Death Proof Quotes
Two separate sets of voluptuous women are stalked at different times by a scarred stuntman who uses his "death proof" cars to execute his murderous plans.
Stuntman Mike: Well, Pam... Which way you going, left or right?
Pam: Right!
Stuntman Mike: Oh, that's too bad...
Pam: Why?
Stuntman Mike: Because it was a fifty fifty shot on wheter you'd be going left or right. You see we're both going left. You could have just as easily been going left, too. And if that was the case... It would have been a while before you started getting scared. But since you're going the other way, I'm afraid you're gonna have to start getting scared... immediately!
Pam: Right!
Stuntman Mike: Oh, that's too bad...
Pam: Why?
Stuntman Mike: Because it was a fifty fifty shot on wheter you'd be going left or right. You see we're both going left. You could have just as easily been going left, too. And if that was the case... It would have been a while before you started getting scared. But since you're going the other way, I'm afraid you're gonna have to start getting scared... immediately!
Stuntman Mike: [as he drives] Hey, Pam, remember when I said this car was death proof? Well, that wasn't a lie. This car is 100% death proof. Only to get the benefit of it, honey, you REALLY need to be sitting in my seat.
[slams his boot to the brake and sends Pam flying face-first into the dashboard]
[slams his boot to the brake and sends Pam flying face-first into the dashboard]
Lee: Did you know Kim carried a gun?
Abernathy: Yes. Now, do I approve? No. Do I know? Yes?
Kim: Look, I don't know what futuristic utopia you live in, but the world I live in, a bitch need a gun.
Abernathy: You can't get around the fact that people who carry guns, tend to get shot more than people who don't.
Kim: And you can't get around the fact that if I go down to the laundry room in my building at midnight enough times, I might get my ass raped.
Lee: Don't do your laundry at midnight.
Kim: Fuck that! I wanna do my laundry whenever the fuck I wanna do my laundry.
Abernathy: There are other things you can carry other than a gun. Pepper spray.
Kim: Uh, motherfucker tryna rape me? I don't wanna give him skin rash! I wanna shut that nigga down!
Abernathy: How about a knife at least?
Kim: Yeah, you know what happens to motherfuckers carry knives? They get shot! Look, if I ever become a famous actress, I wont carry a gun. I'll hire me a do-dirt nigga, and he'll carry the gun. And when shit goes down, I'll sit back and laugh, but until that day, it's Wild West motherfucker!
Abernathy: Yes. Now, do I approve? No. Do I know? Yes?
Kim: Look, I don't know what futuristic utopia you live in, but the world I live in, a bitch need a gun.
Abernathy: You can't get around the fact that people who carry guns, tend to get shot more than people who don't.
Kim: And you can't get around the fact that if I go down to the laundry room in my building at midnight enough times, I might get my ass raped.
Lee: Don't do your laundry at midnight.
Kim: Fuck that! I wanna do my laundry whenever the fuck I wanna do my laundry.
Abernathy: There are other things you can carry other than a gun. Pepper spray.
Kim: Uh, motherfucker tryna rape me? I don't wanna give him skin rash! I wanna shut that nigga down!
Abernathy: How about a knife at least?
Kim: Yeah, you know what happens to motherfuckers carry knives? They get shot! Look, if I ever become a famous actress, I wont carry a gun. I'll hire me a do-dirt nigga, and he'll carry the gun. And when shit goes down, I'll sit back and laugh, but until that day, it's Wild West motherfucker!
Jungle Julia: Sorry, it was a one-time only offer and she did it earlier this evening at Anton's.
Stuntman Mike: No, she didn't.
Arlene: How do you know?
Stuntman Mike: I'm good that way. And you look a little touché.
Arlene: What's touché?
Stuntman Mike: Wounded, slightly.
Arlene: Why sould I be wounded?
Stuntman Mike: Because you expected guys to be pestering you all night, but from your look I can tell nobody pestered you at all. That kind of hurt your feelings a little bit, didn't it? There are few things as fetching as a bruised ego on a beautiful angel.
[Arlene smiles]
Stuntman Mike: [slowly] So, how about that lap dance?
Arlene: I think I'm going to have to give you a rain check.
Stuntman Mike: Well, since you'll be leaving in the next couple of days, that rain check will be worthless. But that's okay. I understand if I make you uncomfortable. You're still a nice girl, and I still like you. But I must warn you of something - you know how people say "You're okay in my book" or "In my book, that's no good"? Well, I actually have a book.
[Stuntman Mike pulls out a little book from his back pocket]
Stuntman Mike: And everybody I ever meet goes in this book. And, now I've met you, and you're going in the book! Except, I'm afraid I must file you... under... "chicken shit."
Arlene: [grabbing the book] And what if I did it?
Stuntman Mike: Well, definitely couldn't file you under "chicken shit" then, now, could I?
Arlene: What's your name again?
Stuntman Mike: [quietly] Stuntman Mike.
Arlene: Well, Stuntman Mike, I'm Butterfly. My friend Jungle Julia over here says that jukebox inside is pretty impressive.
Stuntman Mike: Yeah, it is.
Arlene: Yeah.
[hands Stuntman Mike back his book]
Arlene: Why don't you get ready for your lapdance?
Stuntman Mike: No, she didn't.
Arlene: How do you know?
Stuntman Mike: I'm good that way. And you look a little touché.
Arlene: What's touché?
Stuntman Mike: Wounded, slightly.
Arlene: Why sould I be wounded?
Stuntman Mike: Because you expected guys to be pestering you all night, but from your look I can tell nobody pestered you at all. That kind of hurt your feelings a little bit, didn't it? There are few things as fetching as a bruised ego on a beautiful angel.
[Arlene smiles]
Stuntman Mike: [slowly] So, how about that lap dance?
Arlene: I think I'm going to have to give you a rain check.
Stuntman Mike: Well, since you'll be leaving in the next couple of days, that rain check will be worthless. But that's okay. I understand if I make you uncomfortable. You're still a nice girl, and I still like you. But I must warn you of something - you know how people say "You're okay in my book" or "In my book, that's no good"? Well, I actually have a book.
[Stuntman Mike pulls out a little book from his back pocket]
Stuntman Mike: And everybody I ever meet goes in this book. And, now I've met you, and you're going in the book! Except, I'm afraid I must file you... under... "chicken shit."
Arlene: [grabbing the book] And what if I did it?
Stuntman Mike: Well, definitely couldn't file you under "chicken shit" then, now, could I?
Arlene: What's your name again?
Stuntman Mike: [quietly] Stuntman Mike.
Arlene: Well, Stuntman Mike, I'm Butterfly. My friend Jungle Julia over here says that jukebox inside is pretty impressive.
Stuntman Mike: Yeah, it is.
Arlene: Yeah.
[hands Stuntman Mike back his book]
Arlene: Why don't you get ready for your lapdance?
Jungle Julia: [to Arlene] I think you got Mike laid tonight.
[the two of them laugh]
Jungle Julia: [to Stuntman Mike] Looking good, Cannonball Run!
Pam: He's just giving me a ride.
Jungle Julia: Oh, no doubt.
Arlene: [waves to them] Have a nice ride.
[they go back to laughing]
Pam: Look, double-fucks...
[she approaches them]
Pam: ...I am not gonna fuck him!
Stuntman Mike: [as he lights a cigarette] I can hear you!
[Jungle Julia and Arlene laugh and Pam approaches even closer]
Pam: He's old enough to be my da...
Stuntman Mike: I can still hear you!
[the girls go back to laughing]
Pam: Bye!
[the two of them laugh]
Jungle Julia: [to Stuntman Mike] Looking good, Cannonball Run!
Pam: He's just giving me a ride.
Jungle Julia: Oh, no doubt.
Arlene: [waves to them] Have a nice ride.
[they go back to laughing]
Pam: Look, double-fucks...
[she approaches them]
Pam: ...I am not gonna fuck him!
Stuntman Mike: [as he lights a cigarette] I can hear you!
[Jungle Julia and Arlene laugh and Pam approaches even closer]
Pam: He's old enough to be my da...
Stuntman Mike: I can still hear you!
[the girls go back to laughing]
Pam: Bye!
Stuntman Mike: [handing Arlene and Jungle Julia beers] Cheers, Butterfly. The woods are lovely, dark, and deep. And I have promises to keep. Miles to go before I sleep. Did you hear me, Butterfly? Miles to go, before you sleep.
Jungle Julia: Sorry, Stuntman Burt...
Stuntman Mike: [angrily interrupting her] Mike.
Jungle Julia: Mike. She already broke off that dance.
Stuntman Mike: Is that true? Did I... miss my chance?
[Arlene doesn't respond]
Stuntman Mike: Do I frighten you?
[Arlene silently nods]
Stuntman Mike: Is it my scar?
Arlene: It's your car.
Stuntman Mike: Yeah, I know. Sorry, it's my mom's car.
Arlene: Have you been following us?
Stuntman Mike: No, but that's what I love about Austin - it's just so damn small.
Jungle Julia: [to Arlene] You seen this guy before?
Arlene: I saw him outside of Gueros.
Stuntman Mike: I saw you outside of Gueros, too. You saw my car, I saw your legs. Now look, I ain't stalking you all, but I didn't say that I wasn't a wolf.
Arlene: So you really weren't following us?
Stuntman Mike: I'm not following you, Butterfly. I just... got lucky. So, how about that lap dance?
Jungle Julia: Sorry, Stuntman Burt...
Stuntman Mike: [angrily interrupting her] Mike.
Jungle Julia: Mike. She already broke off that dance.
Stuntman Mike: Is that true? Did I... miss my chance?
[Arlene doesn't respond]
Stuntman Mike: Do I frighten you?
[Arlene silently nods]
Stuntman Mike: Is it my scar?
Arlene: It's your car.
Stuntman Mike: Yeah, I know. Sorry, it's my mom's car.
Arlene: Have you been following us?
Stuntman Mike: No, but that's what I love about Austin - it's just so damn small.
Jungle Julia: [to Arlene] You seen this guy before?
Arlene: I saw him outside of Gueros.
Stuntman Mike: I saw you outside of Gueros, too. You saw my car, I saw your legs. Now look, I ain't stalking you all, but I didn't say that I wasn't a wolf.
Arlene: So you really weren't following us?
Stuntman Mike: I'm not following you, Butterfly. I just... got lucky. So, how about that lap dance?
Zoë: If he lets us take it out on our own, I want to play ship's mast.
Kim: Oh HELL no! There ain't no way I'm doing ship's mast.
Zoë: For Christ Sake's, Kim...
Kim: Don't blaspheme!
Zoë: Sorry...
Kim: Now, what did you say after the last time?
Zoë: I know what I said.
Kim: What did you say?
Zoë: I know I said we shouldn't do this again.
Kim: No, you didn't say we shouldn't, you said we ain't EVER gonna do that again!
Zoë: Yeah, but...
Kim: But my ass! You said, not only are we never gonna play ship's mast again, but you also said, if you ever do what you're trying to do now, to not only refuse, but that I had permission to physically restrain your ass if necessary. Now, did you or did you not say that?
Zoë: Well...
Kim: No, no no no, answer the question mother fucker, did you or did you not say that?
Zoë: Yes, I said that, however...
Kim: Whatever with your however.
Zoë: I know I said it, and I know I meant it.
Kim: Damn skippy you meant it!
Zoë: But when I said it, I didn't mean in America.
Kim: Oh, nigga please!
Zoë: Really, I meant we should never play ship's mast again in New Zealand or in Australia.
Kim: You are such a liar!
Zoë: Look, I know what I said when I said it. But when I said it, I didn't know I'd ever come to America. And when I said it, if had I known that I was gonna come to America and have the chance to play ship's mast on a fucking Vanishing Point Challenger, I would have added a however. Right?
Kim: Okay, oddly enough, I actually understood that, however, just because you've talked yourself into some stupid shit, doesn't mean I'm out of my Goddamned mind. You need two people to play ship's mast, and I ain't playing.
Kim: Oh HELL no! There ain't no way I'm doing ship's mast.
Zoë: For Christ Sake's, Kim...
Kim: Don't blaspheme!
Zoë: Sorry...
Kim: Now, what did you say after the last time?
Zoë: I know what I said.
Kim: What did you say?
Zoë: I know I said we shouldn't do this again.
Kim: No, you didn't say we shouldn't, you said we ain't EVER gonna do that again!
Zoë: Yeah, but...
Kim: But my ass! You said, not only are we never gonna play ship's mast again, but you also said, if you ever do what you're trying to do now, to not only refuse, but that I had permission to physically restrain your ass if necessary. Now, did you or did you not say that?
Zoë: Well...
Kim: No, no no no, answer the question mother fucker, did you or did you not say that?
Zoë: Yes, I said that, however...
Kim: Whatever with your however.
Zoë: I know I said it, and I know I meant it.
Kim: Damn skippy you meant it!
Zoë: But when I said it, I didn't mean in America.
Kim: Oh, nigga please!
Zoë: Really, I meant we should never play ship's mast again in New Zealand or in Australia.
Kim: You are such a liar!
Zoë: Look, I know what I said when I said it. But when I said it, I didn't know I'd ever come to America. And when I said it, if had I known that I was gonna come to America and have the chance to play ship's mast on a fucking Vanishing Point Challenger, I would have added a however. Right?
Kim: Okay, oddly enough, I actually understood that, however, just because you've talked yourself into some stupid shit, doesn't mean I'm out of my Goddamned mind. You need two people to play ship's mast, and I ain't playing.
Jungle Julia: What happened with you and Nate last night?
Arlene: Not much. I mean, we just fucking met each other. If you don't bust their balls a little bit they're never gonna respect you.
Jungle Julia: Okay, we're pretty clear on what you did do, how about enlightening us on what you did do?
Arlene: Nothing to write home about. We just made out on the couch for about twenty minutes.
Shanna: Dressed, half dressed or naked?
Arlene: Dressed. I said we made out. We didn't do "the thing".
Jungle Julia: Excuse me for living, but what is "the thing"?
Arlene: You know, it's everything but.
Shanna: They call it "the thing"?
Arlene: I call it the thing.
Shanna: Do guys like the thing?
Arlene: They like it better than no thing.
Arlene: Not much. I mean, we just fucking met each other. If you don't bust their balls a little bit they're never gonna respect you.
Jungle Julia: Okay, we're pretty clear on what you did do, how about enlightening us on what you did do?
Arlene: Nothing to write home about. We just made out on the couch for about twenty minutes.
Shanna: Dressed, half dressed or naked?
Arlene: Dressed. I said we made out. We didn't do "the thing".
Jungle Julia: Excuse me for living, but what is "the thing"?
Arlene: You know, it's everything but.
Shanna: They call it "the thing"?
Arlene: I call it the thing.
Shanna: Do guys like the thing?
Arlene: They like it better than no thing.
Shanna: Okay, mean girl in a high school movie. You through havin' a tantrum?
Jungle Julia: I'm not havin' a tantrum.
Shanna: Yes you are! You've been in the car all of two seconds and you're already cursin' at me.
Jungle Julia: I am not cursin' at you.
Shanna: You said: Jesus Christ, Shanna. And then before the sentence was over you threw a fuckin' in there to emphasize your irritatedness.
Jungle Julia: I'm not havin' a tantrum.
Shanna: Yes you are! You've been in the car all of two seconds and you're already cursin' at me.
Jungle Julia: I am not cursin' at you.
Shanna: You said: Jesus Christ, Shanna. And then before the sentence was over you threw a fuckin' in there to emphasize your irritatedness.
Earl McGraw: [regarding Stuntman Mike's impunity] I'm gonna' tell you like The LORD told John: If he ever does it again, I can be goddamn sure he don't ever do it again in Texas.
[superfast cut to title card reading, "Lebanon... Tennessee... 14 Months Later" - title card cuts to Stuntman Mike, alive and well, driving a black 1969 Charger; "death-proofed," no doubt]
[superfast cut to title card reading, "Lebanon... Tennessee... 14 Months Later" - title card cuts to Stuntman Mike, alive and well, driving a black 1969 Charger; "death-proofed," no doubt]
Stuntman Mike: [after getting shot by Zoe and speeding off. He drives to a remote road, and observes his wound in his arm in pain] AAAAHHHH!
Stuntman Mike: AHHH, GOD! No! No, no, no!
Stuntman Mike: [Tries touching the wound] AAHHHHHH! No, God!
Stuntman Mike: [Pulls a whiskey bottle out of his glove compartment, and tries to open it with his teeth] Ah, come on! Come on!
Stuntman Mike: [Drinks the whiskey, then pours it on his arm] AAAAAAAAHHHHHH! God! AAHH! No, no! No, God!
[Calms down]
Stuntman Mike: Okay, get it together man...! Come on, what are you? What're you gonna do...? God...!
Stuntman Mike: AHHH, GOD! No! No, no, no!
Stuntman Mike: [Tries touching the wound] AAHHHHHH! No, God!
Stuntman Mike: [Pulls a whiskey bottle out of his glove compartment, and tries to open it with his teeth] Ah, come on! Come on!
Stuntman Mike: [Drinks the whiskey, then pours it on his arm] AAAAAAAAHHHHHH! God! AAHH! No, no! No, God!
[Calms down]
Stuntman Mike: Okay, get it together man...! Come on, what are you? What're you gonna do...? God...!
Lee: [Zoe asks Kim if she still has her gun] You carry a gun?
Kim: Hell yeah.
Lee: Well... do you have a license to carry that?
Kim: [Zoe laughs quietly] Uh, yeah... they gave it to me after I became a Secret Service Agent...
Lee: Oh, I didn't know that -
[Zoe laughs some more]
Lee: [Lee turns to Abernathy] Did you know that she carried a gun?
Abernathy: Yes. Now, do I approve? No. But, do I know? Yes.
Kim: Well, look, I don't know what futuristic utopia you live in, but where I live, a bitch need a gun! If I go down at midnight to do my laundry, I might get my ass raped!
Lee: [the girls laugh] Don't do your laundry at midnight, then.
Kim: Fuck that! I'll do my fucking laundry whenever the fuck I wanna do my laundry!
Kim: Hell yeah.
Lee: Well... do you have a license to carry that?
Kim: [Zoe laughs quietly] Uh, yeah... they gave it to me after I became a Secret Service Agent...
Lee: Oh, I didn't know that -
[Zoe laughs some more]
Lee: [Lee turns to Abernathy] Did you know that she carried a gun?
Abernathy: Yes. Now, do I approve? No. But, do I know? Yes.
Kim: Well, look, I don't know what futuristic utopia you live in, but where I live, a bitch need a gun! If I go down at midnight to do my laundry, I might get my ass raped!
Lee: [the girls laugh] Don't do your laundry at midnight, then.
Kim: Fuck that! I'll do my fucking laundry whenever the fuck I wanna do my laundry!
Lee: [to Zoë] I'm sorry, but what is "home"? Is that Australia, right?
Zoë: [seemingly offended] What do you mean by that, mate?
Abernathy: Zoë's from New Zealand. And you never, I repeat, NEVER, call a Kiwi an Aussie.
Kim: Not unless you wanna get your ass kicked.
Lee: I'm so sorry, I really am.
Zoë: [Abby, Zoë and Kim laugh] We're just taking the piss out of you, mate!
Zoë: [seemingly offended] What do you mean by that, mate?
Abernathy: Zoë's from New Zealand. And you never, I repeat, NEVER, call a Kiwi an Aussie.
Kim: Not unless you wanna get your ass kicked.
Lee: I'm so sorry, I really am.
Zoë: [Abby, Zoë and Kim laugh] We're just taking the piss out of you, mate!
Jungle Julia: Okay, we're pretty clear on what it is you didn't do. How bout' enlightening us on what it is you did do?
Arlene: Nothing to write home about. We just made out on the couch for about twenty minutes.
Shanna: Dressed, half dressed, or naked?
Arlene: Dressed! I said we made out. We didn't do "the thing".
Jungle Julia: Excuse me for living, but what is "the thing"?
Arlene: You know, it's everything but.
Shanna: They call that "the thing"?
Arlene: I call it "the thing".
Shanna: Do guys like "the thing"?
Arlene: They like it better than no thing.
Arlene: Nothing to write home about. We just made out on the couch for about twenty minutes.
Shanna: Dressed, half dressed, or naked?
Arlene: Dressed! I said we made out. We didn't do "the thing".
Jungle Julia: Excuse me for living, but what is "the thing"?
Arlene: You know, it's everything but.
Shanna: They call that "the thing"?
Arlene: I call it "the thing".
Shanna: Do guys like "the thing"?
Arlene: They like it better than no thing.
Jasper: Why's she dressed like that?
Abernathy: Well, you see, we're making a Hollywood movie in town, and it's a cheerleading movie and she's one of the cheerleaders.
Jasper: What's a cheerleader movie?
Abernathy: A movie about cheerleaders.
Jasper: Is it a porno movie?
Abernathy: Yes, it is, but don't mention it. She's shy.
Abernathy: Well, you see, we're making a Hollywood movie in town, and it's a cheerleading movie and she's one of the cheerleaders.
Jasper: What's a cheerleader movie?
Abernathy: A movie about cheerleaders.
Jasper: Is it a porno movie?
Abernathy: Yes, it is, but don't mention it. She's shy.
Jungle Julia: Who's holding?
Shanna: If you're not, then nobody.
Arlene: We were kinda hoping you were.
Shanna: Yeah, how are you not holding?
Jungle Julia: Jesus Christ, Shanna, it is not my fuckin' job to supply y'all with weed whenever we go out.
Shanna: Whoa, whoa whoa, little lady, you're gettin' angry kinda quick, doncha think? I was just teasin' you!
Jungle Julia: I'm not angry, it would be nice if y'all didn't just count on me all the fucking time and surprise me every once in a while with pot.
Shanna: Okay, mean girl in a high school movie, are you through havin' a tantrum?
Jungle Julia: I'm not having a tantrum.
Shanna: Yes, you are! You've been in the car all of two seconds and you're already cursin' at me!
Jungle Julia: I am not cursing at you.
Shanna: You said "Jesus Christ Shanna". And before the sentence was over, ya threw a fuckin' in there to emphasize your irritatedness.
Arlene: Alright, c'mon guys, don't fight, I'll pay for it when we get some.
Shanna: If you're not, then nobody.
Arlene: We were kinda hoping you were.
Shanna: Yeah, how are you not holding?
Jungle Julia: Jesus Christ, Shanna, it is not my fuckin' job to supply y'all with weed whenever we go out.
Shanna: Whoa, whoa whoa, little lady, you're gettin' angry kinda quick, doncha think? I was just teasin' you!
Jungle Julia: I'm not angry, it would be nice if y'all didn't just count on me all the fucking time and surprise me every once in a while with pot.
Shanna: Okay, mean girl in a high school movie, are you through havin' a tantrum?
Jungle Julia: I'm not having a tantrum.
Shanna: Yes, you are! You've been in the car all of two seconds and you're already cursin' at me!
Jungle Julia: I am not cursing at you.
Shanna: You said "Jesus Christ Shanna". And before the sentence was over, ya threw a fuckin' in there to emphasize your irritatedness.
Arlene: Alright, c'mon guys, don't fight, I'll pay for it when we get some.
Zoë: I'll be your best friend!
Kim: I don't need me no best friend who lives on the other side of planet Earth.
Zoë: I'll crack your back.
Kim: You'll crack it anyway.
Zoë: Well, of course I'll crack it anyway. But now, while I'm here, I'll be your back cracking slave. Whenever you want it, you got it, you don't even have to ask for it. You just order me to do it, just be like, "bitch, get over here and get busy!"
Kim: You crack my back, you give me foot massages, and after a shower, you put moisturizer on my butt.
Zoë: Deal.
Kim: I don't need me no best friend who lives on the other side of planet Earth.
Zoë: I'll crack your back.
Kim: You'll crack it anyway.
Zoë: Well, of course I'll crack it anyway. But now, while I'm here, I'll be your back cracking slave. Whenever you want it, you got it, you don't even have to ask for it. You just order me to do it, just be like, "bitch, get over here and get busy!"
Kim: You crack my back, you give me foot massages, and after a shower, you put moisturizer on my butt.
Zoë: Deal.
Arlene: Who do you want to hear?
Jungle Julia: Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick and Tich.
Arlene: Who?
Jungle Julia: Dave, Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick and Tich.
Arlene: Who the fuck are they?
Jungle Julia: For your information, Pete Townshend, at one point, almost quit The Who. And if he had, he would have ended up in this group, thus making it Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick, Tich and Pete. And if you ask me, he should have.
[flips on the radio to hear "Hold Tight" by Dave, Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick & Tich]
Jungle Julia: That's my boy!
Jungle Julia: Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick and Tich.
Arlene: Who?
Jungle Julia: Dave, Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick and Tich.
Arlene: Who the fuck are they?
Jungle Julia: For your information, Pete Townshend, at one point, almost quit The Who. And if he had, he would have ended up in this group, thus making it Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick, Tich and Pete. And if you ask me, he should have.
[flips on the radio to hear "Hold Tight" by Dave, Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick & Tich]
Jungle Julia: That's my boy!
Dov: So is it Shawna and the girls at lake house this weekend?
Shanna: Shawna?
Dov: Awww fuck, I didn...
Shanna: No. Now there is one thing every girl in the whole world whose name is Shanna has in common with each other - we all hate the name Shawna. And we really hate when people call us Shawna. Remember it's Shanna banana not Shawna banawna.
Shanna: Shawna?
Dov: Awww fuck, I didn...
Shanna: No. Now there is one thing every girl in the whole world whose name is Shanna has in common with each other - we all hate the name Shawna. And we really hate when people call us Shawna. Remember it's Shanna banana not Shawna banawna.
Abernathy: Zoe, Kim and I were in the Philippines at an outdoor rave.
Lee: What were you working on?
Kim: Three Kicks to the Head Part Three
Abernathy: And admittedly, we're a little fucked up.
Zoë: Cheers to that.
Abernathy: So Zoe, the genius wants to take a picture of me, now it's dark, and you can't see shit. So she's got her camera and keeps saying "Step back a little" so I do, "A little further!" so I step back a little further. "A little more!" so I do. Then I realized, I'm right at the edge of a seven foot concrete ditch with god knows how many rocks and broken bottles and rats in it, and if I fell in that fucking thing, I would have probably broken my fucking neck. So I'm yelling at her, "Zoe, you almost killed me!" so we laugh about it, walk a little further, and Zoe starts fucking around, and bam, if she doesn't fall in the fucking ditch.
Zoë: I remember taking a step, looking down, just as I'm thinking "Oh, there's that ditch everyone was talking about!" bam, I'm in the fucking ditch, you know?
Lee: So what happened?
Abernathy: What, with Zoe the cat? Nothing. If I fell in that fucking thing, they would have had to helicopter me out of there. Zoe just lands on her fucking feet. But then later, I started feeling a little down about myself. I mean, Zoe falls in the ditch and it's nothing, we're laughing about it. If I fell in that fucking thing, I probably would have been fucking paralyzed.
Lee: Oh, well you can't think like that. You know, we all have our individual talents, and that just happens to be one of Zoe's.
Kim: Well, physically speaking, Zoe is amazing. I mean, agility, reflexes, nimbleness, there's few human beings who could fuck with Zoe on that front.
Zoë: Aw, Kim, I like you too.
Kim: Having said that, before you get too envious of Zoe's prowess, you're missing the most important part of that story. You didn't fall in the ditch, Zoe did. Zoe even knew there was a ditch there because you told her and she still fell in it. So, Lee's right, we all have our talents.
Zoë: Hey, I resemble that remark.
Lee: What were you working on?
Kim: Three Kicks to the Head Part Three
Abernathy: And admittedly, we're a little fucked up.
Zoë: Cheers to that.
Abernathy: So Zoe, the genius wants to take a picture of me, now it's dark, and you can't see shit. So she's got her camera and keeps saying "Step back a little" so I do, "A little further!" so I step back a little further. "A little more!" so I do. Then I realized, I'm right at the edge of a seven foot concrete ditch with god knows how many rocks and broken bottles and rats in it, and if I fell in that fucking thing, I would have probably broken my fucking neck. So I'm yelling at her, "Zoe, you almost killed me!" so we laugh about it, walk a little further, and Zoe starts fucking around, and bam, if she doesn't fall in the fucking ditch.
Zoë: I remember taking a step, looking down, just as I'm thinking "Oh, there's that ditch everyone was talking about!" bam, I'm in the fucking ditch, you know?
Lee: So what happened?
Abernathy: What, with Zoe the cat? Nothing. If I fell in that fucking thing, they would have had to helicopter me out of there. Zoe just lands on her fucking feet. But then later, I started feeling a little down about myself. I mean, Zoe falls in the ditch and it's nothing, we're laughing about it. If I fell in that fucking thing, I probably would have been fucking paralyzed.
Lee: Oh, well you can't think like that. You know, we all have our individual talents, and that just happens to be one of Zoe's.
Kim: Well, physically speaking, Zoe is amazing. I mean, agility, reflexes, nimbleness, there's few human beings who could fuck with Zoe on that front.
Zoë: Aw, Kim, I like you too.
Kim: Having said that, before you get too envious of Zoe's prowess, you're missing the most important part of that story. You didn't fall in the ditch, Zoe did. Zoe even knew there was a ditch there because you told her and she still fell in it. So, Lee's right, we all have our talents.
Zoë: Hey, I resemble that remark.
Kim: [Before they play Ship's Mast. Kim turns to Zoe; both are sitting in the front seat, and Abernathy sits in the back seat, unaware of what they are about to do] You thinking what I'm thinking?
Zoë: I think I'm thinking...
Abernathy: What are you thinking?
Zoë: I'm thinking we told your ass to shut the fuck up!
Zoë: I think I'm thinking...
Abernathy: What are you thinking?
Zoë: I'm thinking we told your ass to shut the fuck up!
Abernathy: The answer to your question, is no, of course not.
Zoë: What do you mean "no of course not?"
Abernathy: The reason Cecil hasn't had a girlfriend in six years, is because girls will fuck him. And if you fuck Cecil, you don't become one of his girlfriends. Not to say I want to be his girlfriend, but if I did want to be his girlfriend, if I fucked him, I wouldn't be his girlfriend, I'd be one of his regulars. And I'm getting too fucking old for that shit.
Zoë: Have you let him do anything?
Abernathy: Yes! I've let him give me a foot massage, and when we go to the movies, I let him hold my hand.
Kim: Bitch, you might be acting like you're twelve years old, but he is acting like a man. You need to break the nigga off a piece.
Zoë: Let me get this straight, you're not fucking him, you're not sucking him, you're not giving him any tongue, but Darryl Hannah's stand in is?
Abernathy: Okay, can we just take my sex life off the table?
Zoë: Actually, it was Cecil's sex life that was on the table, and your lack of one.
Kim: HAHA.
Abernathy: Okay, fuck both of you and your little high five.
Kim: Before you can claim a nigga, you got to claim a nigga. And you can start by giving the mother fucker a hand job on the back of the van on Tuesday.
Abernathy: I'm not gonna do that.
Kim: I know you won't, but you know who will? The bitch that ends up living in that big ass mansion of his.
Lee: Now I gotta say, I haven't agreed with everything that Kim's said, but it is true, if you stretched it out what you have with Cecil, if you suddenly get dirty on him, it blows their minds...
Zoë: What do you mean "no of course not?"
Abernathy: The reason Cecil hasn't had a girlfriend in six years, is because girls will fuck him. And if you fuck Cecil, you don't become one of his girlfriends. Not to say I want to be his girlfriend, but if I did want to be his girlfriend, if I fucked him, I wouldn't be his girlfriend, I'd be one of his regulars. And I'm getting too fucking old for that shit.
Zoë: Have you let him do anything?
Abernathy: Yes! I've let him give me a foot massage, and when we go to the movies, I let him hold my hand.
Kim: Bitch, you might be acting like you're twelve years old, but he is acting like a man. You need to break the nigga off a piece.
Zoë: Let me get this straight, you're not fucking him, you're not sucking him, you're not giving him any tongue, but Darryl Hannah's stand in is?
Abernathy: Okay, can we just take my sex life off the table?
Zoë: Actually, it was Cecil's sex life that was on the table, and your lack of one.
Kim: HAHA.
Abernathy: Okay, fuck both of you and your little high five.
Kim: Before you can claim a nigga, you got to claim a nigga. And you can start by giving the mother fucker a hand job on the back of the van on Tuesday.
Abernathy: I'm not gonna do that.
Kim: I know you won't, but you know who will? The bitch that ends up living in that big ass mansion of his.
Lee: Now I gotta say, I haven't agreed with everything that Kim's said, but it is true, if you stretched it out what you have with Cecil, if you suddenly get dirty on him, it blows their minds...
Nate: [surprising her on the porch in front of the bar] I was thinking we can make out?
Arlene: What, on a porch? Not even in the bar, but in front of the entrance? Forget it.
Nate: No, in my car!
[points to the parked cars in front of the bar]
Arlene: What, out there? It's fucking 'Nam out there.
[heavy rain in the background]
Nate: Not in my car, it's not.
[pause]
Nate: Look, you won't get wet.
[puts up an umbrella]
Nate: I promise you.
Arlene: [grins] You know, most guys wouldn't brag about that.
Arlene: What, on a porch? Not even in the bar, but in front of the entrance? Forget it.
Nate: No, in my car!
[points to the parked cars in front of the bar]
Arlene: What, out there? It's fucking 'Nam out there.
[heavy rain in the background]
Nate: Not in my car, it's not.
[pause]
Nate: Look, you won't get wet.
[puts up an umbrella]
Nate: I promise you.
Arlene: [grins] You know, most guys wouldn't brag about that.
Dov: Dude, as long as a guy's buyin' the booze, a fuckin' bitch'll drink anything. C'mon, we can at least get one shot of Jager down these fucking bitches' throats. After that, we'll see if they get another Jager shot in them. You never know. That could be the shot that puts them past the point of "fuck it."
Omar: Then all of a sudden "no guys at the lake house" turns into a couple of guys at the lake house.
Dov: My point exactly. And I know I can at least get Shanna "Suck My" Banana to do a fucking Buttery Nipple shot. What's Julia's sweet shot?
Omar: ...Key Lime Pie.
Dov: Oh come on dude, even fucking Leroy Brown would do one more for dessert.
Omar: Then all of a sudden "no guys at the lake house" turns into a couple of guys at the lake house.
Dov: My point exactly. And I know I can at least get Shanna "Suck My" Banana to do a fucking Buttery Nipple shot. What's Julia's sweet shot?
Omar: ...Key Lime Pie.
Dov: Oh come on dude, even fucking Leroy Brown would do one more for dessert.
Dov: [making fun of Stuntman Mike] Dude, check it out. I wonder if BJ brought the bear with him.
Omar: [laughing] Jesus.
Dov: [singing] East bound and down...
[they laugh]
Dov: [noticing his scar] Dude fucking cut himself falling out of his time machine.
[they laugh some more]
Dov: [to bartender] Hi, could I get a chicken suit for "Stroker Ace", please?
Omar: [laughing] Jesus.
Dov: [singing] East bound and down...
[they laugh]
Dov: [noticing his scar] Dude fucking cut himself falling out of his time machine.
[they laugh some more]
Dov: [to bartender] Hi, could I get a chicken suit for "Stroker Ace", please?
Abernathy: Listen to this, the Circle A clerk has this month's issue of Italian Vogue.
Lee: No way!
Abernathy: Way.
Lee: I can't belive a fucking Circle A clerk carries Italian Vogue.
Abernathy: It doesn't. It's his own personal copy. He'll let it go for 27 bucks.
Lee: [scoffs] 27 bucks?
Abernathy: What the fuck do you care? We're talking about fucking per diem here. We found an issue of Italian Vogue in Lebanon, Tennessee. We're lucky he's not asking for fuckin' Krugerrands. I'm getting it, and we're splitting it three ways.
Lee: What? Me, you, and Kim?
Abernathy: No. Kim doesn't give a shit about Italian Vogue. But Brandy will come in with us, and if she won't, Tyson, her assistant, will.
Lee: Okay, but if anyone tears out any sheets that I want, you gotta make color Xerox copies of those pages, and I'm not talkin' fuckin' Kinko's here either. You take it to the art department and have them do it fucking right.
Lee: No way!
Abernathy: Way.
Lee: I can't belive a fucking Circle A clerk carries Italian Vogue.
Abernathy: It doesn't. It's his own personal copy. He'll let it go for 27 bucks.
Lee: [scoffs] 27 bucks?
Abernathy: What the fuck do you care? We're talking about fucking per diem here. We found an issue of Italian Vogue in Lebanon, Tennessee. We're lucky he's not asking for fuckin' Krugerrands. I'm getting it, and we're splitting it three ways.
Lee: What? Me, you, and Kim?
Abernathy: No. Kim doesn't give a shit about Italian Vogue. But Brandy will come in with us, and if she won't, Tyson, her assistant, will.
Lee: Okay, but if anyone tears out any sheets that I want, you gotta make color Xerox copies of those pages, and I'm not talkin' fuckin' Kinko's here either. You take it to the art department and have them do it fucking right.
Shanna: Remember: no hookin' up tonight. You can hang with 'em, you can make out with 'em, but no hookin' up with 'em, because we are driving to Lake LBJ tonight, and my daddy's pretty clear on one thing. He said "Ah am lettin' you and your *girl friends* stay at my lake house. Not you and some horny boys tryin' to get their fuck on with my daughter."
Arlene: Your dad talks like that?
Shanna: Hell, yeah!
Arlene: Your dad talks like that?
Shanna: Hell, yeah!
Zoë: So, we're gonna see if this guy is gonna let us take the car out without him, if he does, you wait here with Lee, and we'll be back in a moment.
Abernathy: What?
Zoë: I said, we're going to see if this guy lets us take the car out without him...
Abernathy: I heard what you said. I just can't believe what you said. You know, you two got some fucking balls.
Zoë: What?
Abernathy: Don't play dumbass with me. I've been up all night, I'm still a little drunk, and I have a hangover. I should be in my hotel room asleep, not fucking around on Tobacco Road, but because Zoe wanted to drive some fucking Vanishing Point car, I'm here. Now you two got the balls to ask me, no, scratch that, tell me I gotta go make conversation with Tom Joad while the cool kids get to go out and play? Bullshit on that!
Kim: It ain't like that.
Abernathy: Then what's it like, Kim?
Zoë: You guys are our collateral. He's never gonna go for it if we all go.
Abernathy: I really think one human being will be collateral enough.
Zoë: You're not gonna wanna do what we're doing.
Abernathy: What, drive a car?
Zoë: We're doing more than that.
Abernathy: What, drive it fast?
Zoë: We're doing more than that.
Kim: Actually, we're paying you a compliment because we're gonna do some stupid shit. But that's okay, we're stuntmen, we ain't got good sense, but you, you got good sense, and anybody that got good sense ain't gonna wanna do what we're doing.
Abernathy: How do you know I don't wanna do it?
Zoë: Because you're a mum.
Abernathy: You know we're supposed to be this big posse, but that's the excuse that you guys use whenever you want to exclude me from something. So, what is it that you two daredevils are doing that I'm just so uncool I couldn't possibly understand?
Zoë: Well, we're kind of conning this guy. So maybe it's best if we don't go into detail about it while he's watching us. Besides, he's probably not gonna let us do it anyway.
Abernathy: Okay, how about this? I talk him into it. But if I talk him into it, I go along.
Kim: How you gonna do that?
Abernathy: That's my problem. But don't worry, he'll say yes.
Zoë: What're you gonna do, blow him?
Abernathy: No! I'm going to insinuate that Lee's going to blow him.
Abernathy: What?
Zoë: I said, we're going to see if this guy lets us take the car out without him...
Abernathy: I heard what you said. I just can't believe what you said. You know, you two got some fucking balls.
Zoë: What?
Abernathy: Don't play dumbass with me. I've been up all night, I'm still a little drunk, and I have a hangover. I should be in my hotel room asleep, not fucking around on Tobacco Road, but because Zoe wanted to drive some fucking Vanishing Point car, I'm here. Now you two got the balls to ask me, no, scratch that, tell me I gotta go make conversation with Tom Joad while the cool kids get to go out and play? Bullshit on that!
Kim: It ain't like that.
Abernathy: Then what's it like, Kim?
Zoë: You guys are our collateral. He's never gonna go for it if we all go.
Abernathy: I really think one human being will be collateral enough.
Zoë: You're not gonna wanna do what we're doing.
Abernathy: What, drive a car?
Zoë: We're doing more than that.
Abernathy: What, drive it fast?
Zoë: We're doing more than that.
Kim: Actually, we're paying you a compliment because we're gonna do some stupid shit. But that's okay, we're stuntmen, we ain't got good sense, but you, you got good sense, and anybody that got good sense ain't gonna wanna do what we're doing.
Abernathy: How do you know I don't wanna do it?
Zoë: Because you're a mum.
Abernathy: You know we're supposed to be this big posse, but that's the excuse that you guys use whenever you want to exclude me from something. So, what is it that you two daredevils are doing that I'm just so uncool I couldn't possibly understand?
Zoë: Well, we're kind of conning this guy. So maybe it's best if we don't go into detail about it while he's watching us. Besides, he's probably not gonna let us do it anyway.
Abernathy: Okay, how about this? I talk him into it. But if I talk him into it, I go along.
Kim: How you gonna do that?
Abernathy: That's my problem. But don't worry, he'll say yes.
Zoë: What're you gonna do, blow him?
Abernathy: No! I'm going to insinuate that Lee's going to blow him.
Waitress at Guero's: Okay! Warren is sending over shots... And you know the house rule: if he sends over shots, you gotta do them!
Arlene: Why?
Jungle Julia: Hey! There is the rule baby: Warren says it, we do it!
Warren the Bartender: I love that philosophy: Warren says it, we do it! So let's do it!
Arlene: What is it?
Warren the Bartender: Hey! Shot first, questions later. Here we go, post-time! Hum!
Jungle Julia: Wouhou!
Warren the Bartender: Is that a tasty beverage or is that a tasty be-ve-rage?
Arlene: What the fuck is it?
Warren the Bartender: Chartreuse! The only liquor so good they named a color after it!
Arlene: Why?
Jungle Julia: Hey! There is the rule baby: Warren says it, we do it!
Warren the Bartender: I love that philosophy: Warren says it, we do it! So let's do it!
Arlene: What is it?
Warren the Bartender: Hey! Shot first, questions later. Here we go, post-time! Hum!
Jungle Julia: Wouhou!
Warren the Bartender: Is that a tasty beverage or is that a tasty be-ve-rage?
Arlene: What the fuck is it?
Warren the Bartender: Chartreuse! The only liquor so good they named a color after it!
Zoë: So what's your story, Abernathy?
Abernathy: I had a set crush on Cecil.
Kim: Set crush? Nigga please, you were his set wife.
Abernathy: Were and Had being the key words here.
Kim: Bitch, you two are still into each other, and you know it.
Abernathy: Oh yeah? If he's still into me, then why did he fuck Darryl Hannah's stand in? Yes, men are dogs, oh it's so funny, oh it's so funny!
Kim: Oh, stop acting all hurt, your ass is just mad.
Abernathy: Yeah, he's a stand in fucker.
Kim: Bitch, you need to get over that shit, that was two weeks ago.
Abernathy: Oh, well now when you put it like that. Oh I haven't told you the best part, he fucked her on my birthday.
Zoë: Oh, that's a horse of a different color.
Abernathy: Thank you.
Zoë: Did he know it was your birthday? I mean, he's the director, he's kinda busy.
Abernathy: He ate a piece of my birthday cake, and he got me a present. Yeah, I think he knew.
Zoë: What'd he get you?
Abernathy: He made me a tape.
Lee: He made you a tape? Wait, he didn't burn you a CD, he made you a tape? Oh, it's so romantic.
Abernathy: I know what you're gonna say so don't even go there.
Kim: That sounds like the test of true love to me.
Abernathy: Look, I know you guys like him, he's likeable... but he fucked another woman on my birthday. How can you not be on my side?
Zoë: Well, I admit, that sounds bad.
Abernathy: It is bad!
Zoë: It just sounds like there's a little more to it than that. Were you two fucking?
Kim: Hell no!
Abernathy: Hello, is your name Abernathy?
Abernathy: I had a set crush on Cecil.
Kim: Set crush? Nigga please, you were his set wife.
Abernathy: Were and Had being the key words here.
Kim: Bitch, you two are still into each other, and you know it.
Abernathy: Oh yeah? If he's still into me, then why did he fuck Darryl Hannah's stand in? Yes, men are dogs, oh it's so funny, oh it's so funny!
Kim: Oh, stop acting all hurt, your ass is just mad.
Abernathy: Yeah, he's a stand in fucker.
Kim: Bitch, you need to get over that shit, that was two weeks ago.
Abernathy: Oh, well now when you put it like that. Oh I haven't told you the best part, he fucked her on my birthday.
Zoë: Oh, that's a horse of a different color.
Abernathy: Thank you.
Zoë: Did he know it was your birthday? I mean, he's the director, he's kinda busy.
Abernathy: He ate a piece of my birthday cake, and he got me a present. Yeah, I think he knew.
Zoë: What'd he get you?
Abernathy: He made me a tape.
Lee: He made you a tape? Wait, he didn't burn you a CD, he made you a tape? Oh, it's so romantic.
Abernathy: I know what you're gonna say so don't even go there.
Kim: That sounds like the test of true love to me.
Abernathy: Look, I know you guys like him, he's likeable... but he fucked another woman on my birthday. How can you not be on my side?
Zoë: Well, I admit, that sounds bad.
Abernathy: It is bad!
Zoë: It just sounds like there's a little more to it than that. Were you two fucking?
Kim: Hell no!
Abernathy: Hello, is your name Abernathy?
Zoë: So let's hear it ladies. Set romances, who's gettin' it off?
Kim: That would be Lee and Toolbox.
Zoë: Oh, Toolbox. Name sounds promising.
Abernathy: He's a grip.
Lee: What he is, is a pervert.
Zoë: Wow, he just keeps sounding better and better. What's his perversion?
Lee: He likes to watch me pee.
Kim: Lee is sittin' on a toilet and Toolbox is watching her pee, P-I-S-S-I-N-G. Haha! Yeah, but not anymore, now she's getting it on with the rock.
Zoë: You're having one off with The Rock?
Lee: Yeah, but not the real Rock. He's this electrician named Bruce, and Kim started calling him The Rock because he looks like The Rock, so we all just started calling him the Rock.
Kim: Oh yeah, this is an all star crew, we got a guy that looks like Nick Cage, and a guy that looks like Pee Wee Herman too.
Zoë: Kim, dick department, let's hear it!
Kim: No dick this trip. I got a man.
Zoë: How long have you had this boyfriend for?
Kim: Three months.
Zoë: Who'd you steal him from?
Abernathy: Kim, he totally had a girlfriend.
Zoë: All of Kim's boyfriends start out as someone else's boyfriend.
Kim: I didn't steal him, I didn't steal any of them, they all just... jumped ship.
Kim: That would be Lee and Toolbox.
Zoë: Oh, Toolbox. Name sounds promising.
Abernathy: He's a grip.
Lee: What he is, is a pervert.
Zoë: Wow, he just keeps sounding better and better. What's his perversion?
Lee: He likes to watch me pee.
Kim: Lee is sittin' on a toilet and Toolbox is watching her pee, P-I-S-S-I-N-G. Haha! Yeah, but not anymore, now she's getting it on with the rock.
Zoë: You're having one off with The Rock?
Lee: Yeah, but not the real Rock. He's this electrician named Bruce, and Kim started calling him The Rock because he looks like The Rock, so we all just started calling him the Rock.
Kim: Oh yeah, this is an all star crew, we got a guy that looks like Nick Cage, and a guy that looks like Pee Wee Herman too.
Zoë: Kim, dick department, let's hear it!
Kim: No dick this trip. I got a man.
Zoë: How long have you had this boyfriend for?
Kim: Three months.
Zoë: Who'd you steal him from?
Abernathy: Kim, he totally had a girlfriend.
Zoë: All of Kim's boyfriends start out as someone else's boyfriend.
Kim: I didn't steal him, I didn't steal any of them, they all just... jumped ship.
