Desperado Quotes
A gunslinger is embroiled in a war with a local drug runner.
Pick-up Guy: This reminds me of a joke. This guy comes into a bar, walks up to the bartender. Says, "Bartender, I got me a bet for you. I'm gonna bet you $300 that I can piss into that glass over there and not spill a single, solitary drop." The bartender looks. I mean, we're talking, like, this glass is like a good ten feet away. He says, "Now wait, let me get this strait. You're tryin' to tell me you'll bet me $300 that you can piss, standing over here, way over there into that glass, and not spill a single drop?" Customer looks up and says, "That's right." Bartender says, "Young man, you got a bet." The guy goes, "Okay, here we go. Here we go." Pulls out his thing. He's lookin' at the glass, man. He's thinkin' about the glass. He's thinkin' about the glass. Glass. He's thinkin' about the glass, glass. Thinkin' about his dick. Dick, glass, dick, glass, dick, glass, dick, glass, dick, glass, dick, glass, dick, glass. And then, *foosh*, he lets it rip. And he-he's pisses all over the place, man. He's pissin' on the bar. He pissin' on the stools, on the floor, on the phone, on the bartender! He's pissing everywhere *except* the fucking glass! Right? Okay. So, bartender, he's laughing his fuckin' ass off. He's $300 richer. He's like, "Ha, ha, ha, ha!" Piss dripping off his face. "Ha, ha, ha, ha!" He says, "You fucking idiot, man! You got it in everything except the glass! You owe me $300 punta." Guy goes, "Excuse me just one-one little second." Goes in the back of the bar. In back, there's a couple of guys playing pool. He walks over to them. Comes back to the bar. Goes, "Here you go, Mr. Bartender, 300." And the bartender's like, "What the fuck are you so happy about? You just lost $300, idiot!" The guy says, "Well, see those guys over there? I just bet them $500 a piece that I could piss on your bar, piss on your floor, piss on your phone, and piss on you, and not only would you not be mad about it, you'd be happy."
Short Bartender: What do you want?
Buscemi: Beer.
Short Bartender: All I got is piss-warm Chango.
Buscemi: That's my brand. Oh, this is damn good! Say, this is the best beer I've ever had. Actually...
Short Bartender: [ignoring him] You need anything over there?
Buscemi: I'm just glad to be alive right now. I was up a few towns away- you know Saragosa? I was visiting a bar there, not unlike this one. They serve beer, not quite as good as this, but close. And I saw something you wouldn't believe. I'm sitting there, see, small table all by myself. Now this bar, it's full of real low-lives. I mean, not like this place here. No, I mean bad. Like they were up to no good, know what I'm sayin'? Anyway, I'm all by myself, I like it that way. Meanwhile, things are going on... under the table kinds of things. Not too obvious, but, not too secret, either. So, I'm sitting there, and in walks the biggest Mexican I have ever seen. Big as shit. Just walks right in like he owns the place. Now, nobody knew quite what to make of him, or quite what to think. There he was and in he walked. He was dark, too. I don't mean dark-skinned. No, this was different. It was as if he was always walking in a shadow. I mean every step he took towards the light, just when you thought his face was about to be revealed, it wasn't. It was as if the lights dimmed, just for him.
Buscemi: Beer.
Short Bartender: All I got is piss-warm Chango.
Buscemi: That's my brand. Oh, this is damn good! Say, this is the best beer I've ever had. Actually...
Short Bartender: [ignoring him] You need anything over there?
Buscemi: I'm just glad to be alive right now. I was up a few towns away- you know Saragosa? I was visiting a bar there, not unlike this one. They serve beer, not quite as good as this, but close. And I saw something you wouldn't believe. I'm sitting there, see, small table all by myself. Now this bar, it's full of real low-lives. I mean, not like this place here. No, I mean bad. Like they were up to no good, know what I'm sayin'? Anyway, I'm all by myself, I like it that way. Meanwhile, things are going on... under the table kinds of things. Not too obvious, but, not too secret, either. So, I'm sitting there, and in walks the biggest Mexican I have ever seen. Big as shit. Just walks right in like he owns the place. Now, nobody knew quite what to make of him, or quite what to think. There he was and in he walked. He was dark, too. I don't mean dark-skinned. No, this was different. It was as if he was always walking in a shadow. I mean every step he took towards the light, just when you thought his face was about to be revealed, it wasn't. It was as if the lights dimmed, just for him.
[telling a story]
Buscemi: The stranger shot him, walked over to the bartender, paid, and left.
Short Bartender: So the bartender lived?
[laughing]
Short Bartender: The bartender never gets killed!
Buscemi: But as the stranger neared the door...
[Bartender pulls a shotgun. Stranger shoots bartender]
Buscemi: No man, bartender got it worse than anybody.
Buscemi: The stranger shot him, walked over to the bartender, paid, and left.
Short Bartender: So the bartender lived?
[laughing]
Short Bartender: The bartender never gets killed!
Buscemi: But as the stranger neared the door...
[Bartender pulls a shotgun. Stranger shoots bartender]
Buscemi: No man, bartender got it worse than anybody.
Buscemi: What happens when he's dead?
El Mariachi: When Bucho's dead... it's over. He is the last one.
Buscemi: End of payback? An eye for an eye and all that crap? You finally gonna be satisfied?
El Mariachi: I think so.
Buscemi: I hope so. 'Cause, I don't have the stomach for this anymore.
El Mariachi: You never did.
Buscemi: Neither did you.
El Mariachi: When Bucho's dead... it's over. He is the last one.
Buscemi: End of payback? An eye for an eye and all that crap? You finally gonna be satisfied?
El Mariachi: I think so.
Buscemi: I hope so. 'Cause, I don't have the stomach for this anymore.
El Mariachi: You never did.
Buscemi: Neither did you.
Bucho: [talking to his henchmen] It's one thing if you can't find someone running around the city hiding any place he chooses. I can understand that. What I can't understand is how you let him get away when you knew where he was! Now you drive around town. You see someone you don't know, you shoot them. How hard is that, huh?
[takes gun from Right Arm]
Bucho: Look over there.
[the henchmen look in different directions, unsure of where "over there" is]
Bucho: I don't know him. Never seen him before.
[the henchmen part, revealing Shrug]
Bucho: Look, he has a gun!
Shrug: [looks down at the gun tucked into his belt in dismay]
Bucho: Must be him!
Shrug: Hey...
Bucho: [shoots Shrug, then returns the gun to Right Arm] Now, how hard is that? It's that easy.
[takes gun from Right Arm]
Bucho: Look over there.
[the henchmen look in different directions, unsure of where "over there" is]
Bucho: I don't know him. Never seen him before.
[the henchmen part, revealing Shrug]
Bucho: Look, he has a gun!
Shrug: [looks down at the gun tucked into his belt in dismay]
Bucho: Must be him!
Shrug: Hey...
Bucho: [shoots Shrug, then returns the gun to Right Arm] Now, how hard is that? It's that easy.
