Hamlet 2

Hamlet 2 Quotes

In this irreverent comedy, a failed actor-turned-worse-high-school-drama-teacher rallies his Tucson, AZ students as he conceives and stages politically incorrect musical sequel to Shakespeare's Hamlet.

Dana Marschz: We are putting on this play and if you don't like it, then tough titties you assturd monkey fucker!
Cricket Feldstein: No one is shutting down this play. The Justice Department and the so-called Supreme Court can suck my balls.
Dana Marschz: Why do they have to do this?
Cricket Feldstein: My balls?
Dana Marschz: You can't let your ethnic narrow-mindedness stop your son from thriving in our culture.
Mr. Marquez: I have to take exception to that characterization.
Dana Marschz: Heywood's a bad boy. He's a gang banger. A deadbeat. But he also has a gift.
Mrs. Marquez: Who is Heywood?
Dana Marschz: Your son. Heywood Jablome.
[pause; realization dawns upon Dana]
Dana Marschz: Oh. I just got that.
Dana Marschz: Oh my god, writing is so hard!
Cricket Feldstein: Well, this play is gonna bitch-slap Broadway like a cheap hooker at a gangbang.
Dana Marschz: Uh... yeah.
Cricket Feldstein: Y'know, and those Bible-humping protesters can suck a bag of dicks, 'cause all I ended up doing was giving you free publicity.
Dana Marschz: Yeah, and did you see my dressing room? It has a bidet!
Elisabeth Shue: That was a sink.
Dana Marschz: It was?
Dana Marschz: [to Cat] What the fuck is your problem, man?
Dana Marschz: Chuy, you're going to have a magical life. Because no matter where you go, it's always going to be better than Tucson.
Dana Marschz: [in commercial] I'm having a herpes outbreak, right now - but you'd never know it. Thanks, Herpocol!
Brie Marschz: Maybe it's better that we just can't get pregnant. I feel like we shouldn't pass on this gene pool.
Chuy: [Chuy running around backstage and runs into Epiphany] Hmp!
Epiphany Sellars: Watch it, Nacho Bell Grande!
Chuy: Bitch! Why you always gotta fuck with me?
Epiphany Sellars: Ill show you why, Vato!
[Then jumps on Chuy and they make out]
[being shown the warehouse where the class plans to stage the play]
Dana Marschz: Let there be light!
[the stage lights are turned on]
Dana Marschz: My eyes!
Dana Marschz: I work for gas money! That's why I'm always on rollerskates.
Epiphany Sellars: What about the acting?
Rand Posin: [reading their play's review] "It is perhaps best not to mention the acting. In the theater, actors endeavor to simulate human emotion. Rand Posin and Epiphany Sellars flap their lips and wave their arms like malfunctioning wind-up toys..."
Dana Marschz: That's enough! Every trimester we get fisted by this guy!
Epiphany Sellars: [to Rand] What's "fisted"?
Rand Posin: [genuine or feigned confusion] What?
Dana Marschz: I have so much anger. I feel like I've been raped. In the face!
Dana Marschz: Goddamn macho bastards and their fear of the arts!
Dana Marschz: It's getting late... and my wife is ovulating.
Cricket Feldstein: You wanna hit me? I would love it if you hit me! I'm married to a Jew, I've got nothing to lose!
Dana Marschz: [to the class, about Elizabeth Shue] Oh, come on you guys. Could you not even Google her? The Karate Kid, the Crane, Wax on-Wax off, Soapdish, Dreamer with the fucking horse. Any of that shit ring a bell?
Epiphany Sellars: I still get nervous around ethnics.
Dana Marschz: It's a slippery slope... beer, liquor, dope, coke, meth, chicks with dicks, then jail!
Dana Marschz: I feel like I'm in a cage! And I feel like Nicolas Cage in Leaving Las Vegas! Starring my good friend, Elisabeth Shue!

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