Short Circuit Quotes
Number 5 of a group of experimental robots in a lab is electrocuted, suddenly becomes intelligent, and escapes.
Newton Crosby: OK. Listen closely. There's a priest, a minister, and a rabbi. They're out playing golf. They're deciding how much to give to charity. The priest says "We'll draw a circle on the ground, throw the money in the air, and whatever lands inside the circle, we'll give to charity." The minister says "No, we'll draw a circle on the ground, throw the money in the air, and whatever lands outside of the circle, that's what we'll give to charity." The rabbi says "No no no. We'll throw the money way up in the air, and whatever God wants, he keeps!"
Number 5: Hmmmm. Oh, I get it! Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho! Hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee! Nyuk, nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk!
Stephanie Speck: What's going on? Is he laughing?
Newton Crosby: Yeah! Yeah! And the joke wasn't even that funny, and I think I screwed up the punchline. Ha ha ha ha!
Number 5: "Whatever God wants, he keeps!"
Number 5: Hmmmm. Oh, I get it! Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho! Hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee! Nyuk, nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk!
Stephanie Speck: What's going on? Is he laughing?
Newton Crosby: Yeah! Yeah! And the joke wasn't even that funny, and I think I screwed up the punchline. Ha ha ha ha!
Number 5: "Whatever God wants, he keeps!"
Howard Marner: Hey! Who told you you could take Number One?
Newton Crosby: Howard, logically, if we need protection from Number Five - this is the best weapon we could have.
Howard Marner: Great. Great. So, instead of 11 million dollars on the loose - we're gonna have twenty-two.
Ben Jabituya: And plus, we are needing gas money.
Newton Crosby: Howard, logically, if we need protection from Number Five - this is the best weapon we could have.
Howard Marner: Great. Great. So, instead of 11 million dollars on the loose - we're gonna have twenty-two.
Ben Jabituya: And plus, we are needing gas money.
Newton Crosby: Number 5, What do you make of this?
[hands Number 5 a Rorschach blot he just made using tomato soup]
Number 5: Hmmm... Wood pulp, plant - vegetable - tomato, water, salt, monosodium glutamate...
Newton Crosby: Okay, thank you. Now you're talking like a robot.
Number 5: ...and resemble - look like - butterfly, bird, maple leaf!
[hands Number 5 a Rorschach blot he just made using tomato soup]
Number 5: Hmmm... Wood pulp, plant - vegetable - tomato, water, salt, monosodium glutamate...
Newton Crosby: Okay, thank you. Now you're talking like a robot.
Number 5: ...and resemble - look like - butterfly, bird, maple leaf!
Newton Crosby: Why did you disobey your program?
Number 5: Program say to kill, to disassemble, to make dead. Number 5 cannot.
Newton Crosby: Why "cannot"?
Number 5: Is *wrong*! Newton Crosby, Ph.D not know this?
Newton Crosby: Of course I know it's wrong to kill, but who told you?
Number 5: *I* told me.
Number 5: Program say to kill, to disassemble, to make dead. Number 5 cannot.
Newton Crosby: Why "cannot"?
Number 5: Is *wrong*! Newton Crosby, Ph.D not know this?
Newton Crosby: Of course I know it's wrong to kill, but who told you?
Number 5: *I* told me.
[after Number 5 is seemingly destroyed]
Skroeder: [cheerfully] Now that, my friend, is how you kick ass!
Howard Marner: Years of research are down the tubes, and you're happy as a pig in slops.
Skroeder: [proudly] Just doing my job, sir.
Howard Marner: Maybe from now on you can do it somewhere else.
Skroeder: [cheerfully] Now that, my friend, is how you kick ass!
Howard Marner: Years of research are down the tubes, and you're happy as a pig in slops.
Skroeder: [proudly] Just doing my job, sir.
Howard Marner: Maybe from now on you can do it somewhere else.
Newton Crosby: Let me tell you something. I don't like those NOVA guys any more than you do. In fact, I don't care if they ever get Number 5 back. But I wanna see it.
Stephanie Speck: If I show you where he is, do I have your word: You will not experiment on him, you will not flip the switches, and you will not take him apart?
Newton Crosby: Absolutely. You have my word.
Stephanie Speck: Okay. He's out back. I'll take you to him.
Skroeder: [walks up to them] Well, while you're at it, young lady, you can take me, too.
Newton Crosby: [surprised] Skroeder!
Skroeder: Terrific job, Crosby. Thanks for the help.
Newton Crosby: No. I had nothing to do with this!
Stephanie Speck: You bastard! You're a liar!
Stephanie Speck: If I show you where he is, do I have your word: You will not experiment on him, you will not flip the switches, and you will not take him apart?
Newton Crosby: Absolutely. You have my word.
Stephanie Speck: Okay. He's out back. I'll take you to him.
Skroeder: [walks up to them] Well, while you're at it, young lady, you can take me, too.
Newton Crosby: [surprised] Skroeder!
Skroeder: Terrific job, Crosby. Thanks for the help.
Newton Crosby: No. I had nothing to do with this!
Stephanie Speck: You bastard! You're a liar!
Ben Jabituya: [noticing that Newton is having a hard time driving through the semi-dark streets of town] Do you know what most people are liking at night?
Newton Crosby: No, what?
Ben Jabituya: Headlights.
[reaches across the dashboard and switches the lights on]
Newton Crosby: Oh, yeah... that's a lot better! Thanks!
Newton Crosby: No, what?
Ben Jabituya: Headlights.
[reaches across the dashboard and switches the lights on]
Newton Crosby: Oh, yeah... that's a lot better! Thanks!
Howard Marner: Where is he? I need him! Stat!
Ben Jabituya: Excuse me, sir? Crosby? He is hiding in the toilet, sir.
Howard Marner: Public relations is everybody's job.
Ben Jabituya: He's saying that the crowds, they are making him dog sick, sir...
Howard Marner: Look, he's supposed to be here, I want him here, I *pay* him to be here.
Ben Jabituya: Well, the last time I'm seeing him, he is busy womiting, sir.
Howard Marner: Well, clean him up and send him out, to hobnob. Stat!
Ben Jabituya: Excuse me, sir? Crosby? He is hiding in the toilet, sir.
Howard Marner: Public relations is everybody's job.
Ben Jabituya: He's saying that the crowds, they are making him dog sick, sir...
Howard Marner: Look, he's supposed to be here, I want him here, I *pay* him to be here.
Ben Jabituya: Well, the last time I'm seeing him, he is busy womiting, sir.
Howard Marner: Well, clean him up and send him out, to hobnob. Stat!
General Washburne: The only way to secure the peace, Senator, as I'm sure you know, is to be prepared. See, we can parachute these robot guys behind enemy lines. They hide out till the first strike blows over. Then each one is able to just carry a 25-megaton bomb right up the middle of Main Street Moscow - like the mailman bringing bad news. We call it Operation 'Gotcha LAST!'
Senator Mills: That's what you call 'ENSURING PEACE'?
General Washburne: Oh, yeah. Just as you say: 'Ensuring peace'.
Senator Mills: That's what you call 'ENSURING PEACE'?
General Washburne: Oh, yeah. Just as you say: 'Ensuring peace'.
Ben Jabituya: "Unable. Malfunction."
Howard Marner: How can it refuse to turn itself off?
Skroeder: Maybe it's pissed off.
Newton Crosby: It's a machine, Schroeder. It doesn't get pissed off. It doesn't get happy, it doesn't get sad, it doesn't laugh at your jokes.
Newton Crosby, Ben Jabituya: [in unison] It just runs programs.
Howard Marner: It usually runs programs.
Howard Marner: How can it refuse to turn itself off?
Skroeder: Maybe it's pissed off.
Newton Crosby: It's a machine, Schroeder. It doesn't get pissed off. It doesn't get happy, it doesn't get sad, it doesn't laugh at your jokes.
Newton Crosby, Ben Jabituya: [in unison] It just runs programs.
Howard Marner: It usually runs programs.
