Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo Quotes
A man becomes a male gigolo after being mistaken for one while housesitting a male gigolo's house.
T.J. Hicks: See this ring? Topaz, my mother's birthstone. Know where I got the money for it?
Deuce Bigalow: Where?
T.J. Hicks: Man-whoring! See this keychain? Mini yo-yo. Know where I got the money for it?
Deuce Bigalow: Man-whoring?
T.J. Hicks: Stock market! But I got the money for the stock market from man-whoring.
Deuce Bigalow: Where?
T.J. Hicks: Man-whoring! See this keychain? Mini yo-yo. Know where I got the money for it?
Deuce Bigalow: Man-whoring?
T.J. Hicks: Stock market! But I got the money for the stock market from man-whoring.
Kate: I don't see how it could possibly be pleasurable for a woman. I just don't think it's natural. You're not supposed to go up there. To tell you the truth, I don't know how men do it either.
Deuce Bigalow: You're not curious, just to try something new?
Kate: I'm just not into it.
Deuce Bigalow: So space exploration is definitely out for you?
Kate: Definitely. I mean, more power to any woman who wants to be an astronaut. I just wouldn't do it. Frankly, I'd rather take it up the butt.
Deuce Bigalow: You're not curious, just to try something new?
Kate: I'm just not into it.
Deuce Bigalow: So space exploration is definitely out for you?
Kate: Definitely. I mean, more power to any woman who wants to be an astronaut. I just wouldn't do it. Frankly, I'd rather take it up the butt.
Deuce Bigalow: Martini, two olives.
[looks around room]
Deuce Bigalow: Any ladies need some entertainment tonight?
Bartender: [sets the martini down] Eight fifty.
Deuce Bigalow: Eight dollars?
Bartender: And fifty cents.
Deuce Bigalow: How much just for a plain cranberry juice?
Bartender: Oh, three dollars.
Deuce Bigalow: Well I'll go for that.
Bartender: [sets the juice down] There you go. That's uh, eleven fifty.
Deuce Bigalow: Uh, no, no. Perhaps you misunderstood me. I wish to cancel my original order of the martini and two olives and go for just the plain cranberry juice, by itself, for the three dollars. And I apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused you.
Bartender: Uh, perhaps you don't understand. If you don't pay me now, I'm gonna take this swizzle stick, and uh, I'll be shoving that right up your pee hole.
[looks around room]
Deuce Bigalow: Any ladies need some entertainment tonight?
Bartender: [sets the martini down] Eight fifty.
Deuce Bigalow: Eight dollars?
Bartender: And fifty cents.
Deuce Bigalow: How much just for a plain cranberry juice?
Bartender: Oh, three dollars.
Deuce Bigalow: Well I'll go for that.
Bartender: [sets the juice down] There you go. That's uh, eleven fifty.
Deuce Bigalow: Uh, no, no. Perhaps you misunderstood me. I wish to cancel my original order of the martini and two olives and go for just the plain cranberry juice, by itself, for the three dollars. And I apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused you.
Bartender: Uh, perhaps you don't understand. If you don't pay me now, I'm gonna take this swizzle stick, and uh, I'll be shoving that right up your pee hole.
Bob Bigalow: The idea of a man-whore is a relatively new idea. Cologne?
Deuce Bigalow: No thanks.
Bob Bigalow: [loud fart in background] These women are looking for more than just sex. They want romance.
Deuce Bigalow: What do you mean?
Bob Bigalow: [another loud fart] Well, it was like when I met your mom, God rest her soul. I didn't have so much as a toilet to clean. Still, I wasn't going to pay her a dime for sex, no matter what she was charging.
Deuce Bigalow: What?
Bob Bigalow: [loud fart] Well your mom could've had any man she wanted in that strip club. And this being my first time in Bangkok, I was looking for a good time myself.
Deuce Bigalow: You met my mom where?
Bob Bigalow: It's not important.
[fart]
Bob Bigalow: The thing is, she saw something in me beyond the 200 baht. A man with an eye for adventure who wasn't afraid to risk it all.
Deuce Bigalow: Dad, are you saying that...
Bob Bigalow: [diarrhea splattering into toilet in background] So we took all her one-dollar bills off the stage, said good-bye to that donkey, and two days later we were man and wife. And we were happily married a long time.
Deuce Bigalow: So, do you think I should be more of a risk-taker?
Bob Bigalow: [toilet flushing] Worked for me.
Deuce Bigalow: Thanks, pops.
Deuce Bigalow: No thanks.
Bob Bigalow: [loud fart in background] These women are looking for more than just sex. They want romance.
Deuce Bigalow: What do you mean?
Bob Bigalow: [another loud fart] Well, it was like when I met your mom, God rest her soul. I didn't have so much as a toilet to clean. Still, I wasn't going to pay her a dime for sex, no matter what she was charging.
Deuce Bigalow: What?
Bob Bigalow: [loud fart] Well your mom could've had any man she wanted in that strip club. And this being my first time in Bangkok, I was looking for a good time myself.
Deuce Bigalow: You met my mom where?
Bob Bigalow: It's not important.
[fart]
Bob Bigalow: The thing is, she saw something in me beyond the 200 baht. A man with an eye for adventure who wasn't afraid to risk it all.
Deuce Bigalow: Dad, are you saying that...
Bob Bigalow: [diarrhea splattering into toilet in background] So we took all her one-dollar bills off the stage, said good-bye to that donkey, and two days later we were man and wife. And we were happily married a long time.
Deuce Bigalow: So, do you think I should be more of a risk-taker?
Bob Bigalow: [toilet flushing] Worked for me.
Deuce Bigalow: Thanks, pops.
T.J. Hicks: This next date is what we man-pimps call a doozy.
Deuce Bigalow: What's wrong with this one?
T.J. Hicks: Nothin'.
Deuce Bigalow: Have you seen her? What is she 80? A hunchback?
T.J. Hicks: She just got outta college. Some of her girlfriends pitched in to get her a little beefcake. She thinks it's a blind date.
Deuce Bigalow: It's a guy isn't it?
T.J. Hicks: I don't think so, but I have been fooled before.
Deuce Bigalow: What's wrong with this one?
T.J. Hicks: Nothin'.
Deuce Bigalow: Have you seen her? What is she 80? A hunchback?
T.J. Hicks: She just got outta college. Some of her girlfriends pitched in to get her a little beefcake. She thinks it's a blind date.
Deuce Bigalow: It's a guy isn't it?
T.J. Hicks: I don't think so, but I have been fooled before.
Detective Fowler: You better show some respect, or I'm gonna rip that little pleasure-giving tongue right out of your head! One more thing
[drops his pants]
Detective Fowler: I was at the precinct and I really had to use the John. And it's pretty filthy in there and I was in kind of a hurry, and I didn't have time to use one of those, you know, paper ass gaskets. I was doing my business, and something sort of splashed up on me, all over. What do you do in situations like that? You think I'll be alright?
Deuce Bigalow: I think you're pretty safe.
Detective Fowler: I'd better be!
[drops his pants]
Detective Fowler: I was at the precinct and I really had to use the John. And it's pretty filthy in there and I was in kind of a hurry, and I didn't have time to use one of those, you know, paper ass gaskets. I was doing my business, and something sort of splashed up on me, all over. What do you do in situations like that? You think I'll be alright?
Deuce Bigalow: I think you're pretty safe.
Detective Fowler: I'd better be!
Deuce Bigalow: I should have told you right from the start. But I was afraid.
Kate: Afraid of what?
Deuce Bigalow: Afraid that a girl as wonderful as you could never fall for a guy who cleans fish tanks, 'cause that's who I really am. This whole gigolo thing was just a mistake. But I'm glad it happened 'cause I never would have met you. I never would have known what love was. I'm sorry. I'm not perfect.
Kate: I'm not perfect either.
Deuce Bigalow: Yes you are. You're perfect in every way. I knew it the moment I met you.
[pulls out a folded envelope and reads]
Deuce Bigalow: "Kate, you have a smile that could melt an iceberg. Your lips are as sweet as honey. You may only have one leg, but it's the most beautiful leg in the world."
Kate: Afraid of what?
Deuce Bigalow: Afraid that a girl as wonderful as you could never fall for a guy who cleans fish tanks, 'cause that's who I really am. This whole gigolo thing was just a mistake. But I'm glad it happened 'cause I never would have met you. I never would have known what love was. I'm sorry. I'm not perfect.
Kate: I'm not perfect either.
Deuce Bigalow: Yes you are. You're perfect in every way. I knew it the moment I met you.
[pulls out a folded envelope and reads]
Deuce Bigalow: "Kate, you have a smile that could melt an iceberg. Your lips are as sweet as honey. You may only have one leg, but it's the most beautiful leg in the world."
Deuce Bigalow: If man-whoring has taught me anything, it's that most women are as unhappy with their entire body as you are with your small penis.
Detective Fowler: Thin penis.
Deuce Bigalow: Whatever. While you're worried about your penis...
Detective Fowler: Thin penis.
Deuce Bigalow: Women are worried about their height, their weight, their giant feet, the stream of obscenities that could burst through their mouth at any second. If you make a woman feel good about herself, it really doesn't matter what's wrong with you.
Detective Fowler: Even if it's really really thin? We're talkin' spaghetti stick.
Detective Fowler: Thin penis.
Deuce Bigalow: Whatever. While you're worried about your penis...
Detective Fowler: Thin penis.
Deuce Bigalow: Women are worried about their height, their weight, their giant feet, the stream of obscenities that could burst through their mouth at any second. If you make a woman feel good about herself, it really doesn't matter what's wrong with you.
Detective Fowler: Even if it's really really thin? We're talkin' spaghetti stick.
Vic: Bob, we have an overflowing toilet in the ladies' bathroom. There is shit everywhere. It's a real mess. You think you could get in there and take care of that for me?
Bob Bigalow: No worries, Vic. Right on it. I'd like you to meet my son's girlfriend, Kate.
Vic: Kate, nice to meet you. Hi Deuce. So could you get in there, Bob? I mean, I got a party of ten coming in, and I am up to my ankles in human crap. It's a real stinkfest back there.
Bob Bigalow: No worries, Vic. Right on it. I'd like you to meet my son's girlfriend, Kate.
Vic: Kate, nice to meet you. Hi Deuce. So could you get in there, Bob? I mean, I got a party of ten coming in, and I am up to my ankles in human crap. It's a real stinkfest back there.
Deuce Bigalow: Maybe we should take care of a little business first.
Claire: If you prefer.
Deuce Bigalow: I don't have a set price or anything, but I have been getting ten dollars.
Claire: I'm sorry?
Deuce Bigalow: Well that's my going rate. But I'm willing to negotiate.
Claire: [chuckles] That's funny. But the price is five hundred.
Deuce Bigalow: You're gonna pay me five hundred dollars?
Claire: No, honey, you pay me.
Deuce Bigalow: Oh, I get it. This is some kind of role reversal. I'll play along with this.
[deep voice]
Deuce Bigalow: Okay, 300, 400, 500, you're my hooker. No, seriously, where's my ten dollars?
Claire: If you prefer.
Deuce Bigalow: I don't have a set price or anything, but I have been getting ten dollars.
Claire: I'm sorry?
Deuce Bigalow: Well that's my going rate. But I'm willing to negotiate.
Claire: [chuckles] That's funny. But the price is five hundred.
Deuce Bigalow: You're gonna pay me five hundred dollars?
Claire: No, honey, you pay me.
Deuce Bigalow: Oh, I get it. This is some kind of role reversal. I'll play along with this.
[deep voice]
Deuce Bigalow: Okay, 300, 400, 500, you're my hooker. No, seriously, where's my ten dollars?
