Punch-Drunk Love Quotes
A psychologically troubled novelty supplier is nudged towards a romance with an English woman, all the while being extorted by a phone-sex line run by a crooked mattress salesman, and purchasing stunning amounts of pudding.
Dean Trumbell: SHUT UP! SHUT THE FUCK UP! Shut up; will you SHUTUP SHUTUP! SHUT SHUT SHUT SHUT SHUTUP... SHUTUP! NOW
[beat]
Dean Trumbell: Are you threatening me, dick?
Barry: Why don-...
[double beat]
Barry: Y' GO FUCK YOURSELF!
Dean Trumbell: oh y-...
[clears throat angrily]
Dean Trumbell: yo-... FUCK
[lowers tone]
Dean Trumbell: did you just saaay go fuck myself?
Barry: [nervously] ... yes, i did
Dean Trumbell: That wasn't good, you're DEAD!
[beat]
Dean Trumbell: Are you threatening me, dick?
Barry: Why don-...
[double beat]
Barry: Y' GO FUCK YOURSELF!
Dean Trumbell: oh y-...
[clears throat angrily]
Dean Trumbell: yo-... FUCK
[lowers tone]
Dean Trumbell: did you just saaay go fuck myself?
Barry: [nervously] ... yes, i did
Dean Trumbell: That wasn't good, you're DEAD!
Barry: I'm lookin' at your face and I just wanna smash it. I just wanna fuckin' smash it with a sledgehammer and squeeze it. You're so pretty.
Lena: I want to chew your face, and I want to scoop out your eyes and I want to eat them and chew them and suck on them.
[pause]
Barry: OK. This is funny. This is nice.
Lena: I want to chew your face, and I want to scoop out your eyes and I want to eat them and chew them and suck on them.
[pause]
Barry: OK. This is funny. This is nice.
[Barry looks around... ]
Barry: Healthy Choice and American Airlines got together and put this promotion: If you buy any 10 Healthy Choice products, they will reward you with 500 frequent flier miles; with this special coupon, they'll up it to 1,000 miles. So, I think they are trying to push their teriyaki chicken which is $1.79, but I went to the supermarket and I looked around and I saw that they had pudding... for 25¢ a cup... comes in packages of four. But insanely... the barcodes... are on the individual cups! So, quarter a cup, say you bought $2.50 worth. That's worth 500... with the coupon it's 1,000 miles. It's a marketing mistake but I'm taking advantage of it. If you were to spend $3,000, that would get you a million frequent flier miles. You would never have to pay for a ticket the rest of your life.
Lena: You... you bought all that pudding so that you could get frequent flier miles?
Barry: Healthy Choice and American Airlines got together and put this promotion: If you buy any 10 Healthy Choice products, they will reward you with 500 frequent flier miles; with this special coupon, they'll up it to 1,000 miles. So, I think they are trying to push their teriyaki chicken which is $1.79, but I went to the supermarket and I looked around and I saw that they had pudding... for 25¢ a cup... comes in packages of four. But insanely... the barcodes... are on the individual cups! So, quarter a cup, say you bought $2.50 worth. That's worth 500... with the coupon it's 1,000 miles. It's a marketing mistake but I'm taking advantage of it. If you were to spend $3,000, that would get you a million frequent flier miles. You would never have to pay for a ticket the rest of your life.
Lena: You... you bought all that pudding so that you could get frequent flier miles?
Restaurant Manager: Sir, the bathroom was just torn apart.
Barry: [nervously] Yeah.
Restaurant Manager: Did you do it?
Barry: No.
Restaurant Manager: You didn't just smash up the bathroom?
Barry: No.
Restaurant Manager: Well, who did?
Barry: [pretends to think] I don't know.
Restaurant Manager: Sir, your hand is bleeding.
Barry: I cut myself.
Restaurant Manager: How?
Barry: On my knife.
[beat]
Barry: What? What?
Restaurant Manager: Sir, your hand is bleeding.
Barry: I know.
Restaurant Manager: I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.
Barry: Yeah, but I didn't do anything.
Restaurant Manager: Sir, I've got no way to prove you've smashed up the bathroom.
Barry: I didn't do that. I didn't.
Restaurant Manager: Look, I'm gonna have to ask you to go.
Barry: Okay, I didn't...
Restaurant Manager: I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.
Barry: All right, please don't do this to me.
Restaurant Manager: Sir, I'm gonna call the police.
Barry: All right. Look, can I just stay?
Restaurant Manager: Sir, I'm gonna crack your fucking head open. Get out of here.
Barry: [nervously] Yeah.
Restaurant Manager: Did you do it?
Barry: No.
Restaurant Manager: You didn't just smash up the bathroom?
Barry: No.
Restaurant Manager: Well, who did?
Barry: [pretends to think] I don't know.
Restaurant Manager: Sir, your hand is bleeding.
Barry: I cut myself.
Restaurant Manager: How?
Barry: On my knife.
[beat]
Barry: What? What?
Restaurant Manager: Sir, your hand is bleeding.
Barry: I know.
Restaurant Manager: I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.
Barry: Yeah, but I didn't do anything.
Restaurant Manager: Sir, I've got no way to prove you've smashed up the bathroom.
Barry: I didn't do that. I didn't.
Restaurant Manager: Look, I'm gonna have to ask you to go.
Barry: Okay, I didn't...
Restaurant Manager: I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.
Barry: All right, please don't do this to me.
Restaurant Manager: Sir, I'm gonna call the police.
Barry: All right. Look, can I just stay?
Restaurant Manager: Sir, I'm gonna crack your fucking head open. Get out of here.
Barry: [out of breath to his love Lena] Lena. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry I left you at the hospital. I called a phone-sex line... I called a phone-sex line before I met you, and four blond brothers came after me and they hurt you, and I'm sorry. Then I had to leave again because I wanted to make sure you never got hurt again. And I have a lot of puddings, and in six to eight weeks it can be redeemed. So if you could just give me that much time, I think I can get enough mileage to go with you wherever you go if you have to travel for your work. Because I don't ever want to be anywhere without you. So could you just let me redeem the mileage?
[first lines]
Barry: Yes, I'm still on hold.
Phone Rep: And what was this?
Barry: I'm looking at your advertisement for the airline promotion and giveaway.
Phone Rep: Ah, the 10 for 1 mile plan...
Barry: Yeah, it's hard to understand, because it says "in addition to". But I can't exactly understand in addition to what? Because there's actually nothing to add to.
Phone Rep: I think that's a typo then.h
Barry: Okay, so just to clarify - I'm sorry - 10 purchases of any of your healthy choice products equals 500 miles, and with the coupon, the same purchase would value 1000 miles?
Phone Rep: That's it.
Barry: Well, do you realize that the monetary value of this promotion and the prizes is potentially worth more than the purchases?
Phone Rep: I don't know.
Barry: Yes, I'm still on hold.
Phone Rep: And what was this?
Barry: I'm looking at your advertisement for the airline promotion and giveaway.
Phone Rep: Ah, the 10 for 1 mile plan...
Barry: Yeah, it's hard to understand, because it says "in addition to". But I can't exactly understand in addition to what? Because there's actually nothing to add to.
Phone Rep: I think that's a typo then.h
Barry: Okay, so just to clarify - I'm sorry - 10 purchases of any of your healthy choice products equals 500 miles, and with the coupon, the same purchase would value 1000 miles?
Phone Rep: That's it.
Barry: Well, do you realize that the monetary value of this promotion and the prizes is potentially worth more than the purchases?
Phone Rep: I don't know.
Barry: Yeah. You know what? I'm gonna go out of town. I'm gonna go out of town for two days.
Lance: Where are you going, Barry?
Barry: I have to go to Hawaii, but you can't tell my sisters.
Lance: [overlapping] You're going to Hawaii?
Barry: Yeah, don't tell my sisters though.
Lance: [overlapping] That's so wonderful, you're going to Hawaii!
Barry: [overlapping] Just make sure you don't tell my sisters.
Lance: Where are you going, Barry?
Barry: I have to go to Hawaii, but you can't tell my sisters.
Lance: [overlapping] You're going to Hawaii?
Barry: Yeah, don't tell my sisters though.
Lance: [overlapping] That's so wonderful, you're going to Hawaii!
Barry: [overlapping] Just make sure you don't tell my sisters.
Lena: I'm going to Hawaii on Friday.
Barry: [excited] Hawaii? I was thinking about going there!
Lena: [excited] Really?
Barry: [excited] I was thinking about going there on business!
Lena: [excited] Well, if YOU're gonna go...
Barry: [serious] I'm probably not gonna go though...
Lena: Oh, that's... that's too bad, cause... it's SO great over there, and if you were there we could say... hello to each other or something...
Barry: [in a single breath] Yes-that-would-be-great-but-I'm-not-exactly-sure-I-have-so-much-going-on-here-a-lot-depends-on-this-thing-if-it-happens-I-won't-be-able-to-go-but-if-it-doesn't-happen-I-might-be-able-to... I probably won't though.
Barry: [excited] Hawaii? I was thinking about going there!
Lena: [excited] Really?
Barry: [excited] I was thinking about going there on business!
Lena: [excited] Well, if YOU're gonna go...
Barry: [serious] I'm probably not gonna go though...
Lena: Oh, that's... that's too bad, cause... it's SO great over there, and if you were there we could say... hello to each other or something...
Barry: [in a single breath] Yes-that-would-be-great-but-I'm-not-exactly-sure-I-have-so-much-going-on-here-a-lot-depends-on-this-thing-if-it-happens-I-won't-be-able-to-go-but-if-it-doesn't-happen-I-might-be-able-to... I probably won't though.
Phone Sex Sister: [Barry dials into phone sex line] Oh, hello there guy!
Barry: Hi, look, this is Barry...
Phone Sex Sister: [Voicemail recording continues... ] You had almost reached me, but not quite. I'm in the other room shaving my roommate's pussy right now... so I'm a bit distracted. But if you leave me your name and your home phone number... area code first please... I'll be sure to call you back as soon as I'm done.
Barry: Yes, this is Barry Egan, I am calling in regards of what took place the other night... I just wanted to tell everybody I know it was not fair what you did to me... and I am expecting my money back. I realize you have my home phone number... I'm away on vacation right now, if you guys wanna reach me... shortly I will be home and we can discuss how you can return my money. Otherwise, I'm pretty sure that the Police can be contacted and I could do that... and I feel like it's warranted, so let's figure something out! Like I said, I'll be home shortly, give me a call. Ok, thank you.
Barry: Hi, look, this is Barry...
Phone Sex Sister: [Voicemail recording continues... ] You had almost reached me, but not quite. I'm in the other room shaving my roommate's pussy right now... so I'm a bit distracted. But if you leave me your name and your home phone number... area code first please... I'll be sure to call you back as soon as I'm done.
Barry: Yes, this is Barry Egan, I am calling in regards of what took place the other night... I just wanted to tell everybody I know it was not fair what you did to me... and I am expecting my money back. I realize you have my home phone number... I'm away on vacation right now, if you guys wanna reach me... shortly I will be home and we can discuss how you can return my money. Otherwise, I'm pretty sure that the Police can be contacted and I could do that... and I feel like it's warranted, so let's figure something out! Like I said, I'll be home shortly, give me a call. Ok, thank you.
