Kicking & Screaming Quotes
Family man Phil Weston, a lifelong victim of his father's competitive nature, takes on the coaching duties of a kids' soccer team, and soon finds that he's also taking on his father's dysfunctional way of relating...
Phil Weston: You're my assistant. You're supposed to back me up and go get me juiceboxes whenever I want. Now go get me a juicebox!
Mike Ditka: DO YOU KNOW WHO YOU'RE TALKING TO?
Phil Weston: I'm talkin' to the juicebox guy!
Mike Ditka: You're crazy!
Phil Weston: I'm not crazy, I'm just thirsty!
Mike Ditka: OH, YOU GO TO HELL!
Phil Weston: No, you go to hell, and while you're there, why don't you grab me a juicebox!
Mike Ditka: DO YOU KNOW WHO YOU'RE TALKING TO?
Phil Weston: I'm talkin' to the juicebox guy!
Mike Ditka: You're crazy!
Phil Weston: I'm not crazy, I'm just thirsty!
Mike Ditka: OH, YOU GO TO HELL!
Phil Weston: No, you go to hell, and while you're there, why don't you grab me a juicebox!
[Referee's hairpiece falls off; Byong Sun picks it up and puts it on]
Byong Sun: Look at me! I'm the Ref! I'm the Ref!
Referee: [chasing him] You little... give it back!
Phil Weston: [grabs it off Byong Sun and gives back] Sorry about that.
Bald Soccer Dad: How much do you think one of those things costs?
Phil Weston: I have no idea.
Byong Sun: Look at me! I'm the Ref! I'm the Ref!
Referee: [chasing him] You little... give it back!
Phil Weston: [grabs it off Byong Sun and gives back] Sorry about that.
Bald Soccer Dad: How much do you think one of those things costs?
Phil Weston: I have no idea.
Mark Avery: Hi, I'm Mark Avery - you know, I like to keep my pimp hands strong
[waving hands, gesturing]
Mark Avery: You dig, Cracker? Ya feel me?
Phil Weston: What does that mean?
Mark Avery: I don't know, I heard it on a rap video once. But I'm really funny. I've got like a million jokes.
Phil Weston: Great, I'd love to hear one. Shoot.
Mark Avery: Remember the time when you caught and you fell over?
Phil Weston: Right, yeah...
Mark Avery: [all the kids laugh] Ha ha! I got ya good! I burned ya! I got ya, bad!
Phil Weston: How did I get burned? Okay, apparently I don't get it.
[waving hands, gesturing]
Mark Avery: You dig, Cracker? Ya feel me?
Phil Weston: What does that mean?
Mark Avery: I don't know, I heard it on a rap video once. But I'm really funny. I've got like a million jokes.
Phil Weston: Great, I'd love to hear one. Shoot.
Mark Avery: Remember the time when you caught and you fell over?
Phil Weston: Right, yeah...
Mark Avery: [all the kids laugh] Ha ha! I got ya good! I burned ya! I got ya, bad!
Phil Weston: How did I get burned? Okay, apparently I don't get it.
Phil Weston: Hi, I'm Phil Weston and this is my son, Sam. I'm new to coffee... I was wondering if you could mix half of the regular version with half of the decaffinated version?
Beantown Employees: [to coworker, annoyed] Half-caff...
Beantown Customers: Right, Half-caff.
Phil Weston: A Half-caff!
[to Sam]
Phil Weston: We're gonna have a Half-caff.
Sam Weston: [to customer] We're gonna have a Half-caff.
Beantown Customers: [annoyed] Yay.
Beantown Employees: Half-caff.
Phil Weston: Thanks.
[takes a sip, it's way too hot and he drops the coffee]
Phil Weston: Yowww! Mother of Pearl!
Beantown Employees: [more pissed now] You shoulda waited for the jacket.
Phil Weston: Right... I just got too eager. Uh...
Beantown Employees: [to coworker] 'nother Half-caff!
Beantown Customers: [more pissed] Right, 'nother Half-caff!
Beantown Employees: [to coworker, annoyed] Half-caff...
Beantown Customers: Right, Half-caff.
Phil Weston: A Half-caff!
[to Sam]
Phil Weston: We're gonna have a Half-caff.
Sam Weston: [to customer] We're gonna have a Half-caff.
Beantown Customers: [annoyed] Yay.
Beantown Employees: Half-caff.
Phil Weston: Thanks.
[takes a sip, it's way too hot and he drops the coffee]
Phil Weston: Yowww! Mother of Pearl!
Beantown Employees: [more pissed now] You shoulda waited for the jacket.
Phil Weston: Right... I just got too eager. Uh...
Beantown Employees: [to coworker] 'nother Half-caff!
Beantown Customers: [more pissed] Right, 'nother Half-caff!
Jim Davidson 'The Captain': [after the Tigers have arrived to the soccer field from the butcher shop and are covered in blood] You know, actually one of my kids forgot his socks so we forfeit; yeah, we forfeit!
Jim Davidson 'The Captain': [turns and starts sprinting to their cars] Run to the car, kids! don't look back! Run!
Jim Davidson 'The Captain': [turns and starts sprinting to their cars] Run to the car, kids! don't look back! Run!
Ann Hogan: Coach Ditka? Hi. Our son, Byong Sun, he's very shy, and we were wondering
[hands him a pad to autograph]
Mike Ditka: Sure, 'be happy to.
Ann Hogan: Thank you so much. It's Byong Sun
[spelling]
Ann Hogan: B-Y...
Mike Ditka: [autographing] I think I got it.
[hands it back to them]
Mike Ditka: Bye bye.
Mike Ditka: [to Phil, awkwardly] Just... a wonderful couple.
Ann Hogan: [looking at the autograph] What...
Donna Jones: "Bing Bong"?
[hands him a pad to autograph]
Mike Ditka: Sure, 'be happy to.
Ann Hogan: Thank you so much. It's Byong Sun
[spelling]
Ann Hogan: B-Y...
Mike Ditka: [autographing] I think I got it.
[hands it back to them]
Mike Ditka: Bye bye.
Mike Ditka: [to Phil, awkwardly] Just... a wonderful couple.
Ann Hogan: [looking at the autograph] What...
Donna Jones: "Bing Bong"?
Connor: Coach, did you order the pizzas yet?
Phil Weston: All in good time, Connor. But in the event the pizzas don't arrive, I have already made the decision... that we will eat Byong Sun.
[Byong Sun backs away from the campfire, freaked out]
Phil Weston: Okay, we're not gonna eat him. But he does look pretty appetizing, you have to admit.
Phil Weston: All in good time, Connor. But in the event the pizzas don't arrive, I have already made the decision... that we will eat Byong Sun.
[Byong Sun backs away from the campfire, freaked out]
Phil Weston: Okay, we're not gonna eat him. But he does look pretty appetizing, you have to admit.
Ann Hogan: We're at all the games, unlike a lot of the other parents.
Phil Weston: No no, not like the other parents at all! You're better than the other parents.
Ambrose's Dad: Oh, so they're better?
Phil Weston: No, they're different.
Donna Jones: What do you mean "different"?
Phil Weston: I mean, you're different because you're better.
Ambrose's Dad: How are they better?
Phil Weston: You're both better different... in a different but better way!
Ann Hogan: Uh, okay.
[she walks off with Donna]
Ambrose's Dad: It's a little early to start playing favorites, Phil.
Phil Weston: No no, not like the other parents at all! You're better than the other parents.
Ambrose's Dad: Oh, so they're better?
Phil Weston: No, they're different.
Donna Jones: What do you mean "different"?
Phil Weston: I mean, you're different because you're better.
Ambrose's Dad: How are they better?
Phil Weston: You're both better different... in a different but better way!
Ann Hogan: Uh, okay.
[she walks off with Donna]
Ambrose's Dad: It's a little early to start playing favorites, Phil.
Ann Hogan: Byong-Sun is very shy - this book really helped us to deal with it, so you're probably gonna want to give it a glance.
Phil Weston: [reading title] My Child is Shy. Thanks.
[pause]
Phil Weston: I'm sorry, who's your son?
Donna Jones: Byong-Sun.
Phil Weston: Oh, I see.
[pause]
Phil Weston: Actually, I don't see, I'm sorry.
[realizing they are lesbians]
Phil Weston: Oh wait, now I see! Wow!
Phil Weston: [reading title] My Child is Shy. Thanks.
[pause]
Phil Weston: I'm sorry, who's your son?
Donna Jones: Byong-Sun.
Phil Weston: Oh, I see.
[pause]
Phil Weston: Actually, I don't see, I'm sorry.
[realizing they are lesbians]
Phil Weston: Oh wait, now I see! Wow!
Phil Weston: [to Barbara] My dad, he's a coach. He knows the game, he's confident, he's smart, witty, dynamic, vicious, brutal, vindictive, a monster! And he will win by intimidation and forceful tactics if need be. I'm not like that. I don't know anyone like that. Do you?
[quick cut to Ditka house]
Mike Ditka: So Paul, what's on your mind?
Phil Weston: Actually, it's Phil.
Mike Ditka: It's not Paul?
Phil Weston: No.
Mike Ditka: What's the difference? Spit it out.
[lights a cigar]
Diana Ditka: Mike?
Mike Ditka: Here, hold this.
[gives cigar to Phil]
Diana Ditka: Oh no! We do not allow smoking in the house!
Phil Weston: I'm sorry, Mrs. Ditka.
Diana Ditka: You should be.
Mike Ditka: [Phil hands back cigar] I'll get rid of it, honey!
[quick cut to Ditka house]
Mike Ditka: So Paul, what's on your mind?
Phil Weston: Actually, it's Phil.
Mike Ditka: It's not Paul?
Phil Weston: No.
Mike Ditka: What's the difference? Spit it out.
[lights a cigar]
Diana Ditka: Mike?
Mike Ditka: Here, hold this.
[gives cigar to Phil]
Diana Ditka: Oh no! We do not allow smoking in the house!
Phil Weston: I'm sorry, Mrs. Ditka.
Diana Ditka: You should be.
Mike Ditka: [Phil hands back cigar] I'll get rid of it, honey!
Phil Weston: All right, Tigers. Lets get ready to play, huh? I don't want to see any laziness here. If we win this we're in the finals. If we get a big lead, we gotta pummel these guys, pummel them at all costs. Dominate, and hammer them. I want you to play dirty, if you have to, but don't get caught. Byong Sun, stay low. Ok. That's easy for you. Just chop-block 'em in the back of the knee. That will work well. Ambrose, you're big. Don't be afraid to throw the elbow. If you break someone's collar bone, that's a good thing, that's what the medic's for. Otherwise he's just sittin' around. All right! You hear me!
Byong Sun: [introducing himself] I'm Byong-Sun.
Phil Weston: Hi, Byong-Sun.
Byong Sun: I am a very kind person.
Phil Weston: Oh, that's sweet! Anything that relates to soccer?
Byong Sun: No sir.
Phil Weston: Well, maybe you and Ambrose can team up - he's big and you might form one megaperson.
[Ambrose gives him a dirty look]
Phil Weston: Okay, forget I just said that.
Phil Weston: Hi, Byong-Sun.
Byong Sun: I am a very kind person.
Phil Weston: Oh, that's sweet! Anything that relates to soccer?
Byong Sun: No sir.
Phil Weston: Well, maybe you and Ambrose can team up - he's big and you might form one megaperson.
[Ambrose gives him a dirty look]
Phil Weston: Okay, forget I just said that.
Phil Weston: Looks who's here! I'll give you a hint - Hall of Fame, Chicago Bears...
Mark Avery: Sammy Sosa?
Mike Ditka: C'mon!
Phil Weston: Football... coached the 1986...
Mike Ditka: '85.
Phil Weston: Right, '85 Bears to Superbowl victory... it's Mike Ditka!
Mark Avery: Do you know Sammy Sosa?
Mike Ditka: Hey, zip it, kid!
Mark Avery: Sammy Sosa?
Mike Ditka: C'mon!
Phil Weston: Football... coached the 1986...
Mike Ditka: '85.
Phil Weston: Right, '85 Bears to Superbowl victory... it's Mike Ditka!
Mark Avery: Do you know Sammy Sosa?
Mike Ditka: Hey, zip it, kid!
Phil Weston: So when i took over for Coach Benson...
Clark: [interrupting] I hear he's a woman now!
[laughter from the party guests]
Buck Weston: Yeah.
Phil Weston: Actually uh, truth be told, *no one* knows where he is right now. A lot of people are... concerned.
[more laughter]
Phil Weston: I don't know *why* that's funny.
[applause]
Clark: [interrupting] I hear he's a woman now!
[laughter from the party guests]
Buck Weston: Yeah.
Phil Weston: Actually uh, truth be told, *no one* knows where he is right now. A lot of people are... concerned.
[more laughter]
Phil Weston: I don't know *why* that's funny.
[applause]
Mike Ditka: [to the Tigers team] This is gonna be the hardest thing you've ever done in your whole lives. But when it's over...
Phil Weston: Don't get emotional...
Mike Ditka: When it's over...
Phil Weston: When it's over...
Mike Ditka: You guys are gonna be champions!
Phil Weston: Champions!
Mike Ditka: Now let's get out there and kick some butt!
Phil Weston: On three, 'let's have fun'.
The Tigers: [all chant] One, two, three, Let's have fun!
Mike Ditka: [to Phil, mocking] 'Let's have fun,' what's THAT?
Phil Weston: Don't get emotional...
Mike Ditka: When it's over...
Phil Weston: When it's over...
Mike Ditka: You guys are gonna be champions!
Phil Weston: Champions!
Mike Ditka: Now let's get out there and kick some butt!
Phil Weston: On three, 'let's have fun'.
The Tigers: [all chant] One, two, three, Let's have fun!
Mike Ditka: [to Phil, mocking] 'Let's have fun,' what's THAT?
Phil Weston: [passing out DVDs] These are instructional DVDs. Study them. Watch them. I only watched it once and already I learned this - it's called "Up and Over".
[he shows them this new kick, nearly wrecking the fireplace]
Phil Weston: [hears Barbara coming and passes the ball to Mark Avery] Here, hold this.
Barbara Weston: Guys, I told you, no playing soccer in the house.
Phil Weston: You did, you said it a lot.
Barbara Weston: Who did that?
Phil Weston: [pointing to Mark] He did.
The Tigers: HE DID!
Phil Weston: What? Nut'uh!
[the kids all descend upon him]
[he shows them this new kick, nearly wrecking the fireplace]
Phil Weston: [hears Barbara coming and passes the ball to Mark Avery] Here, hold this.
Barbara Weston: Guys, I told you, no playing soccer in the house.
Phil Weston: You did, you said it a lot.
Barbara Weston: Who did that?
Phil Weston: [pointing to Mark] He did.
The Tigers: HE DID!
Phil Weston: What? Nut'uh!
[the kids all descend upon him]
Sam Weston: Dad, you're getting a little creepy.
Phil Weston: I know, let's all bay at the moon.
Sam Weston: What?
Phil Weston: You know, howl at the moon... like this. Owwwwooooo... owooo... ow, ow, ow, ow, owwwoooo!
Neighbor: Shut up out there!
Phil Weston: You shut up in THERE!
[continues howling, and all the kids join in; momentarily, a pack of snarling dogs charge into the yard]
Phil Weston: I know, let's all bay at the moon.
Sam Weston: What?
Phil Weston: You know, howl at the moon... like this. Owwwwooooo... owooo... ow, ow, ow, ow, owwwoooo!
Neighbor: Shut up out there!
Phil Weston: You shut up in THERE!
[continues howling, and all the kids join in; momentarily, a pack of snarling dogs charge into the yard]
The Tigers: [winning team, shouting] Two, four, six, eight! Who do we appreciate?
Mike Ditka: Shut up, ya little rats!
Phil Weston: They're just showing their appreciation.
Mike Ditka: I don't care about appreciation, I just want to win a soccer game.
[throws down his clipboard and walks off]
Phil Weston: [picks it up] Can I have this?
Phil Weston: Sure.
Phil Weston: Alllllright!
Mike Ditka: Shut up, ya little rats!
Phil Weston: They're just showing their appreciation.
Mike Ditka: I don't care about appreciation, I just want to win a soccer game.
[throws down his clipboard and walks off]
Phil Weston: [picks it up] Can I have this?
Phil Weston: Sure.
Phil Weston: Alllllright!
