Congressman.
Lt. Al Garcia: Bingo! We've got two homicides here, and nobody gives a shit except you and me. And I'm worried about that girl. She's all alone out there.
Malcolm Moldowsky: This is a major disaster! Major! Unbelievable! Without doubt, the most ludicrous piece of human behavior...
Congressman David Dilbeck: It's never gonna happen again, Malcolm. I've got it under control. See, I just love naked women. It's a character flaw. And God's testing me now...
Malcolm Moldowsky: Oh, will you shut up, you idiot!
Congressman David Dilbeck: You can't talk to me like that. I'm a United States Congressman!
Malcolm Moldowsky: I can't? When you go psycho in a girlie bar six weeks before the election, what should I call you? Winston Freaking Churchill? It was all I could do to keep Willie Rojo from coming in here and strangling you with his bare, freaking hands!
Congressman David Dilbeck: It's never gonna happen again, Malcolm. I've got it under control. See, I just love naked women. It's a character flaw. And God's testing me now...
Malcolm Moldowsky: Oh, will you shut up, you idiot!
Congressman David Dilbeck: You can't talk to me like that. I'm a United States Congressman!
Malcolm Moldowsky: I can't? When you go psycho in a girlie bar six weeks before the election, what should I call you? Winston Freaking Churchill? It was all I could do to keep Willie Rojo from coming in here and strangling you with his bare, freaking hands!
Congressman David Dilbeck: Everybody has a bad night, especially if they're under the pressure, like we are, under the public eye of...! Who recognized me?
Malcolm Moldowsky: His name is Jerry Killian. And he's waiting outside.
Congressman David Dilbeck: Now?
Malcolm Moldowsky: Now! We gotta move on this thing before we get eaten alive!
Congressman David Dilbeck: Move on what? I mean, if this is a shakedown, just get Willie to pay him like he always does. Why drag me into it...?
Malcolm Moldowsky: Because... it's not about money.
Congressman David Dilbeck: It's not?
Malcolm Moldowsky: No. He wants you to persuade Judge Fingerhut to reverse a child custody case, of some stripper.
Congressman David Dilbeck: Who he's sleeping with? You know, this is disgraceful! This is disgraceful, to have a man, like me, who has to deal with...!
Malcolm Moldowsky: He's not sleeping with her.
Congressman David Dilbeck: [stops, uncomprehending] Well, then why... why does her care?
Malcolm Moldowsky: Because he's nuts! That's why he's dangerous! I mean, if he was sleeping with her, then I could deal with him, man-to-man, but this is... this is fruitcake love here.
Malcolm Moldowsky: His name is Jerry Killian. And he's waiting outside.
Congressman David Dilbeck: Now?
Malcolm Moldowsky: Now! We gotta move on this thing before we get eaten alive!
Congressman David Dilbeck: Move on what? I mean, if this is a shakedown, just get Willie to pay him like he always does. Why drag me into it...?
Malcolm Moldowsky: Because... it's not about money.
Congressman David Dilbeck: It's not?
Malcolm Moldowsky: No. He wants you to persuade Judge Fingerhut to reverse a child custody case, of some stripper.
Congressman David Dilbeck: Who he's sleeping with? You know, this is disgraceful! This is disgraceful, to have a man, like me, who has to deal with...!
Malcolm Moldowsky: He's not sleeping with her.
Congressman David Dilbeck: [stops, uncomprehending] Well, then why... why does her care?
Malcolm Moldowsky: Because he's nuts! That's why he's dangerous! I mean, if he was sleeping with her, then I could deal with him, man-to-man, but this is... this is fruitcake love here.
Erb Crandal: Why are you all shiny?
Congressman David Dilbeck: It's Vaseline.
Erb Crandal: Oh... oh! It's... great, it's Vaseline!
Congressman David Dilbeck: You've never covered yourself with Vaseline?
Erb Crandal: No, no, not unless I have third degree burns, no.
Congressman David Dilbeck: You don't know what you're missing. I've got it all over. It's down in my boots. I can feel it squishing between my toes...
Congressman David Dilbeck: It's Vaseline.
Erb Crandal: Oh... oh! It's... great, it's Vaseline!
Congressman David Dilbeck: You've never covered yourself with Vaseline?
Erb Crandal: No, no, not unless I have third degree burns, no.
Congressman David Dilbeck: You don't know what you're missing. I've got it all over. It's down in my boots. I can feel it squishing between my toes...
Erb Crandal: David...
[sees Dilbeck's attire]
Erb Crandal: Oh, my God! Tell me I'm dreaming. No, no, I cannot believe this! No, no, no, Davey, *no*!
Congressman David Dilbeck: Is this lint fresh?
Erb Crandal: Hot out of the Maytag.
Congressman David Dilbeck: Oh!
[inhales deeply]
Congressman David Dilbeck: You just can't imagine! This is the very essence of that glorious creature!
[sees Dilbeck's attire]
Erb Crandal: Oh, my God! Tell me I'm dreaming. No, no, I cannot believe this! No, no, no, Davey, *no*!
Congressman David Dilbeck: Is this lint fresh?
Erb Crandal: Hot out of the Maytag.
Congressman David Dilbeck: Oh!
[inhales deeply]
Congressman David Dilbeck: You just can't imagine! This is the very essence of that glorious creature!
Darrell Grant: [seizes Erin from behind and holds a knife to her neck] Evenin', everybody!
Erin Grant: Oh, shit!
Darrell Grant: Where's my little'un?
Erin Grant: Where you can't get her.
Darrell Grant: Is that ever the wrong answer. Now you bring her to me right now!
Erin Grant: I am not bringing her to you anywere in this lifetime.
Darrell Grant: Well, then I guess I'll just have to go to that nice old judge and tell him my whore of a wife has abducted...
Erin Grant: Well, guess what, Darell? The judge is dead! So if you want Angela, then you're just going to have to kill me. Go on!
Darrell Grant: Think I'm afraid to? You think I don't have the manliness to take your life?
Erin Grant: Oh no, honey, you know what, I think you are all man. That death row lethal injection thing? Nah, come on, that's not gonna scare you!
Darrell Grant: [hesitates, then] They'd never execute a daddy.
Erin Grant: No?
Erin Grant: Oh, shit!
Darrell Grant: Where's my little'un?
Erin Grant: Where you can't get her.
Darrell Grant: Is that ever the wrong answer. Now you bring her to me right now!
Erin Grant: I am not bringing her to you anywere in this lifetime.
Darrell Grant: Well, then I guess I'll just have to go to that nice old judge and tell him my whore of a wife has abducted...
Erin Grant: Well, guess what, Darell? The judge is dead! So if you want Angela, then you're just going to have to kill me. Go on!
Darrell Grant: Think I'm afraid to? You think I don't have the manliness to take your life?
Erin Grant: Oh no, honey, you know what, I think you are all man. That death row lethal injection thing? Nah, come on, that's not gonna scare you!
Darrell Grant: [hesitates, then] They'd never execute a daddy.
Erin Grant: No?
