Strange Wilderness Quotes
With the ratings dropping for a wilderness-themed TV show, two animal fans go to the Andes in search of Bigfoot.
Ed Lawson: [after showing clip of topless girls dancing around in front of a fake background] Now what the hell is that?
Peter Gaulke: It's the African wilderness. It's, uh, natives doing a war dance.
Ed Lawson: That's not Africa.
Peter Gaulke: Right, well, not totally. See, um, a lot of the women of the bush; they're not really that good looking. So we got these girls instead. They're from Long Beach.
Peter Gaulke: It's the African wilderness. It's, uh, natives doing a war dance.
Ed Lawson: That's not Africa.
Peter Gaulke: Right, well, not totally. See, um, a lot of the women of the bush; they're not really that good looking. So we got these girls instead. They're from Long Beach.
Peter Gaulke: [looking at napkin] This is it? Our entire voice-over for our show on bears is written on a cocktail napkin?
Fred Wolf: Yeah, we wrote it last night when we were at P.J. Mahoney's.
Peter Gaulke: [reading napkin] Bears are large and brown. Alright, come on. Not all bears are large. How about baby bears, huh? Bears derive their name from a football team in Chicago. No. It's the other way around. Jesus Christ Fred, come on. It is estimated that bears kill over two million salmon a year. Attacks by salmon on bears are much more rare. Right, that's got to be true, right? Alright, let's go with that one.
Fred Wolf: Yeah, we wrote it last night when we were at P.J. Mahoney's.
Peter Gaulke: [reading napkin] Bears are large and brown. Alright, come on. Not all bears are large. How about baby bears, huh? Bears derive their name from a football team in Chicago. No. It's the other way around. Jesus Christ Fred, come on. It is estimated that bears kill over two million salmon a year. Attacks by salmon on bears are much more rare. Right, that's got to be true, right? Alright, let's go with that one.
Gus Hayden: They tied me to a post and did to me what they do to all white men.
[takes off pants]
Gus Hayden: They cut my scrotum with a sharp stick and then they ran away. My testicles unraveled out onto the ground. I scooped up my testicles from out of the dirt, rolled them up, shoved them back into my sack, and then sewed it shut myself.
[takes off pants]
Gus Hayden: They cut my scrotum with a sharp stick and then they ran away. My testicles unraveled out onto the ground. I scooped up my testicles from out of the dirt, rolled them up, shoved them back into my sack, and then sewed it shut myself.
Peter Gaulke: Bears are a proud people, although they're not people per-say. They're animals. Bears derive their name from a football team in Chicago. Bears have been known to attack man, although the fact is that fewer people have been killed by bears than in all of World World I and World War II combined. Brown bears bloves fishing. Brown... Brown bears bloves... God, why am I having so much trouble saying brown...
Fred Wolf: Maybe it's the two b's in brown bears. Try something different.
Peter Gaulke: I got it. I'm ready. Okay. Red bears love fish.
Debbie: [walking into room] Pete, you're late for your meeting with Lawson down at KPIP.
Peter Gaulke: Deb, we're in the middle of a recording session. So every fucking thing you say is going down on tape.
Debbie: Oh, right, like you guys ever care about that crap?
Fred Wolf: Maybe it's the two b's in brown bears. Try something different.
Peter Gaulke: I got it. I'm ready. Okay. Red bears love fish.
Debbie: [walking into room] Pete, you're late for your meeting with Lawson down at KPIP.
Peter Gaulke: Deb, we're in the middle of a recording session. So every fucking thing you say is going down on tape.
Debbie: Oh, right, like you guys ever care about that crap?
[first lines]
Peter Gaulke: [talking on phone] Look at my dad. He was the king. I mean, no matter what happened, I mean he was as cool as a cucumber. He never forgot a line, and he never let anything ruffle him. My dad was the king. No doubt. And his TV show ruled the ratings.
[lights up weed]
Peter Gaulke: What was that?
[coughs while getting high]
Peter Gaulke: Excuse me. It was a wildlife show called Strange Wilderness. Oh, you remember that? Do you remember my dad? Oh cool. Yeah, then he died and then I took over the show, then it went all to hell. I mean, I'm nothing like my dad. Nothing at all. I don't know. I don't know if it was like I wasn't bright enough, or I didn't work hard enough, or I used to smoke a lot of dope. So... um... no I quit. Yeah, totally. What happened to the show? At first, it was great. I had a really great crew, we were doing what we loved, but then... I don't know. Things got a little strange.
Peter Gaulke: [talking on phone] Look at my dad. He was the king. I mean, no matter what happened, I mean he was as cool as a cucumber. He never forgot a line, and he never let anything ruffle him. My dad was the king. No doubt. And his TV show ruled the ratings.
[lights up weed]
Peter Gaulke: What was that?
[coughs while getting high]
Peter Gaulke: Excuse me. It was a wildlife show called Strange Wilderness. Oh, you remember that? Do you remember my dad? Oh cool. Yeah, then he died and then I took over the show, then it went all to hell. I mean, I'm nothing like my dad. Nothing at all. I don't know. I don't know if it was like I wasn't bright enough, or I didn't work hard enough, or I used to smoke a lot of dope. So... um... no I quit. Yeah, totally. What happened to the show? At first, it was great. I had a really great crew, we were doing what we loved, but then... I don't know. Things got a little strange.
Whitaker: [having an epiphany] Uh, guys, I don't wanna die. For the first time in 11 years I'm seeing the world through sober eyes. It's exhilerating. See, I have so much to live for right now. I want to find a nice girl and settle down, have kids, dance with them in the moonlight and everything. I want to do it all, you know?
Cooker: That was fucking beautiful. Take a bow.
[slams hand buzzer into Whitaker's crotch]
Cooker: That was fucking beautiful. Take a bow.
[slams hand buzzer into Whitaker's crotch]
Bill Calhoun: Pierson may have the map and a three days head start, but that won't be enough.
[hands over a copy of the map]
Peter Gaulke: Thanks.
Bill Calhoun: Cause now you have the map and I'm gonna give you a little something extra. His name is Gus Hayden.
Peter Gaulke: You are shitting me! You know Bigfoot's name?
[hands over a copy of the map]
Peter Gaulke: Thanks.
Bill Calhoun: Cause now you have the map and I'm gonna give you a little something extra. His name is Gus Hayden.
Peter Gaulke: You are shitting me! You know Bigfoot's name?
Whitaker: Hey, wait a minute. These are the fish that ate Dick, right?
Peter Gaulke, Cooker: Yeah!
Whitaker: Alright, so go with me here. If Dick is in the fishes, and we're eating the fishes, doesn't that mean we're eating Dick?
Cooker: [after a long pause] What the fuck!
[everyone spits out the fish in disgust]
Peter Gaulke, Cooker: Yeah!
Whitaker: Alright, so go with me here. If Dick is in the fishes, and we're eating the fishes, doesn't that mean we're eating Dick?
Cooker: [after a long pause] What the fuck!
[everyone spits out the fish in disgust]
