Hudson Hawk Quotes
A cat burglar is forced to steal Da Vinci works of art for a world domination plot.
Anna: [drugged] I'm not a very good damsel in a dress, am I?
[manly voice]
Anna: Pay the rent!
[girly voice]
Anna: But I can't pay the rent!
[makes more dolphin noises]
Darwin Mayflower: Yo, Flipper! "Damsel in distress" implies that there is some well-hung Dudley Do-Right galloping up to save you. It ain't gonna happen, see? Hudson Hawk go boom-boom.
[manly voice]
Anna: Pay the rent!
[girly voice]
Anna: But I can't pay the rent!
[makes more dolphin noises]
Darwin Mayflower: Yo, Flipper! "Damsel in distress" implies that there is some well-hung Dudley Do-Right galloping up to save you. It ain't gonna happen, see? Hudson Hawk go boom-boom.
[Tommy Five-Tone is miraculously alive at the end of the film]
Hudson Hawk: You're supposed to be all cracked up at the bottom of the hill!
Tommy Five-Tone: Airbags! Can you fucking believe it?
Anna: You're supposed to be blown up into fiery chunks of flesh!
Tommy Five-Tone: Sprinkler system set up in the back! Can you *fucking* believe it?
Hudson Hawk: You're supposed to be all cracked up at the bottom of the hill!
Tommy Five-Tone: Airbags! Can you fucking believe it?
Anna: You're supposed to be blown up into fiery chunks of flesh!
Tommy Five-Tone: Sprinkler system set up in the back! Can you *fucking* believe it?
Anna: In one day - less than one day of planning, and you did it. You started the week by stealing the Sforza and ended by swiping the Codex. What are your plans for the weekend? Hoisting away the Coliseum? Tell me, did the Devil make you do it, or did Darwin and Minerva Mayflower?
Hudson Hawk: Can't we just go back to the kissing part?
Hudson Hawk: Can't we just go back to the kissing part?
Snickers: [leaping around, desperately trying to remove the time bomb stuck to his forehead] Get this fucking thing off my head!
Hudson Hawk: Hey Tommy, look at Snickers.
Tommy Five-Tone: Yeah, he's about to have a bad migraine.
[the timer runs out. Nothing happens]
Snickers: Maybe it was a dud.
[the bomb beeps, and Hawk and Tommy jump out the window just as it explodes, taking Snickers and Almong Joy with it]
Hudson Hawk: Hey Tommy, look at Snickers.
Tommy Five-Tone: Yeah, he's about to have a bad migraine.
[the timer runs out. Nothing happens]
Snickers: Maybe it was a dud.
[the bomb beeps, and Hawk and Tommy jump out the window just as it explodes, taking Snickers and Almong Joy with it]
Darwin Mayflower: [about his disappointing henchmen] I suppose we're just going to have to kill them.
[Before Igg and Ook can object, Minerva raises a pistol and shoots each of them in the head]
Igg: Igg!
Ook: Ook!
[They fall down dead]
Darwin Mayflower: God, Minerva! I was just joking!
[They laugh hysterically]
[Before Igg and Ook can object, Minerva raises a pistol and shoots each of them in the head]
Igg: Igg!
Ook: Ook!
[They fall down dead]
Darwin Mayflower: God, Minerva! I was just joking!
[They laugh hysterically]
Hudson Hawk: [after throwing Butterfinger head first into the phone booth] Want a little more, Jumbo? I'll kick your big flabby ass!
George Kaplan: Impressive, Hawk. Enjoying Italy?
Hudson Hawk: [rubs his chin after being hit in the face] Yeah.
George Kaplan: Yes, I have always had a soft spot in my heart for Rome. I did my first bare-handed strangulation here. Communist politician.
Hudson Hawk: Why George, you big softie.
George Kaplan: God, I miss Communisim. The Red Threat, people were scared... the agency had some respect, and I got laid every night. Snickers, brief him.
Snickers: Good news Hawk, the Mayflowers have moved up the timetable, you're hitting the Vatican tonight.
Hudson Hawk: Oh no! No no, hold on, no way! The timing is off, I'm underequipped, and besides that, I've got a date.
Almond Joy: [grabs Hudson's list and reads it] Grapple, biker's bottle, pocket fisherman, olive oil, 100 stamps? Gee stud, this's going to be some date! No Harvey's Bristol Cream?
George Kaplan: Snickers, make that list happen. Oh, and Hawk, it's one thing to mess with the Mayflowers, but we're sore losers. We blow up space shuttles for breakfast. You and your friend Tommy are nothing more than... a late afternoon Triscuit. Ciao.
[He and Snickers walk away]
Hudson Hawk: Hey! Old man! Yeah, you! You come back here without your little Cub Scout army, and I'll kick your Centrally-Intelligent Ass up one side of the piazza and down the other!
[Kit Kat has been standing behind him, mimicking his tirade. Hawk finishes, and elbows Kit Kat in the face. Kit Kat hands Hawk a card]
Hudson Hawk: [reading] "Beware the blue wire."
[Hawk looks up and does a double take to see Kit Kat has disappeared, and Butterfinger handing him 100 stamps]
Butterfinger: Hey Mr. Hawk, I got your stamps.
Hudson Hawk: [imitating BooBoo] Good, Yogi.
George Kaplan: Impressive, Hawk. Enjoying Italy?
Hudson Hawk: [rubs his chin after being hit in the face] Yeah.
George Kaplan: Yes, I have always had a soft spot in my heart for Rome. I did my first bare-handed strangulation here. Communist politician.
Hudson Hawk: Why George, you big softie.
George Kaplan: God, I miss Communisim. The Red Threat, people were scared... the agency had some respect, and I got laid every night. Snickers, brief him.
Snickers: Good news Hawk, the Mayflowers have moved up the timetable, you're hitting the Vatican tonight.
Hudson Hawk: Oh no! No no, hold on, no way! The timing is off, I'm underequipped, and besides that, I've got a date.
Almond Joy: [grabs Hudson's list and reads it] Grapple, biker's bottle, pocket fisherman, olive oil, 100 stamps? Gee stud, this's going to be some date! No Harvey's Bristol Cream?
George Kaplan: Snickers, make that list happen. Oh, and Hawk, it's one thing to mess with the Mayflowers, but we're sore losers. We blow up space shuttles for breakfast. You and your friend Tommy are nothing more than... a late afternoon Triscuit. Ciao.
[He and Snickers walk away]
Hudson Hawk: Hey! Old man! Yeah, you! You come back here without your little Cub Scout army, and I'll kick your Centrally-Intelligent Ass up one side of the piazza and down the other!
[Kit Kat has been standing behind him, mimicking his tirade. Hawk finishes, and elbows Kit Kat in the face. Kit Kat hands Hawk a card]
Hudson Hawk: [reading] "Beware the blue wire."
[Hawk looks up and does a double take to see Kit Kat has disappeared, and Butterfinger handing him 100 stamps]
Butterfinger: Hey Mr. Hawk, I got your stamps.
Hudson Hawk: [imitating BooBoo] Good, Yogi.
Snickers: Guys, we got some good news and some bad news.
Almond Joy: The good news is, you'll be completely un-paralyzed in about two minutes.
Snickers: The bad news is, that only leaves you five seconds to defuse the bombs.
Hudson Hawk, Tommy Five-Tone: "Bombs"?
[Snickers fires a time bomb at the wall, it starts counting down from 2: 05. He and Almond Joy laugh]
Snickers: I'm so glad it had to end like this. I'll just shoot one in the kitchen for good measure...
Almond Joy: The good news is, you'll be completely un-paralyzed in about two minutes.
Snickers: The bad news is, that only leaves you five seconds to defuse the bombs.
Hudson Hawk, Tommy Five-Tone: "Bombs"?
[Snickers fires a time bomb at the wall, it starts counting down from 2: 05. He and Almond Joy laugh]
Snickers: I'm so glad it had to end like this. I'll just shoot one in the kitchen for good measure...
[Kit Kat rappels down next to Hawk and holds an index card in front of his face, on which is written: "MY NAME IS KIT KAT. THIS IS NOT A DREAM." Then he chops Hawk on the back of the neck and walks off. Next, Snickers appears and shocks Hawk with a taser]
Hudson Hawk: OW! What the fuck is the matter with you?
Snickers: Name's Snickers. Your plane leaves in forty.
[He walks off. A crate falls open and a woman appears]
Almond Joy: Almond Joy. Get it? Candy bars. It's better than when we first started out, our code names were diseases. Do you know what it's like being called Chlamydia for a year? Whoops, forgot.
[She backfists Hawk in the face and walks off. Then a huge man steps out of a port-o-potty, catches his jacket in the door and tips the port-o-potty over trying to get free]
Butterfinger: The name's Butterfinger.
Hudson Hawk: No shit.
George Kaplan: [appears] Do you like the Company's new look? I call them the MTV-IA.
Almond Joy: George, you promised: no old CIA/new CIA jokes.
George Kaplan: Punks. They think that the Bay of Pigs is an herbal tea and that the Cold War has something to do with Penguins.
Hudson Hawk: Don't I know you?
George Kaplan: The last time you saw me, I was bald, with a beard and no mustache, and I had a different nose. So if you don't recognize me, I won't be offended.
Hudson Hawk: My high school science teacher?
George Kaplan: [laughs] I'm the guy who tricked you into robbing the government installation, and then had you sent to prison for it.
Hudson Hawk: George Kaplan.
[Hawk rushes toward him to strangle him, and is instantly surrounded by guns]
Hudson Hawk: Ha-ha... I'm not the type to hold a grudge, George.
Hudson Hawk: OW! What the fuck is the matter with you?
Snickers: Name's Snickers. Your plane leaves in forty.
[He walks off. A crate falls open and a woman appears]
Almond Joy: Almond Joy. Get it? Candy bars. It's better than when we first started out, our code names were diseases. Do you know what it's like being called Chlamydia for a year? Whoops, forgot.
[She backfists Hawk in the face and walks off. Then a huge man steps out of a port-o-potty, catches his jacket in the door and tips the port-o-potty over trying to get free]
Butterfinger: The name's Butterfinger.
Hudson Hawk: No shit.
George Kaplan: [appears] Do you like the Company's new look? I call them the MTV-IA.
Almond Joy: George, you promised: no old CIA/new CIA jokes.
George Kaplan: Punks. They think that the Bay of Pigs is an herbal tea and that the Cold War has something to do with Penguins.
Hudson Hawk: Don't I know you?
George Kaplan: The last time you saw me, I was bald, with a beard and no mustache, and I had a different nose. So if you don't recognize me, I won't be offended.
Hudson Hawk: My high school science teacher?
George Kaplan: [laughs] I'm the guy who tricked you into robbing the government installation, and then had you sent to prison for it.
Hudson Hawk: George Kaplan.
[Hawk rushes toward him to strangle him, and is instantly surrounded by guns]
Hudson Hawk: Ha-ha... I'm not the type to hold a grudge, George.
Darwin Mayflower: Waldo, 100 million clams! Yes!
Auctioneer: That's 100 millon dollars to Mr. Darwin Mayflower.
Minerva Mayflower: 100 million and one, Waldo!
Auctioneer: Fantastic! 100 million dollars and one.
Darwin Mayflower: Outbid by mine own wench! Quelle bummere!
Minerva Mayflower: Don't hate me baby!
Auctioneer: That's 100 millon dollars to Mr. Darwin Mayflower.
Minerva Mayflower: 100 million and one, Waldo!
Auctioneer: Fantastic! 100 million dollars and one.
Darwin Mayflower: Outbid by mine own wench! Quelle bummere!
Minerva Mayflower: Don't hate me baby!
Darwin Mayflower: Listen, Hawk, this might be hard to believe, but I'm just a regular Joe. I just want to be happy. And happiness comes from the achievement of goals. It's just that when you've made your first billion by the age of nineteen, it's hard to keep coming up with new ones. But now, finally, I've got myself a new goal... World domination!
George Kaplan: My employer wants a meeting.
Hudson Hawk: Your employer? The President?
George Kaplan: No, somebody powerful.
[looks over Hawk's shoulder]
George Kaplan: Good God! What's that?
Hudson Hawk: [laughs] Now, George, you don't really expect me to fall for that old trick, do you?
George Kaplan: [chuckles] Shucks, I guess not.
[punches Hawk unconscious]
Hudson Hawk: Your employer? The President?
George Kaplan: No, somebody powerful.
[looks over Hawk's shoulder]
George Kaplan: Good God! What's that?
Hudson Hawk: [laughs] Now, George, you don't really expect me to fall for that old trick, do you?
George Kaplan: [chuckles] Shucks, I guess not.
[punches Hawk unconscious]
Hudson Hawk: Anthony Mario, Cesar Mario. I didn't know the circus was in town.
Cesar Mario: So, Hawk, why won't you do the Auction House?
Hudson Hawk: Call me superstitious, Cesar, but I don't like committing a crime within 24 hours of getting out of the joint.
Cesar Mario: Come on, Hawk. It's one night;s work, you take their thingy and put it in this thingy.
Hudson Hawk: Directions even your brother can understand.
Antony Mario: Yeah! Directions even I can understand...
Cesar Mario: [slaps Anthony on the shoulder] Shut up!
Cesar Mario: Look, Hawk, if you wanna go straight, open up a hardware store and sell spatulas, be my guest.
Hudson Hawk: You know, if the Marios weren't the 3rd largest crime family in New York I'd say "Kiss my Ass" but considering your status I'm gonna say "Slurp my Butt."
Tommy Five-Tone: [walks over with a bottle of wine] Have you ladies sampled our fine house wine? I think you'll enjoy it.
Antony Mario: Beat it Tommy, huh? No Dionsaurs allowed.
Tommy Five-Tone: [smashes the bottle over Anthony's head] Here!
Cesar Mario: [holds back his men from going after Tommy and Hawk] Stop! Let's go.
Cesar Mario: So, Hawk, why won't you do the Auction House?
Hudson Hawk: Call me superstitious, Cesar, but I don't like committing a crime within 24 hours of getting out of the joint.
Cesar Mario: Come on, Hawk. It's one night;s work, you take their thingy and put it in this thingy.
Hudson Hawk: Directions even your brother can understand.
Antony Mario: Yeah! Directions even I can understand...
Cesar Mario: [slaps Anthony on the shoulder] Shut up!
Cesar Mario: Look, Hawk, if you wanna go straight, open up a hardware store and sell spatulas, be my guest.
Hudson Hawk: You know, if the Marios weren't the 3rd largest crime family in New York I'd say "Kiss my Ass" but considering your status I'm gonna say "Slurp my Butt."
Tommy Five-Tone: [walks over with a bottle of wine] Have you ladies sampled our fine house wine? I think you'll enjoy it.
Antony Mario: Beat it Tommy, huh? No Dionsaurs allowed.
Tommy Five-Tone: [smashes the bottle over Anthony's head] Here!
Cesar Mario: [holds back his men from going after Tommy and Hawk] Stop! Let's go.
Minerva Mayflower: Why is the world jam packed with such idiots? Every Schmo has a fantasy that the planet revolves around them. It rains, a car crash happens, they say 'How can this happen to me?' But for us, this isn't a fantasy, it is a reality.
Darwin Mayflower: Oh yes! If De Vinci were alive today, he'd be eating microwaved sushi, naked in the back of a Cadillac with the both of us. The project of his life is now toy of mine. History... Tradition... Culture... are not concepts. These are trophies I keep in my den as paperweights! The chaos we will cause with this machine will be our final masterpiece!
Darwin Mayflower: Oh yes! If De Vinci were alive today, he'd be eating microwaved sushi, naked in the back of a Cadillac with the both of us. The project of his life is now toy of mine. History... Tradition... Culture... are not concepts. These are trophies I keep in my den as paperweights! The chaos we will cause with this machine will be our final masterpiece!
