Pineapple Express Quotes
A process server and his marijuana dealer wind up on the run from hitmen and a corrupt police officer after he witness his dealer's boss murder a competitor while trying to serve papers on him.
Saul: Let's roll, man! I'm done with the woods! Let's go! C'mon, man, let's get the fuck outta here!
Dale Denton: [sarcastically] Okay... Uhh let's go... No... It's not working... the battery's dead.
Saul: Wait...! What do you mean, it's dead?
Dale Denton: [laughing] What do I mean? I mean the battery's dead. The battery's dead!
Saul: No, no! What do you mean, the battery's dead?
Dale Denton: How can I explain this to you differently? The battery is dead. It ceased to live. It's deceased now. The car needs a battery to start, Saul.
Saul: [frustrated sigh] How did this happen?
Dale Denton: Well we clearly fell asleep with the battery on and-...
Saul: Aw, man... Talk radio?
Dale Denton: Yes, talk radio.
Saul: So boring, man! The car just committed suicide.
Dale Denton: [sarcastically] Okay... Uhh let's go... No... It's not working... the battery's dead.
Saul: Wait...! What do you mean, it's dead?
Dale Denton: [laughing] What do I mean? I mean the battery's dead. The battery's dead!
Saul: No, no! What do you mean, the battery's dead?
Dale Denton: How can I explain this to you differently? The battery is dead. It ceased to live. It's deceased now. The car needs a battery to start, Saul.
Saul: [frustrated sigh] How did this happen?
Dale Denton: Well we clearly fell asleep with the battery on and-...
Saul: Aw, man... Talk radio?
Dale Denton: Yes, talk radio.
Saul: So boring, man! The car just committed suicide.
Red: Man, I'm just into Buddhism, and I'm at peace with the fact that me, as this person, probably gonna not be around. Think about a hermit crab, okay? And it's a shell. It's like, they go from one shell to the next. And that's what I am. I'm just a hermit crab changin' shells.
Dale Denton: Except if you're a dick your whole life, your next shell will be made of shit, okay? If you're an asshole, you're gonna come back as a cockroach or a worm or a fuckin' anal bead, okay? If you're a man and you act heroic, you'll come back as an eagle. You'll come back as a dragon. You'll come back as Jude Law, okay? Which would you rather be?
Red: Maybe the anal bead, depending on who it belongs to.
Dale Denton: Belongs to me.
Red: Then the dragon.
Dale Denton: Except if you're a dick your whole life, your next shell will be made of shit, okay? If you're an asshole, you're gonna come back as a cockroach or a worm or a fuckin' anal bead, okay? If you're a man and you act heroic, you'll come back as an eagle. You'll come back as a dragon. You'll come back as Jude Law, okay? Which would you rather be?
Red: Maybe the anal bead, depending on who it belongs to.
Dale Denton: Belongs to me.
Red: Then the dragon.
Saul: This is like if that Blue Oyster shit met that Afghan Kush I had - and they had a baby. And then, meanwhile, that crazy Northern Light stuff I had and the Super Red Espresso Snowflake met and had a baby. And by some miracle, those two babies met and fucked - this would the shit that they birthed.
Dale Denton: [smells the marijuana] Wow. This is the product of baby fucking.
Dale Denton: [smells the marijuana] Wow. This is the product of baby fucking.
Saul: How about in the park, when I said you were my friend... you didn't say anything back.
Dale Denton: Well, that's easy. It's because we're not friends. You are my drug dealer. The only reason I know you is because I like the drugs you sell. If you didn't sell drugs, I would have no idea who you are, and I wouldn't be here right now. I would be fantastic!
Saul: Oh.
Dale Denton: I'm sorry, that sounded really mean... just to hear that, that sounded really mean.
Saul: No, I see. The monkey's out of the bottle now!
Dale Denton: What? That's not even... a figure of speech.
Saul: Pandora can't go back into the box - he only comes out.
Dale Denton: Well, that's easy. It's because we're not friends. You are my drug dealer. The only reason I know you is because I like the drugs you sell. If you didn't sell drugs, I would have no idea who you are, and I wouldn't be here right now. I would be fantastic!
Saul: Oh.
Dale Denton: I'm sorry, that sounded really mean... just to hear that, that sounded really mean.
Saul: No, I see. The monkey's out of the bottle now!
Dale Denton: What? That's not even... a figure of speech.
Saul: Pandora can't go back into the box - he only comes out.
Red: Why don't you follow his lead and just chill out, man?
Dale Denton: I'm chill. I'm chill as a cucumber, man.
Red: You don't seem chill.
Dale Denton: I'm more chill than you.
Red: You're more chill than me?
Dale Denton: Yeah.
Red: Look what I'm wearing. Kimono, dog. What're you wearing?
Dale Denton: A suit.
Red: Yeah, exactly. I don't know what's up with you, but I don't know if I like you.
Dale Denton: Well, I don't know if I like you either, man.
Red: Well, that's your loss 'cause I'm a great friend.
Dale Denton: I'm chill. I'm chill as a cucumber, man.
Red: You don't seem chill.
Dale Denton: I'm more chill than you.
Red: You're more chill than me?
Dale Denton: Yeah.
Red: Look what I'm wearing. Kimono, dog. What're you wearing?
Dale Denton: A suit.
Red: Yeah, exactly. I don't know what's up with you, but I don't know if I like you.
Dale Denton: Well, I don't know if I like you either, man.
Red: Well, that's your loss 'cause I'm a great friend.
Saul: Just sit back and get ready to enjoy some of the rarest weed known to mankind.
[he lights a joint and inhales]
Dale Denton: It's really that rare?
Saul: [exhales] It's, like, the rarest.
[he examines the joint]
Saul: It's almost a shame to smoke it. It's like killing a unicorn... with, like, a bomb.
[he lights a joint and inhales]
Dale Denton: It's really that rare?
Saul: [exhales] It's, like, the rarest.
[he examines the joint]
Saul: It's almost a shame to smoke it. It's like killing a unicorn... with, like, a bomb.
Dale Denton: [while hiding in the woods, on the run from Ted's henchmen] Even if he found that roach, how could he find us?
Saul: Um... heat-seeking missiles... bloodhounds... and foxes... barracudas...
Dale Denton: I'm just - I'm kind of flabbergasted when you say things like that. It's weird.
Saul: Thank you.
Dale Denton: Not a compliment.
Saul: Um... heat-seeking missiles... bloodhounds... and foxes... barracudas...
Dale Denton: I'm just - I'm kind of flabbergasted when you say things like that. It's weird.
Saul: Thank you.
Dale Denton: Not a compliment.
Dale Denton: In case you haven't noticed - which you haven't, 'cause from what I can tell, you don't notice anything ever - we are not very functional when we're high.
Saul: Well, I don't know, man. I think I'm functioning right now. I was, like, stoned when I saved you with those slushies. What do you gotta say to that?
Dale Denton: Well, that would be true if you had saved me. But you didn't save me. She was gonna help us, but you made things worse. Now we're wanted for all sorts of crazy shit!
Saul: Don't fucking get on my case, all right? Look, only reason I started selling pot is so I could put my bubbeh in a nice retirement home.
Dale Denton: [sarcastically] Oh, yeah, she must be proud of you for that.
Saul: She is really proud of me, and I'm gonna become something, man! As soon as she dies, I'm gonna become a civil engineer. I'm gonna design septic tanks for playgrounds. Little kids can take shits! You idiot, what the hell do you do?
Saul: Well, I don't know, man. I think I'm functioning right now. I was, like, stoned when I saved you with those slushies. What do you gotta say to that?
Dale Denton: Well, that would be true if you had saved me. But you didn't save me. She was gonna help us, but you made things worse. Now we're wanted for all sorts of crazy shit!
Saul: Don't fucking get on my case, all right? Look, only reason I started selling pot is so I could put my bubbeh in a nice retirement home.
Dale Denton: [sarcastically] Oh, yeah, she must be proud of you for that.
Saul: She is really proud of me, and I'm gonna become something, man! As soon as she dies, I'm gonna become a civil engineer. I'm gonna design septic tanks for playgrounds. Little kids can take shits! You idiot, what the hell do you do?
Dale Denton: [talking about his girlfriend] I go visit her in high school and all the guys she goes to school with are, like, strong and handsome and really, like, funny and do good impressions of Jeff Goldblum and shit like that. And, like, I just feel like a fat, dumb fuckin' stinky-ass turd when I'm there.
Saul: What?
Dale Denton: It sucks for my ego.
Saul: Fuck Jeff Goldblum, man!
Saul: What?
Dale Denton: It sucks for my ego.
Saul: Fuck Jeff Goldblum, man!
Red: Do you know what today is?
Saul: Tuesday.
Red: This is my cat's birthday today.
Dale Denton: I don't see a cat in here. I'm sorry. Did you let it out by accident?
Red: No, because he died three months ago, okay? So now who's the funny guy?
Dale Denton: I'm sorry?
Red: Today is his birthday and it is a tradition that on his birthday I get up extra early and make him his favorite kind of dessert.
Saul: Don't worry, bro. Your cat's going to heaven.
Red: Yeah, maybe. Maybe he went to heaven. He was a little fucker. He could've gone to hell.
Saul: Tuesday.
Red: This is my cat's birthday today.
Dale Denton: I don't see a cat in here. I'm sorry. Did you let it out by accident?
Red: No, because he died three months ago, okay? So now who's the funny guy?
Dale Denton: I'm sorry?
Red: Today is his birthday and it is a tradition that on his birthday I get up extra early and make him his favorite kind of dessert.
Saul: Don't worry, bro. Your cat's going to heaven.
Red: Yeah, maybe. Maybe he went to heaven. He was a little fucker. He could've gone to hell.
Red: You don't think I can handle danger?
Dale Denton: What are you talking about?
Saul: You can.
Red: I totally can. And for you to come into my house and not tell secrets because you think you're saving me, well, in reality it just makes you look like a dumbass, cause look at this.
[He shows them his shaved armpits]
Red: You see this? You see that? There's no hair under here, bro.
Dale Denton: What's the significance of that?
Red: It makes me aerodynamic when I fight. I can take danger.
Dale Denton: What are you talking about?
Saul: You can.
Red: I totally can. And for you to come into my house and not tell secrets because you think you're saving me, well, in reality it just makes you look like a dumbass, cause look at this.
[He shows them his shaved armpits]
Red: You see this? You see that? There's no hair under here, bro.
Dale Denton: What's the significance of that?
Red: It makes me aerodynamic when I fight. I can take danger.
Dale Denton: What the fuck is this thing?
Saul: Ah. Cross joint.
Dale Denton: Yeah.
Saul: You ever smoke one of those?
Dale Denton: You can SMOKE this?
Saul: Hell yeah, man!
Dale Denton: No.
Saul: This. Is. The future, this is like the apex of the vortex of joint engineering. It's rumored that M. M. O'Shaughnessy designed the first one - the guy who, uh, designed the Golden Gate Bridge. My second favorite civil engineer behind Hannskarl Bandel: Madison Square Garden... What you do is you light all three ends at the same time...
Dale Denton: Really?
Saul:
Saul: Ah. Cross joint.
Dale Denton: Yeah.
Saul: You ever smoke one of those?
Dale Denton: You can SMOKE this?
Saul: Hell yeah, man!
Dale Denton: No.
Saul: This. Is. The future, this is like the apex of the vortex of joint engineering. It's rumored that M. M. O'Shaughnessy designed the first one - the guy who, uh, designed the Golden Gate Bridge. My second favorite civil engineer behind Hannskarl Bandel: Madison Square Garden... What you do is you light all three ends at the same time...
Dale Denton: Really?
Saul:
Matheson: Red, this is your last chance. You gonna give us something we can use?
Red: Matheson, you gotta be kidding me, man. What more do you want? I told you the guy's name was Dale Denton. He's obviously working with Saul. They came in here, they busted my house to shit, they kicked the hell out of me, and then duct-taped me to my grandfather's wheelchair. What more do you want me to tell you? Want me to read your horoscope?
Matheson: You hear that, Ted?
Ted Jones: [on the phone] Okay, ask if either of them were Asian.
Matheson: What skin color were they?
Red: They were white people. Denton might've been a Jew. I don't know. I don't judge people based on things like that. Obviously, we're friends.
Matheson: Ted, you hear him?
Ted Jones: Dale Denton. Not Asian. All right, kill Red.
Red: Man, listen, I would just appreciate it if both of y'all would take your shoes off. This is brand-new carpet. You're tracking mud in here. Matheson, you got British Knights on. I ain't seen anybody wear them since 1987-...
[Matheson shoots Red]
Red: Matheson, you gotta be kidding me, man. What more do you want? I told you the guy's name was Dale Denton. He's obviously working with Saul. They came in here, they busted my house to shit, they kicked the hell out of me, and then duct-taped me to my grandfather's wheelchair. What more do you want me to tell you? Want me to read your horoscope?
Matheson: You hear that, Ted?
Ted Jones: [on the phone] Okay, ask if either of them were Asian.
Matheson: What skin color were they?
Red: They were white people. Denton might've been a Jew. I don't know. I don't judge people based on things like that. Obviously, we're friends.
Matheson: Ted, you hear him?
Ted Jones: Dale Denton. Not Asian. All right, kill Red.
Red: Man, listen, I would just appreciate it if both of y'all would take your shoes off. This is brand-new carpet. You're tracking mud in here. Matheson, you got British Knights on. I ain't seen anybody wear them since 1987-...
[Matheson shoots Red]
Saul: You lied to me.
Red: I did. I lied big time to you.
Saul: Dale said that that you didn't even have herpes, and I said that you did.
Red: Honestly, like, from now on, just, like, from everything that we've gone through, from, like, seeing this fuckin' asshole's nuts smashed with my Daewoo, I want to be a better friend to you. I really do.
Saul: I fuckin' love you, dog. I fuckin' love you.
Red: I wanna be inside you, homes.
Saul: No more lies, Red.
Red: This is my moment.
Saul: This is your moment.
[Carol shoots Red]
Red: I did. I lied big time to you.
Saul: Dale said that that you didn't even have herpes, and I said that you did.
Red: Honestly, like, from now on, just, like, from everything that we've gone through, from, like, seeing this fuckin' asshole's nuts smashed with my Daewoo, I want to be a better friend to you. I really do.
Saul: I fuckin' love you, dog. I fuckin' love you.
Red: I wanna be inside you, homes.
Saul: No more lies, Red.
Red: This is my moment.
Saul: This is your moment.
[Carol shoots Red]
Mr. Edwards: Clark's a great guy, man. He's totally gonna take care of Angie, man. He's great; he's a wonderful lab partner, so... It's gonna be cool, he'll keep one eye on her.
Dale Denton: Why don't you go fuck yourself, you weird little prick?
Mr. Edwards: I'm a teacher, okay? You can't talk to me like that, guy.
Dale Denton: I'm not a student, so I can say whatever the fuck I want, you chimp-fucking little bastard.
Dale Denton: Why don't you go fuck yourself, you weird little prick?
Mr. Edwards: I'm a teacher, okay? You can't talk to me like that, guy.
Dale Denton: I'm not a student, so I can say whatever the fuck I want, you chimp-fucking little bastard.
Red: [Red wakes up and is taped to a chair] Hey, what's up, dudes?
Dale Denton: What's up? Tell us everything now!
Saul: Talk, Red.
Red: I'm gonna flex and bust out of here.
[Red tries to bust out]
Saul: Trapped.
Dale Denton: It's not happening, Red.
Red: Okay, I'll talk. Um, Ted Jones, he knows you witnessed the murder. He found your roach. He sent two guys over here, Budlofsky and Matheson. Two real big son of a bitches. They're basically out to kill you guys, and they're gonna kill me, too, unless I turn y'all over. So you guys are basically fucked.
Dale Denton: What's up? Tell us everything now!
Saul: Talk, Red.
Red: I'm gonna flex and bust out of here.
[Red tries to bust out]
Saul: Trapped.
Dale Denton: It's not happening, Red.
Red: Okay, I'll talk. Um, Ted Jones, he knows you witnessed the murder. He found your roach. He sent two guys over here, Budlofsky and Matheson. Two real big son of a bitches. They're basically out to kill you guys, and they're gonna kill me, too, unless I turn y'all over. So you guys are basically fucked.
Dale Denton: Hey, man, what happened to your lip?
Saul: Yeah... it looks like you've been crying or something...
Red: Um, actually, my lip, that's a cold sore. And I've never had a cold sore before, so I cried.
Saul: Dude, a cold sore? Does that mean like... herpes?
Red: Yes, that's what it means. I have herpes.
Saul: Herpes... Whoa, do you know how many, like, joints we've shared?
Red: Yes, I know, I'm a disgusting person.
Saul: Yeah... it looks like you've been crying or something...
Red: Um, actually, my lip, that's a cold sore. And I've never had a cold sore before, so I cried.
Saul: Dude, a cold sore? Does that mean like... herpes?
Red: Yes, that's what it means. I have herpes.
Saul: Herpes... Whoa, do you know how many, like, joints we've shared?
Red: Yes, I know, I'm a disgusting person.
Dale Denton: Oh, wow, you got a cute picture.
Saul: Oh, yeah, me and my bubbeh. Hey, let me ask you something. Do you think you could pull the plug on someone if you needed to? Like euthanasia?
Dale Denton: Like on her?
Saul: If I needed to.
Dale Denton: Um... I'm kind of in a hurry, man. I don't know if we should start going down that road. I could talk all day about euthanasia. Don't get me started.
Saul: Well, save it!
Dale Denton: We'll save it for next time. We'll keep it going.
Saul: Oh, yeah, me and my bubbeh. Hey, let me ask you something. Do you think you could pull the plug on someone if you needed to? Like euthanasia?
Dale Denton: Like on her?
Saul: If I needed to.
Dale Denton: Um... I'm kind of in a hurry, man. I don't know if we should start going down that road. I could talk all day about euthanasia. Don't get me started.
Saul: Well, save it!
Dale Denton: We'll save it for next time. We'll keep it going.
[Dale walks in unexpectedly]
Dale Denton: Hello? Hey, man.
Saul: What the fuck? I didn't buzz you in. How the monkey did you get in here?
Dale Denton: Oh, shit, some guy with a faux 'hawk let me in. He was leaving when I was-...
Saul: Fuckin' Kyle, man?
Dale Denton: It might've been Kyle.
Saul: That asshole.
Dale Denton: I'm sorry.
Saul: What the fuck's the buzzer for, anyway?
Dale Denton: I don't know. I'm sorry about that. I don't know your protocol yet.
Dale Denton: Hello? Hey, man.
Saul: What the fuck? I didn't buzz you in. How the monkey did you get in here?
Dale Denton: Oh, shit, some guy with a faux 'hawk let me in. He was leaving when I was-...
Saul: Fuckin' Kyle, man?
Dale Denton: It might've been Kyle.
Saul: That asshole.
Dale Denton: I'm sorry.
Saul: What the fuck's the buzzer for, anyway?
Dale Denton: I don't know. I'm sorry about that. I don't know your protocol yet.
Saul: You know, don't get down on yourself: You got a great girl, you got a great job whete you don't go anything, you get to smoke weed all day... I wish I had that...
Dale Denton: Are you kidd - you do, you have the easiest job on Earth. You DO smoke weed all day.
Saul: ...Hahaha, that's true!
Dale Denton: You didn't think of that, huh?
Saul: I do have a good job...
Dale Denton: Yeah, you do nothing!
Saul: Thanks, man!
Dale Denton: No problem.
Saul: Thank you.
Dale Denton: Are you kidd - you do, you have the easiest job on Earth. You DO smoke weed all day.
Saul: ...Hahaha, that's true!
Dale Denton: You didn't think of that, huh?
Saul: I do have a good job...
Dale Denton: Yeah, you do nothing!
Saul: Thanks, man!
Dale Denton: No problem.
Saul: Thank you.
[Matheson kills Budlofsky for refusing to refusing to shoot Saul when he had the chance]
Matheson: I knew you were going soft. Dinner's gonna be cold tonight, asshole!
Saul: Fucked up, man.
Matheson: [Points his gun at Saul] Well looky here, Mr. Forges. Wussup, Saul?
Saul: Look, I didn't want to hit you, man...
Matheson: SHUT THE FUCK UP! You think you was gonna get me, motherfucker? Huh? You need to set your little sexy ass down and watch yourself get killed now!
Saul: Alright! You know what, if this is how it's gonna be, alright. Silence!
[Red drives his car into the barn, killing Matheson]
Matheson: I knew you were going soft. Dinner's gonna be cold tonight, asshole!
Saul: Fucked up, man.
Matheson: [Points his gun at Saul] Well looky here, Mr. Forges. Wussup, Saul?
Saul: Look, I didn't want to hit you, man...
Matheson: SHUT THE FUCK UP! You think you was gonna get me, motherfucker? Huh? You need to set your little sexy ass down and watch yourself get killed now!
Saul: Alright! You know what, if this is how it's gonna be, alright. Silence!
[Red drives his car into the barn, killing Matheson]
Saul: Relax, man, just sit back and get ready to enjoy some of the rarest weed known to man.
Dale Denton: It's really that rare?
Saul: It's like the rarest. It's almost a shame to smoke it. It's like... killin' a unicorn... with, like, a bomb...
Dale Denton: Are you the only guy in town who has this? You're actually the only guy?
Saul: Yeah. My guy Red said he was givin' me an exclusive sneak preview.
Dale Denton: And am I the only guy who you sold it to; the other guys got snicklefritz?
Saul: Yeah. So *we're* like the only guys...
Dale Denton: And Red got this from Ted?
Saul: Ted's the man.
Dale Denton: ...Let's get the fuck outta here, man! Go! Go! Let's go!
Saul: What?
Dale Denton: Let's go! Go!
Saul: Why?
Dale Denton: Because! I threw a roach of this outside of Ted's house!
Saul: So what, man? I throw roaches all over the fuckin' town...
Dale Denton: No! No, no! He could find the roach and say it's Pineapple Express in here! SAUL! He's the only guy who HAS Pineapple Express! He must've seen the murder or know - let's fuckin' kill him!
Saul: Oh, fuck!
Dale Denton: Let's get outta here! Wait, wait, stop, stop, stop, stop! Get weed! Get the weed!
Saul: Okay.
Dale Denton: Anything we might need: snacks, food, fruit roll-ups! Let's get the fuck outta here!
Dale Denton: It's really that rare?
Saul: It's like the rarest. It's almost a shame to smoke it. It's like... killin' a unicorn... with, like, a bomb...
Dale Denton: Are you the only guy in town who has this? You're actually the only guy?
Saul: Yeah. My guy Red said he was givin' me an exclusive sneak preview.
Dale Denton: And am I the only guy who you sold it to; the other guys got snicklefritz?
Saul: Yeah. So *we're* like the only guys...
Dale Denton: And Red got this from Ted?
Saul: Ted's the man.
Dale Denton: ...Let's get the fuck outta here, man! Go! Go! Let's go!
Saul: What?
Dale Denton: Let's go! Go!
Saul: Why?
Dale Denton: Because! I threw a roach of this outside of Ted's house!
Saul: So what, man? I throw roaches all over the fuckin' town...
Dale Denton: No! No, no! He could find the roach and say it's Pineapple Express in here! SAUL! He's the only guy who HAS Pineapple Express! He must've seen the murder or know - let's fuckin' kill him!
Saul: Oh, fuck!
Dale Denton: Let's get outta here! Wait, wait, stop, stop, stop, stop! Get weed! Get the weed!
Saul: Okay.
Dale Denton: Anything we might need: snacks, food, fruit roll-ups! Let's get the fuck outta here!
General Bratt: When did it start?
Scientist: At 0500. We're seven minutes in.
Scientist: Okay, Private Miller, you've been smoking Item 9 for seven minutes and 13 seconds. We're going to ask you several questions. How do you feel?
Private Miller: Well sir... I feel like a... like a slice of butter... melting... on top of a... big old pile... of flapjacks... yeah.
Scientist: Okay, Private Miller, when you think of your superiors, what emotions do you feel?
Private Miller: [giggles and starts to beat box a swinging big band]
Scientist: [losing patience] Okay, Private Miller?
General Bratt: Is this normal?
Scientist: At 0500. We're seven minutes in.
Scientist: Okay, Private Miller, you've been smoking Item 9 for seven minutes and 13 seconds. We're going to ask you several questions. How do you feel?
Private Miller: Well sir... I feel like a... like a slice of butter... melting... on top of a... big old pile... of flapjacks... yeah.
Scientist: Okay, Private Miller, when you think of your superiors, what emotions do you feel?
Private Miller: [giggles and starts to beat box a swinging big band]
Scientist: [losing patience] Okay, Private Miller?
General Bratt: Is this normal?
Saul: Herpes is for life, bro!
Red: Yeah, well, I'm gonna try to definitely put some sort of medical ointment on it. I've been takin Vicodin; that really doesn't take down the swelling, though.
Saul: It's from that time. I told you, man! You wanted to eat that lollipop out of that stripper's snatch! You wanted to do it!
Saul: Out of her vagina, I know! Remember what you did? What'd you do?
Red: Nothing.
Red: You ate a box of Nerds outta her butt-hoooole.
Red: Yeah, well, I'm gonna try to definitely put some sort of medical ointment on it. I've been takin Vicodin; that really doesn't take down the swelling, though.
Saul: It's from that time. I told you, man! You wanted to eat that lollipop out of that stripper's snatch! You wanted to do it!
Saul: Out of her vagina, I know! Remember what you did? What'd you do?
Red: Nothing.
Red: You ate a box of Nerds outta her butt-hoooole.
Robert: [at dinner] What the hell happened to you?
Dale Denton: Nothing, I'm supposed to be here right now, so I'm here!
Robert: You're all dirty and bleeding.
Dale Denton: No I'm not, I'm here for dinner.
Shannon: You have scratches on your forehead...
Robert: Dude, you smell like shit.
Angie Anderson: Dale, what happened to you?
Dale Denton: I was in the woods!
Shannon: In the woods?
Dale Denton: Yeah, isn't that weird? I was... I was in the woods!
Shannon: What were you doing in the woods?
Dale Denton: I bird... watch... I don't. No, I don't. Look, I'm gonna come clean. I witnessed a murder. Ok? I saw someone murder... someone else.
Dale Denton: Nothing, I'm supposed to be here right now, so I'm here!
Robert: You're all dirty and bleeding.
Dale Denton: No I'm not, I'm here for dinner.
Shannon: You have scratches on your forehead...
Robert: Dude, you smell like shit.
Angie Anderson: Dale, what happened to you?
Dale Denton: I was in the woods!
Shannon: In the woods?
Dale Denton: Yeah, isn't that weird? I was... I was in the woods!
Shannon: What were you doing in the woods?
Dale Denton: I bird... watch... I don't. No, I don't. Look, I'm gonna come clean. I witnessed a murder. Ok? I saw someone murder... someone else.
Red: [before saving Saul] I can't do this. I'm sorry, man. I can't do this. I'm infected. My shit's all fucked up. I need medical attention.
Dale Denton: What do you mean you can't - I thought we just got all pumped up! What was that all about?
Red: Dude, Ted is a fucking murderer! I can't fuck with him! I got a wife, man! She's gonna be out of jail soon. I wanna fuck her! I wanna have sex with her! I am not gonna wake up murdered tomorrow.
Dale Denton: Oh, no! Come on, this could be your moment of redemption!
Red: Fuck that. This'll be your moment.
Dale Denton: What do you mean you can't - I thought we just got all pumped up! What was that all about?
Red: Dude, Ted is a fucking murderer! I can't fuck with him! I got a wife, man! She's gonna be out of jail soon. I wanna fuck her! I wanna have sex with her! I am not gonna wake up murdered tomorrow.
Dale Denton: Oh, no! Come on, this could be your moment of redemption!
Red: Fuck that. This'll be your moment.
[Saul throws his cell phone into the woods after suggesting that they can be traced]
Dale Denton: Whoa! What the fuck was that?
Saul: I was trying to hit that tree. I missed.
Dale Denton: What tree?
Saul: That one.
Dale Denton: Why didn't you smash it on a rock like a normal person like I did?
Saul: I don't know! How often does somebody smash things? I'm rusty, fuck.
Dale Denton: Oh, man, did you at least see where it landed?
Saul: I don't know. Just call it.
Dale Denton: Call it? With what? My phone has been smashed!
Saul: [pauses] Y'know, I bet they can't even triangulate those things.
Dale Denton: Well, you shouldn't have said anything, because now you convinced me they can! You were very convincing back there!
Saul: Okay, okay. Fine, I'll go find it. Fuck.
Dale Denton: Do you see it?
Saul: See what?
Dale Denton: The phone, you idiot!
Dale Denton: Whoa! What the fuck was that?
Saul: I was trying to hit that tree. I missed.
Dale Denton: What tree?
Saul: That one.
Dale Denton: Why didn't you smash it on a rock like a normal person like I did?
Saul: I don't know! How often does somebody smash things? I'm rusty, fuck.
Dale Denton: Oh, man, did you at least see where it landed?
Saul: I don't know. Just call it.
Dale Denton: Call it? With what? My phone has been smashed!
Saul: [pauses] Y'know, I bet they can't even triangulate those things.
Dale Denton: Well, you shouldn't have said anything, because now you convinced me they can! You were very convincing back there!
Saul: Okay, okay. Fine, I'll go find it. Fuck.
Dale Denton: Do you see it?
Saul: See what?
Dale Denton: The phone, you idiot!
Budlofsky: [Matheson punches Saul] Stand back! Ted wants him alive!
Matheson: Why're you holding me back?
Budlofsky: Ted wants him alive, okay?
Matheson: I should be kicking his fucking teeth in!
Budlofsky: If anybody's gonna beat him up, it's gonna be Ted.
Matheson: I look like Hamburglar! And the Elephant Man!
Saul: You look like someone fucked you up with a coffee pot, man!
Budlofsky: Professional. Professional.
Saul: Professional on this, bitch!
Matheson: [to Saul] Whatever, man.
[to Budlofsky]
Matheson: And where were you?
Budlofsky: I was there!
Matheson: You're supposed to be my partner!
Budlofsky: I was there!
Matheson: No, you wasn't there! How did this happen, then?
Saul: He's got good reflexes, man.
Matheson: Why're you holding me back?
Budlofsky: Ted wants him alive, okay?
Matheson: I should be kicking his fucking teeth in!
Budlofsky: If anybody's gonna beat him up, it's gonna be Ted.
Matheson: I look like Hamburglar! And the Elephant Man!
Saul: You look like someone fucked you up with a coffee pot, man!
Budlofsky: Professional. Professional.
Saul: Professional on this, bitch!
Matheson: [to Saul] Whatever, man.
[to Budlofsky]
Matheson: And where were you?
Budlofsky: I was there!
Matheson: You're supposed to be my partner!
Budlofsky: I was there!
Matheson: No, you wasn't there! How did this happen, then?
Saul: He's got good reflexes, man.
Saul: [Red spits in Saul's eye] HERPES!
Red: [smacks Saul with dustbuster and beats him on the ground] You brought the devil into my house!
Saul: [confused as to why Red is hitting him] We're friends!
Red: I know we are, that's what SUCKS!
Saul: Are you on that meth shit again?
[screams to Dale]
Saul: Dale, he's hurting me!
Red: [smacks Saul with dustbuster and beats him on the ground] You brought the devil into my house!
Saul: [confused as to why Red is hitting him] We're friends!
Red: I know we are, that's what SUCKS!
Saul: Are you on that meth shit again?
[screams to Dale]
Saul: Dale, he's hurting me!
Police Liaison Officer: Don't move; this shit hurts!
[holding a can of mace]
Police Liaison Officer: What's in your hand?
Dale Denton: It's weed, it's a joint, it's a roach. I thought it was decriminalized. To be honest with you, I have horrible anorexia and it helps my appetite. I'm so sorry.
Police Liaison Officer: Look, selling narcotics to my students is not decriminalized. I'm the liaison officer for this school. And guess what? I just saw three students walking from back here with their eyes as red as the devil's dick!
Dale Denton: Fuck!
Police Liaison Officer: You're busted!
Dale Denton: Those kids came up and they peer-pressured me; this is a horrible misunderstanding.
[holding a can of mace]
Police Liaison Officer: What's in your hand?
Dale Denton: It's weed, it's a joint, it's a roach. I thought it was decriminalized. To be honest with you, I have horrible anorexia and it helps my appetite. I'm so sorry.
Police Liaison Officer: Look, selling narcotics to my students is not decriminalized. I'm the liaison officer for this school. And guess what? I just saw three students walking from back here with their eyes as red as the devil's dick!
Dale Denton: Fuck!
Police Liaison Officer: You're busted!
Dale Denton: Those kids came up and they peer-pressured me; this is a horrible misunderstanding.
Saul: [both are running away, Saul jumps into nearby dumpster] Hey, in here!
Dale Denton: [comes to a surprised stop] What? WHOA! I gotta get to a phone, man, COME ON!
Saul: [tired] Why?
Dale Denton: Why? Why, look! OK, if Red tells Ted's guys about
[pants]
Dale Denton: my name, They'll go to my apartment,
[pants]
Dale Denton: And there, I have Angie's name!
[flailing arms]
Dale Denton: And they could put that all together, and they'll find us, Let's go!
Saul: [still tired, realizing that he's dirty] No, no. I think we should stay.
Dale Denton: [mad] WHY?
Saul: 'Cause I'm in the dumpster already!
Dale Denton: [mad still] Well, then get out!
[smells Saul and the dumpster]
Dale Denton: Ughh!
Dale Denton: [comes to a surprised stop] What? WHOA! I gotta get to a phone, man, COME ON!
Saul: [tired] Why?
Dale Denton: Why? Why, look! OK, if Red tells Ted's guys about
[pants]
Dale Denton: my name, They'll go to my apartment,
[pants]
Dale Denton: And there, I have Angie's name!
[flailing arms]
Dale Denton: And they could put that all together, and they'll find us, Let's go!
Saul: [still tired, realizing that he's dirty] No, no. I think we should stay.
Dale Denton: [mad] WHY?
Saul: 'Cause I'm in the dumpster already!
Dale Denton: [mad still] Well, then get out!
[smells Saul and the dumpster]
Dale Denton: Ughh!
Saul: Smell it. SMELL it! Enjoy. It's like... God's vagina!
Dale Denton: Uhhh!
Saul: What, do you wanna bathe in it?
Dale Denton: I just want to live in here!
Saul: Yes, you wanna be it?
Dale Denton: Oh, my God, I just wanna shove it up my nose and have that smell all day. That's amazing! It's beautiful!
Saul: Shove it anywhere you like!
Dale Denton: What's it called?
Saul: Pineapple Express.
Dale Denton: Uhhh!
Saul: What, do you wanna bathe in it?
Dale Denton: I just want to live in here!
Saul: Yes, you wanna be it?
Dale Denton: Oh, my God, I just wanna shove it up my nose and have that smell all day. That's amazing! It's beautiful!
Saul: Shove it anywhere you like!
Dale Denton: What's it called?
Saul: Pineapple Express.
Dale Denton: [after explaining everything that's happened] Do you believe me?
Police Liaison Officer: I don't know. Give me a minute. It was a woman or a man cop?
Dale Denton: It was a policewoman. It was a woman.
Police Liaison Officer: Oh, I think I know who that bitch was.
Dale Denton: Yes, I will identify that bitch!
Police Liaison Officer: I don't know. Give me a minute. It was a woman or a man cop?
Dale Denton: It was a policewoman. It was a woman.
Police Liaison Officer: Oh, I think I know who that bitch was.
Dale Denton: Yes, I will identify that bitch!
