Kick-Ass Quotes
Dave Lizewski is an unnoticed high school student and comic book fan who one day decides to become a super-hero, even though he has no powers, training or meaningful reason to do so.
Damon Macready: So... Have you thought a little more about what you might want for your birthday?
Mindy Macready: Can I get a puppy?
Damon Macready: [surprised] You wanna get a dog?
Mindy Macready: Yeah, a cuddly fluffy one, and a Bratz movie-star make over Sasha!
[Damon is stunned]
Mindy Macready: [laughs] I'm just fucking with you Daddy! Look, I'd love a Benchmade model 42 butterfly knife.
Damon Macready: [relieved] Oh, child... You always knock me for a loop!
Mindy Macready: Can I get a puppy?
Damon Macready: [surprised] You wanna get a dog?
Mindy Macready: Yeah, a cuddly fluffy one, and a Bratz movie-star make over Sasha!
[Damon is stunned]
Mindy Macready: [laughs] I'm just fucking with you Daddy! Look, I'd love a Benchmade model 42 butterfly knife.
Damon Macready: [relieved] Oh, child... You always knock me for a loop!
[first lines]
Dave Lizewski: I always wondered why nobody did it before me. I mean, all those comic books, movies, TV shows. You think that one eccentric loner would've made himself a costume. I mean, is everyday life really so exciting? Are schools and offices so thrilling that I'm the only one who fantasized about this? Come on, be honest with yourself. At some point in our lives we all wanna be a superhero.
Dave Lizewski: That's not me,by the way. That's some Armenia guy with a history of mental health problems.
Dave Lizewski: I always wondered why nobody did it before me. I mean, all those comic books, movies, TV shows. You think that one eccentric loner would've made himself a costume. I mean, is everyday life really so exciting? Are schools and offices so thrilling that I'm the only one who fantasized about this? Come on, be honest with yourself. At some point in our lives we all wanna be a superhero.
Dave Lizewski: That's not me,by the way. That's some Armenia guy with a history of mental health problems.
Mindy Macready: Daddy? I'm scared.
Damon Macready: Come on, Mindy, honey? Be a big girl now. There's nothing to be afraid of.
Mindy Macready: Is it gonna hurt bad?
Damon Macready: Aww, child. Only for a second, sugar.
Damon Macready: [testing her] A handgun bullet travels at? More than?
Mindy Macready: [rolls eyes] 700 miles an hour.
Damon Macready: 700 miles an hour. So at close range like this, the force is gonna take you off your feet for sure, but it's really no more painful than a punch in the chest.
Mindy Macready: [mumbles to herself] I hate getting punched in the chest.
Damon Macready: [cocks gun] You're gonna be fine, baby doll!
[he aims and fires, hitting her squarely in the chest. She goes flying off her feet, landing on her back]
Damon Macready: [walking up to her as she pulls the bullet out of her bullet-proof vest hidden underneath her jacket] How was that? Not so bad. Kinda fun, huh? Now you know how it feels. You won't be scared when some junkie asshole pulls a glock.
Mindy Macready: [smiling] I wouldn't have been scared anyways!
Damon Macready: That's my girl.
[helping her up]
Damon Macready: Alright, up you get. Two more rounds and then home.
Mindy Macready: Again?
Damon Macready: Uh-huh.
Mindy Macready: Look, only if we can go by the bowling alley on the way back.
Damon Macready: The bowling alley?
Mindy Macready: Yeah, and ice cream after!
Damon Macready: [thinking about it for a second] Huh... okay. Two more rounds. No wincing... No whining! And you got yourself a deal, young lady.
Mindy Macready: Yeah! I'm gonna get a hot fudge sundae!
Damon Macready: Good call, baby doll!
[shoots her again]
Damon Macready: Come on, Mindy, honey? Be a big girl now. There's nothing to be afraid of.
Mindy Macready: Is it gonna hurt bad?
Damon Macready: Aww, child. Only for a second, sugar.
Damon Macready: [testing her] A handgun bullet travels at? More than?
Mindy Macready: [rolls eyes] 700 miles an hour.
Damon Macready: 700 miles an hour. So at close range like this, the force is gonna take you off your feet for sure, but it's really no more painful than a punch in the chest.
Mindy Macready: [mumbles to herself] I hate getting punched in the chest.
Damon Macready: [cocks gun] You're gonna be fine, baby doll!
[he aims and fires, hitting her squarely in the chest. She goes flying off her feet, landing on her back]
Damon Macready: [walking up to her as she pulls the bullet out of her bullet-proof vest hidden underneath her jacket] How was that? Not so bad. Kinda fun, huh? Now you know how it feels. You won't be scared when some junkie asshole pulls a glock.
Mindy Macready: [smiling] I wouldn't have been scared anyways!
Damon Macready: That's my girl.
[helping her up]
Damon Macready: Alright, up you get. Two more rounds and then home.
Mindy Macready: Again?
Damon Macready: Uh-huh.
Mindy Macready: Look, only if we can go by the bowling alley on the way back.
Damon Macready: The bowling alley?
Mindy Macready: Yeah, and ice cream after!
Damon Macready: [thinking about it for a second] Huh... okay. Two more rounds. No wincing... No whining! And you got yourself a deal, young lady.
Mindy Macready: Yeah! I'm gonna get a hot fudge sundae!
Damon Macready: Good call, baby doll!
[shoots her again]
Dave Lizewski: That's not me, by the way. That's some Armenian dude with a history of mental health problems. Who am I? I'm kick ass!
[six months earlier]
Dave Lizewski: That's me. Back before any of this crazy shit happened. I guess I'm the last person you'd expect to become a superhero. I'm not saying there was anything wrong with me, but there was nothing special, either. I wasn't into sports, I wasn't a mathlete or a hardcore gamer. I didn't have a piercing, or an eating disorder, or 3000 friends on MySpace. My only superpower was being invisible to girls. And out of my friends, man, I wasn't even the funny one. Like most people my age, I just existed.
[six months earlier]
Dave Lizewski: That's me. Back before any of this crazy shit happened. I guess I'm the last person you'd expect to become a superhero. I'm not saying there was anything wrong with me, but there was nothing special, either. I wasn't into sports, I wasn't a mathlete or a hardcore gamer. I didn't have a piercing, or an eating disorder, or 3000 friends on MySpace. My only superpower was being invisible to girls. And out of my friends, man, I wasn't even the funny one. Like most people my age, I just existed.
[last lines]
Dave Lizewski: [voiceover] Kick-Ass was gone but not forgotten. And my world was a lot safer with the new generation of superheroes. They said I was their inspiration. But all I did was open a door to a world I'd dreamed about since I was a little kid.
[cut to Chris/Red Mist in his father's office]
Chris D'Amico: A world full of superheroes, eh?
[Chris turns around, showing his revamped Red Mist costume, and dons a new, decidedly more 'supervillain' mask]
Chris D'Amico: As a great man once said... wait 'til they get a load of me.
Dave Lizewski: [voiceover] Kick-Ass was gone but not forgotten. And my world was a lot safer with the new generation of superheroes. They said I was their inspiration. But all I did was open a door to a world I'd dreamed about since I was a little kid.
[cut to Chris/Red Mist in his father's office]
Chris D'Amico: A world full of superheroes, eh?
[Chris turns around, showing his revamped Red Mist costume, and dons a new, decidedly more 'supervillain' mask]
Chris D'Amico: As a great man once said... wait 'til they get a load of me.
Big Daddy: Good job. I'm so proud of you, baby doll. Are you okay?
Hit Girl: Mhmm... but getting shot, Daddy... it hurt a lot more than when you did it.
Big Daddy: That's because I used low velocity rounds, child... he... he...
Hit Girl: You're the kindest Daddy in the whole world.
Big Daddy: No, I just... I love you...
Hit Girl: I love you, too, Daddy... I love you, too, Daddy. Sleep tight.
Hit Girl: Mhmm... but getting shot, Daddy... it hurt a lot more than when you did it.
Big Daddy: That's because I used low velocity rounds, child... he... he...
Hit Girl: You're the kindest Daddy in the whole world.
Big Daddy: No, I just... I love you...
Hit Girl: I love you, too, Daddy... I love you, too, Daddy. Sleep tight.
Todd: What do you think, Katie?
Katie Deauxma: I don't know. But I think Kick-Ass is cuter.
Dave Lizewski: You do?
Katie Deauxma: Oh yeah. I'd totally fuck his brains out if I got the chance.
Dave Lizewski: Really? You would?
Katie Deauxma: Definitely.
Dave Lizewski: Well, you interested in checking out that new Kate Hudson movie where she's like a shoe designer? I think we can make the next showing...
Katie Deauxma: Totally.
Katie Deauxma: I don't know. But I think Kick-Ass is cuter.
Dave Lizewski: You do?
Katie Deauxma: Oh yeah. I'd totally fuck his brains out if I got the chance.
Dave Lizewski: Really? You would?
Katie Deauxma: Definitely.
Dave Lizewski: Well, you interested in checking out that new Kate Hudson movie where she's like a shoe designer? I think we can make the next showing...
Katie Deauxma: Totally.
Dave Lizewski: Jesus, guys, doesn't it bug you? Like thousand of people wanna be Paris Hilton and nobody wants to be Spiderman.
Marty: Yeah, what's with that? She has like no tits at all.
Todd: Maybe it's the porn tape, he doesn't have a porn tape.
Marty: You guys never saw "One Night In Spiderman"?
Marty: Yeah, what's with that? She has like no tits at all.
Todd: Maybe it's the porn tape, he doesn't have a porn tape.
Marty: You guys never saw "One Night In Spiderman"?
Dave Lizewski: Even with my metal plates and my fucked up nerve endings, I gotta tell you, that hurt! But not half as much as the idea of leaving everything behind. Katie, my dad, Todd and Marty... and all the things I'd never do. Like learn to drive or see what me and Katie's kids would look like or find out what happened on "Lost". And if you're reassuring yourself that I'm going to make it through this since I'm talking to you now, quit being such a smart-ass! Hell dude, you never seen "Sin City"? "Sunset Boulevard"? "American Beauty"?
Hit Girl: [after Hit-Girl and Kick-Ass have landed on the roof of Mindy's building with the jet-pack] Thanks, Kick-Ass. My daddy... He would have been proud of *both* of us.
Dave Lizewski: [removes his mask] Dave...
[extends his hand]
Dave Lizewski: ... Dave Lizewski.
Hit Girl: [smiles] I know that, dumbass.
[chuckles, then removes her own wig and mask]
Hit Girl: Mindy... Mindy Macready.
[She extends her own hand and they shake as both a formal introduction and recognition of their new partnership]
Dave Lizewski: [removes his mask] Dave...
[extends his hand]
Dave Lizewski: ... Dave Lizewski.
Hit Girl: [smiles] I know that, dumbass.
[chuckles, then removes her own wig and mask]
Hit Girl: Mindy... Mindy Macready.
[She extends her own hand and they shake as both a formal introduction and recognition of their new partnership]
[Chris hands his father a list]
Frank D'Amico: What's this?
Chris D'Amico: That's everything I need. And you may have to screw someone over. Like Louie...
Big Joe: Louie? Whoa, Chris.
Chris D'Amico: Or somebody, it doesn't have to be Louie.
Big Joe: Tony.
Chris D'Amico: Tony!
Frank D'Amico: Tony?
Chris D'Amico: I've always hated Tony.
Big Joe: Yeah, fuck Tony. He's a scumbag.
Frank D'Amico: Tony.
[hands the paper back]
Frank D'Amico: What's this?
Chris D'Amico: That's everything I need. And you may have to screw someone over. Like Louie...
Big Joe: Louie? Whoa, Chris.
Chris D'Amico: Or somebody, it doesn't have to be Louie.
Big Joe: Tony.
Chris D'Amico: Tony!
Frank D'Amico: Tony?
Chris D'Amico: I've always hated Tony.
Big Joe: Yeah, fuck Tony. He's a scumbag.
Frank D'Amico: Tony.
[hands the paper back]
Damon Macready: [Damon is studying security videos and blueprints for Frank D'Amico's building] We've gotta get *over* it, on *top* of it, and then *into* it! Right in the middle of it!
Mindy Macready: [looks up from the computer screen she's been studying] Daddy, I think I found one. It's perfect, and they can deliver it in three days.
[slightly deflated as she looks at the price]
Mindy Macready: Ah... It's three hundred thousand bucks.
Damon Macready: [walks around the desk to examine her discovery on the the computer screen] Can you think of anything else you'd rather spend it on?
[sees what's on the screen]
Damon Macready: Oooohhhhhhhh, my gosh! That is *cool*!
Mindy Macready: [smiling] Yeah!
Damon Macready: Add to shopping cart.
Mindy Macready: Okay.
Mindy Macready: [looks up from the computer screen she's been studying] Daddy, I think I found one. It's perfect, and they can deliver it in three days.
[slightly deflated as she looks at the price]
Mindy Macready: Ah... It's three hundred thousand bucks.
Damon Macready: [walks around the desk to examine her discovery on the the computer screen] Can you think of anything else you'd rather spend it on?
[sees what's on the screen]
Damon Macready: Oooohhhhhhhh, my gosh! That is *cool*!
Mindy Macready: [smiling] Yeah!
Damon Macready: Add to shopping cart.
Mindy Macready: Okay.
[Dave sees Hit-Girl studying security cam footage]
Dave Lizewski: Is that Frank D'Amico's place? All that security? What are you, crazy?
Hit Girl: My mom already died for nothing. So I'm sure as hell not gonna let my dad die for nothing too.
Dave Lizewski: You can't do this on your own.
Hit Girl: Exactly. You wanna deal with owing my dad? Then shut the hell up, and pick your weapon.
Dave Lizewski: Is that Frank D'Amico's place? All that security? What are you, crazy?
Hit Girl: My mom already died for nothing. So I'm sure as hell not gonna let my dad die for nothing too.
Dave Lizewski: You can't do this on your own.
Hit Girl: Exactly. You wanna deal with owing my dad? Then shut the hell up, and pick your weapon.
[Stu barges into Frank's office and Frank almost shoots him]
Huge Goon: Whoa! It's only me boss. Everything's under control.
[slowly creeps over to the bazooka while Frank & Chris stare at him]
Chris D'Amico: Under control? You're grabbing a fucking bazooka, you dumbass!
Huge Goon: [looks at Frank] Sir?
Frank D'Amico: Do it.
Huge Goon: Whoa! It's only me boss. Everything's under control.
[slowly creeps over to the bazooka while Frank & Chris stare at him]
Chris D'Amico: Under control? You're grabbing a fucking bazooka, you dumbass!
Huge Goon: [looks at Frank] Sir?
Frank D'Amico: Do it.
