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A lonely shoe salesman and an eccentric performance artist struggle to connect in this unique take on contemporary life.
Robby: Say, "You poop into my butt hole and I poop into your butt hole... back and forth... forever."
Christine Jesperson: [seeing his bandage] Whoa, what happened? Richard Swersey: You want the short version or the long one? Christine Jesperson: The long one. Richard Swersey: I tried to save my life but it didn't work. Christine Jesperson: Wow. What's the short one? Richard Swersey: I burned it.
Christine Jesperson: [making both sides of the conversation between her and an imaginary lover] [no answer] Christine Jesperson: Nevermind... let's go... say it. - Let's go... - Everywhere... - Everywhere... - Even though... - Even though... - We're scared... - We're scared... - Cause it's life... - It's life... - and it's happening, it's really really happening... RIGHT NOW...
Christine Jesperson: We have a whole life to live together you fucker, but it can't start until you call.
Richard Swersey: When me and Pam were first in love, we hated to be apart even for an hour. Andrew: Oh yeah, I had something like that once. A real fuck-athon. Richard Swersey: No, we just slept. We loved to sleep when it was time to sleep. Not sex- we had sex, but what we really loved was to sleep like babies all day long. Andrew: That sounds perfect.
Andrew: Dude, did you just give her the family discount? Richard Swersey: Yeah. She's my neighbor, and I'm trying to work on my karma. Do you know what karma means? Andrew: Yeah. Richard Swersey: It means that she owes me one.
Michael: Ellen broke up with me. Christine Jesperson: What? Why? Michael: She thinks she's gonna die this week. Christine Jesperson: No. Out of everyone at Saint Tod, she is the least likely person to die. Michael: Well, she's usually right. She's been right about everyone else. I lived a whole life with a woman I didn't even really like. We traveled all over the world together. And Ellen and I never even left the grounds. Christine Jesperson: Well, actually I took you to the IMAX that one time. Michael: Yeah, but I wanted to take her to the Mayan ruins in Guatemala. She really wanted to see those. Christine Jesperson: Yeah, that just seems weird that she wouldn't want to be with you- you know, if - her time was coming. Michael: I've long since stopped trying to make people - do things they don't want to do. Christine Jesperson: But she's the love of your life. You're just gonna let her go? Michael: No. She's just - Going.
Richard Swersey: You think you deserve that pain but you don't.
Housewares Saleswoman: I think everything's gonna be computerized in twenty years. Sylvie: Soup won't be computerized. Housewares Saleswoman: Why not? Sylvie: It's a liquid.
Andrew: I would love to believe in a universe where you wake up and don't have to to go to work and you step outside and meet two beautiful 18-year-old sister who are also girlfriends and are also very nice people.
Michael: I just wish I had met her 50 years sooner. Christine Jesperson: Yeah. Michael: But then maybe I needed 70 years of life to be ready for a woman like Ellen.
Christine Jesperson: [Talking about the fish on top of the car that is about to die] Oh, God, the little girl is going to have to watch it. Michael: At least they know. At least we're all together in this.
Nancy: Email wouldn't even exist if it weren't for AIDS.
Michael: So tell Ellen about the shoe guy. Did you go back to the store? Christine Jesperson: Yeah. And turns out he's a killer of children. [pause] Christine Jesperson: So, oh well.
Robby: Ask her if she likes baloney.
Heather: But this is better 'cause it won't matter if we mess up. And we'll be together.
Christine Jesperson: If you really love me, let's make a vow - right here, together... right now.
Richard Swersey: We will never touch your foot with our hands. Now i'll tell you what I can do, I can press on the shoe to see if it fits. I can go like this. [presses the toe of the shoe]
Peter Swersey: So, do you have anything new in the chest? You know, the hope chest.
Heather: Hey Peter, Peter Swersey! We're going to give you a... Jimmy ha ha. Rebecca: Do you know what that is? Peter Swersey: Yeah. Heather: No you don't 'cause I just made it up.
Christine Jesperson: I mean, they kind of rub my ankles, but all shoes does that. I have low ankles. Richard Swersey: You think you deserve that pain, but you don't. Christine Jesperson: I don't think I deserve it. Richard Swersey: Well, not consciously maybe. Christine Jesperson: My ankles are just low... Richard Swersey: People think that foot pain is a fact of life, but life is actually better than that. Michael: I'll say. You should get some. Your whole life could be better. Just starting right now.
Christine Jesperson: But she's the love of your life, You're just going to let her go? Michael: No, she's just going...
Richard Swersey: [after taking off the bandage from his hand] It needs air. It needs to do some living. Let's take my hand for a walk.
Christine Jesperson: Call me, if you ever feel too old to drive.
Peter Swersey: I'd live up there if I could, if there was no gravity Sylvie: Yeah, but if you lived up there, all the stuff in my room would fall on you and crush you and you'd die
Richard Swersey: In some cultures, when you burn yourself, it's a ceremony. It's called self-immolation! My uncle used to do it all the time. It was a great trick! He'd put the stuff on it, light it, and it would just go out when he went like this. [moves bandaged hand back and forth] Richard Swersey: After I lit it, I suddenly remembered: It's alcohol that burns, but doesn't burn up. Lighter fluid just burns... and then I thought, "It's okay. It's better this way."
Richard Swersey: [carrying bowls of cereal] I thought we'd have breakfast for dinner. And then maybe sometime we'll have dinner for breakfast. Just to mix things up a little.
Richard Swersey: I don't want to have to do this living. I just walk around. I want to be swept off my feet, you know? I want my children to have magical powers. I am prepared for amazing things to happen. I can handle it.
Richard Swersey: You know some kids don't even have one home and now you get to have two. Think about that.
Nancy: Macaroni.
Untitled: Are you touching yourself? NightWarrior: [looks down at fingertips touching on edge of desk] Yes.
Robby: Mom says we have a chore wheel. Richard Swersey: What? Peter Swersey: Nothing. Robby: A chore wheel. You put chores on it and then you can spin it. There's this metal thing and it helps it to spin. It's spinning from the metal.
Richard Swersey: Yeah, the "Ice Land" sign is halfway. It's the halfway point. Christine Jesperson: Ice Land is - It's kind of like that point in a relationship, you know, where you suddenly realize it's not going to last forever. You know, you can see the end in sight. Tyrone Street. Richard Swersey: Yeah, but we're not even there yet. We're still at the good part. We're not even sick of each other yet. Christine Jesperson: I'm not sick of you at all.
Sylvie's Mom: Kids are so adaptable. Sylvie: Am I adaptable? Sylvie's Mom: Yes. Richard Swersey: Yes, well, they have absolutely no control over their lives, so... But if things were reversed - you know, like that movie Freaky Friday - you can be sure Pam and I would be sent to our rooms for all our Friday. Yes, they would give us a time-out and tell us we could not come out until we had really thought about what we had done. [pause. Very soberly] Richard Swersey: What have we done? [pause] Richard Swersey: But... there are no time-outs, there's not enough time for... time-out.
