Joey

Joey Quotes

In this spin-off of "Friends", Joey Tribbiani moves to Los Angeles to pursue his acting career.

[Repeated line]
Joey: How you doin'?
Joey: I did the soap thing, but I can be serious. "Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?" That's Romeo.
Alex: Actually, that's Juliet.
Joey: Huh?
Alex: Well, Romeo doesn't start a speech "Romeo, Romeo..."
Joey: I did that on like a million auditions!
Gina: I thought you and Chandler should have moved out a long time ago. It's a very vibrant gay scene.
Joey: Chandler and I are not a gay couple!
Gina: That's the good thing about having a kid so young.
Joey: Yeah. You rarely hear the argument for teen pregnancy.
Gina: Oh my gosh, you're not going to believe this. The director over there actually thought I was an actress!
Joey: That's because you've got big fake boobs and you're crazy.
Alex: When my mother was my age, she had three kids. All I have is a husband who's away all the time. Last week, a squirrel snuck into our apartment and I thought it was Eric coming home to surprise me. I put on lingerie for a squirrel!
Joey: I was the star of a show! And now I'm the guy who turned down "Nurses." Which is strange, because in real life, I would never turn down a nurse!
Michael: Did you know that the laws of physics suggest that the curve ball is actually impossible?
Joey: Why do you have to ruin stuff like that? Huh? The curve ball is impossible. Don't eat that, it's solid mold. That's not a dog, it's a possum. Stop letting it lick your face. Why?
Michael: I'm 20 years old, you know? I'm too old to be living with my mom. All the kids at school make fun of me. And it's not like they're the cool kids. They're not quarterbacks. They're engineers.
Joey: [after hearing what Michael has been up to in grad school; laughing] What are you, a rocket scientist?
Michael: ...Yes.
Joey: They canceled my show! People thought it was disgusting. Jeez, you defecate on one corpse...
Joey: [joey is late for the tonight show because he is stuck in a traffic game] Alright, I'm gonna have to run for it. How far away are we?
Michael: Nine miles.
Joey: Okay, nine miles in fourty-five minutes. Can I do that?
Michael: Are you a Kenyan man with a number on your back?
Joey: I don't know what that means. Alright, I'm gonna give it a shot.
[joey starts running, after a second he retruns]
Joey: Aggrevated an old injury...
Michael: Football?
Joey: No, no. Threesome.
Joey: Hey, hey Alex. That guy looks familiar, but I can't place him. Usually when I have that feeling it's someone I slept with, but I don't think it's that
Gina: You have very beautiful hair.
Alex: Oh, well thank you!
Gina: [handing Alex her card] If you're ever thinking about selling it, you give me a call.
Joey: Stop taking over my room. I have private stuff in there.
Gina: Well, if you're worried about your diary, this is what it's like:
[sarcastically]
Gina: " Dear diary, Gina's mean to me!"
Joey: Thats going straight in the book.
Joey: Hey! I really like that girl! Don't be trying to buy her hair!
Gina: Everything I do, I do for my son.
Joey: Oh,
[pointing to her implants]
Joey: so, you got those for Michael?
Joey: It all started when I got this new agent. This woman is a shark and that means she's a really good agent - not an actual shark.
Gina: I knew that.
Joey: Uh, yeah. So did I.
Michael: You know what it's like to have someone who's like you, but just a little bit better?
Joey: Yeah. Johnny Depp.
Gina: [Joey's teaching Michael how to meet women] That should be easy: "How you doin'?" "How you doin'?" "How you doin'?"
Joey: Hey, it worked on all your friends.
Bobbie: I know how to deal with crazy actors. You just smile and tell them what they wanna hear.
Joey: So can you help me?
Bobbie: [smiles a large fake smile] Absolutely!
Joey: So, tell me a little bit about yourself.
Glen: Well, I moved out here a few years ago and I started doing this, and I've been doing it ever since.
Joey: Oh, where are y'a from?
Glen: Minnesota.
Joey: Wow, your English is great!
Joey: How do you say "How y'doin?" in Spanish?
Alex: Yo tengo herpes.
Joey: Michael, you have to seize this moment. The love between two nerds is a rare and fragile thing.
Michael: I want to. I can't go against the rules without a motion being passed.
Joey: So, I'll make a motion.
Michael: You're not a member. There's an approval process.
Joey: Well, I motion you suspend it on account of me being the sole payer of rent for the book club's headquarters.
Michael: I second the motion. The motion is passed
Joey: I motion for a presidential exemption to the no-dating rule.
Michael: I second the motion. The motion is passed.
Joey: I motion that you and me eat that entire ice cream cake right now.
Michael: Motion denied.
Joey: Mr. Chairman, you're out of order!
Joey: I just wish I had a regular place where I could go and meet women.
Michael: You could go to bars.
Joey: Nah, I'm getting too old for that. Plus I'm not great at telling whether or not they're gay bars before I go in. Oh by the way, if Ramon calls, I am not here.
[Joey is watching a report on a show he turned down]
Nancy: Well, wherever he is, I'm sure Joey Tribaney is kicking himself.
Joey: Tribbiani! Joey Tribbiani is kicking himself!
Gina: Heimlich? Nice name.
Joey: I'm sorry. Did I pick a weird name for the robot baby I had with my sister?
Bobbie: And if I knew you were coming I wouldn't have brought Data.
Howard: If I had functioning tear ducts I'd be crying right now.
Bobbie: Ooh there's the fiery Latin heartthrob I took a chance on.
Joey: I'm not Latin, I'm Italian.
Bobbie: Italian? Oh no! Italians are out this year. It may be time for you to call in your boy band connections.
Joey: I wasn't in a boy band.
Bobbie: I can't catch a break!
Bobbie: There is nothing that I wouldn't do for you! I'd throw on a meat skirt and wrestle a lion! I'd pull off my own ears and eat them!
Bobbie: Oh you're tiny too. Maybe I can hold you up and you can talk to each other.
Zach: [about Joey] Man, when you stop thinking, you stop thinking.
Joey: Do you find me threatening?
Michael: [frightened] Not until this very minute!
Bobbie: Oh, Joey I've got great news.
Joey: Did I get that commerical?
Bobbie: No, I bought a horse!
Gina: So, whoever you pick is the real winner?
Joey: Yes!
Gina: And I can rub it in Alex's face?
Alex: Yeah, but you won't get to 'cos it ain't gonna go down like that, biatch!
Joey: I'm gay for David Cassidy!
Kevin Smith: Take off your shirts and start making out with each other!
Gina: I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade.
Joey: Did you know that the girl next door was married?
Michael: I can't talk to that girl. Sssshhhe makes my stutter come back.
Michael: ... I know a great line to get out of that.
Joey: [Joey looks closely at Michael] Last night you became a man. Just a minute ago, you became a Tribbiani.
Joey: Oh my God. To find a number I thought I'd lost forever, it's like the ending of a great romantic movie.
[unfolds the paper to read it]
Joey: Oh, her? No.
Bobbie: I could slap a diaper on you and nurse ya right now.
Bobbie: I just tasered myself again. I think on some level, I may be doing it on purpose.
Alex: Some kid dropped his army man in the hot tub.
Joey: CAPTAIN DROPKICK!
Joey: [On phone] Hey, Bobbie, listen. I got myself into a situation. It's bad.
Bobbie: Okay, here's the game plan. Flush the drugs, throw the gun in the river, we'll tell everyone it was exhaustion.
Bobbie: [laughing] Oh, Joey. Laughter really is the best medicine, and that story just cleared up my hepatitis. Look, a bad article from this woman could really hurt your career. They go to press in two days, so until then, just give her anything she wants.
Bobbie: The super agent. Entertainment Weekly's 12th most powerful woman in Hollywood.
[looks at Lauren and laughs]
Bobbie: 67!
[turns back towards Katie's door]
Bobbie: Now Katie, I know you don't want to talk to Joey, but if you can just give me a minute, maybe I can help you out here.
Gina: I'm curious as to what was so important, that it couldn't wait until the end of "Jag".
Michael: Mom, sit down we have something important to tell you.
Gina: Oh my God, "Jag" got cancelled!
Joey: I'm gonna be on the Tonight Show? Oh my God! This is unbelievable. This is like one of those moments I've dreamed of my whole life. The only thing bigger than this would be like, I don't know, making my Oscar speech.
Bobbie: [laughs] Oscar? Did you get tasered too?
Bobbie: I'd like to keep that little piece of chicken in my pocket and snack on him all day.
Michael: What is the best news I could give you?
Joey: They fixed the vending machine? Ooo, we got a ping pong table? Oh wait, Kool and the Gang got back together?
Alex: Well, which is it? Because at 33, you're still happy being a sexy single woman. At 34, you've got a wedding dress in your trunk just in case.
Joey: I can't believe it! I've over understudied!
Bobbie: Oh good, its you. I have great news. I just got you the cover of "Bride" magazine.
Joey: Why'd you do that?
Bobbie: Is this not Torri Spelling?
Joey: No, its Joey.
Bobbie: Oh good, its you.
Alex: I mean, would you look at all these suckers out celebrating this Hallmark holiday? My husband and I don't need this kind of thing. Though, a card would've been nice. Or a phone call. Or an e-mail, perhaps. But we spoke on Tuesday. He asked me to gather up his receipts. Tax time's coming!
Bobbie: Did I not tell you? I'm a little off. I was at the gate looking through my purse for my wallet, and I accidentally tasered myself.
Lauren: Oh, God, I thought the bear got out.
Bobbie: And I thought I dropped an earring.
Bobbie: That's right. My client Katie demands that you fire Joey!
[Walks over to Joey]
Bobbie: If you fire my client Joey, I'll destroy you!
Lauren: Isn't this a conflict of interest?
Bobbie: Oh, no! They'll send me to agent jail!
Michael: How does my swing look?
Joey: Like you're good at science.
Joey: I am not a sex blob!
Joey: Welcome to Hollywood Minute. I am name.
Gina: [answering the phone] Gina Tribbiani, hairdresser to the stars.
Joey: Really?
Gina: It's better than saying, "Hairdresser to mostly Dominicans."
Joey: We could walk around here naked!
Michael: Yeah! But let's NOT.
Joey: I know I don't tell you this often, but it's really nice to have someone here I can share my feelings with, it means a lot to me.
Gina: You can't tell Sara that you love her, but this vagina-monologue just pours out of you.
Bobbie: Well, it's a sexy new nighttime drama set in a mountain resort. It's called Deep Powder. It's Baywatch on skis, and it's the dumbest script I ever read. It's gonna be huge!
Joey: Captain Fabuloso's Cave of Hair!
Bobbie: Ah, Joey, he's just shoving crap up your pooper.

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