MacGruber Quotes
Former special operative MacGruber is called back into action to take down his arch-enemy, Dieter Von Cunth, who's in possession of a nuclear warhead and bent on destroying Washington, D.C.
MacGruber: Looks like you're keeping your bod pretty tight.
Frank Korver: You're looking pretty good yourself.
MacGruber: Well, everday's a workout when you gotta carry around a 20 pound python in your jeans.
Frank Korver: You and your dick comments.
MacGruber: It's fun to say them.
Frank Korver: It's fun to hear them.
MacGruber: That's why I say them.
Frank Korver: And that's why I listen.
Frank Korver: You're looking pretty good yourself.
MacGruber: Well, everday's a workout when you gotta carry around a 20 pound python in your jeans.
Frank Korver: You and your dick comments.
MacGruber: It's fun to say them.
Frank Korver: It's fun to hear them.
MacGruber: That's why I say them.
Frank Korver: And that's why I listen.
MacGruber: [begging for Piper to join team] Don't make me beg here, because I will do it. I am so sorry, I am so goddamn sorry! Look I'm freaking out here! I killed them! I killed them all! I'm so fucking stupid! I don't know what I'm doing and everybody hates me!
[long silence]
MacGruber: I will suck your dick, I will suck your fucking dick, just join my team. I'll suck your dick, you can fuck me, you can get fucked by me. You can watch me fuck something? Just point at something in the room and I'll fuck it for you! Just tell me what you want me to fuck!
Lt. Dixon Piper: Jesus Christ, MacGruber!
MacGruber: Just tell me what you want me to fuck!
[long silence]
MacGruber: I will suck your dick, I will suck your fucking dick, just join my team. I'll suck your dick, you can fuck me, you can get fucked by me. You can watch me fuck something? Just point at something in the room and I'll fuck it for you! Just tell me what you want me to fuck!
Lt. Dixon Piper: Jesus Christ, MacGruber!
MacGruber: Just tell me what you want me to fuck!
Lt. Dixon Piper: Why did he do it? Why did Cunth kill your wife?
MacGruber: To this day, I have no idea. We actually all went to college together. Believe it or not, we were very close friends. Then after graduation, he got engaged to her. He asked me to be his best man and right about that time, I started banging her and mowing her box. She was actually the first person I felt comfortable enough around to let eat out my butt. Anyway, shortly thereafter, she left him for me. She was actually carrying his child at the time. I asked her to terminate it, obviously, so we could start fresh. And she agreed. We were so in love. And he took that from me.
Lt. Dixon Piper: That's really fucked up.
MacGruber: Thanks.
MacGruber: To this day, I have no idea. We actually all went to college together. Believe it or not, we were very close friends. Then after graduation, he got engaged to her. He asked me to be his best man and right about that time, I started banging her and mowing her box. She was actually the first person I felt comfortable enough around to let eat out my butt. Anyway, shortly thereafter, she left him for me. She was actually carrying his child at the time. I asked her to terminate it, obviously, so we could start fresh. And she agreed. We were so in love. And he took that from me.
Lt. Dixon Piper: That's really fucked up.
MacGruber: Thanks.
MacGruber: Okay, so once we take out the guards, Vicki will walk in dressed as Hoss, and then we'll just, you know, see what happens. You ready?
Lt. Dixon Piper: Wait. Wait, so we're just gonna wing it?
MacGruber: Piper, there's a big difference between winging it and seeing what happens. Now let's see what happens.
Lt. Dixon Piper: Wait. Wait, so we're just gonna wing it?
MacGruber: Piper, there's a big difference between winging it and seeing what happens. Now let's see what happens.
Lt. Dixon Piper: The Legendary MacGruber. Former Navy SEAL, Army Ranger and Green Beret. Served six tours in Desert Storm, four in Bosnia, three each in Angola, Somalia, Mozambique, Nicaragua and Sierra Leone. Recipient of sixteen Purple Hearts, three Congressional Medals of Honor, seven Presidential Medals of Bravery and starting tight end for the University of Texas, El Paso.
MacGruber: That was a long time ago.
MacGruber: That was a long time ago.
Dieter Von Cunth: You punch like a little girl.
MacGruber: Well, you're gonna walk around like a little girl. 'Cause after I disarm this nuke, I'm gonna cut off your dick and...
Dieter Von Cunth: Shove it in my mouth. You're like a broken record!
MacGruber: The only record I'm gonna break is the "amount of your own dick in your mouth" record.
MacGruber: Well, you're gonna walk around like a little girl. 'Cause after I disarm this nuke, I'm gonna cut off your dick and...
Dieter Von Cunth: Shove it in my mouth. You're like a broken record!
MacGruber: The only record I'm gonna break is the "amount of your own dick in your mouth" record.
MacGruber: Let me tell you how this is gonna go down. First I'm gonna kick you in the chin, breaking your jaw in four places. I'm gonna take you and karate flip you over my back, and then knee your nose into your brain, killing you instantly. I do wanna get a throat rip in here. I think that's gonna be you, small fry. One thing I do know, at the end of the day, Cunth, I'm gonna rip your dick off and shove it in your mouth. And that is non-negotiable. Who's first?
