Don't Be a Menace to South Central While Drinking Your Juice in the Hood Quotes
"Don't Be a Menace to South Central While Drinking your Juice in the Hood" is a parody of several U.S. films about being in the 'Hood', for instance "Boyz n the Hood", "South Central", "... See full summary »
Driving Instructor: Hello. I'm Mr. Walker, your driving instructor. Fasten your seat belt, check your mirrors, let's begin.
[Ashtray driving]
Driving Instructor: Make a right, right here.
[a few moments later... ]
Driving Instructor: Make another left right here.
[a few moments later, in front of bank]
Driving Instructor: Park right here.
[Ashtray stops]
Driving Instructor: Wait here.
[Ashtray waits, gunshots heard in bank, alarm sounding, Mr. Walker runs back to car, points gun at Ashtray]
Driving Instructor: Drive, motherfucker! Drive!
[car takes off]
[Ashtray driving]
Driving Instructor: Make a right, right here.
[a few moments later... ]
Driving Instructor: Make another left right here.
[a few moments later, in front of bank]
Driving Instructor: Park right here.
[Ashtray stops]
Driving Instructor: Wait here.
[Ashtray waits, gunshots heard in bank, alarm sounding, Mr. Walker runs back to car, points gun at Ashtray]
Driving Instructor: Drive, motherfucker! Drive!
[car takes off]
Ashtray's cellmate: If you hit a man, in time his wounds will heal. If you steal from a man, you can replace what you've stolen. But always cross in the green, never in between. Because the honorable Elijah Muhammed Ali floats like a butterfly and stings like a bee. And always remember my brother, one fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish, knick knack, paddy whack, give a dog a bone, two thousand, zero, zero, party, oops! Out of time, my bacon smellin' fine.
Ashtray: Hey, Preach, what up nigga?
Preach: Y'all need to stop using the word nigga. You see, it's terms like the word nigga that the white man uses to take away the self esteem of another race.
Ashtray: Word.
Preach: Oh yeah, remind me to pick my laundry up from that chink motherfucker up the street.
Preach: Y'all need to stop using the word nigga. You see, it's terms like the word nigga that the white man uses to take away the self esteem of another race.
Ashtray: Word.
Preach: Oh yeah, remind me to pick my laundry up from that chink motherfucker up the street.
Dave the Crackhead: Man, you got any spare change?
Ashtray: Sorry, bro. I'm all out.
Dave the Crackhead: [holds up paper bag] Man, I got these cheeseburgers, man.
Ashtray: I don't want any cheeseburgers.
Dave the Crackhead: Please, man! I'll suck yo dick!
Ashtray: [Disgusted] Ugh! Get outta here, man!
Ashtray: Sorry, bro. I'm all out.
Dave the Crackhead: [holds up paper bag] Man, I got these cheeseburgers, man.
Ashtray: I don't want any cheeseburgers.
Dave the Crackhead: Please, man! I'll suck yo dick!
Ashtray: [Disgusted] Ugh! Get outta here, man!
Ashtray: We didn't even do nothing.
Officer Self Hatred: What? You think you tough?
[pulls gun on Ashtray]
Officer Self Hatred: You ain't so tough now, little nigga. I hate your black bastards, you *stink*! I hate your black skin. I hate your black pants. I hate black pepper. I hate black keys on a piano. I hate my gums, because they're black. I hate Whoopi Goldberg's *lips*. I hate the back of Forrest Whittaker's neck. Huh? Most of all, I hate that black-ass Wesley Snipes.
Officer Self Hatred: What? You think you tough?
[pulls gun on Ashtray]
Officer Self Hatred: You ain't so tough now, little nigga. I hate your black bastards, you *stink*! I hate your black skin. I hate your black pants. I hate black pepper. I hate black keys on a piano. I hate my gums, because they're black. I hate Whoopi Goldberg's *lips*. I hate the back of Forrest Whittaker's neck. Huh? Most of all, I hate that black-ass Wesley Snipes.
Dave the Crackhead: Man, can you give directions to Grimshaw, man?
Loc Dog: Fool, you better get yo crusty behind away from me!
Dave the Crackhead: Man, I'll suck yo dick, man!
Loc Dog: What did you say to me?
Dave the Crackhead: I'll suck yo... dick, man!
[Loc Dog gives him a mean look]
Loc Dog: [moments later, a zipping sound is heard] Aw, man. Aight, so what you wanna do, my man, go to the corner, go about three blocks down, and make a right.
Loc Dog: Fool, you better get yo crusty behind away from me!
Dave the Crackhead: Man, I'll suck yo dick, man!
Loc Dog: What did you say to me?
Dave the Crackhead: I'll suck yo... dick, man!
[Loc Dog gives him a mean look]
Loc Dog: [moments later, a zipping sound is heard] Aw, man. Aight, so what you wanna do, my man, go to the corner, go about three blocks down, and make a right.
Ashtray: Loc Dog was America's worst nightmare, raised in a house with three generations of hopelessness, poverty... and profanity.
Loc Dog's Mom: Loc Dogg, turn that loud ass mothafuckin music down, you wakin up the fuckin babies, mothafucka. This still my mothafuckin house, mothafucka...
Loc Dog's Mom: Who tha fuck is that on my porch?
Loc Dog's Mom: Loc Dogg, turn that loud ass mothafuckin music down, you wakin up the fuckin babies, mothafucka. This still my mothafuckin house, mothafucka...
Loc Dog's Mom: Who tha fuck is that on my porch?
Ashtray: [about Dashiki] She wants me.
Loc Dog: Why you keep wasting your time with that trick? Tellin' you, you need someone with some class. Someone you can take home to step-mama. You know what I'm trying to say? Get yourself a real woman.
[he looks across the yard at a woman who is guzzling an entire forty]
Loc Dog: A real woman. Hey, Tray, you see that bitch over there?
Ashtray: I see her.
Loc Dog: Now, *that's* a lady. I bet you I can get her number.
Ashtray: Nigga, you ain't getting nobody's number.
Loc Dog: Fool, watch me.
[He walks over to the woman and smiles at her]
Loc Dog: Hey, sweetheart.
[Loc Dog pulls his gun out of his waistband and points it at her head]
Loc Dog: Break you'self! Gimme your goddamn number! Come on! Hurry up! Come on!
[She frantically writes her number down and gives it to him. He lowers his gun]
Loc Dog: Cool, cool, cool. So, um, I'm gonna give you a call about 5:00 all right?
[When she doesn't respond he points the gun at her head again]
Loc Dog: I said, all right?
A.K.: Y-Y-Yeah, yeah.
Loc Dog: All right, sweetheart. Take care of yourself, all right?
[He walks away and holds up the number so Ashtray can see it]
Loc Dog: I told you I'd get her number!
Loc Dog: Why you keep wasting your time with that trick? Tellin' you, you need someone with some class. Someone you can take home to step-mama. You know what I'm trying to say? Get yourself a real woman.
[he looks across the yard at a woman who is guzzling an entire forty]
Loc Dog: A real woman. Hey, Tray, you see that bitch over there?
Ashtray: I see her.
Loc Dog: Now, *that's* a lady. I bet you I can get her number.
Ashtray: Nigga, you ain't getting nobody's number.
Loc Dog: Fool, watch me.
[He walks over to the woman and smiles at her]
Loc Dog: Hey, sweetheart.
[Loc Dog pulls his gun out of his waistband and points it at her head]
Loc Dog: Break you'self! Gimme your goddamn number! Come on! Hurry up! Come on!
[She frantically writes her number down and gives it to him. He lowers his gun]
Loc Dog: Cool, cool, cool. So, um, I'm gonna give you a call about 5:00 all right?
[When she doesn't respond he points the gun at her head again]
Loc Dog: I said, all right?
A.K.: Y-Y-Yeah, yeah.
Loc Dog: All right, sweetheart. Take care of yourself, all right?
[He walks away and holds up the number so Ashtray can see it]
Loc Dog: I told you I'd get her number!
