Man of the Year Quotes
A comedian who hosts a news satire program decides to run for president, and a computerized voting machine malfunction gets him elected.
Tom Dobbs: Even in the face of tyranny, there is comedy. Remember those two Jewish commandos who were sent to kill Hitler at 12:30? They waited in an alley with guns, bombs and knives... only Hitler didn't show up. After half an hour came and went, still no Hitler. Finally, one Jew turns to the other and says, "My God, I hope nothing happened to him."
Tom Dobbs: [on patriotism] Why do we need a Constitutional Amendment with regard to burning the flag? Let's just make the flag out of asbestos. They talk about the desecration of the American flag and yet, online, you can buy flag underwear. I just saw my grandmother wearing a flag thong, and I was like, "Granny, I don't wanna know where Old Glory is!"... If it was *really* unpatriotic to question one's government, we'd still be British.
Alan Stewart: Here's the story: the people are voting, there's an election, and the democratic process is working. The only sour note? The people won't end up with the candidate that they voted for to be President. We can still celebrate the process. The democracy which we hold so dear will have worked. Everybody's gonna be satisfied... Perception of legitimacy is more important than legitimacy itself. That's the greater truth. You wanna f*** with our democracy, undermine our way of life? Every American believes their vote counts. You wanna tell them that's not true?
Hemmings: Will you be disappointed to be going back to television after this ride?
Eddie Langston: Oh, no. I have a glorious love-hate relationship with TV.
Hemmings: How so?
Eddie Langston: TV scares me. It makes everything seem credible.
Hemmings: Why is that so bad?
Eddie Langston: If everything seems credible then nothing seems credible. You know, TV puts everybody in those boxes, side-by-side. On one side, there's this certifiable lunatic who says the Holocaust never happened. And next to him is this noted, honored historian who knows all about the Holocaust. And now, there they sit, side-by-side, they look like equals! Everything they say seems to be credible. And so, as it goes on, nothing seems credible anymore! We just stopped listening!
Eddie Langston: Oh, no. I have a glorious love-hate relationship with TV.
Hemmings: How so?
Eddie Langston: TV scares me. It makes everything seem credible.
Hemmings: Why is that so bad?
Eddie Langston: If everything seems credible then nothing seems credible. You know, TV puts everybody in those boxes, side-by-side. On one side, there's this certifiable lunatic who says the Holocaust never happened. And next to him is this noted, honored historian who knows all about the Holocaust. And now, there they sit, side-by-side, they look like equals! Everything they say seems to be credible. And so, as it goes on, nothing seems credible anymore! We just stopped listening!
Tom Dobbs: [just minutes before his nationally-televised Presidential debate] I need a wife to be my escort for the debate. We could find a nice house on Pennsylvania Avenue, nothing ostentatious. Helicopter pad in the back yard, couple of thousand phone lines, staff of 60... Am I nervous? Well, why else would I propose to a woman I never met before?
Tom Dobbs: The government said recently that we're cutting back spending, yet NASA blew $28 million to develop a fountain pen that writes upside down in zero gravity. The Russians solved the same problem with a 5-cent pencil... and after two cases of vodka, it's still writing.
[laughter]
Tom Dobbs: If you have GPS, be very careful. I bought a Mercedes recently with talking GPS. I opened the door and my car went, "Are you Jewish?"
[more laughter]
Tom Dobbs: Soon, all of your appliances will speak to each other. You'll get on the scale and it'll go, "I've talked to the microwave; forget it, pal."
[more laughter]
[laughter]
Tom Dobbs: If you have GPS, be very careful. I bought a Mercedes recently with talking GPS. I opened the door and my car went, "Are you Jewish?"
[more laughter]
Tom Dobbs: Soon, all of your appliances will speak to each other. You'll get on the scale and it'll go, "I've talked to the microwave; forget it, pal."
[more laughter]
Jack Menken: You're a comedian who talks about politics. So when you talk about politics without the comedy, it's like wanting to have sex and forgetting to bring along the woman: you'll quickly discover something's missing. Look at it this way - who would you rather have dinner with, Richard Pryor in his prime, or UN President Kofi Annan? Tell me which dinner would be more entertaining, more interesting.
Tom Dobbs: If there's no candles, Pryor.
Tom Dobbs: If there's no candles, Pryor.
Tom Dobbs: And here's our first contestant, Your name please? / Yes my name is Rachel Tensions.
[laughing]
Tom Dobbs: / Yes indeed dear, contestant number two your name? / My name is Miss Ogyny, Yes I thought he was really hot but then when I found out about his radical environmental policy I went Ump-mm, I like a dirty environment if you know what I mean, I want a man who's not afraid to go in the wet lands and drill.
[laughing]
Tom Dobbs: Deep drill you know what I'm saying, get down in the mud and take it home daddy that's all.
[laughing]
Tom Dobbs: / Yes indeed dear, contestant number two your name? / My name is Miss Ogyny, Yes I thought he was really hot but then when I found out about his radical environmental policy I went Ump-mm, I like a dirty environment if you know what I mean, I want a man who's not afraid to go in the wet lands and drill.
[laughing]
Tom Dobbs: Deep drill you know what I'm saying, get down in the mud and take it home daddy that's all.
Tom Dobbs: [on the environment] The best thing about ethanol, or alcohol-based fuel, is that it provides you with a fresh alibi. If you get pulled over by the cops, you can just say, "My car's been drinking, not me!"... If you put enough chemicals in the water, you'll catch two-headed bass. They're good eating once you get past the tumors.
Tom Dobbs: The difference between a stand-up comic and a rock star is this: Women don't rush the stage and holler at the comic, "This is *your* child!" No, if women throw their underwear on stage for us comics... that's because they need it fluffed, folded and back by Friday.
Tina Fey: I once threw my undies at Paris Hilton, and they stuck to her. Then there was the time I threw my underwear at George Michael; he threw it back.
Amy Poehler: There was one time I threw my undies at Britney Spears, because it looked like she needed to borrow a pair. On another occasion, I threw my underwear at Michael Jackson; he immediately put it over his son's head.
Tom Dobbs: There's one other person I've thrown my underwear at: Captain Kangaroo. I was five years old, and a *big* fan of Mister Green Jeans. What can I say? Those guys were their generation's answer to BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN.
Tina Fey: I once threw my undies at Paris Hilton, and they stuck to her. Then there was the time I threw my underwear at George Michael; he threw it back.
Amy Poehler: There was one time I threw my undies at Britney Spears, because it looked like she needed to borrow a pair. On another occasion, I threw my underwear at Michael Jackson; he immediately put it over his son's head.
Tom Dobbs: There's one other person I've thrown my underwear at: Captain Kangaroo. I was five years old, and a *big* fan of Mister Green Jeans. What can I say? Those guys were their generation's answer to BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN.
Tom Dobbs: [on his decision to run for President of the US] I'm fed up with party politics, tired of the whole Republicans versus Democrats thing. Because there's no real difference; they're all Mr. Potato-Head candidates. Basically, the operative word is party. Behind closed doors, they just have a good time. What do you think the Secretary of Defense means when he says, "I think there's an open bar somewhere"?
