Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay Quotes
Follows the cross-country adventures of the pot-smoking duo as they try to outrun authorities who suspect them of being terrorists when they try to sneak a bong on board their flight to Amsterdam.
Kumar Patel: [reciting the poem 'The Square Root of 3'] I fear that I will always be / A lonely number like root three / A three is all that's good and right, / Why must my three keep out of sight / Beneath a vicious square root sign, / I wish instead I were a nine / For nine could thwart this evil trick, / with just some quick arithmetic / I know I'll never see the sun, as 1.7321 / Such is my reality, a sad irrationality / When hark! What is this I see, / Another square root of a three / Has quietly come waltzing by, / Together now we multiply / To form a number we prefer, / Rejoicing as an integer / We break free from our mortal bonds / And with a wave of magic wands / Our square root signs become unglued / And love for me has been renewed.
Kumar Patel: So you get high and you put other people who smoke weed in jail?
George W. Bush: DUH!
Kumar Patel: That's so hypocritical!
George W. Bush: Oh yeah? Well let me ask you something, Kumar, do you like giving hand jobs?
Kumar Patel: No sir.
George W. Bush: Do you like gettin' hand jobs?
Kumar Patel: [smirking] Heh, yeah.
George W. Bush: Yeah well, that makes you a fuckin' hypocriticizer too, so shut the fuck up! Now smoke my weed.
George W. Bush: DUH!
Kumar Patel: That's so hypocritical!
George W. Bush: Oh yeah? Well let me ask you something, Kumar, do you like giving hand jobs?
Kumar Patel: No sir.
George W. Bush: Do you like gettin' hand jobs?
Kumar Patel: [smirking] Heh, yeah.
George W. Bush: Yeah well, that makes you a fuckin' hypocriticizer too, so shut the fuck up! Now smoke my weed.
Neil Patrick Harris: Anyway, last day of shooting, I told her. I said... "T-Bird, we're gonna have to break up."
Kumar Patel: Why did you do that?
Neil Patrick Harris: I didn't think I could take on that kind of responsibility. It was such a big mistake.
Kumar Patel: Why? I mean, with T-Bird gone, couldn't you have sex with whoever you wanted?
Neil Patrick Harris: Let me be clear. There is nothing on the planet that I love more than a hot, new pussy.
Kumar Patel: Sure.
Neil Patrick Harris: Nothing. What does the P.H. Stands for in N.P.H?
Harold Lee: Patrick Harris.
Neil Patrick Harris: No, common mistake. Poon handler.
Kumar Patel: Why did you do that?
Neil Patrick Harris: I didn't think I could take on that kind of responsibility. It was such a big mistake.
Kumar Patel: Why? I mean, with T-Bird gone, couldn't you have sex with whoever you wanted?
Neil Patrick Harris: Let me be clear. There is nothing on the planet that I love more than a hot, new pussy.
Kumar Patel: Sure.
Neil Patrick Harris: Nothing. What does the P.H. Stands for in N.P.H?
Harold Lee: Patrick Harris.
Neil Patrick Harris: No, common mistake. Poon handler.
Harold Lee: It's because of assholes like you that we're even in this fucking place - fucking cowards!
Terrorist #1: Well maybe if the people in your country stopped eating *doughnuts* and started realizing what their government is doing to the world, "assholes" like us wouldn't exist!
Kumar Patel: Fuck you! Doughnuts are awesome!
Terrorist #1: Well maybe if the people in your country stopped eating *doughnuts* and started realizing what their government is doing to the world, "assholes" like us wouldn't exist!
Kumar Patel: Fuck you! Doughnuts are awesome!
Harold Lee: After all the shit we've been through, I don't... I don't know if we can trust our government anymore.
George W. Bush: Trust the government? Heck, I'm in the government and I don't even trust it. You don't have to believe in your government to be a good American. You just have to believe in your country.
George W. Bush: Trust the government? Heck, I'm in the government and I don't even trust it. You don't have to believe in your government to be a good American. You just have to believe in your country.
Ron Fox: Do you have a problem with the way I run the show, Beecher?
Dr. Beecher: I'm just saying I looked through the files on Harold Lee and Kumar Patel. They were both born and raised in New Jersey. Other than a couple of traffic tickets, they're clean.
Ron Fox: Oh, right! That's why they just broke out of prison!
Dr. Beecher: It's not even clear that they should've been there in the first place!
Ron Fox: [growing flustered] Shouldn't have...
[walks over to desk and picks up a picture of a little girl]
Ron Fox: You see this cute little white girl, Beecher?
Dr. Beecher: Yeah.
Ron Fox: Do you want her to get raped and murdered?
Dr. Beecher: Of course not.
Ron Fox: You sure? Cause this is America. Do you want to rape America?
Dr. Beecher: No.
Ron Fox: Then stop fucking with me!
[throws picture against wall]
Dr. Beecher: I'm just saying I looked through the files on Harold Lee and Kumar Patel. They were both born and raised in New Jersey. Other than a couple of traffic tickets, they're clean.
Ron Fox: Oh, right! That's why they just broke out of prison!
Dr. Beecher: It's not even clear that they should've been there in the first place!
Ron Fox: [growing flustered] Shouldn't have...
[walks over to desk and picks up a picture of a little girl]
Ron Fox: You see this cute little white girl, Beecher?
Dr. Beecher: Yeah.
Ron Fox: Do you want her to get raped and murdered?
Dr. Beecher: Of course not.
Ron Fox: You sure? Cause this is America. Do you want to rape America?
Dr. Beecher: No.
Ron Fox: Then stop fucking with me!
[throws picture against wall]
Goldstein: Don't insult us, alright? I don't know what the hell's going on here, but I'm pleading the 5th until I speak to my lawyer.
Ron Fox: Oh, you plead the 5th, huh? Beecher, get me a copy of the Bill of Rights.
Dr. Beecher: The Bill of Rights? Why?
Ron Fox: Just do it!
[Beecher leaves room]
Ron Fox: 5 right?
Rosenberg: 5, sure.
Goldstein: 5 alive.
Ron Fox: Okay.
[Beecher comes in with the Bill of Rights]
Ron Fox: [undoing his pants] You want to know what I think of the 5th Amendment?
[rips off paper and wipes his ass with it]
Ron Fox: [holding up paper with crap smeared on it] There it is. That's what I think of the 5th Amendment.
Goldstein: Why the hell is your ass so dirty? Don't you wipe?
Ron Fox: Don't ask questions you don't want the answer to buddy.
Ron Fox: Oh, you plead the 5th, huh? Beecher, get me a copy of the Bill of Rights.
Dr. Beecher: The Bill of Rights? Why?
Ron Fox: Just do it!
[Beecher leaves room]
Ron Fox: 5 right?
Rosenberg: 5, sure.
Goldstein: 5 alive.
Ron Fox: Okay.
[Beecher comes in with the Bill of Rights]
Ron Fox: [undoing his pants] You want to know what I think of the 5th Amendment?
[rips off paper and wipes his ass with it]
Ron Fox: [holding up paper with crap smeared on it] There it is. That's what I think of the 5th Amendment.
Goldstein: Why the hell is your ass so dirty? Don't you wipe?
Ron Fox: Don't ask questions you don't want the answer to buddy.
Neil Patrick Harris: What's your name, miss?
Tits Hemmingway: Tits Hemmingway.
Neil Patrick Harris: Why do they call you that?
Tits Hemmingway: Beacause I have huge tits, and my favourite book is "A Moveable Feast".
Neil Patrick Harris: Well I hope you're ready for me, Tits. Because I'm going to rock out with my cock out, and you're going to jam out with your clam out. It's going to be magical.
Tits Hemmingway: Tits Hemmingway.
Neil Patrick Harris: Why do they call you that?
Tits Hemmingway: Beacause I have huge tits, and my favourite book is "A Moveable Feast".
Neil Patrick Harris: Well I hope you're ready for me, Tits. Because I'm going to rock out with my cock out, and you're going to jam out with your clam out. It's going to be magical.
Deputy Frye: I assume Secretary Whitmore is coming?
Ron Fox: Negative. He's on an ice fishing trip in Glacier Bay. I'm in charge while he's gone.
Dr. Beecher: Well, shouldn't he be alerted? Isn't this issue of more importance than an ice fishing trip?
Ron Fox: Who are you again?
Dr. Beecher: Dr. John Beecher, Vice Chairman of the NSA.
Ron Fox: Yeah, well, listen Dr. Dipshit - you've obviously never been ice fishing before.
Dr. Beecher: No, I haven't.
Ron Fox: Well it's fucking exhilarating.
Ron Fox: Negative. He's on an ice fishing trip in Glacier Bay. I'm in charge while he's gone.
Dr. Beecher: Well, shouldn't he be alerted? Isn't this issue of more importance than an ice fishing trip?
Ron Fox: Who are you again?
Dr. Beecher: Dr. John Beecher, Vice Chairman of the NSA.
Ron Fox: Yeah, well, listen Dr. Dipshit - you've obviously never been ice fishing before.
Dr. Beecher: No, I haven't.
Ron Fox: Well it's fucking exhilarating.
Light-Skinned Black Security: [after Kumar walks through metal detector] Sir, I need you to step aside please. I need to search you.
Kumar Patel: Did I beep?
Light-Skinned Black Security: Oh no, you didn't beep. Just a random security check. If you can just step aside, please. Just over here.
Kumar Patel: [stepping aside] Random, huh?
Light-Skinned Black Security: Yeah.
Kumar Patel: So this has nothing to do with my ethnicity?
Harold Lee: Come on, just do what the guy says.
Light-Skinned Black Security: Sir, it's our job as airport security to search for all possible weapons or illegal drugs.
Kumar Patel: So just because of the color of my skin you assume that I have drugs on me? Are you a racist?
Light-Skinned Black Security: Racist? Dude, I'm black!
Harold Lee: He's black! He's not racist!
Kumar Patel: [laughing] Please, dude. You're barely even brown. Compared to me, you look like Matthew Perry.
Harold Lee: No...!
Light-Skinned Black Security: Hey, who you callin' Matthew Perry, bitch?
Kumar Patel: I'm calling you Matthew Perry, you Matthew Perry-looking bitch!
Kumar Patel: Did I beep?
Light-Skinned Black Security: Oh no, you didn't beep. Just a random security check. If you can just step aside, please. Just over here.
Kumar Patel: [stepping aside] Random, huh?
Light-Skinned Black Security: Yeah.
Kumar Patel: So this has nothing to do with my ethnicity?
Harold Lee: Come on, just do what the guy says.
Light-Skinned Black Security: Sir, it's our job as airport security to search for all possible weapons or illegal drugs.
Kumar Patel: So just because of the color of my skin you assume that I have drugs on me? Are you a racist?
Light-Skinned Black Security: Racist? Dude, I'm black!
Harold Lee: He's black! He's not racist!
Kumar Patel: [laughing] Please, dude. You're barely even brown. Compared to me, you look like Matthew Perry.
Harold Lee: No...!
Light-Skinned Black Security: Hey, who you callin' Matthew Perry, bitch?
Kumar Patel: I'm calling you Matthew Perry, you Matthew Perry-looking bitch!
Neil Patrick Harris: I have a lost love story of my own.
Kumar Patel: Oh yeah?
Neil Patrick Harris: I'll never forget her. Her name was Tashonda. She was Whoopi Goldberg's stand-in. Her skin was so soft, her lips were so sweet. She had these tiny little Hershey kisses nipples that you just wanted to suck on all night long. Anyway, last day of shooting I told her. I said "T-Bird, we're gonna have to break up".
Kumar Patel: Why'd you do that?
Neil Patrick Harris: I didn't think I could take on that kind of responsibility. What a big mistake!
Neil Patrick Harris: [slaps himself in the face]
Neil Patrick Harris: The point is boys, even though I loved having sex with some hot random trim, a day hasn't gone by where I haven't thought of Tashonda. Every time I see a bag of Hershey kisses, my balls get so wet.
Kumar Patel: Oh yeah?
Neil Patrick Harris: I'll never forget her. Her name was Tashonda. She was Whoopi Goldberg's stand-in. Her skin was so soft, her lips were so sweet. She had these tiny little Hershey kisses nipples that you just wanted to suck on all night long. Anyway, last day of shooting I told her. I said "T-Bird, we're gonna have to break up".
Kumar Patel: Why'd you do that?
Neil Patrick Harris: I didn't think I could take on that kind of responsibility. What a big mistake!
Neil Patrick Harris: [slaps himself in the face]
Neil Patrick Harris: The point is boys, even though I loved having sex with some hot random trim, a day hasn't gone by where I haven't thought of Tashonda. Every time I see a bag of Hershey kisses, my balls get so wet.
Kumar Patel: What's up with this party?
Raza: What do you mean?
Harold Lee: There's exposed vagina all over your house.
Raza: Oh, yeah, that was my idea. I don't know about you guys - I'm sick of all the hype over topless.
Harold Lee: Really? I always liked topless.
Raza: Yeah, well I'm starting the bottomless trend! Hence the bottomless party.
Raza: What do you mean?
Harold Lee: There's exposed vagina all over your house.
Raza: Oh, yeah, that was my idea. I don't know about you guys - I'm sick of all the hype over topless.
Harold Lee: Really? I always liked topless.
Raza: Yeah, well I'm starting the bottomless trend! Hence the bottomless party.
Lt. Derek Davis: All right. Cockmeat sandwich time. You know the drill.
Terrorist #1: [referring to Harold and Kumar] What about them? They just got here.
Lt. Derek Davis: Hmph. Big Bob's looking after them.
Terrorist #2: Big Bob.
Terrorist #1: Big Bob!
Terrorist #2: [to Harold and Kumar] Hope you like doughnuts.
Terrorist #1: [referring to Harold and Kumar] What about them? They just got here.
Lt. Derek Davis: Hmph. Big Bob's looking after them.
Terrorist #2: Big Bob.
Terrorist #1: Big Bob!
Terrorist #2: [to Harold and Kumar] Hope you like doughnuts.
Travis: Look what we got here, brothers!
[pulls off Harold and Kumar's hoods]
Kenny: Mexicans!
Travis: Lynch them!
[Harold and Kumar start running, with the whole Klan in pursuit]
Grand Wizard: Come on, let's chase them back to the border!
[Grand Wizard trips and sets himself on fire]
Grand Wizard: Oh, pussyfart.
[Grand Wizard burns up]
Archie: Well, should we put it out or what.
[pulls off Harold and Kumar's hoods]
Kenny: Mexicans!
Travis: Lynch them!
[Harold and Kumar start running, with the whole Klan in pursuit]
Grand Wizard: Come on, let's chase them back to the border!
[Grand Wizard trips and sets himself on fire]
Grand Wizard: Oh, pussyfart.
[Grand Wizard burns up]
Archie: Well, should we put it out or what.
Kumar Patel: Are all the guards in Guantanamo Bay gay?
Big Bob: Fuck no! There ain't nothing gay about getting your dick sucked! You're the ones that're gay for sucking my dick!
Kumar Patel: What?
Big Bob: In fact, it creeps me out just being around you fags! Alright, get down on your knees and open your mouths.
Harold Lee: Why don't you kick our asses instead?
Big Bob: GET ON YOUR FUCKING KNEES NOW!
[they comply]
Big Bob: Hope you boys like extra mayo.
Big Bob: Fuck no! There ain't nothing gay about getting your dick sucked! You're the ones that're gay for sucking my dick!
Kumar Patel: What?
Big Bob: In fact, it creeps me out just being around you fags! Alright, get down on your knees and open your mouths.
Harold Lee: Why don't you kick our asses instead?
Big Bob: GET ON YOUR FUCKING KNEES NOW!
[they comply]
Big Bob: Hope you boys like extra mayo.
Kumar Patel: Hey, you don't happen to have a Baby Ruth on you, do you?
Harold Lee: No. Why do you need a Baby Ruth?
Kumar Patel: That's how Chunk got over with Sloth in The Goonies.
Harold Lee: This thing looks like Sloth?
Kumar Patel: All I saw was the creature's hand.
Harold Lee: The hand looks like Sloth?
Kumar Patel: The fucking hand of an evil monster, dude. Like claws and shit!
Harold Lee: No. Why do you need a Baby Ruth?
Kumar Patel: That's how Chunk got over with Sloth in The Goonies.
Harold Lee: This thing looks like Sloth?
Kumar Patel: All I saw was the creature's hand.
Harold Lee: The hand looks like Sloth?
Kumar Patel: The fucking hand of an evil monster, dude. Like claws and shit!
[first lines]
Kumar Patel: [taking a dump] Oh God, dude!
Harold Lee: [in shower] What the fuck? What the fuck? What are you doing?
Kumar Patel: I'm taking the most incredible dump of all time, man.
Harold Lee: You couldn't wait until I got out of the shower?
Kumar Patel: Um, may I remind you that we both just ate 30 burgers and 4 large orders of fries?
[continues to take a dump]
Kumar Patel: Don't worry, in a little bit I'm sure it'll hit you too.
Harold Lee: Maybe, but I'm going to wait until you get out of the shower!
Kumar Patel: Well don't wait too long. We gotta leave for the airport in an hour.
Harold Lee: An hour?
Kumar Patel: Uh-huh. Oh, hey, Roldy?
Harold Lee: Yeah?
Kumar Patel: Nice pubes.
Kumar Patel: [taking a dump] Oh God, dude!
Harold Lee: [in shower] What the fuck? What the fuck? What are you doing?
Kumar Patel: I'm taking the most incredible dump of all time, man.
Harold Lee: You couldn't wait until I got out of the shower?
Kumar Patel: Um, may I remind you that we both just ate 30 burgers and 4 large orders of fries?
[continues to take a dump]
Kumar Patel: Don't worry, in a little bit I'm sure it'll hit you too.
Harold Lee: Maybe, but I'm going to wait until you get out of the shower!
Kumar Patel: Well don't wait too long. We gotta leave for the airport in an hour.
Harold Lee: An hour?
Kumar Patel: Uh-huh. Oh, hey, Roldy?
Harold Lee: Yeah?
Kumar Patel: Nice pubes.
Kumar Patel: [to Vanessa] Look, I can't promise you the kind of lifestyle that Colton could. I can't promise you that I'll mature over night. But what I can promise you is...
[crowd leans in to listen intently]
Kumar Patel: [after a long pause] Sorry, I smoked weed with the president and I totally forgot what I was going to say.
[crowd leans in to listen intently]
Kumar Patel: [after a long pause] Sorry, I smoked weed with the president and I totally forgot what I was going to say.
Goldstein: The other night I ended up at that Asian party and I shtupped Cindy Kim!
Kumar Patel: Shut the fuck up! Are you serious?
Goldstein: Yeah man, she even gave me a blumpkin!
Kumar Patel: What is a blumpkin?
Goldstein: It's when a girl gives you head while you're sitting on the toilet taking a shit!
Kumar Patel: Shut the fuck up! Are you serious?
Goldstein: Yeah man, she even gave me a blumpkin!
Kumar Patel: What is a blumpkin?
Goldstein: It's when a girl gives you head while you're sitting on the toilet taking a shit!
Kumar Patel: I fucked up, okay? And I always fuck up. I am a fuck up!
Harold Lee: You think?
Kumar Patel: Harold, you're my best friend, dude. You mean the world to me, man. I love you.
Lt. Derek Davis: [coughing] Queers.
Kumar Patel: And I promise you if we figure out a way to get out of this, I'm gonna change, okay? It's not just going to be about Kumar all the time. It's going to be about Kumar and Harold.
Harold Lee: Harold and Kumar.
Kumar Patel: I kind of like the first way better.
Harold Lee: You think?
Kumar Patel: Harold, you're my best friend, dude. You mean the world to me, man. I love you.
Lt. Derek Davis: [coughing] Queers.
Kumar Patel: And I promise you if we figure out a way to get out of this, I'm gonna change, okay? It's not just going to be about Kumar all the time. It's going to be about Kumar and Harold.
Harold Lee: Harold and Kumar.
Kumar Patel: I kind of like the first way better.
Kumar Patel: [after getting through checkpoint] Holy fucking shit that was awesome!
Neil Patrick Harris: Try having that conversation on shrooms. I deserve an Oscar for that performance!
Harold Lee: You do!
Neil Patrick Harris: Dudes, I'm going to take a little detour on the way, alright?
Harold Lee: No, Neil, no. We're almost there, man.
Neil Patrick Harris: No buts! No buts! I'm going to a whorehouse and I'm gonna get my fuck on! If you two don't want to get your dicks wet, that's fine with me!
Neil Patrick Harris: Try having that conversation on shrooms. I deserve an Oscar for that performance!
Harold Lee: You do!
Neil Patrick Harris: Dudes, I'm going to take a little detour on the way, alright?
Harold Lee: No, Neil, no. We're almost there, man.
Neil Patrick Harris: No buts! No buts! I'm going to a whorehouse and I'm gonna get my fuck on! If you two don't want to get your dicks wet, that's fine with me!
