Clerks II Quotes
A calamity at Dante and Randall's shops sends them looking for new horizons - but they ultimately settle at Mooby's, a fictional Disney-McDonald's-style fast-food empire.
Randal Graves: What? What is the big deal? Since when did it become a crime to say porch monkey?
Becky: Oh, I don't know, since forever?
Randal Graves: Why?
Dante Hicks: Because porch monkey's a racial slur against black people!
Randal Graves: No it's not! Nigger is.
Dante Hicks: Randal!
Randal Graves: What?
Elias: [to Randal] Excuse me, but did you just call Mr. Dante a nigger?
Becky: Shut up, Elias!
Randal Graves: No I did not just call Mr. Dante a nigger, I simply said that nigger is a racial slur towards black people.
Dante Hicks: So is porch monkey!
Randal Graves: Oh, it is not! Coon, spook, spade, moolie, jigaboo, nig-nog, *those* are racial slurs towards black people! Porch Monkey is not!
Becky: Oh, I don't know, since forever?
Randal Graves: Why?
Dante Hicks: Because porch monkey's a racial slur against black people!
Randal Graves: No it's not! Nigger is.
Dante Hicks: Randal!
Randal Graves: What?
Elias: [to Randal] Excuse me, but did you just call Mr. Dante a nigger?
Becky: Shut up, Elias!
Randal Graves: No I did not just call Mr. Dante a nigger, I simply said that nigger is a racial slur towards black people.
Dante Hicks: So is porch monkey!
Randal Graves: Oh, it is not! Coon, spook, spade, moolie, jigaboo, nig-nog, *those* are racial slurs towards black people! Porch Monkey is not!
Randal Graves: That look was so gay. I thought Sam was gonna tell the little hobbits to take a walk so he could saunter over to Frodo and suck his fucking cock. Now *that* would have been an Academy Award worthy ending.
Hobbit Lover: Hey faggot, they're not gay! They're hobbits!
Randal Graves: And then, right after the Sam/Frodo suckfest, right before the credits roll, Sam fucking flat out bricks in Frodo's mouth.
Hobbit Lover: Hey faggot, they're not gay! They're hobbits!
Randal Graves: And then, right after the Sam/Frodo suckfest, right before the credits roll, Sam fucking flat out bricks in Frodo's mouth.
Randal Graves: All right, look, there's only one "Return," okay, and it ain't "of the King," it's "of the Jedi."
Hobbit Lover: Oh, Star Wars geek.
Randal Graves: Oh, I'm the geek? Look at you two whipping out your preciouses.
Elias: You'll have to excuse him, he's not "down" with the trilogy.
Randal Graves: Oh, what the fuck happened to this world? There's only one trilogy, you fucking morons.
Hobbit Lover: You know what, maybe we should start calling your friend Padme, because he loves Manakin Skywalker so much, right?
[in robot voice]
Hobbit Lover: Danger danger, my name is Anakin. My shitty acting is ruining saga.
Elias: [chucking] Yea-Yeah, you're crazy, Jar-Jar.
Randal Graves: Oh, I'm crazy? Those fuckin' hobbit movies were boring as hell. All it was, was a bunch of people walking, three movies of people walking to a fucking volcano.
Hobbit Lover: Oh, Star Wars geek.
Randal Graves: Oh, I'm the geek? Look at you two whipping out your preciouses.
Elias: You'll have to excuse him, he's not "down" with the trilogy.
Randal Graves: Oh, what the fuck happened to this world? There's only one trilogy, you fucking morons.
Hobbit Lover: You know what, maybe we should start calling your friend Padme, because he loves Manakin Skywalker so much, right?
[in robot voice]
Hobbit Lover: Danger danger, my name is Anakin. My shitty acting is ruining saga.
Elias: [chucking] Yea-Yeah, you're crazy, Jar-Jar.
Randal Graves: Oh, I'm crazy? Those fuckin' hobbit movies were boring as hell. All it was, was a bunch of people walking, three movies of people walking to a fucking volcano.
Elias: Since God created man, and man created the Transformers, the Transformers are like a gift from God, Randal!
Randal Graves: No sir. They are not a gift from God. They are an unholy curse from the beast we call the Desolate One.
Elias: I don't really want to hear this Randal.
Randal Graves: The First of the Fallen. The Spoiler of Virgins, the Master of Abortions!
Elias: You know I don't like to talk about dark forces Randal.
Randal Graves: [singing into P.A. microphone] Let me help you out of your chair, Grandma!
Jay: [climbing through the drive-thru window] Grandma what was it like? To be on that holiday site
Randal Graves: Late that night I awoke from my sleep.
Jay: Hearing! Unknown! Voices!
Randal Graves, Jay: Laughing insane!
Randal Graves: No sir. They are not a gift from God. They are an unholy curse from the beast we call the Desolate One.
Elias: I don't really want to hear this Randal.
Randal Graves: The First of the Fallen. The Spoiler of Virgins, the Master of Abortions!
Elias: You know I don't like to talk about dark forces Randal.
Randal Graves: [singing into P.A. microphone] Let me help you out of your chair, Grandma!
Jay: [climbing through the drive-thru window] Grandma what was it like? To be on that holiday site
Randal Graves: Late that night I awoke from my sleep.
Jay: Hearing! Unknown! Voices!
Randal Graves, Jay: Laughing insane!
Randal Graves: Why haven't you fucked Myra yet?
Elias: Well, we can't because of Pillow Pants.
Randal Graves: What the fuck's Pillow Pants?
Elias: Pillow Pants is a little troll who lives in her pussy.
[Randal stares]
Elias: Pillow Pants is her pussy troll?
[scoffs]
Elias: Duh. You know how every girl's parents put a pussy troll in them when the girls are young, to keep them from having premarital sex?
Randal Graves: ...Sure.
Elias: Well Myra's is named Pillow Pants. And so even though she totally wants to have sex with me, Myra says if I put my... thing in her, Pillow Pants will bite it off. So, I gotta wait until Pillow Pants gets peed out of her body on her 21st birthday before we can have sex.
Randal Graves: [floored] And Myra told you this?
Elias: Boyfriends and girlfriends talk to each other about sex stuff Randal. You'd know this if you ever had a girlfriend.
Randal Graves: Have you and Myra even kissed yet?
Elias: We would have already if it wasn't for Listerfiend.
Randal Graves: [beat] Listerfiend is her mouth troll, isn't it?
Elias: [shakes head] Women.
Elias: Well, we can't because of Pillow Pants.
Randal Graves: What the fuck's Pillow Pants?
Elias: Pillow Pants is a little troll who lives in her pussy.
[Randal stares]
Elias: Pillow Pants is her pussy troll?
[scoffs]
Elias: Duh. You know how every girl's parents put a pussy troll in them when the girls are young, to keep them from having premarital sex?
Randal Graves: ...Sure.
Elias: Well Myra's is named Pillow Pants. And so even though she totally wants to have sex with me, Myra says if I put my... thing in her, Pillow Pants will bite it off. So, I gotta wait until Pillow Pants gets peed out of her body on her 21st birthday before we can have sex.
Randal Graves: [floored] And Myra told you this?
Elias: Boyfriends and girlfriends talk to each other about sex stuff Randal. You'd know this if you ever had a girlfriend.
Randal Graves: Have you and Myra even kissed yet?
Elias: We would have already if it wasn't for Listerfiend.
Randal Graves: [beat] Listerfiend is her mouth troll, isn't it?
Elias: [shakes head] Women.
Dante Hicks: Have you become so embittered that you now feel the need to attack the handicapped?
Randal Graves: What handicap? They guy's just in a wheelchair, it's not like he's Anne Frank or something.
Dante Hicks: Anne Frank?
Randal Graves: Yeah, Anne Frank. The chick that was all duhhh, till the miracle worker showed up and knocked some smarts into her.
Dante Hicks: You're talking about Helen Keller.
Randal Graves: No I'm not, I'm talking about Anne Frank. She was deaf, dumb and blind.
Dante Hicks: No she wasn't. Helen Keller was deaf, dumb and blind.
Randal Graves: Are you sure?
Dante Hicks: Yup.
Randal Graves: Then who the fuck's Anne Frank?
Randal Graves: What handicap? They guy's just in a wheelchair, it's not like he's Anne Frank or something.
Dante Hicks: Anne Frank?
Randal Graves: Yeah, Anne Frank. The chick that was all duhhh, till the miracle worker showed up and knocked some smarts into her.
Dante Hicks: You're talking about Helen Keller.
Randal Graves: No I'm not, I'm talking about Anne Frank. She was deaf, dumb and blind.
Dante Hicks: No she wasn't. Helen Keller was deaf, dumb and blind.
Randal Graves: Are you sure?
Dante Hicks: Yup.
Randal Graves: Then who the fuck's Anne Frank?
Randal Graves: [about the Go-Karts] It just centers me, alright? Kinda the way jerking off at work centers you.
Dante Hicks: I only did it that one time. And it wasn't to center me.
Randal Graves: Yeah, it was to cum. Well I dunno about you, but cumming centers me.
Dante Hicks: Then why did we have to leave work so you can ride the Go-Karts to clear you head?
Randal Graves: Well, I don't wanna jerk off in the Mooby's bathroom! What if a customer comes in and my jerking off gets him all sex nuts and retard strong, and suddenly I'm fighting him off as he tries to jam my dick in his mouth!
Dante Hicks: The most likeliest of scenarios.
Dante Hicks: I only did it that one time. And it wasn't to center me.
Randal Graves: Yeah, it was to cum. Well I dunno about you, but cumming centers me.
Dante Hicks: Then why did we have to leave work so you can ride the Go-Karts to clear you head?
Randal Graves: Well, I don't wanna jerk off in the Mooby's bathroom! What if a customer comes in and my jerking off gets him all sex nuts and retard strong, and suddenly I'm fighting him off as he tries to jam my dick in his mouth!
Dante Hicks: The most likeliest of scenarios.
Randal Graves: Before he was the Mad Ducats guy, he was just Pickle Fucker. You see, freshman year, the seniors would hunt us down and put us through what they called "initiations." They'd stuff us into lockers or throw us in the girl's shower room naked, but Lance here got the worst of it. The seniors yanked down his pants and shoved a pickle up his ass and made him walk ten feet. If the pickle fell out before he hit the ten-foot mark, he had to take a bite of it, re-insert it, and walk again.
Elias: Ewwwwww...
Randal Graves: Yeah. But, don't worry. He made it. His pickle was small enough to stay wedged after only four bites.
Lance Dowds: I'll bet you're the only guy in the world who still remembers that, Graves.
Randal Graves: Oh, I bet you still remember it pretty vividly, Pickle Fucker.
Elias: Ewwwwww...
Randal Graves: Yeah. But, don't worry. He made it. His pickle was small enough to stay wedged after only four bites.
Lance Dowds: I'll bet you're the only guy in the world who still remembers that, Graves.
Randal Graves: Oh, I bet you still remember it pretty vividly, Pickle Fucker.
Becky: [on the roof about to teach Dante how to dance] Hey, Twelve-Step!
[Jay looks around confused]
Becky: Jay!
Jay: [looks up] Lord?
Becky: Up here, jackass.
Jay: [moves so he can see her] What the fuck are you doing up there? Yo, if you're gonna jump, let me get a crack at that pussy first! Lemme find out.
Becky: You still got your boombox?
[Silent Bob comes out with the boombox]
Becky: Play something and turn it way up.
[disappears, then comes back]
Becky: Something danceable!
Dante Hicks: Up here? Are you serious? You're gonna teach me to dance up here?
Becky: What? You want I should do it in front of all the customers?
Dante Hicks: What customers?
Becky: Shut up. Come over here. Okay, get ready for the music. You feel it... here. Here it comes.
[Heavy Metal begins to play. Jay and Silent Bob headbang and dance furiously]
Becky: Something a little less demonic, please?
[Jay looks around confused]
Becky: Jay!
Jay: [looks up] Lord?
Becky: Up here, jackass.
Jay: [moves so he can see her] What the fuck are you doing up there? Yo, if you're gonna jump, let me get a crack at that pussy first! Lemme find out.
Becky: You still got your boombox?
[Silent Bob comes out with the boombox]
Becky: Play something and turn it way up.
[disappears, then comes back]
Becky: Something danceable!
Dante Hicks: Up here? Are you serious? You're gonna teach me to dance up here?
Becky: What? You want I should do it in front of all the customers?
Dante Hicks: What customers?
Becky: Shut up. Come over here. Okay, get ready for the music. You feel it... here. Here it comes.
[Heavy Metal begins to play. Jay and Silent Bob headbang and dance furiously]
Becky: Something a little less demonic, please?
Jay: You know, sometimes I wish I did a little more with my life instead of hanging out in front of places selling weed and shit. Like, maybe be an animal doctor. Why not me? I like seals and shit. Or maybe an astronaut. Yeah. Like, be the first motherfucker to see a new galaxy, or find a new alien lifeform... and fuck it. And people'd be like, "There he goes. Homeboy fucked a Martian once."
Elias: Whoo! We's all gonna get drunk and get laid!
Dante Hicks: Oh my God, is Elias hammered?
Jay: Isn't it awesome? My man smoked two blunts full of skunk!
Elias: Fuck Pillowpants! Honk if you love a lot of pussy!
Jay: [looks at Silent Bob] Yo, we love pussy!
[Jay and Silent Bob blow on party favors]
Dante Hicks: Oh my God, is Elias hammered?
Jay: Isn't it awesome? My man smoked two blunts full of skunk!
Elias: Fuck Pillowpants! Honk if you love a lot of pussy!
Jay: [looks at Silent Bob] Yo, we love pussy!
[Jay and Silent Bob blow on party favors]
Randal Graves: [to Emma] You became persona non-nookie to me the minute he started diddling your pooter.
Emma: So thinking of me in terms of being a girl kind of creeps you out, does it?
Randal Graves: Sweetheart, I don't think of you in terms of being a girl, I don't think of you in any way...
[Emma lifts up her shirt]
Randal Graves: Oh, that was just *wrong*.
Emma: If you don't get the fuck out of here so that I can spend some quality time with my man, next I'm gonna show you my pooter.
Randal Graves: Why would you wanna do something like that?
[Emma unbuckles her belt]
Randal Graves: Alright, alright, I'm leaving!
Emma: So thinking of me in terms of being a girl kind of creeps you out, does it?
Randal Graves: Sweetheart, I don't think of you in terms of being a girl, I don't think of you in any way...
[Emma lifts up her shirt]
Randal Graves: Oh, that was just *wrong*.
Emma: If you don't get the fuck out of here so that I can spend some quality time with my man, next I'm gonna show you my pooter.
Randal Graves: Why would you wanna do something like that?
[Emma unbuckles her belt]
Randal Graves: Alright, alright, I'm leaving!
Randal Graves: [describing the Lord of the Rings Trilogy] Here's the first movie.
[walks a few steps, staring blankly]
Randal Graves: And here's the second movie.
[walks a few steps again, pretends to trip]
Hobbit Lover: He is way off, loser.
Randal Graves: You ready for the third movie?
[walks yet again, stops, pretends to throw the ring into the volcano. Shrugs his shoulders and turns around]
[walks a few steps, staring blankly]
Randal Graves: And here's the second movie.
[walks a few steps again, pretends to trip]
Hobbit Lover: He is way off, loser.
Randal Graves: You ready for the third movie?
[walks yet again, stops, pretends to throw the ring into the volcano. Shrugs his shoulders and turns around]
Dante Hicks: Why *do* the Go-Karts help?
Randal Graves: I don't know. They just remind me of a better time in my life.
Dante Hicks: Like when?
Randal Graves: Like when we were young and the world was still in front of us.
Dante Hicks: We're not that old.
Randal Graves: Yeah. But, sometimes I get the feeling the world kinda left us behind a long time ago.
Dante Hicks: You know, you can do something about that.
Randal Graves: I told you, I don't wanna jerk off in the bathroom at work!
Randal Graves: I don't know. They just remind me of a better time in my life.
Dante Hicks: Like when?
Randal Graves: Like when we were young and the world was still in front of us.
Dante Hicks: We're not that old.
Randal Graves: Yeah. But, sometimes I get the feeling the world kinda left us behind a long time ago.
Dante Hicks: You know, you can do something about that.
Randal Graves: I told you, I don't wanna jerk off in the bathroom at work!
Elias: [removing a smoking black basket of fries] I don't think these look right.
Randal Graves: Jesus! Step away from the fryer before you burn us all alive!
Elias: It's not my fault you abandoned your post!
Randal Graves: Was it too much to ask that you handle the fries? The machine does all the work! What's a machine gotta transform into some giant fuckin' robot before you'll take it seriously? Go home!
Randal Graves: Jesus! Step away from the fryer before you burn us all alive!
Elias: It's not my fault you abandoned your post!
Randal Graves: Was it too much to ask that you handle the fries? The machine does all the work! What's a machine gotta transform into some giant fuckin' robot before you'll take it seriously? Go home!
Dante Hicks: What are you writing over there, your memoirs?
Randal Graves: I'm battling this jackass on his blog's message boards.
Dante Hicks: About what?
Randal Graves: About how he's got too much free time and no life. A guy in a wheelchair who's always preying on other people's sympathies, writing these long diatribes about how he'll never walk again, and how walkers should appreciate the blessings of their functioning legs, so I've been getting into it with him, throwing it right back in his stupid crippie-boy face about how I love to just sit around, and how I'd rather drive to the end of the block than walk!
Dante Hicks: The guy's in a wheelchair.
Randal Graves: Yeah. That's why I called him "crippie-boy."
Randal Graves: I'm battling this jackass on his blog's message boards.
Dante Hicks: About what?
Randal Graves: About how he's got too much free time and no life. A guy in a wheelchair who's always preying on other people's sympathies, writing these long diatribes about how he'll never walk again, and how walkers should appreciate the blessings of their functioning legs, so I've been getting into it with him, throwing it right back in his stupid crippie-boy face about how I love to just sit around, and how I'd rather drive to the end of the block than walk!
Dante Hicks: The guy's in a wheelchair.
Randal Graves: Yeah. That's why I called him "crippie-boy."
[Randal bursts into the office]
Randal Graves: [laughing] I made fun of "Lord of the Rings" so hard, it made some supergeek puke all over the counter. Where do we keep the mop and bucket so I can have Elias clean it up?
Dante Hicks: In the closet, with the rest of the cleaning products.
Randal Graves: We have cleaning products?
[Randal shuts the door]
Randal Graves: [laughing] I made fun of "Lord of the Rings" so hard, it made some supergeek puke all over the counter. Where do we keep the mop and bucket so I can have Elias clean it up?
Dante Hicks: In the closet, with the rest of the cleaning products.
Randal Graves: We have cleaning products?
[Randal shuts the door]
[Dante, Randal, Jay, Silent Bob, Elias and the Sexy Stud have been taken to a holding cell]
Randal Graves: Jail cell design hasn't changed much in centuries, has it? Maybe it's time they brought in the laser bars, or something.
Jay: Oh, they can make a hard plastic cage like Magneto's in X-Men 2! Nauw.
Randal Graves: Come on, dude, let's keep it in the real world, alright? But you know what wouldn't be a bad idea? Carbonite. What do you think, Dante?
[Dante looks up and glares at him, then charges at Randal, slamming him into the bars]
Dante Hicks: I think I'm gonna kill you!
Jay: What up, steel cage match!
Dante Hicks: You ruined my life!
Randal Graves: Your life was already ruined, get off of me!
Dante Hicks: What were you thinking? A fuckin' Donkey show?
Randal Graves: It was your going away present!
Dante Hicks: Sure was! I just never thought I'd be going away to prison!
Sexy Stud: Boys? You can't be imprisoned for watching an inter-species sex act. You'll walk. The worst I'll get is a huge fine for animal abuse, and alot of disgusted looks from ass-wipe conservatives who can't appreciate sexual exploration.
Sexy Stud: [as he drops into his seat in the jail cell, sighing sadly as he leans back against the bars] I miss my donkey.
Dante Hicks: I can't believe you.
Dante Hicks: I finally get my shit together, I'm hours away from getting out of here, and you somehow manage to obliterate all that and reduce me to a convict!
Randal Graves: Oh yeah, it's my fault that your life's so fucked up! I'm the engaged guy who knocked up my boss!
Jay: You knocked up the guy that owns Mooby's? Sick!
Randal Graves: Would you just shut up?
Randal Graves: Jail cell design hasn't changed much in centuries, has it? Maybe it's time they brought in the laser bars, or something.
Jay: Oh, they can make a hard plastic cage like Magneto's in X-Men 2! Nauw.
Randal Graves: Come on, dude, let's keep it in the real world, alright? But you know what wouldn't be a bad idea? Carbonite. What do you think, Dante?
[Dante looks up and glares at him, then charges at Randal, slamming him into the bars]
Dante Hicks: I think I'm gonna kill you!
Jay: What up, steel cage match!
Dante Hicks: You ruined my life!
Randal Graves: Your life was already ruined, get off of me!
Dante Hicks: What were you thinking? A fuckin' Donkey show?
Randal Graves: It was your going away present!
Dante Hicks: Sure was! I just never thought I'd be going away to prison!
Sexy Stud: Boys? You can't be imprisoned for watching an inter-species sex act. You'll walk. The worst I'll get is a huge fine for animal abuse, and alot of disgusted looks from ass-wipe conservatives who can't appreciate sexual exploration.
Sexy Stud: [as he drops into his seat in the jail cell, sighing sadly as he leans back against the bars] I miss my donkey.
Dante Hicks: I can't believe you.
Dante Hicks: I finally get my shit together, I'm hours away from getting out of here, and you somehow manage to obliterate all that and reduce me to a convict!
Randal Graves: Oh yeah, it's my fault that your life's so fucked up! I'm the engaged guy who knocked up my boss!
Jay: You knocked up the guy that owns Mooby's? Sick!
Randal Graves: Would you just shut up?
Dante Hicks: I can't believe you. I finally get my shit together. I'm hours from getting outta here, and really starting my life, and you somehow figure out a way to obliterate all that and reduce me to a convict.
Randal Graves: Oh, yeah, it's my fault your life's fucked up. "I'm the engaged guy who knocked up my boss!"
Jay: [amazed] You knocked up the guy who owns Mooby's?
Randal Graves: [chuckles, and then incredulous] What?
Randal Graves: Oh, yeah, it's my fault your life's fucked up. "I'm the engaged guy who knocked up my boss!"
Jay: [amazed] You knocked up the guy who owns Mooby's?
Randal Graves: [chuckles, and then incredulous] What?
Randal Graves: Man, you must love this fucking guy, 'cause he's the biggest pussy I ever met, the dude who lives his life according to everyone else's standards. "I have to go down to Florida and get married because that what's expected of me." And the fucking insane part is, he ain't even crazy about the chick he's marrying or Florida, never mind the fact that he's got a perfectly good chick right here in Jersey who he's nuts about, and even Anne fucking Frank could see she's nuts about him too. And she likes you for who you are, man. She ain't trying to stuff you into a box you'll never fit into, not to mention that she's carrying your hideous fucking chud of a kid. Jesus, if you had any sense whatsoever, you'd fucking stop trying to bray it up with the rest of the sheep and live your life the way it makes sense to you, you fucking ass.
Randal Graves: Emma, are you like this 'cause you have an unnaturally large clit?
Emma: You just *had* to tell him, didn't ya?
Dante Hicks: It kinda came out one day!
Randal Graves: He says it's so big it's almost like a little cock, which says all kinds of weird things about him that I don't even wanna think about.
Emma: You just *had* to tell him, didn't ya?
Dante Hicks: It kinda came out one day!
Randal Graves: He says it's so big it's almost like a little cock, which says all kinds of weird things about him that I don't even wanna think about.
Elias: Randal...
[Holds up onion ring]
Elias: "One ring to rule them all."
Randal Graves: And you wonder why no chick'll let you stick your cock in her.
Elias: I never wondered that.
Randal Graves: Yeah, 'cause you've accepted the fact that you'll never get a chick a long time ago.
Elias: I could get a chick if I wanted.
Randal Graves: Who are you kidding? You can't get a chick ya mook, you're too weird and sad.
Elias: [Throws down onion ring and storms up to Randal] I turn down chicks left and right.
Randal Graves: Your chicks are your "left" and "right."
Elias: Yeah right, what do you know?
Randal Graves: Ahh, I know that you're a huge fucking nerd of Potsie-like proportions, and no chicks dig nerds. Especially nerds that are into Lord of the Rings.
Elias: Chicks dig Lord of the Rings, Randal.
Randal Graves: Yeah. The kind of chicks that are into swords and elves and shit, and I wouldn't fuck them with the torch of Gondor.
Elias: Oh, you're so gross!
[Holds up onion ring]
Elias: "One ring to rule them all."
Randal Graves: And you wonder why no chick'll let you stick your cock in her.
Elias: I never wondered that.
Randal Graves: Yeah, 'cause you've accepted the fact that you'll never get a chick a long time ago.
Elias: I could get a chick if I wanted.
Randal Graves: Who are you kidding? You can't get a chick ya mook, you're too weird and sad.
Elias: [Throws down onion ring and storms up to Randal] I turn down chicks left and right.
Randal Graves: Your chicks are your "left" and "right."
Elias: Yeah right, what do you know?
Randal Graves: Ahh, I know that you're a huge fucking nerd of Potsie-like proportions, and no chicks dig nerds. Especially nerds that are into Lord of the Rings.
Elias: Chicks dig Lord of the Rings, Randal.
Randal Graves: Yeah. The kind of chicks that are into swords and elves and shit, and I wouldn't fuck them with the torch of Gondor.
Elias: Oh, you're so gross!
Randal Graves: Hey! Freddy fucking Mercury! Where the fuck is Kelly?
Sexy Stud: [pointing at the donkey] This is Kelly!
Randal Graves: I thought that was the sexy stud.
Sexy Stud: *I'm* the sexy stud.
Randal Graves: But this donkey is a dude!
Sexy Stud: Kelly can be a guy's name too. Hey!
[Randal shrugs and sits down]
Sexy Stud: [pointing at the donkey] This is Kelly!
Randal Graves: I thought that was the sexy stud.
Sexy Stud: *I'm* the sexy stud.
Randal Graves: But this donkey is a dude!
Sexy Stud: Kelly can be a guy's name too. Hey!
[Randal shrugs and sits down]
Jay: You know, sometimes I wish I'd done a little more with my life instead of hangin' out in front of places, selling weed and shit. Like maybe be an animal doctor. Why not me? I like seals and shit. Or maybe be an astronaut. Yeah. And be the first motherfucker to see a new galaxy. Or find a new alien life form... And fuck it. And people would be like "There he goes. Homeboy fucked a martian once."
[Silent Bob looks at him weirdly, before two teenage drug buyers start to approach them]
Jay: Holy shit out first customers since our triumph of return, act cool.
Teen #1: You guys holdin'?
Jay: Yeah, everything but coke, heroin and your cock.
Teen #2: What?
Teen #1: How about a nicklebag?
Jay: [Improvised rapping] Oh, fifteen bucks little man, put that shit in my hand. Nong-nong-nonga-nonga-nong-nong.
[Teen #2 gives Silent Bob $15, who exchanges it for a nicklebag of weed]
Teen #1: So, ahh, haven't seen you guys in a while. Where've you been all this time?
Jay: Me and Silent Bob finally bought a car. We're cruising down to the boardwalk, fuckin' middle-town cop pulls us over for suspicion of mischief.
Teen #1: What the fuck's that mean?
Jay: Drivin' around with a deployed airbag. Cops pull us over, they find two pounds of Jamaican Landswolf. Prosecutor wants to put us away for a dime but the judge gives us rehab instead.
Teen #1: Shit, rehab?
Jay: Yep yep.
Teen #2: How long were you in?
Jay: Six months, sir. We got six months and two days on the wagon, as a good friend of Bill W's. Check it out.
[Holds up rehab token]
Jay: Just got it two days ago, before we got out.
Teen #2: Yeah but if you're holdin' all the time, aren't you gonna be tempted to get high?
Jay: Oh, not with the power of Christ on my side, sir.
[Silent Bob holds up a Holy Bible]
Teen #2: Is that a fucking Bible?
Jay: Hey, hey, the Holy fucking Bible, son.
Teen #2: [to Teen #1] What the fuck kinda song-bird Jesus-freak dealers d'you bring me to?
Teen #1: I like them, man. They're funny.
Teen #2: They're fuckin' stupid.
Jay: You should read your Bible, sirs. You'll find all types of weird shit in there. Like did you know Jesus was a Jew?
[Silent Bob looks at him weirdly, before two teenage drug buyers start to approach them]
Jay: Holy shit out first customers since our triumph of return, act cool.
Teen #1: You guys holdin'?
Jay: Yeah, everything but coke, heroin and your cock.
Teen #2: What?
Teen #1: How about a nicklebag?
Jay: [Improvised rapping] Oh, fifteen bucks little man, put that shit in my hand. Nong-nong-nonga-nonga-nong-nong.
[Teen #2 gives Silent Bob $15, who exchanges it for a nicklebag of weed]
Teen #1: So, ahh, haven't seen you guys in a while. Where've you been all this time?
Jay: Me and Silent Bob finally bought a car. We're cruising down to the boardwalk, fuckin' middle-town cop pulls us over for suspicion of mischief.
Teen #1: What the fuck's that mean?
Jay: Drivin' around with a deployed airbag. Cops pull us over, they find two pounds of Jamaican Landswolf. Prosecutor wants to put us away for a dime but the judge gives us rehab instead.
Teen #1: Shit, rehab?
Jay: Yep yep.
Teen #2: How long were you in?
Jay: Six months, sir. We got six months and two days on the wagon, as a good friend of Bill W's. Check it out.
[Holds up rehab token]
Jay: Just got it two days ago, before we got out.
Teen #2: Yeah but if you're holdin' all the time, aren't you gonna be tempted to get high?
Jay: Oh, not with the power of Christ on my side, sir.
[Silent Bob holds up a Holy Bible]
Teen #2: Is that a fucking Bible?
Jay: Hey, hey, the Holy fucking Bible, son.
Teen #2: [to Teen #1] What the fuck kinda song-bird Jesus-freak dealers d'you bring me to?
Teen #1: I like them, man. They're funny.
Teen #2: They're fuckin' stupid.
Jay: You should read your Bible, sirs. You'll find all types of weird shit in there. Like did you know Jesus was a Jew?
Elias: That's bestiality, Randal!
Randal Graves: At its finest, I hope.
Elias: Who would want to see something like that?
Randal Graves: Me, Dante, *you*.
Elias: I don't wanna see something like that! Why would you wanna see something like that?
Randal Graves: Because it's fucked up! And, I wanna see if a chick with a mouth full of donkey spunk swallows. Alright, here we go. Kinky Kelly and the Sexy Stud. Straight from their dirty debut in Tijuana, Kelly's taking it on the road. Taking it in the ass, that is. You gotta give it up for Oscar Wilde-like wordplay that good.
Elias: Do they show pictures?
Randal Graves: Only one of Kinky Kelly sucking off Optimus Prime.
Elias: Really?
[Randal hits Elias]
Elias: Ow.
Randal Graves: Lemme borrow your cell phone.
Elias: [nervously] Oh... 'Cause I'm only supposed to use it to call my parents in case of an emergency.
Randal Graves: This is an emergency. We gotta lock up Kinky Kelly for tonight so we can give Mr. Dante a memorable send off. You love Mr. Dante, don'tcha?
Elias: In a non-gay way.
Randal Graves: At its finest, I hope.
Elias: Who would want to see something like that?
Randal Graves: Me, Dante, *you*.
Elias: I don't wanna see something like that! Why would you wanna see something like that?
Randal Graves: Because it's fucked up! And, I wanna see if a chick with a mouth full of donkey spunk swallows. Alright, here we go. Kinky Kelly and the Sexy Stud. Straight from their dirty debut in Tijuana, Kelly's taking it on the road. Taking it in the ass, that is. You gotta give it up for Oscar Wilde-like wordplay that good.
Elias: Do they show pictures?
Randal Graves: Only one of Kinky Kelly sucking off Optimus Prime.
Elias: Really?
[Randal hits Elias]
Elias: Ow.
Randal Graves: Lemme borrow your cell phone.
Elias: [nervously] Oh... 'Cause I'm only supposed to use it to call my parents in case of an emergency.
Randal Graves: This is an emergency. We gotta lock up Kinky Kelly for tonight so we can give Mr. Dante a memorable send off. You love Mr. Dante, don'tcha?
Elias: In a non-gay way.
Randal Graves: Seventeen year olds nowadays are crazy. They're up for anything. They even like it when you go ass to mouth.
Dante Hicks: Oh, my God.
Randal Graves: What?
Dante Hicks: Are you serious?
Randal Graves: I don't fuck around when it comes to ass to mouth.
Dante Hicks: You never go ass to mouth!
Randal Graves: It's never my idea!
Dante Hicks: Oh, my God.
Randal Graves: What?
Dante Hicks: Are you serious?
Randal Graves: I don't fuck around when it comes to ass to mouth.
Dante Hicks: You never go ass to mouth!
Randal Graves: It's never my idea!
Randal Graves: I thought you weren't even allowed to watch a lot of TV in your house cause you're all Christian and shit.
Elias: Well, as it turns out, cars and trucks that turn into robots aren't really that blasphemous. Because my pastor says that machines can turn into other machines and it's not a slight against God.
Randal Graves: Transformers are a TOTAL slight against God. Inasmuch as God sent his only begotten son to die on the cross to redeem mankind, and all we did to pay him back was make terrible fucking cartoons like the Transformers.
Elias: Well, as it turns out, cars and trucks that turn into robots aren't really that blasphemous. Because my pastor says that machines can turn into other machines and it's not a slight against God.
Randal Graves: Transformers are a TOTAL slight against God. Inasmuch as God sent his only begotten son to die on the cross to redeem mankind, and all we did to pay him back was make terrible fucking cartoons like the Transformers.
Randal Graves: The best part of this job is all the barely legal pussy that comes in here. And they all look up to me 'cause I've got a driver's license. It's awesome.
Dante Hicks: You're thirty-three.
Randal Graves: You show me one thirty-three year old chick who's buck wild in bed as your seventeen year old counterpie. Seventeen year olds nowadays are crazy. They even like it when you go ass-to-mouth.
Dante Hicks: Oh... My... God.
Randal Graves: What?
Dante Hicks: Are you serious?
Randal Graves: I don't fuck around when it comes to ass-to-mouth.
Dante Hicks: You never go ass-to-mouth.
Randal Graves: It's never my idea. These young girls, they get all horned up and they tell you to go ass-to-mouth.
Dante Hicks: You never go ass-to-mouth, Randal.
Randal Graves: You sound like my Mom.
[Becky enters]
Randal Graves: Becks, do you ever go ass-to-mouth?
Becky: You never go ass-to-mouth.
Randal Graves: You've never gone ass-to-mouth.
Dante Hicks: You never go ass-to-mouth.
Becky: I've never gone ass to mouth.
Randal Graves: Not even once?
Becky: Not even ever.
Randal Graves: You're both so repressive.
[to Becky]
Randal Graves: Alright look, I know you've given a blowjob, right?
Becky: I haven't even put my purse down yet.
Randal Graves: That's a yes.
[to Dante]
Randal Graves: And I know you've gone down on chicks.
Becky: What's your point?
Randal Graves: Well, when you're done chowin' down on the no-no parts of your lover, you kiss 'em, right? That's just like going ass to mouth.
Becky: Okay, I'm pretty sure you just compared a vagina to an ass hole.
Dante Hicks: You're thirty-three.
Randal Graves: You show me one thirty-three year old chick who's buck wild in bed as your seventeen year old counterpie. Seventeen year olds nowadays are crazy. They even like it when you go ass-to-mouth.
Dante Hicks: Oh... My... God.
Randal Graves: What?
Dante Hicks: Are you serious?
Randal Graves: I don't fuck around when it comes to ass-to-mouth.
Dante Hicks: You never go ass-to-mouth.
Randal Graves: It's never my idea. These young girls, they get all horned up and they tell you to go ass-to-mouth.
Dante Hicks: You never go ass-to-mouth, Randal.
Randal Graves: You sound like my Mom.
[Becky enters]
Randal Graves: Becks, do you ever go ass-to-mouth?
Becky: You never go ass-to-mouth.
Randal Graves: You've never gone ass-to-mouth.
Dante Hicks: You never go ass-to-mouth.
Becky: I've never gone ass to mouth.
Randal Graves: Not even once?
Becky: Not even ever.
Randal Graves: You're both so repressive.
[to Becky]
Randal Graves: Alright look, I know you've given a blowjob, right?
Becky: I haven't even put my purse down yet.
Randal Graves: That's a yes.
[to Dante]
Randal Graves: And I know you've gone down on chicks.
Becky: What's your point?
Randal Graves: Well, when you're done chowin' down on the no-no parts of your lover, you kiss 'em, right? That's just like going ass to mouth.
Becky: Okay, I'm pretty sure you just compared a vagina to an ass hole.
Hobbit Lover: Hey man.
Elias: [Puts on Mooby's hat] Welcome to Mooby's, may I take your order?
Hobbit Lover: Yeah um, let's see... Give me one udderly delicious Moo-ilk shake, Skinny Calf and a, order of onion rings. Thanks.
Elias: [Typing into register. To himself:] "One ring to rule them all."
Hobbit Lover: [Surprised] "One ring to find them."
Randal Graves: [Eavesdropping] Oh Jesus.
Elias: "One ring to bring them all."
Hobbit Lover: "And in the darkness bind them!"
Elias: [Hi-5's the Hobbit Lover] Yes! How many times?
Hobbit Lover: Umm, three for 'Fellowship', two for 'Towers', *four* for 'Return'.
Elias: [Showing off] Five for return.
Hobbit Lover: Dude.
Randal Graves: Okay, look. There's only one 'Return', okay, and it ain't of 'The King', it's of 'The Jedi'.
Hobbit Lover: [to Elias] Oh, Star Wars geek.
Randal Graves: Oh I'm the geek? Look at you two whipping out your preciouses.
Elias: [to Hobbit Lover] You'll have to excuse him. He's not 'down' with the trilogy.
Randal Graves: Oh, what the fuck happened to this world? There's only one trilogy you fucking morons.
Hobbit Lover: You know what, maybe we should start calling your friend Padme, because he loves Mannequin Skywalker so much, right?
[Robotic genstures and monotone, imitating Anakin Skywalker]
Hobbit Lover: Danger, danger, my name is Anakin. My shitty acting is ruining saga.
Elias: [Chuckles] Yeah, you're crazy, Jar-Jar.
Randal Graves: Oh I'm crazy? Those fucking hobbit movies were boring as hell. All it was was a bunch of people walking. Three movies of people walking to a fucking volcano... Here's the first movie...
[Walks in a straight line, doped]
Randal Graves: ... And here's the second movie...
[Walks in a straight line and steps]
Randal Graves: ...
Hobbit Lover: He is way off. Loser.
Randal Graves: ...You ready for the third movie?
[Walks in a straight line again, and, at the end, pretends to take a ring off his finger and throw it away, then shrugs]
Diner #1: Fuckin' A.
Elias: [Puts on Mooby's hat] Welcome to Mooby's, may I take your order?
Hobbit Lover: Yeah um, let's see... Give me one udderly delicious Moo-ilk shake, Skinny Calf and a, order of onion rings. Thanks.
Elias: [Typing into register. To himself:] "One ring to rule them all."
Hobbit Lover: [Surprised] "One ring to find them."
Randal Graves: [Eavesdropping] Oh Jesus.
Elias: "One ring to bring them all."
Hobbit Lover: "And in the darkness bind them!"
Elias: [Hi-5's the Hobbit Lover] Yes! How many times?
Hobbit Lover: Umm, three for 'Fellowship', two for 'Towers', *four* for 'Return'.
Elias: [Showing off] Five for return.
Hobbit Lover: Dude.
Randal Graves: Okay, look. There's only one 'Return', okay, and it ain't of 'The King', it's of 'The Jedi'.
Hobbit Lover: [to Elias] Oh, Star Wars geek.
Randal Graves: Oh I'm the geek? Look at you two whipping out your preciouses.
Elias: [to Hobbit Lover] You'll have to excuse him. He's not 'down' with the trilogy.
Randal Graves: Oh, what the fuck happened to this world? There's only one trilogy you fucking morons.
Hobbit Lover: You know what, maybe we should start calling your friend Padme, because he loves Mannequin Skywalker so much, right?
[Robotic genstures and monotone, imitating Anakin Skywalker]
Hobbit Lover: Danger, danger, my name is Anakin. My shitty acting is ruining saga.
Elias: [Chuckles] Yeah, you're crazy, Jar-Jar.
Randal Graves: Oh I'm crazy? Those fucking hobbit movies were boring as hell. All it was was a bunch of people walking. Three movies of people walking to a fucking volcano... Here's the first movie...
[Walks in a straight line, doped]
Randal Graves: ... And here's the second movie...
[Walks in a straight line and steps]
Randal Graves: ...
Hobbit Lover: He is way off. Loser.
Randal Graves: ...You ready for the third movie?
[Walks in a straight line again, and, at the end, pretends to take a ring off his finger and throw it away, then shrugs]
Diner #1: Fuckin' A.
Randal Graves: Since when did porch monkey suddenly become a racial slur?
Dante Hicks: When ignorant racists started saying it a hundred years ago!
Randal Graves: Oh, bullshit! My grandmother used to call me a porch monkey all the time when I was a kid because I'd sit on the porch and stare at my neighbors!
Dante Hicks: Despite the fact that your grandmother might've used it as a term of endearment for you, it's still a racial slur! It'd be like your grandmother calling you a little kike!
Randal Graves: Oh, it is not. Plus, my grandmother had nothing but the utmost respect for the Jewish community. When I was a kid she told me to always treat the Jewish kids with the utmost respect, or they'd put the sheni curse on me.
Dante Hicks: What the fuck, man?
Randal Graves: What?
Dante Hicks: Sheni's a racial slur, too!
Randal Graves: Oh, it is not.
Dante Hicks: Yes, it is!
Randal Graves: She never called any Jews 'sheni', she just used to say sheni curse a lot. It was cute!
Dante Hicks: It wasn't cute! It was racist!
Randal Graves: I disagree, man, she was just an old timer, that's the way people talked back then! Didn't mean they were racist... Although my grandmother did refer to a broken beer bottle once as a nigger knife... You know, come to think of it, my grandmother was kind of a racist.
Dante Hicks: You think?
Randal Graves: Well,I still don't think porch monkey should be considered a racial term. I mean, I've always used it to describe lazy people, not lazy black people! I think if we really tried, we could re-claim it, and save it.
Dante Hicks: It can't be saved, Randal! The sole purpose for its creation, the only reason it exists in the first place, is to disparage an entire race! And even if it could be saved, you can't save it because you're not black!
Randal Graves: Well listen to you! Telling me I can't do something because of the color of my skin! You're the racist! I'm taking it back, you watch!
[customers enter]
Randal Graves: Hey, what can I get for you, you little porch monkey?
[beat]
Randal Graves: Its cool, I'm taking it back.
Dante Hicks: When ignorant racists started saying it a hundred years ago!
Randal Graves: Oh, bullshit! My grandmother used to call me a porch monkey all the time when I was a kid because I'd sit on the porch and stare at my neighbors!
Dante Hicks: Despite the fact that your grandmother might've used it as a term of endearment for you, it's still a racial slur! It'd be like your grandmother calling you a little kike!
Randal Graves: Oh, it is not. Plus, my grandmother had nothing but the utmost respect for the Jewish community. When I was a kid she told me to always treat the Jewish kids with the utmost respect, or they'd put the sheni curse on me.
Dante Hicks: What the fuck, man?
Randal Graves: What?
Dante Hicks: Sheni's a racial slur, too!
Randal Graves: Oh, it is not.
Dante Hicks: Yes, it is!
Randal Graves: She never called any Jews 'sheni', she just used to say sheni curse a lot. It was cute!
Dante Hicks: It wasn't cute! It was racist!
Randal Graves: I disagree, man, she was just an old timer, that's the way people talked back then! Didn't mean they were racist... Although my grandmother did refer to a broken beer bottle once as a nigger knife... You know, come to think of it, my grandmother was kind of a racist.
Dante Hicks: You think?
Randal Graves: Well,I still don't think porch monkey should be considered a racial term. I mean, I've always used it to describe lazy people, not lazy black people! I think if we really tried, we could re-claim it, and save it.
Dante Hicks: It can't be saved, Randal! The sole purpose for its creation, the only reason it exists in the first place, is to disparage an entire race! And even if it could be saved, you can't save it because you're not black!
Randal Graves: Well listen to you! Telling me I can't do something because of the color of my skin! You're the racist! I'm taking it back, you watch!
[customers enter]
Randal Graves: Hey, what can I get for you, you little porch monkey?
[beat]
Randal Graves: Its cool, I'm taking it back.
Jay: We can lend you the money under two conditions. One, we can hang out in front of your store and you can't call the cops. And two, you two have to blow each other right now. And we get to watch. And then you have to go ass to mouth.
[Dante, Randal, and Silent Bob give Jay a weirded out look]
Jay: Okay, only the first condition.
[Dante, Randal, and Silent Bob give Jay a weirded out look]
Jay: Okay, only the first condition.
Sexy Stud: So, where're we doin' this thing?
Randal Graves: Oh, right inside the restaurant.
Sexy Stud: You're kidding.
Randal Graves: Not spacious enough?
Sexy Stud: No, it's plenty spacious, just kinda weird, isn't it?
Randal Graves: Kinda weird? You're in the bestiality business, dude.
Sexy Stud: Hey, Fucko, we like to call it inter-species erotica.
Randal Graves: Intriguing.
Randal Graves: Oh, right inside the restaurant.
Sexy Stud: You're kidding.
Randal Graves: Not spacious enough?
Sexy Stud: No, it's plenty spacious, just kinda weird, isn't it?
Randal Graves: Kinda weird? You're in the bestiality business, dude.
Sexy Stud: Hey, Fucko, we like to call it inter-species erotica.
Randal Graves: Intriguing.
Randal Graves: I know you've given a blowjob, right?
Becky: I haven't even put my purse down, yet.
Randal Graves: That's a yes.
Randal Graves: [to Dante] And I know you've gone down on chicks.
Becky: What's your point?
Randal Graves: Well, when you're done chowing down on the no-no parts of your lover you kiss 'em, right? That's just like going ass to mouth.
Becky: Okay, I'm pretty sure you just compared a vagina to an asshole.
Randal Graves: And?
Becky: Have you restocked all the napkin holders yet?
Randal Graves: That's an Elias job!
Becky: That comparison of pink and brown eyes just made it a Randal job.
Elias: Zing!
Randal Graves: [to Elias] Shut the fuck up, GoBot!
Randal Graves: [to Becky] I could probably sue this whole corporation right now for sexual harassment. You're just making me restock the napkin holders because of my firmly held beliefs on the subject of ass to mouth.
Dante Hicks: You never go ass to mouth!
Randal Graves: Would you grow up?
Becky: I haven't even put my purse down, yet.
Randal Graves: That's a yes.
Randal Graves: [to Dante] And I know you've gone down on chicks.
Becky: What's your point?
Randal Graves: Well, when you're done chowing down on the no-no parts of your lover you kiss 'em, right? That's just like going ass to mouth.
Becky: Okay, I'm pretty sure you just compared a vagina to an asshole.
Randal Graves: And?
Becky: Have you restocked all the napkin holders yet?
Randal Graves: That's an Elias job!
Becky: That comparison of pink and brown eyes just made it a Randal job.
Elias: Zing!
Randal Graves: [to Elias] Shut the fuck up, GoBot!
Randal Graves: [to Becky] I could probably sue this whole corporation right now for sexual harassment. You're just making me restock the napkin holders because of my firmly held beliefs on the subject of ass to mouth.
Dante Hicks: You never go ass to mouth!
Randal Graves: Would you grow up?
