I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry Quotes
Two straight, single Brooklyn firefighters pretend to be a gay couple in order to receive domestic partner benefits.
Larry Valentine: You know what, I cannot deal with sleeping next to your stupid ugly face tonight, so don't bother coming in the bedroom.
Chuck Levine: Oh, wouldn't dream of it, honey!
Larry Valentine: You are a lousy best friend, and a shitty husband!
Chuck Levine: Hey! For the record, every time I laughed at one of your jokes, I was faking it.
Larry Valentine: You're a monster!
Chuck Levine: Oh, wouldn't dream of it, honey!
Larry Valentine: You are a lousy best friend, and a shitty husband!
Chuck Levine: Hey! For the record, every time I laughed at one of your jokes, I was faking it.
Larry Valentine: You're a monster!
Phone Operator: What is your name?
Larry Valentine: Larry Valentine
Phone Operator: I didn't quite hear that.
Larry Valentine: Larry Valentine
Phone Operator: You said, "Barry Schmalintine"
Larry Valentine: Schmalintine
Phone Operator: You said "Schmalintine"
Larry Valentine: I was enunciating!
Phone Operator: You said, "I was enunciating!"
Larry Valentine: Wheeew.
Phone Operator: You said, *"Wheeew!"*
Larry Valentine: Larry Valentine
Phone Operator: I didn't quite hear that.
Larry Valentine: Larry Valentine
Phone Operator: You said, "Barry Schmalintine"
Larry Valentine: Schmalintine
Phone Operator: You said "Schmalintine"
Larry Valentine: I was enunciating!
Phone Operator: You said, "I was enunciating!"
Larry Valentine: Wheeew.
Phone Operator: You said, *"Wheeew!"*
Captain Phineas J. Tucker: And most importantly, they showed us that no matter whom we choose to love, be they heterosexual, homosexual, asexual, bisexual, trisexual, quadrisexual, pansexual, transexual, omnisexual or that thing where the chick ties the belt around your neck and tinkles on a ballon, it has absolutely nothing to do with who we are as people.
Larry Valentine: [while Chuck and Larry are being interviewed separately] The worst day we ever had on the job?
Chuck Levine: This little kid fell in a swimming pool...
Larry Valentine: Chuck was the first one there...
Chuck Levine: I dove in...
Larry Valentine: He pulled him out...
Chuck Levine: I worked on him...
Larry Valentine: worked on him, worked on him, but...
Chuck Levine: Larry stayed with me all that night. I just couldn't get... couldn't get that kid outta my head.
Larry Valentine: When my wife died.
Chuck Levine: Ah, that was the worst.
Larry Valentine: I collapsed.
Chuck Levine: He knew it was coming but...
Larry Valentine: What we have is beyond friendship.
Chuck Levine: He's the best man I know.
Larry Valentine: I'd do anything for him.
Chuck Levine: I love him.
Larry Valentine: I love him.
Chuck Levine: This little kid fell in a swimming pool...
Larry Valentine: Chuck was the first one there...
Chuck Levine: I dove in...
Larry Valentine: He pulled him out...
Chuck Levine: I worked on him...
Larry Valentine: worked on him, worked on him, but...
Chuck Levine: Larry stayed with me all that night. I just couldn't get... couldn't get that kid outta my head.
Larry Valentine: When my wife died.
Chuck Levine: Ah, that was the worst.
Larry Valentine: I collapsed.
Chuck Levine: He knew it was coming but...
Larry Valentine: What we have is beyond friendship.
Chuck Levine: He's the best man I know.
Larry Valentine: I'd do anything for him.
Chuck Levine: I love him.
Larry Valentine: I love him.
Larry Valentine: Chuck. What's going on, man?
Chuck Levine: Brace yourself, Larry. What I'm gonna tell you is pretty rough. They removed your entire body. You're nothing but a head now.
Larry Valentine: What?
Chuck Levine: They said that there was enough fat in your head to rebuild you a new body, so they got scientists in the other room working on it. God willing, you're gonna be alright.
Larry Valentine: Oh, you know, you're such a dick.
Chuck Levine: Brace yourself, Larry. What I'm gonna tell you is pretty rough. They removed your entire body. You're nothing but a head now.
Larry Valentine: What?
Chuck Levine: They said that there was enough fat in your head to rebuild you a new body, so they got scientists in the other room working on it. God willing, you're gonna be alright.
Larry Valentine: Oh, you know, you're such a dick.
Larry Valentine: [Enters the firefighters' common room, holding the petition that they had all signed asking the captain to transfer out Chuck and Larry. He addresses the fourteen firefighters in the room] Hey, fellas! Hey, heard you guys have been circulating a petition. You mind if I take a look at it? Oh, what do you now, I got it right here. It's impressive, a lot of names! Let's go down the list, see who we got here. Nootzie! Hey, remember that time Chuck and I ran back into that textile plant and dragged your limp body out? Even though Chuck's leg was broken like in three different places. Man, that was pretty freaking gay of Chuck, huh? Wow! Renaldo! Man, I remember your first day on the job. Remember you were so scared you actually crapped yourself? And Chuck and I, we snuck you back in here, we cleaned you up so nobody'd find out. You begged us not tell anyone. And did we? Let's ask. You guys hear that story before right now? Show of hands?
Fred G. Duncan: [laughing while eating a big bowl of potato chips] No, but it's hilarious.
Larry Valentine: Yeah, it is hilarious. Tony! Nice signature. Hey, is that the same one you used to endorse the check that Chuck gave you when you gambled away your mortgage payment on college football? I guess his money wasn't too gay to bail you out or keep your wife from leaving you again.
Fred G. Duncan: [laughing] Again!
Larry Valentine: I guess Chuck's not a enough of a man to work next to work next to big *strong* heroes like you guys.
[Fire station bell starts ringing]
Larry Valentine: Oh look at that, a fire, well I hope it's not a bad one - because the *faggot* who's been saving your sorry asses is now, thanks to you, working on another shift. Let's go.
[Slides down the firepole]
Fred G. Duncan: [laughing while eating a big bowl of potato chips] No, but it's hilarious.
Larry Valentine: Yeah, it is hilarious. Tony! Nice signature. Hey, is that the same one you used to endorse the check that Chuck gave you when you gambled away your mortgage payment on college football? I guess his money wasn't too gay to bail you out or keep your wife from leaving you again.
Fred G. Duncan: [laughing] Again!
Larry Valentine: I guess Chuck's not a enough of a man to work next to work next to big *strong* heroes like you guys.
[Fire station bell starts ringing]
Larry Valentine: Oh look at that, a fire, well I hope it's not a bad one - because the *faggot* who's been saving your sorry asses is now, thanks to you, working on another shift. Let's go.
[Slides down the firepole]
[furious Alex shows Chuck and Larry the newspaper headline "I slept with Mr. February"]
Alex McDonough: [to Chuck] Look at this: sixteen depositions from women who claim to have slept with you over the last year and a half!
Larry Valentine: [sarcastically] Just sixteen? Thank God the five hundred other ones couldn't read or write.
Alex McDonough: [to Chuck] Look at this: sixteen depositions from women who claim to have slept with you over the last year and a half!
Larry Valentine: [sarcastically] Just sixteen? Thank God the five hundred other ones couldn't read or write.
Larry Valentine: Look, this is the only way I can keep doing what I do and make sure my kids are protected.
Chuck Levine: Larry, look at us, we're not gay! But if we were gay, don't you think I'd be with someone a little hotter-looking than you? I'm Mr February, for God's sake. It would be like the Prom King fooling around with a tuba player.
Larry Valentine: Oh great, I play tuba.
Chuck Levine: Larry, I love you, but I'm not in love with you, if that makes any sense. I still want to be friends.
Chuck Levine: Larry, look at us, we're not gay! But if we were gay, don't you think I'd be with someone a little hotter-looking than you? I'm Mr February, for God's sake. It would be like the Prom King fooling around with a tuba player.
Larry Valentine: Oh great, I play tuba.
Chuck Levine: Larry, I love you, but I'm not in love with you, if that makes any sense. I still want to be friends.
