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Maxwell Smart: Chief I have to say this whole thing really stems my plans. I can not get over the fact that 23 is a traitor.
The Chief: Sand trap.
[they crash through a sand dune]
Maxwell Smart: Now I know how you must have felt when you thought I was a traitor, it is demoralizing!
The Chief: Tractor.
[they crash over a tractor]
Maxwell Smart: Argh, I don't know how I missed it, I am usually very observant.
The Chief: Swordfish!
[they crash right into a swordfish]
Maxwell Smart: [car comes to a stop] Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
The Chief: I don't know. Were you thinking, "Holy shit, holy shit, a swordfish almost went through my head"? If so, then yes.

Maxwell Smart: I think it's only fair to warn you, this facility is surrounded by a highly trained team of 130 Black Op Snipers.
Siegfried: I don't believe you.
Maxwell Smart: Would you believe two dozen Delta Force Commandos?
Siegfried: No.
Maxwell Smart: How about Chuck Norris with a BB gun?

Siegfried: How do I know you're not Control?
Maxwell Smart: If I were Control, you'd already be dead.
Siegfried: If you were Control, you'd already be dead.
Maxwell Smart: Neither of us is dead, so I am obviously not from Control.
Shtarker: That actually makes sense.

Agent 23: It's not over Max, I'll take that briefcase.
Maxwell Smart: If you want it, you'll have to take it.
Agent 23: [pause] That's what I just said!
Maxwell Smart: I know, I'm just trying to annoy you!

Agent 23: If you don't follow the rules here then what are we?
The Chief: I'm telling you what we're not, we're not people who jam staples into other people's heads, that's CIA crap!

Larabee: Put me out there, chief, I'm not afraid to expose myself.
Agent 99: Do you ever think before you speak?
Larabee: No, I just whip it out there. It's what's best.

Agent 99: Are you staring at my butt?
Maxwell Smart: No, no, I... I was, but I'm not... I'm staring again.

Agent 99: Max has no experience, and I don't want him as my partner.
Maxwell Smart: Well, that is a sucker punch to the gonads.

Maxwell Smart: Am I wearing boxers? For future reference, I usually prefer briefs for their security and peace of mind. Going free-bird is not exactly ideal. I don't like it.

Maxwell Smart: Well, you were no help at all.
Agent 99: How could I help? I'm just a woman with a dusty old uterus.
Maxwell Smart: I never said dusty.

[Max is using the toilet and listening in on two henchmen conversing by the sinks. He flushes the toilet and walks over to them]
Maxwell Smart: You know what? I will tell you, I love your country! No more communism, no rules of any kind, really. I'm filling my suitcase with steroids and art from ancient Mesopotamia, ran over an old woman yesterday, best vacation I ever had!
[an alarm on his watch goes off]
Maxwell Smart: Time to take my pill...
[leaves and returns to his and 99's table]
Maxwell Smart: There was a guy in the bathroom who's really hot.
[beat]
Agent 99: Okay, well...
Maxwell Smart: No, no, no, radioactive hot. Although, yes, he did have a certain rugged quality that some found appealing.

Agent 99: Inside there's a pill, if captured it will cause death in nine seconds.
Maxwell Smart: Great, but how exactly do I get them to take it?
[pause]
Maxwell Smart: Not much of a laugher are you?

Maxwell Smart: [when he hears he is promoted to Agent 86] The cone please...
[he walks to a corner of the safe room and screams: ]
Maxwell Smart: Oooh, I am so happy. This is the best day of my life!
Lloyd: You didn't push the button hard enough.
Maxwell Smart: So you all heard me... right.

Maxwell Smart: I recently lost 150 pounds.
Max's Dance Partner: Me too!

Larabee: Hey, new guy. Hold up a second. Welcome to CONTROL. We have a tradition called "Pick on the new guy." Here's how it works. We pick on the new guy.
Agent 91: And you can't do anything about it.
Larabee: Let's try one. You dropped your pencil.
Agent 91: Did you hear the man!
Hymie: I don't see a man, I see two little girls. I think I'll call you Maureen, and you Brittany.
Agent 91: New guy did not.
Larabee: New guy did.
Agent 91: OK, new guy...
Larabee: I got this. And I'm going to enjoy it.
Hymie: That will make me happy, Maureen.
Larabee: Ho ho ho. Maureen...
[Larabee punches Hymie in the stomach- loud metallic sound is heard]
Larabee: OW! What's in there? Oh. Oh.
Hymie: And just for the record.
Larabee: Oh. Oh. What's in there?
[Hymie staples paper to Larabee's forehead. Larabee screams]
Hymie: My name is not "new guy". My name is Hymie. Now, if you ladies will excuse me.
[Hymie walks away]
Bruce: [Bruce and Lloyd hiding off to the side] This is going to be so fun.
Lloyd: Make him high five me.
[Hymie high fives Lloyd]

Agent 99: Did you see anything while I was dancing?
Maxwell Smart: Just once, but I don't think you expected him to lift you so high.

Maxwell Smart: This whole week, last night, you know me.
Agent 99: Apparently not.
Agent 23: Oh my God, you two? You and Max? You said we had to break up cause we worked together!
Maxwell Smart: Oh my God, you and 23? I am so sexually threatened right now.

Agent 99: Use your peripherals! Do you see him?
Maxwell Smart: I'm just widening my eyes. I'm not actually seeing anything more.
[turns around to look]
Maxwell Smart: Woah, that's a bad guy, that's a really bad guy! Did you see his face? His head looks like one of the Easter Island heads!

[the cone of silence isn't working]
Maxwell Smart: Chief, I hit you in the head with a fire extinguisher!
The Chief: No, no, we're not ready yet!

Larabee: Hey, Maxine! Why don't you come over here and we'll play a little game I like to call: 'Let's Go to the Dog Show'! I put a collar on you and make you my bi... AH!
[gets shot in the crotch with a paintball by Max]
Larabee: [while groaning, to 91] I think I really got inside head.
Maxwell Smart: [to 23] I am not proud of what I just did.

Maxwell Smart: [given a blanket] Oh good, the itchy kind, my favorite, does this one also have small pox? And that was a human tooth...

[Larabee is texting during a briefing]
Agent 23: What are you doing? Are you texting?
Larabee: Yeah. Letting my fiancee know we won't be able to get married in June, 'cause I'll still be in this meeting.
[23 smirks]
Agent 23: Can I see that for a second?
Larabee: Yeah.
[Larabee hands the phone to 23]
Agent 23: That's great.
[23 breaks the phone]
Agent 23: Well, that's weird. You lost your signal.

[to prevent the bomb going off, Max knocks the orchestra conductor off the podium]
The President: I like that tackling part!

Agent 99: You lied about finding evidence of radioactivity.
Agent 23: You conveniently killed Krstic before anyone could question him.
The Chief: And there's that little matter with you stoning my head with a fire extinguisher.
Maxwell Smart: I said I was sorry, you just didn't hear me because you were in a mini coma.

The Chief: If you don't find that screen, Mr. Larabee, I'm Going to have you hunting for land mines... with a hammer!

Dalip: [hugging Max and sobbing] Her sister's such a bitch!

Shtarker: Are you crazy? This is radioactive material! One wrong move, and it's ka-frickin'-boom!
Siegfried: This is KAOS. We don't "ka-frickin'-boom" here.

The President: What did the vice-president have to say about this?
The Chief: I'm afraid the vice-president and I had a less then cordial encounter yesterday sir.
The President: Less then cordial you say?
The Chief: Yes sir.
The President: [President watches video of The Chief tackling the Vice-President on a cell phone] Whoa... I'll say.

[Max and 99 are six miles outside of Smolensk, walking along a dirt road]
Maxwell Smart: Okay, not to keep dwelling on this, but that was some kiss. How did you know that would work? Have you kissed other men who then plummeted to their deaths?
Agent 99: Okay, okay! You know what, so far our entire "partnership" has consisted of me getting you out of trouble! Do you know why? It is because you keep leading!
Maxwell Smart: Well...
Agent 99: So here's how we stop that: I lead now! I'm the one with field experience, and you know nothing!
Maxwell Smart: I beg to differ!
[99 starts walking away]
Maxwell Smart: I looked up your field agent exam, and I scored...
Agent 99: My *what*?
Maxwell Smart: Your field agent exam! I scored eight points higher than you did! That is the difference between an A+ and an A-!
Agent 99: [at the same time] This is not a classroom! This is real! You are really going to get yourself killed if you don't listen to me!
Maxwell Smart: ...A-!
[beat; 99 glares at Max]
Agent 99: Okay. Okay, you're faced with an assassin. What do you do?
Maxwell Smart: I take out my gun...
[pulls his gun out of its holster]
Maxwell Smart: ... and I would shoot-
[as Max raises his weapon in front of him, 99 snatches it from him and points it at his head]
Agent 99: You don't have a gun.
Maxwell Smart: I did until you took it!
Agent 99: "Bang", you're dead!
Maxwell Smart: No, I'm not.
[99 points the gun at Max's heart]
Agent 99: "Bang", you're dead!
Maxwell Smart: Stop shooting me.
Agent 99: You are dead!
[points the gun at spots all over Max's upper body]
Agent 99: Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang!
Maxwell Smart: I don't like it when you shoot me! Stop it. Stop shooting me! You've already said I was-
[99 sticks Max's gun back into his pants]
Maxwell Smart: Hey.
Agent 99: [quietly] Throw out your manual. I hear there are no grades. There's only "dead" and "not dead".
Maxwell Smart: You know, I am not completely incompetent without a gun. I am a master in the art of Choi Kwang-Do.
[gets into a warm-up stance, at which point 99 backhands him across the face]
Maxwell Smart: I was not ready!
Agent 99: That's my point.
Maxwell Smart: You know what-
[99 slaps him again]
Maxwell Smart: Hey! What was that?

Siegfried: [to Dalip] Well, you did your job, so I suppose I can't kill your wife. Although to be honest, I'd be doing the sighted world a favor...
[Dalip kicks Siegfried out of the car]

Dalip: Bomb didn't go off.
Siegfried: Oh really bright eyes, what alerted you? Was it no boom-boom or the lack of a mushroom cloud?
Shtarker: It was the mushroom cloud for me.

Maxwell Smart: [In a sewer] You know, I never saw James Bond in rats or poop, let alone rats _and_ poop. Oh look, there's a rat riding on a piece of poop.

[last lines]
Maxwell Smart: [gets his nose caught in a door] Ow! You gotta be kidding me!

Agent 99: I used to look like my mom.
Maxwell Smart: I used to look like two of my moms put together.

Maxwell Smart: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
The Chief: If you're thinking "Holy shit! Holy shit! A swordfish almost went though my head!" If so, then yes.

Maxwell Smart: We are near the drop zone, I'll go first.
Agent 99: Are you going to be ok with your handcuffs?
Maxwell Smart: No handcuffs can contain me.
Maxwell Smart: Hey, violent sky marshall!
Air Marshall: What do you want?
Maxwell Smart: I have to squeeze the lemon.
[a nearby couple sigh in disgust]
Maxwell Smart: You heard me I have to "squeeze the lemon".

Siegfried: [to Dalip] Oh my god. Have you eaten the crew? Oh look. It understands.

Agent 99: Oh Chief...
Agent 23: Very sweet tackle.
The President: Look at the surprise on his face!

Maxwell Smart: It's okay, 99. Big people feel pain, too.

Maxwell Smart: A total guess. Yes, it was.

Maxwell Smart: I have obtained a snippet, at great risk to a bus boy in Balad.
[Men start speaking in Punjab on a recording which Max is translating]
Maxwell Smart: "Aftab, how is your coffee?"
Maxwell Smart: "Good, Dalip, it's decaf. How is yours?"
Maxwell Smart: "It is good, also. How is your muffin?"
Maxwell Smart: Powerful stuff
The Chief: So "muffin", then, is a code word?
Maxwell Smart: No, it is comfort food... and quite frankly much more fattening than most people realize. Which begs the question... why would two hardened KAOS agents... risk the carbs?
Maxwell Smart: Because they are under a great deal of stress.
Agent 23: Hence the decaf.
Maxwell Smart: For Aftab yes. Dalip takes his full-strength. Why? Because he has been sleeping on the couch for three days... because he called his sister-in-law a "leathery hag".
Larabee: You know, people often say things in anger they don't really mean. Leathery hag, fat cow, ungrateful whore. Just words really, that shouldn't be used against you in a custody hearing.
Agent 91: Let it go, man, those kids don't even look like you.
The Chief: Can we put a pen in this, please... and go back to Max's extraordinary detailed report?
Maxwell Smart: Thank you, Chief. All I'm saying is... that until we understand that our enemies are also human beings... we will never defeat them. Yes, they are bad guys, but that is what they do, not who they are. Let's continue listening... and bear in mind that the next 100 pages can get a little bit dry.
Larabee: Come on.
[All sigh in boredom]

Agent 23: See, this is your problem, some men like women who are feminine!
Agent 99: What, I'm not feminine?
Agent 23: No.
Agent 99: I'm not feminine?
[kicks Agent 23 in the face]

Maxwell Smart: On 3: 1... 2... 3.
[fake-punches Bruce, Bruce falls]
Maxwell Smart: Wrong way.

Agent 99: I think we should trust him chief.
Agent 23: Oh absolutely Chief, I'm with 99 on that one, everytime I look at Maxie's puppy eyes I'm a goner.
Agent 99: Oh my God, you've really never had anyone break up with you have you?

Maxwell Smart: The old "Call Forwarding From the Shoe phone to the Cell phone so you don't know Where I am and then I appear on the Roof behind you and Surprise everyone" trick.
Agent 23: [points a gun to Max's temple] Don't move.

Kid in Minivan: [sees Max dangling outside the window] Mom! Mom, mom, mom, mom, mom!
Mom in Minivan: Sean, Sean, Sean, Sean, Sean! You see how annoying that is?

[Max walks in to See CONTROL in shambles. Looks over and sees Bruce and Lloyd underneath a table]
Maxwell Smart: Bruce! Lloyd! What happened here... and what is that ungodly smell?
Lloyd: Fear.

Siegfried: 200 billion dollars by 3pm.
CIA Agent: 200 billion dollars by 3pm?
Siegfried: You seem a bit slow, is there someone else I can talk to?
Shtarker: Good one.

[Max, having been turned down, is talking to himself on a sidewalk]
Maxwell Smart: I am sorry. Despite today's setback, I will at some point become a field agent. And when that happens, one phone call could take me to the other side of the world.
[sighs]
Maxwell Smart: Who am I kidding? I'm a middle aged man who's missed the train. You don't deserve this. I don't deserve you.
[camera angle changes to show that he's talking to a dog in a pet store display window]
Maxwell Smart: You're so young, so full of life. Don't do it, fang. Don't love me.
[as he starts to walk away, a female jogger plows straight into him and both of them fall]
Maxwell Smart: Oh, dear. Sorry.
[helps her to her feet]
Agent 99: Oh, great.
[looks at her watch]
Agent 99: That was my last mile. Now I have no idea how fast I was.
Maxwell Smart: Well, you were really moving. Not easy to knock me down. I have a very low center of gravity. Pretty solid.
Agent 99: I'm just gonna call that one a... 4:50.
Maxwell Smart: Impressive. I, uh, once ran a 5:16.
Agent 99: Oh really? That's, uh, slower.
Maxwell Smart: Well, not everything's a competition.
Agent 99: If it were, I'd win.
Maxwell Smart: Ah. Are you flirting with me?
[beat]
Agent 99: Not at all. Are you flirting with me?
Maxwell Smart: That depends. Is it working?
[99 puts her headphones back in her ears]
Agent 99: Not at all.
[jogs away]
Maxwell Smart: Well nice meeting you! I admire your focus!
[a man comes out of the store wheeling a dolly, and one wheel runs over Max's foot]
Maxwell Smart: Am I invisible?

Maxwell Smart: I didn't get to eat at the restaurant, and if you skip a meal, the next meal you overindulge.
Agent 99: Ohh! Let me, i've got nails.
[Max gives her the biscuits, she throws them into a lake, and a duck is heard quaking]
Maxwell Smart: You owe me three dollars!

[99 is talking to chief on her cell-phone, Max asked to see the phone but she hit the "know-out gas button" on her phone]
Maxwell Smart: Could this be Siegfried?
The Chief: Hello, Max.
Maxwell Smart: Chief?
The Chief: Yes.
[the knock-out gas starts coming out of the phone]
Maxwell Smart: Knock-out gas 99? I've trained my body to be impervious to this whi... that's new stuff.
[Max passes out]

[Max notices he has gum on the bottom of his shoe]
Maxwell Smart: Oh great, I have gum on the bottom of my new shoes.
[Max pulls out a box of matches and starts removing the gum with a match]
Guy on the plane: Hey! He's trying to light his shoe!
Guy on the plane: It's a shoe bomb! Get HIM!
Maxwell Smart: No, it's gum.
Lady on the plane: Gun?
Lady on the plane: He's got a gun!
Maxwell Smart: No... GUUUMM!
[the air marshall tackles him to the floor]
Air Marshall: Air Marshall! You're under arrest!
Maxwell Smart: Sir, I believe you just shattered my coccyx!

Bakery Counter Woman: Free rugelach?
Maxwell Smart: No thank you. I am here for something else.
Bakery Counter Woman: Bread?
Maxwell Smart: Something hot.
Bakery Counter Woman: We have rolls that just came out.
Maxwell Smart: Even hotter. Much, much hotter.
Bakery Counter Woman: I already have boyfriend.
Maxwell Smart: All right...
Bakery Counter Woman: Although, I could make exception.
Maxwell Smart: No, that's OK.
Bakery Counter Woman: Sure? Flour sacks in back very comfortable.
Maxwell Smart: I don't think we are on the same page.

Bruce: [as Max is escaping] Turn around slowly.
Maxwell Smart: [turns around to find Bruce and Lloyd coming around the corner with forced angry facial expressions and Bruce holding a gun] Guys, you have to believe me I am not a double agent.
Lloyd: We never thought you were.
Bruce: Yeah, we love you, man.
Maxwell Smart: Then what's with the firearm and the freak-show expression?
Bruce: For the security camera. If it looks like we let you go, we'd totally get fired.
Maxwell Smart: [looks up at the camera then looks back] Got it.
[Burce and Lloyd shuffle forward stiffly and regain fighting stances and angry expressions]
Maxwell Smart: Where are the Chief and 99?
Bruce: They flew to L.A. to talk to the President.
Maxwell Smart: I need to get out of here before someone else comes to stop me.
Bruce: I suggest you overpower us.
Maxwell Smart: Good idea. Bruce I will smash you in the face.
Bruce: [rather pleasantly] Thank you.
Maxwell Smart: Lloyd, I will simulate your disembowelment.
Lloyd: [whimpers slightly]
Maxwell Smart: Ready? One...
[Bruce flinches]
Maxwell Smart: Not yet! I haven't punched you yet. React when I punch you.
Bruce: [regains firearm] Oh, yeah.
Maxwell Smart: One, two, three.
[punches to the left but Bruce falls to his left]
Maxwell Smart: Wrong way.
Lloyd: OK, wait. You should know sometimes I faint.
Maxwell Smart: I'm not actually going to hit you.
Lloyd: No, but when I see blood, or talk about blood, or think about blood...
Maxwell Smart: There will be no blood. Hang in there. Hang in, buddy.
Lloyd: [faints]

Maxwell Smart: My buttocks are really stinging from being dragged.

The Chief: You'll have to bear with me, I'm still a little fuzzy. I got a pretty good hit in the head yesterday.
[Knowing he did it, Max lies]
Maxwell Smart: Yes, it was... dark in there... you probably tripped... I hurt my knee... it was smoky too.

Maxwell Smart: [Maxwell and Agent 99 swing towards a window but they hit the wall] Missed it by that much!

Maxwell Smart: [Agent 99 leans to kiss him] 99 please, nobody here knows we're dating.
The Chief: [walks by] Yes, they do.
Maxwell Smart: On the cheek.
[Agent 99 kisses his cheek]
Agent 99: [as they walk off] Give me a little one.
[Max kisses her on the lips]

Agent 13: Are you coming back this way?
Maxwell Smart: Oh... Yea, maybe.
Agent 13: What time?
Maxwell Smart: Oh... Mmmm...
Agent 13: I get it... I get it... No one wants to talk to a guy in a tree, I get it.
Maxwell Smart: Please don't cry... just... don't cry.

Opel Driver: [after Max flags down a car in the middle of the road] What are you doing, dummkopf? Running out in the middle of the road? You could get hit by a car!
[the Opel is smashed into from behind by another car]
Maxwell Smart: Well, that... was ironic.

Agent 99: Not bad for a rookie.
Maxwell Smart: Not bad for an old lady.

CONTROL Agent: [when gets shot by Max with a paintball] Missed me! Hahaha!
[gets shot rapidly with paintballs by 23]
CONTROL Agent: Alright! Alright! I'm out!
Agent 23: He was lying Max. It was a good shot.
Maxwell Smart: Thanks. I am so sick of training. I wanna get out into the field.
Agent 91: Give it up 23! It's just you and Maxi-pad against the six of us!
Maxwell Smart: [sarcastically] Oh, gee, Maxi-pad. I've never heard that one before!
[less sarcastically to 23]
Maxwell Smart: I never have actually heard that one before.

Maxwell Smart: [to two Russian suspects] You know what? I will tell you, I love your country. No more communism, no rules of any kind, really. I'm filling my suitcase with steroids and art from ancient Mesopotamia, ran over an old woman yesterday, best vacation I ever had!

Shtarker: [after Siegfried gets thrown out of the car and over a bridge] What good hang time, huh?

[after Max kisses agent 23 to distract him, then punch him]
The Chief: Unusual, but effective.

Siegfried: You know, you're the only human being I know who snores when he's awake.

Maxwell Smart: Oh gee, Maxi-pad, I haven't heard that one before!
[pause]
Maxwell Smart: I never have actually heard that one before.

Maxwell Smart: Welcome back 23, how was the assassination?
Agent 23: Maxie, you know assassinations are specifically prohibited by executive order number 12333.
[laughter]
Maxwell Smart: 23, you killed me!
Agent 23: I could if I wanted to!
Maxwell Smart: Yes, you could.
[laughter]
Maxwell Smart: Oh! Did you see the look on his face?

The Chief: Speak up, son. I'm an old man, you know.

Siegfried: Why does he do that?
Shtarker: Don't look at me, I'm no one.
Siegfried: And don't you forget it, everyone here can be replaced.
[to Dalip]
Siegfried: I even have backup for you, it's called a rhinoceros.

Maxwell Smart: [to Agent 99] Is that your default setting? Do you just punch people in the face, willy-nilly? Its Tuesday, I'll punch Max in the face. Ooh, a box of kittens, time to punch Max in the face. Oh, I'm having some bread, time to punch Max in the face!

Maxwell Smart: Personal best!

[Larabee is getting surrounded by the "cone of silence"]
Larabee: Get OFF!
[talking to Chief]
Maxwell Smart: Larabee wants out!
Maxwell Smart: OOOOUUUUTTTT!
[Max's head is shone swelling in the cone of silence]

Maxwell Smart: [99 is trying to get knife out of his pocket by grabbing it with her bare feet] That's not my knife!

Shtarker: Too bad about all the dead movie stars.
Siegfried: Yes. What will we do without their razor-sharp political advice.

Maxwell Smart: [on the plane] Oh, wow!

Ladislas Krstic: That's enough, I'm about to shoot a beautiful woman and her retard stable boy, and yet I will sleep like a baby.

Maxwell Smart: Mother of pearl!

Agent 99: [seeing Max on his shoe phone] Why are you talking into your shoe?

Maxwell Smart: This is it?
Siegfried: Of course not, I lied.
Shtarker: He does that.

Vice President: I just got a new pacemaker! I can go all day!

Maxwell Smart: Son of a hamster.

Agent 99: Did I hear something?
Maxwell Smart: Yes, there were some tap dancers in the hallway.

Larabee: Two-nerd pileup!
[bumps Bruce and Lloyd together and makes the noise of squealing tires]
Agent 91: [shoving Bruce and Lloyed into the desk] Move!
Bruce: Pretty boys! Nothing but empty suits.

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