Dennis: You know, I mean, I didn't do you any favours on that day, ok? I did a stupid, stupid thing. But it was only because I thought spoiling your day was better than ruining your life. Does that make any sense?
Dennis: As you get older, you're gonna realize there are a lot of things that you don't like. Things much worse than this. And when those things happen, you can't just run away. Jake: why not? Dennis: Because it doesn't solve the problem. The problem's still there. You've got to stick at it, and then figure out a way to solve the problem, even if it's really really hard. Jake: Is that what you do, Dad? Dennis: [just looking helpless and speechless... ] Jake: Dad?
Gordon: Hey I've got you those tickets you wanted... Dennis: They were for yesterday! Gordon: Oh so NOW you don't want them? Dennis: Why would I want them? Gordon: You could... sell them on e-bay. Dennis: Who would buy tickets for an event which happened yesterday? Gordon: ...Time Travellers.
Dennis: We should set the alarm for about 7 o'clock. Gordon: I don't have an alarm clock. Dennis: Why not? Gordon: I never need to be anywhere.
Gordon: I got you a present Libby: Aww thanks Gordon: It's a CD, I hope you haven't got it. Because I don't have a receipt and I didn't exactly buy it.
Dennis: Excuse me, can I just stop you there. Whit: Yes...? Dennis: Oh, I don't have anything to say... I just wanted to stop you there.
Gordon: The only serious relationship I've been in ended in a broken collarbone and a dead meerkat.
Dennis: I thought it would be a good chance for me to get to know Whit a little better, so... Libby: Well, maybe we should all go out to dinner then? Dennis: Really? Libby: Yeah, and then we could go dancing... Dennis: You're joking...? Libby: No, not at all. And afterwards we could come back here and have a threesome. Dennis: [thinks it over] You *are* joking. Libby: Of course, I am!
Gordon: Go on then, run! Dennis: Isn't there some kind of like... special technique? Gordon: Well... yeah... you put one leg in front of the other over and over again really really fast.
Maya: I saw your friend Gordon this morning Dennis: I'll replace anything he stole.
Gordon: That was the second most disgusting fluid I've ever had in my eye.
[Mr. Ghoshtashtidar has just stopped Vincent from smashing Gordon's fingers in a piano] Gordon: Thanks for that, Mr. G! Mr. Ghoshdashtidar: Your friend is a man of honor. Gordon: What, Vincent? Mr. Ghoshdashtidar: Yes! He said he's going to kick shit out of you later instead!
Dennis: I know doing this thing isn't going to change anything or make anything better but um. I would just settle for your respect. I'd settle for you smiling about the time we had together and not think it was a waste of time.
Dennis: Peter Perfect's perfect palace. Gordon: Try saying that when you're smashed. Dennis: I will.
Mr. Ghoshdashtidar: I've got a surprise for you! Dennis: Oh!... it's not a spatula is it?
Gordon: Hey do you think it would be weird if I took a bath? [pause] Gordon: Yeah... that would be weird.
Gordon: Women remember that stuff.
Gordon: Dennis, you're my best friend, I'm not going to bet against you. Not with these odds.
Dennis: [surprised] What are you doing here? Mr. Ghoshdashtidar: I'm the assistant coach. Dennis: How'd you get to be assistant coach? Mr. Ghoshdashtidar: Because I have the spatula! [whacks Dennis with it]
TV Commentator: [It's just been revealed that Whit tripped Dennis during a TV replay of the marathon] Yes! He deliberately trips him! Bastard!
Whit: [At the hospital, after Jake plays with the hospital bed causing it to fall backwards] God dam it WILL YOU STOP MESSING AROUND WITH THE BED YA LITTLE SHIT?
Man in Bakery: I would settle for something shaped like a fish. Dennis: Go to a fishmonger! Man in Bakery: I'm a vegetarian.
TV Commentator: [Dennis just finished the marathon] He's done it! He's actually done it! This morning, Dennis Doyle was a humble shop worker from north London, tonight, he goes home a hero!
Gordon: Well come on up!
Whit: I mean, you can see my point can't you? Dennis: Yes, yes I can.
Reporter: Mr Doyle, how do you feel? Dennis: [exasperated] How the fuck do you think I feel?
[during the race] Dennis: Isn't it enough? Whit: What? Dennis: You got the girl, all right? Isn't it enough? Whit: I just think it's high time you realized that it's over, sir! Otherwise, it's gonna be very tough for you when we move to Chicago! Dennis: What? Whit: [off their pace, trying to discourage Dennis] You'd better slow down there, chief! You've got a long way to go! Dennis: Yeah, well - so have you! [Dennis accelerates past Whit] Whit: Oh, yeah! Yes, I like it! Run, fatboy, run! [Whit takes his lead back, but as Dennis passes him one more time... ] Dennis: I can lose weight... but you'll always be an arsehole!
Whit: Where you goin, where you going? You gotta be kiddin me, Dennis? You can't be serious! The guy left you at the alter, pregnant! Libby: [Puts Whit's wedding ring on the table] Nobody's perfect. Whit: Libby, Libby... Jake: What a shithead.
Gordon: Hey, maybe there's a little man in there who looks just like you but he's really good at running. Dennis: What are you talking about? Gordon: Just a thought.
Mr. Ghoshdashtidar: [repeated line to Dennis] Who the hell are you?
Whit: I actually ran the London Marathon Dennis: Oh that's a coincidence. Whit: Why's that? Dennis: Oh, I watched it on the tele... well... the last hour... I sleep in on Sundays.
Undercover Officer: You want your son to love you? Don't break the law! Dennis: Hey! That's entrapment! [gets pushed to the ground] Dennis: And that's brutality!
Libby: You can't even finish your sentence! Dennis: Oh... don't... don't... don't be... what's the word? Old Lady: Prick. [in the English version: "Cock."]
Dennis: I went for a bit of a run this morning and I think I've got a bit of a... rash... [indicates downwards] Claire: Yes... Dennis: Y'know... Down in the... Claire: [agitated] Yes, yes, I understand. Dennis: Scrotal Zone.
TV Commentator: [Dennis is continuing the marathon into the night on a sprained ankle and torn leg] Just now joining us is Dennis Doyle, a clothing store security guard, running for the last ten and three quarter hours on basically one leg, He's refusing to rest until this race is run, unbelievable!
Whit: Jake, buddy, can I control the bed please? Jake: No, but you can watch me control it.