Safety Not Guaranteed Quotes
Three magazine employees head out on an assignment to interview a guy who placed a classified ad seeking a companion for time travel.
[last lines]
Kenneth: To go it alone, or to go with a partner. When you choose a partner, you have to have compromises and sacrifices, but it's the price you pay. Do I want to follow my every whim and desire as I make my way through time and space? Absolutely. But at the end of the day, do I need someone when I'm doubting myself and I'm insecure, and *my* heart's failing me? Do I need someone who, when the heat gets hot, has my back?
Darius: So, do you?
Kenneth: I do.
Kenneth: To go it alone, or to go with a partner. When you choose a partner, you have to have compromises and sacrifices, but it's the price you pay. Do I want to follow my every whim and desire as I make my way through time and space? Absolutely. But at the end of the day, do I need someone when I'm doubting myself and I'm insecure, and *my* heart's failing me? Do I need someone who, when the heat gets hot, has my back?
Darius: So, do you?
Kenneth: I do.
[Darius approaches Kenneth, where he is stocking soup cans in the Grocery Outlet Bargain Market. She acts cool and nonchalant]
Darius: Do you sell guns here?
Kenneth: [surprised] What kind of guns?
Darius: I don't know. Something sexy and affordable, with killing power?
Kenneth: You should try C and R Guns in Wilkins. The state of Washington does not allow the sale of firearms in the business premises of a grocer.
Darius: Hm. What about those... thingies? With the spiky ball on the end of a chain things, you know, and the...
[She pantomimes whirling a flail around above her head]
Darius: You have those?
Kenneth: What exactly is the intended use? Is there a pest problem, or hunting?
Darius: [sternly] Well, if your ad had been written properly, I may have a better idea of what I need.
Kenneth: My ad?
Darius: Yeah. It's pretty sloppy.
Kenneth: Excuse me?
Darius: You heard me. I hope you worked harder on your calibrations.
Kenneth: [looking around cautiously, but sounding stung] My calibrations are flippin' pinpoint, okay?
Darius: Hm.
Kenneth: [still looking around and behind him] There are people after me. How do I know you don't work for them?
Darius: Because I've never worked for anybody in my life.
Kenneth: You ever face certain death?
Darius: If it was so certain, I wouldn't be here, would I?
[She takes a soup can from his hand and places it, without looking, unerringly in its spot on the shelf]
Darius: Do you sell guns here?
Kenneth: [surprised] What kind of guns?
Darius: I don't know. Something sexy and affordable, with killing power?
Kenneth: You should try C and R Guns in Wilkins. The state of Washington does not allow the sale of firearms in the business premises of a grocer.
Darius: Hm. What about those... thingies? With the spiky ball on the end of a chain things, you know, and the...
[She pantomimes whirling a flail around above her head]
Darius: You have those?
Kenneth: What exactly is the intended use? Is there a pest problem, or hunting?
Darius: [sternly] Well, if your ad had been written properly, I may have a better idea of what I need.
Kenneth: My ad?
Darius: Yeah. It's pretty sloppy.
Kenneth: Excuse me?
Darius: You heard me. I hope you worked harder on your calibrations.
Kenneth: [looking around cautiously, but sounding stung] My calibrations are flippin' pinpoint, okay?
Darius: Hm.
Kenneth: [still looking around and behind him] There are people after me. How do I know you don't work for them?
Darius: Because I've never worked for anybody in my life.
Kenneth: You ever face certain death?
Darius: If it was so certain, I wouldn't be here, would I?
[She takes a soup can from his hand and places it, without looking, unerringly in its spot on the shelf]
Darius: What makes you think he won't slam the door in my face, too?
Jeff: Because you gotta be sincere and charming. Okay? He's used to assholes like me coming and making fun.
Arnau: Uh, also, probably none of the other people were beautiful girls.
Jeff: [with a sideways look] Easy, Arnau.
Arnau: What?
Jeff: He's right. Use that too. There's something off about this guy, okay? So you gotta go slow, like you're trapping a skittish animal. Now, lure him. Play coy. Girls know how to do that shit.
Darius: You're dangling my vagina out there like bait. What if this guy's a murderer? What if he cuts me up into little pieces and eats me?
Jeff: Then the story's even better.
Jeff: Because you gotta be sincere and charming. Okay? He's used to assholes like me coming and making fun.
Arnau: Uh, also, probably none of the other people were beautiful girls.
Jeff: [with a sideways look] Easy, Arnau.
Arnau: What?
Jeff: He's right. Use that too. There's something off about this guy, okay? So you gotta go slow, like you're trapping a skittish animal. Now, lure him. Play coy. Girls know how to do that shit.
Darius: You're dangling my vagina out there like bait. What if this guy's a murderer? What if he cuts me up into little pieces and eats me?
Jeff: Then the story's even better.
Jeff: You never done coke or anything, when you're studying for an exam?
Arnau: Cocaine? Are you crazy?
Jeff: What is it you study?
Arnau: Biological and life sciences.
Jeff: Makes sense. So what are you doing, interning at a magazine?
Arnau: Diversity looks good on an application for grad school.
Jeff: You know what, we gotta get you laid on this vacation. That's what's gotta happen.
Darius: Vacation?
Jeff: I mean, work trip. Whatever.
Arnau: Cocaine? Are you crazy?
Jeff: What is it you study?
Arnau: Biological and life sciences.
Jeff: Makes sense. So what are you doing, interning at a magazine?
Arnau: Diversity looks good on an application for grad school.
Jeff: You know what, we gotta get you laid on this vacation. That's what's gotta happen.
Darius: Vacation?
Jeff: I mean, work trip. Whatever.
Mr. Britt: You're sad. I don't know how to describe it. It's like there's a cloud following you. You're antisocial, and you're a virgin.
Darius: What?
Mr. Britt: I don't ever see you with any guys. I don't remember the last time you brought a guy home.
Darius: Yeah, well, how do you know I'm not on Craigslist, having casual encounters? Or when I was away at the dorms? You weren't there.
Mr. Britt: I've talked to Amy.
Darius: Why are you talking to my college roommate?
Mr. Britt: We're Facebook friends.
Darius: Oh, my God. How do I eject?
Darius: What?
Mr. Britt: I don't ever see you with any guys. I don't remember the last time you brought a guy home.
Darius: Yeah, well, how do you know I'm not on Craigslist, having casual encounters? Or when I was away at the dorms? You weren't there.
Mr. Britt: I've talked to Amy.
Darius: Why are you talking to my college roommate?
Mr. Britt: We're Facebook friends.
Darius: Oh, my God. How do I eject?
Darius: [over-answering a job interview question] In high school I felt like that mouse that gets dropped in the snake cage and just sits there, frozen, trying to blend in. I guess I remember being happy when I was a kid. Back when you just naturally expect good things to happen. Before my mom died.
[Jeff approaches Kenneth's house. He clearly has not done enough research, and acts like a smiling, bobbing idiot]
Jeff: Kenneth Calloway, right? Is that right? My name is Jeff.
[He extends a hand to shake, which Kenneth ignores. Jeff is grinning too much]
Jeff: Look, I saw your ad in the, uh, Classifieds. I want to know if you need a partner.
Kenneth: What's your mission?
Jeff: What do you mean, what's my mission?
Kenneth: What's your reason for going back?
[Jeff has changed from smiling maniacally to frowning]
Jeff: Oh, well, who wouldn't want to go back? It's an amazing opportunity. To go back in time, you know? See gladiators, and watch dinosaurs with my own eyes. Have sex with a pilgrim? That's all I wanted. I want to go back. It's neat. Who wouldn't want to go back, Kenneth? YOU want to go back. Why do YOU want to go back? Well, do you need a partner?
Kenneth: Can you look fear and danger in the eye?
Jeff: That's an odd question.
Kenneth: Have you ever stared fear and danger in the eye and said YES.
Jeff: Sure.
Kenneth: Get off my porch.
Jeff: Let's start over. Come on, we can be pals. Let's go back in time.
Kenneth: Man, that smile. What is that smile? You don't know pain, you don't know regret, you don't know...
Jeff: [agreeing with everything and leaving with his arms raised] Okay. Well, look, it was really nice to meet you.
Kenneth: [grimly] That's what I thought.
Jeff: Kenneth Calloway, right? Is that right? My name is Jeff.
[He extends a hand to shake, which Kenneth ignores. Jeff is grinning too much]
Jeff: Look, I saw your ad in the, uh, Classifieds. I want to know if you need a partner.
Kenneth: What's your mission?
Jeff: What do you mean, what's my mission?
Kenneth: What's your reason for going back?
[Jeff has changed from smiling maniacally to frowning]
Jeff: Oh, well, who wouldn't want to go back? It's an amazing opportunity. To go back in time, you know? See gladiators, and watch dinosaurs with my own eyes. Have sex with a pilgrim? That's all I wanted. I want to go back. It's neat. Who wouldn't want to go back, Kenneth? YOU want to go back. Why do YOU want to go back? Well, do you need a partner?
Kenneth: Can you look fear and danger in the eye?
Jeff: That's an odd question.
Kenneth: Have you ever stared fear and danger in the eye and said YES.
Jeff: Sure.
Kenneth: Get off my porch.
Jeff: Let's start over. Come on, we can be pals. Let's go back in time.
Kenneth: Man, that smile. What is that smile? You don't know pain, you don't know regret, you don't know...
Jeff: [agreeing with everything and leaving with his arms raised] Okay. Well, look, it was really nice to meet you.
Kenneth: [grimly] That's what I thought.
[Darius joins Jeff and Arnau in the motel lounge bar, where Jeff has shown Arnau how to Facebook friend an old girlfriend of Jeff's]
Jeff: Here she is. Look at you, you went all rogue. What did you get?
Darius: Got his name, where he works.
Jeff: Great.
Darius: What did you guys get?
[Jeff points to the Facebook page]
Jeff: She accepted, but, uh, no photos, so I'm not really sure.
Darius: What?
Arnau: He came here to hook up with an old high school girlfriend.
Darius: [scornful] Seriously? That's what you've been doing?
Jeff: Well, I've been doing other stuff, too, but.
[Jeff takes a sheet of photos out of his pocket, with bravado]
Jeff: Maybe this will change your attitude a little bit. That's her. When she was 18, and I used to see her naked.
Darius: So?
Jeff: So I'm coming back to try to see her naked again.
Darius: I'd be weirded out if some guy tried to track me down after 20 years.
Jeff: I'd be weirded out, too, if some guy tried to track you down.
Darius: Why?
Jeff: Who would do that?
Jeff: Here she is. Look at you, you went all rogue. What did you get?
Darius: Got his name, where he works.
Jeff: Great.
Darius: What did you guys get?
[Jeff points to the Facebook page]
Jeff: She accepted, but, uh, no photos, so I'm not really sure.
Darius: What?
Arnau: He came here to hook up with an old high school girlfriend.
Darius: [scornful] Seriously? That's what you've been doing?
Jeff: Well, I've been doing other stuff, too, but.
[Jeff takes a sheet of photos out of his pocket, with bravado]
Jeff: Maybe this will change your attitude a little bit. That's her. When she was 18, and I used to see her naked.
Darius: So?
Jeff: So I'm coming back to try to see her naked again.
Darius: I'd be weirded out if some guy tried to track me down after 20 years.
Jeff: I'd be weirded out, too, if some guy tried to track you down.
Darius: Why?
Jeff: Who would do that?
[Still at the grocery store: ]
Kenneth: This is a bad place to talk. I get off in, like, fifteen. Rendezvous?
Darius: [confident but still cool] See you in eight.
[She turns to walk away, but whirls suddenly to toss him a soup can he had not realized she had taken. Kenneth looks at it; she has written her phone number in strong black ink across a white space on the label. Kenneth's face is hard, but he is clearly impressed; he thinks he has found his partner]
Kenneth: This is a bad place to talk. I get off in, like, fifteen. Rendezvous?
Darius: [confident but still cool] See you in eight.
[She turns to walk away, but whirls suddenly to toss him a soup can he had not realized she had taken. Kenneth looks at it; she has written her phone number in strong black ink across a white space on the label. Kenneth's face is hard, but he is clearly impressed; he thinks he has found his partner]
Darius: What time would you go back to? If you could.
Arnau: I don't know. I'm fine here.
Darius: I would definitely go back. Everything cool is gone. The Aztecs. People killing themselves for each other. You wouldn't want to see the dragons and the elves, fighting each other in the magical forests? Come on!
Arnau: No.
[He puts his hand on her shoulder kindly]
Arnau: That wasn't a time.
Darius: [Rolls her eyes] Yeah. Right.
Arnau: I don't know. I'm fine here.
Darius: I would definitely go back. Everything cool is gone. The Aztecs. People killing themselves for each other. You wouldn't want to see the dragons and the elves, fighting each other in the magical forests? Come on!
Arnau: No.
[He puts his hand on her shoulder kindly]
Arnau: That wasn't a time.
Darius: [Rolls her eyes] Yeah. Right.
[Jeff joins Darius and Arnau in the car after a badly-managed interview with Kenneth]
Jeff: Huhh!
Darius: So what'd he say?
Jeff: Well, he's the real deal. That ad is no prank. He's not, like, retarded, but there's something wrong with this guy. Definitely didn't like my ass, I'll tell you that.
Arnau: So, so what; that's it?
Jeff: Oh, no. This just got good.
Jeff: Huhh!
Darius: So what'd he say?
Jeff: Well, he's the real deal. That ad is no prank. He's not, like, retarded, but there's something wrong with this guy. Definitely didn't like my ass, I'll tell you that.
Arnau: So, so what; that's it?
Jeff: Oh, no. This just got good.
