Grumpy Old Men Quotes
A lifelong feud between two neighbors since childhood, only gets worse when a new female neighbor moves across the street.
Max Goldman: You know what Jacob said? Jacob said old Billy Hensel was killed in a car crash. Cleared his car straight off the bridge into the Mississippi.
John Gustafson: Lucky bastard.
Max Goldman: You bet.
John Gustafson: Hey, how is he, anyway?
Max Goldman: Dead! Died on impact!
John Gustafson: Jacob, moron, Jacob!
John Gustafson: Lucky bastard.
Max Goldman: You bet.
John Gustafson: Hey, how is he, anyway?
Max Goldman: Dead! Died on impact!
John Gustafson: Jacob, moron, Jacob!
Max Goldman: You're trying to steal her away like you did Mae.
John Gustafson: Oh, well, I'll remind you, Einstein, that Mae was no prize.
Max Goldman: She was to me.
John Gustafson: I was married to the woman for 20 years, she was no prize!
Max Goldman: She was to me.
John Gustafson: Well, that's why you're a moron! If you'd had Mae you wouldn't have had Amy! And Amy was a good woman!
Max Goldman: She was the best.
John Gustafson: Yeah, and she was a darned sight more loyal than Mae ever was!
Max Goldman: Yeah!
John Gustafson: Yeah.
Max Goldman: What?
John Gustafson: What?
Max Goldman: Huh?
John Gustafson: Huh?
John Gustafson: What...?
[Both forget what they were arguing about]
John Gustafson: Oh, well, I'll remind you, Einstein, that Mae was no prize.
Max Goldman: She was to me.
John Gustafson: I was married to the woman for 20 years, she was no prize!
Max Goldman: She was to me.
John Gustafson: Well, that's why you're a moron! If you'd had Mae you wouldn't have had Amy! And Amy was a good woman!
Max Goldman: She was the best.
John Gustafson: Yeah, and she was a darned sight more loyal than Mae ever was!
Max Goldman: Yeah!
John Gustafson: Yeah.
Max Goldman: What?
John Gustafson: What?
Max Goldman: Huh?
John Gustafson: Huh?
John Gustafson: What...?
[Both forget what they were arguing about]
Max Goldman: You mean the low-life, ass-wipe, egg-sucker John Gustafson?
Snyder: Have you seen him?
Max Goldman: The man's crazy. Loco. Always hanging out around those kinky strip bars. You know, the ones where the men take their clothes off. That's of course if he's taken his medication.
Snyder: Medication?
Max Goldman: Yes, without it he could be anywhere. Wandering around talking to the trees. I'm telling you the man's a menace, he's always drinking, starting fights.
Snyder: Have you seen him?
Max Goldman: The man's crazy. Loco. Always hanging out around those kinky strip bars. You know, the ones where the men take their clothes off. That's of course if he's taken his medication.
Snyder: Medication?
Max Goldman: Yes, without it he could be anywhere. Wandering around talking to the trees. I'm telling you the man's a menace, he's always drinking, starting fights.
Ariel Truax: [John is showing Ariel some family pictures] And these two little guys?
John Gustafson: Oh! That's me and the moron.
Ariel Truax: Is that Max?
John Gustafson: Of course it's Max. He's ugly isn't he?
Ariel Truax: Aw, you mean you were friends?
John Gustafson: I was 10, and didn't know any better.
Ariel Truax: What makes two men spend most of their lives fighting?
John Gustafson: Oh? Guess.
Ariel Truax: A woman!
[John nods]
Ariel Truax: How romantic.
John Gustafson: No, it wasn't romantic at all.
John Gustafson: Oh! That's me and the moron.
Ariel Truax: Is that Max?
John Gustafson: Of course it's Max. He's ugly isn't he?
Ariel Truax: Aw, you mean you were friends?
John Gustafson: I was 10, and didn't know any better.
Ariel Truax: What makes two men spend most of their lives fighting?
John Gustafson: Oh? Guess.
Ariel Truax: A woman!
[John nods]
Ariel Truax: How romantic.
John Gustafson: No, it wasn't romantic at all.
