Bottom Quotes
Edward and Richard are best buddies living off the government doing nothing more than having a good time and breaking stuff.
Eddie: This is a sex shop isn't it?
Shop Assistant: Yes.
Eddie: [slaps money down] I'll have five quid's worth then!
Shop Assistant: Very droll sir, I've never heard that one before.
Eddie: Haven't you? Shall I tell it again?
Shop Assistant: No thank you sir, I'd rather have a pineapple inserted violently into my rectum.
Eddie: You've been working here too long mate.
Shop Assistant: Yes.
Eddie: [slaps money down] I'll have five quid's worth then!
Shop Assistant: Very droll sir, I've never heard that one before.
Eddie: Haven't you? Shall I tell it again?
Shop Assistant: No thank you sir, I'd rather have a pineapple inserted violently into my rectum.
Eddie: You've been working here too long mate.
Richie: Let's just be economical with the truth, errrm, something, buck, yeah hot young buck.
Eddie: What about badger?
Richie: No, no I'm more a sort of...
Eddie: HEDGHOG!
Richie: No fox! That's good, no that is good.
Eddie: Stoat!
Richie: Foxy Stoat? Yeah! It's gotta a ring to it... foxy stoat seeks...
Eddie: Pig!
Richie: Foxy Stoat Seeks Pig! Oh Shut up Eddie!
Eddie: What about badger?
Richie: No, no I'm more a sort of...
Eddie: HEDGHOG!
Richie: No fox! That's good, no that is good.
Eddie: Stoat!
Richie: Foxy Stoat? Yeah! It's gotta a ring to it... foxy stoat seeks...
Eddie: Pig!
Richie: Foxy Stoat Seeks Pig! Oh Shut up Eddie!
Eddie: [reads letter] What's this? Annual membership to "Barbarella's Aerobic Fitness Centre"?
Richie: Nothing to do with me.
Eddie: It's got "Richard Richard" written on it.
Richie: Ah. Er...
Eddie: [reads] "Leotard"?
Richie: Well, er, Eddie, none of us are getting any younger. I just pop along every Wednesday afternoon and firm up.
Eddie: What, you stand at the back of a room full of girls jiggling their bottoms up and down and "firm up"?
Richie: Nothing to do with me.
Eddie: It's got "Richard Richard" written on it.
Richie: Ah. Er...
Eddie: [reads] "Leotard"?
Richie: Well, er, Eddie, none of us are getting any younger. I just pop along every Wednesday afternoon and firm up.
Eddie: What, you stand at the back of a room full of girls jiggling their bottoms up and down and "firm up"?
[Eddie dressed up as Death]
Eddie: All right then mortal. I can see you're eager to keep your life. How's about I offer you a straight deal?
Richie: A deal? Sure. No problem. Great.
Eddie: How much money have ya got in the house?
Richie: Oh, none.
Eddie: What about the three hundred pounds on top of the bathroom cabinet?
Richie: How do you know about that?
Eddie: God, I keep telling you mate. I'm Death, I know everything.
Richie: Everything? What, even about the... .?
Eddie: Especially that you naughty boy.
Richie: All right. I'll get the money, just don't tell anybody. You wait right here.
Eddie: All right then mortal. I can see you're eager to keep your life. How's about I offer you a straight deal?
Richie: A deal? Sure. No problem. Great.
Eddie: How much money have ya got in the house?
Richie: Oh, none.
Eddie: What about the three hundred pounds on top of the bathroom cabinet?
Richie: How do you know about that?
Eddie: God, I keep telling you mate. I'm Death, I know everything.
Richie: Everything? What, even about the... .?
Eddie: Especially that you naughty boy.
Richie: All right. I'll get the money, just don't tell anybody. You wait right here.
[Facing imminent death]
Eddie: You know, I think I might come back as a bra.
Richie: What?
Eddie: Well, all us Buddhists believe in reincarnation.
Richie: When did you become a Buddhist?
Eddie: About 5 seconds ago. And may I say it has completely changed my life!
Richie: But you can't come back as a bra! That's just stupid! You have to come back as something organic.
Eddie: All right, all right, I'm only a beginner you know! Errr... all right then, I'll come back as... ah! Claudia Schiffer! She's seriously organic!
Eddie: You know, I think I might come back as a bra.
Richie: What?
Eddie: Well, all us Buddhists believe in reincarnation.
Richie: When did you become a Buddhist?
Eddie: About 5 seconds ago. And may I say it has completely changed my life!
Richie: But you can't come back as a bra! That's just stupid! You have to come back as something organic.
Eddie: All right, all right, I'm only a beginner you know! Errr... all right then, I'll come back as... ah! Claudia Schiffer! She's seriously organic!
Richie: [being forced to pay off Skullcrusher, an irate forger] Is there some sort of problem, officer?
'Skullcrusher' Henderson: I can't take this money. It's been forged!
Eddie: No it's not!
'Skullcrusher' Henderson: Yes it is! I'm the one who forged it!
[holds up a note and points to where the Queen's face should be]
'Skullcrusher' Henderson: Look, that ain't the Queen, it's Danny LaRue!
Eddie: Well, it's A queen!
'Skullcrusher' Henderson: I can't take this money. It's been forged!
Eddie: No it's not!
'Skullcrusher' Henderson: Yes it is! I'm the one who forged it!
[holds up a note and points to where the Queen's face should be]
'Skullcrusher' Henderson: Look, that ain't the Queen, it's Danny LaRue!
Eddie: Well, it's A queen!
Richie: Well, I just got to finish my sprouts Mexicain, and we're all set!
Eddie: Sprouts Mexicain?
Richie: [gloating] Sprouts Mexicain!
Eddie: What's that?
Richie: Well, it's a... sprouts, pinch of chili powder, jar of curry powder, hint of tabasco sauce - well, three bottles, actually. Not so much a hint, more a party political broadcast. And the secret ingredient: gun powder!
Eddie: *Sprouts*?
Richie: Yeah! They were left over from last Christmas!
[taps his bottom]
Richie: Ta ta-ta-ta ta-ta!
Eddie: But it's October!
Richie: Yes, yes, I know, they were a bit... frisky. But the spices'll cover up any embarassment!
[Oven explodes]
Richie: Hey, they must be ready!
Eddie: Sprouts Mexicain?
Richie: [gloating] Sprouts Mexicain!
Eddie: What's that?
Richie: Well, it's a... sprouts, pinch of chili powder, jar of curry powder, hint of tabasco sauce - well, three bottles, actually. Not so much a hint, more a party political broadcast. And the secret ingredient: gun powder!
Eddie: *Sprouts*?
Richie: Yeah! They were left over from last Christmas!
[taps his bottom]
Richie: Ta ta-ta-ta ta-ta!
Eddie: But it's October!
Richie: Yes, yes, I know, they were a bit... frisky. But the spices'll cover up any embarassment!
[Oven explodes]
Richie: Hey, they must be ready!
[Eddie and Richie are pretending to be a newly-wed couple, Eddie dressed as the woman]
Eddie: These saucy honeymoon undies are a bit on the cutting severe side.
Richie: Don't you worry, Eddie, you could always take 'em off later. Or maybe I'll rip 'em off with my bare teeth -
[to himself]
Richie: oh no, it's not a girl, it's Eddie, it's Eddie! It's not a girl, it's Eddie, it's not a girl, it's Eddie! Oh God, I hope I don't get drunk!
Eddie: These saucy honeymoon undies are a bit on the cutting severe side.
Richie: Don't you worry, Eddie, you could always take 'em off later. Or maybe I'll rip 'em off with my bare teeth -
[to himself]
Richie: oh no, it's not a girl, it's Eddie, it's Eddie! It's not a girl, it's Eddie, it's not a girl, it's Eddie! Oh God, I hope I don't get drunk!
Eddie: [to Richie] How's your sausage?
Richie: [looking surprised] 's A bit personal, isn't it? Oh, I see, you mean my *sausage*!
[points at frying pan]
Eddie: Yes?
Richie: You're asking me about my sausage?
Eddie: Sausage, yes?
Richie: Not my penis?
Eddie: [astonished] No!
Richie: Oh, thank heavens for that! Well, what can I tell you, Eddie, it's an absolute disaster! I just can't get the hang of this cooking lark! I mean, you put the sausage in the pan, you set it on fire, and what happens? It gets incinerated!
Eddie: Well, maybe we should eat our flakes?
[Richie looks disgusted]
Eddie: [Eddie holds up a box of cornflakes]
Richie: Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, I see what you mean, yes! I think I'm getting "double entendre disease"!
Eddie: Can I drink your juice?
Richie: [looking revolted, then realizing] Oh! Oh, yes! Yes, of course, go ahead! I think I'm going mad this morning!
[knocking on the front door]
Eddie: Someone's giving our knocker a damn good banging! I'd better go see who it is!
Richie: Righty 'o! I'll grab a hold of my sausage and give it a good seeing-to!
Richie: [looking surprised] 's A bit personal, isn't it? Oh, I see, you mean my *sausage*!
[points at frying pan]
Eddie: Yes?
Richie: You're asking me about my sausage?
Eddie: Sausage, yes?
Richie: Not my penis?
Eddie: [astonished] No!
Richie: Oh, thank heavens for that! Well, what can I tell you, Eddie, it's an absolute disaster! I just can't get the hang of this cooking lark! I mean, you put the sausage in the pan, you set it on fire, and what happens? It gets incinerated!
Eddie: Well, maybe we should eat our flakes?
[Richie looks disgusted]
Eddie: [Eddie holds up a box of cornflakes]
Richie: Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, I see what you mean, yes! I think I'm getting "double entendre disease"!
Eddie: Can I drink your juice?
Richie: [looking revolted, then realizing] Oh! Oh, yes! Yes, of course, go ahead! I think I'm going mad this morning!
[knocking on the front door]
Eddie: Someone's giving our knocker a damn good banging! I'd better go see who it is!
Richie: Righty 'o! I'll grab a hold of my sausage and give it a good seeing-to!
[the boys believe they've just killed the meter reader]
Eddie: Hey! Maybe he's not dead. Maybe he's just stunned! Why don't you give him the Kiss of Life?
Richie: Yeah!
[pause, disgusted look]
Richie: No I will NOT! You sad pervy! We've got a dead body in the house and your first idea is to sexually assault it!
Eddie: Hey! Maybe he's not dead. Maybe he's just stunned! Why don't you give him the Kiss of Life?
Richie: Yeah!
[pause, disgusted look]
Richie: No I will NOT! You sad pervy! We've got a dead body in the house and your first idea is to sexually assault it!
Pawnbroker: Oh, there's a nice little piece of object d'art! Must be worth at least two an' a half grand... I'll give yer £1.50 for it!
Eddie: Uhh... let's haggle.
Pawnbroker: OK, a quid.
Eddie: No, let's haggle upwards.
Pawnbroker: OK, 50p!
Eddie: God, they don't call you Harry The Bastard for nothing, do they?
Pawnbroker: No. They call me Ted.
Eddie: Uhh... let's haggle.
Pawnbroker: OK, a quid.
Eddie: No, let's haggle upwards.
Pawnbroker: OK, 50p!
Eddie: God, they don't call you Harry The Bastard for nothing, do they?
Pawnbroker: No. They call me Ted.
[both watching a rented video]
Richie: It's not very sexy, is it?
Eddie: No. I must say, I expected a lot more from "The Furry Honeypot Adventure".
Richie: I think this is for kids you know Eddie. I think those Hussein brothers saw you coming again. Well, what else did you get?
Eddie: "Big Jugs"
[laughs]
Richie: "Big Jugs"! All right!
[reads box]
Richie: "A history of pottery in the nineteenth century." Anything else?
Eddie: Well this one's a sure-fire hit. Look. "Swedish Lesbians in Blackcurrant Jam".
Richie: Yabba-dabba-doo!
[reads]
Richie: No Eddie, it's "Swedish Legends in Blackcurrant Jam Making."
Eddie: Aw, come on, it's got to be dirty, it says "Swedish"!
Richie: It's not very sexy, is it?
Eddie: No. I must say, I expected a lot more from "The Furry Honeypot Adventure".
Richie: I think this is for kids you know Eddie. I think those Hussein brothers saw you coming again. Well, what else did you get?
Eddie: "Big Jugs"
[laughs]
Richie: "Big Jugs"! All right!
[reads box]
Richie: "A history of pottery in the nineteenth century." Anything else?
Eddie: Well this one's a sure-fire hit. Look. "Swedish Lesbians in Blackcurrant Jam".
Richie: Yabba-dabba-doo!
[reads]
Richie: No Eddie, it's "Swedish Legends in Blackcurrant Jam Making."
Eddie: Aw, come on, it's got to be dirty, it says "Swedish"!
Richie: Haven't you got through to the Pope yet?
Dave Hedgehog: [looking at telephone directory] "Pope, G."
Richie: What do you mean, "Pope, G."? He's not Pope Gavin is he? He's Pope John Paul. Look under "Pope, J.P."!
Dave Hedgehog: J.P. Oh, here he is: "Pope, J.P." I didn't know he lived in Twickenham.
Dave Hedgehog: [looking at telephone directory] "Pope, G."
Richie: What do you mean, "Pope, G."? He's not Pope Gavin is he? He's Pope John Paul. Look under "Pope, J.P."!
Dave Hedgehog: J.P. Oh, here he is: "Pope, J.P." I didn't know he lived in Twickenham.
Natasha: This is a very sexy room, I bet you've been naughty in here a few times.
Richie: Oh you're not wrong there. You name it - swearing, doodling on the walls. I've flicked the 'v's out of that window more times than I care to remember.
Natasha: And are you going to be naughty now?
Richie: [looking at his flies] Medically the chances are against it.
Richie: Oh you're not wrong there. You name it - swearing, doodling on the walls. I've flicked the 'v's out of that window more times than I care to remember.
Natasha: And are you going to be naughty now?
Richie: [looking at his flies] Medically the chances are against it.
Richie: What did we do? What did we do?
Eddie: Well it's your fault for touching up the burly Ferris wheel attendant.
Richie: I thought she was a girl.
Eddie: They were pectorals you fool!
Richie: Well she had an earring.
Eddie: Yeah, through HER foreskin.
Richie: Yes, which I found out later much to my distress!
Eddie: Well it's your fault for touching up the burly Ferris wheel attendant.
Richie: I thought she was a girl.
Eddie: They were pectorals you fool!
Richie: Well she had an earring.
Eddie: Yeah, through HER foreskin.
Richie: Yes, which I found out later much to my distress!
[Eddie and Richie are watching the Carnival parade from their window]
Richie: Oh, I love carnival time! Look at that policeman over there!
Eddie: Which one?
Richie: The one jumping up and down, waving his arms.
Eddie: The one that's on fire?
Richie: Yeah!
Eddie: Now well, he's got no one to blame but himself, it was him who started it all by appealing for calm!
Richie: Is it?
[to policeman]
Richie: Provocative bastard!
Richie: Oh, I love carnival time! Look at that policeman over there!
Eddie: Which one?
Richie: The one jumping up and down, waving his arms.
Eddie: The one that's on fire?
Richie: Yeah!
Eddie: Now well, he's got no one to blame but himself, it was him who started it all by appealing for calm!
Richie: Is it?
[to policeman]
Richie: Provocative bastard!
[Richie tries to impress his date, Lady Natasha Letitia Sarah Jane Wellesley Obstromsky Ponsonsky Smythe Smythe Smythe Smythe Smythe Ovlomov Boblomov Dob, third viscountess of Moldavia]
Richie: What was it Shakespeare used to say?
Eddie: [dressed as a butler] Um..."Hello, my dear. I'm a playwriter, you know. Come on, give us a snog".
Richie: No, Eddie!
Eddie: Um..."Where's my quill? Bloody Hell, I bought five yesterday! Where do they all go?"
Richie: [laughing nervously] No, really! What was it he used to say?
Eddie: "What do you mean, it's crap? There's eight bodies at the end, and he gets to shag his Mum!"
[Richie punches Eddie in the groin]
Richie: What was it Shakespeare used to say?
Eddie: [dressed as a butler] Um..."Hello, my dear. I'm a playwriter, you know. Come on, give us a snog".
Richie: No, Eddie!
Eddie: Um..."Where's my quill? Bloody Hell, I bought five yesterday! Where do they all go?"
Richie: [laughing nervously] No, really! What was it he used to say?
Eddie: "What do you mean, it's crap? There's eight bodies at the end, and he gets to shag his Mum!"
[Richie punches Eddie in the groin]
Eddie: I got a free police baton.
Richie: Whoo, interesting! Let's have a look!
Eddie: Yeah, well, I can't quite lay my hands on it at the moment
[points towards his bottom]
Eddie: .
Richie: Nasty!
Eddie: Yeah, it's one of those new long ones as well. With the side handle. It's playing Merry Hell with my liver.
Richie: Whoo, interesting! Let's have a look!
Eddie: Yeah, well, I can't quite lay my hands on it at the moment
[points towards his bottom]
Eddie: .
Richie: Nasty!
Eddie: Yeah, it's one of those new long ones as well. With the side handle. It's playing Merry Hell with my liver.
[Eddie has made some home-brewed liquor in his bathtub]
Dave Hedgehog, Spudgun: Hello, Eddie.
Eddie: Hi, boys! Well, this is the Devil's brew! You didn't bring any led tankers with you, did you? All the cups keep dissolving.
Dave Hedgehog, Spudgun: No.
Eddie: Well, we'll have to use the pans, then. Here you go, help yourself!
[he hands them pans, they fill them]
Eddie: Hmmm, cheers!
Dave Hedgehog, Spudgun: Cheers!
[they all take a sip, which doesn't go down lightly]
Spudgun: Oooh! Cheeky little number!
Eddie: That's it. It has a certain robustness that demands attention!
Dave Hedgehog: Possibly medical.
Dave Hedgehog, Spudgun: Hello, Eddie.
Eddie: Hi, boys! Well, this is the Devil's brew! You didn't bring any led tankers with you, did you? All the cups keep dissolving.
Dave Hedgehog, Spudgun: No.
Eddie: Well, we'll have to use the pans, then. Here you go, help yourself!
[he hands them pans, they fill them]
Eddie: Hmmm, cheers!
Dave Hedgehog, Spudgun: Cheers!
[they all take a sip, which doesn't go down lightly]
Spudgun: Oooh! Cheeky little number!
Eddie: That's it. It has a certain robustness that demands attention!
Dave Hedgehog: Possibly medical.
[Eddie is dressed as "The Death", which Richie doesn't know; Richie is scared as hell]
Richie: [crying] Please, give me another chance!
Eddie: No, I won't, if you don't leave Eddie alone.
Richie: How did you know that we had fights?
Eddie: I am The Death, I know *everything*!
Richie: Uh-oh... Do you know that I have...
Eddie: I know that too, naughty boy!
Richie: [crying] Please, give me another chance!
Eddie: No, I won't, if you don't leave Eddie alone.
Richie: How did you know that we had fights?
Eddie: I am The Death, I know *everything*!
Richie: Uh-oh... Do you know that I have...
Eddie: I know that too, naughty boy!
Eddie: I don't think they were lesbians, Richie, 'cause they got off with those other blokes. Those, er, handsomer, wittier, erm... well basically those two guys who didn't have a load of toilet paper stuffed down their trousers.
Richie: Yeah, well you hardly helped, did you? Stuffing a Vimto bottle down the front of your pants and shouting "Woohoo, looking for the Eiffel Tower girls?"
Richie: Yeah, well you hardly helped, did you? Stuffing a Vimto bottle down the front of your pants and shouting "Woohoo, looking for the Eiffel Tower girls?"
Richie: You know mate, if we ever get through to the other side of this one, if we ever get back to Blighty, I'm really gonna change the way I live... find a piece of land, find a beautiful woman, hell, maybe even raise a few kids
Eddie: Aaaah quit dream'n skip, we're never going to pull through to the other side of this one
Richie: No you've got to dreeeeam Eddie. You've got to hold on to the dreeeeeam!
Eddie: Can I ask you a question?
Richie: Shoot from the hip Eddie, that's always been your style.
Eddie: WHY ARE WE TALKING SUCH COMPLETE AND UTTER BOLLOCKS?
[proceeds to beat Richie]
Eddie: Aaaah quit dream'n skip, we're never going to pull through to the other side of this one
Richie: No you've got to dreeeeam Eddie. You've got to hold on to the dreeeeeam!
Eddie: Can I ask you a question?
Richie: Shoot from the hip Eddie, that's always been your style.
Eddie: WHY ARE WE TALKING SUCH COMPLETE AND UTTER BOLLOCKS?
[proceeds to beat Richie]
Richie: [making a list for things to take on holiday] Ooh, condoms!
Eddie: Well, we can take last year's, can't we?
Richie: But have we got any left?
Eddie: Yeah. All of 'em!
Richie: Thank God for that! I hate going to the chemist's! Keep thinking my Mum will find out. I mean, buying johnnies is just a constant embarrassment!
Eddie: What do you mean, you've only done it once! That was back in 1977!
Richie: Hey, hey, it's a bloody convincing performance, though! That shop assistant could've sworn I was French!
Eddie: Yeah, maybe that's why you came out with 50 tubes of pile cream as well!
Richie: Yes, well, maybe my mime was a little indistinctive, yes, but you know, I mean, it was worth the daytrip to Birmingham just to find a chemist who didn't know us, you know! I mean, it might have been a long way round just to buy a threepack of johnnies we never use, but I'll tell you what: there's been no piles in this house since 1977!
Eddie: Well, we can take last year's, can't we?
Richie: But have we got any left?
Eddie: Yeah. All of 'em!
Richie: Thank God for that! I hate going to the chemist's! Keep thinking my Mum will find out. I mean, buying johnnies is just a constant embarrassment!
Eddie: What do you mean, you've only done it once! That was back in 1977!
Richie: Hey, hey, it's a bloody convincing performance, though! That shop assistant could've sworn I was French!
Eddie: Yeah, maybe that's why you came out with 50 tubes of pile cream as well!
Richie: Yes, well, maybe my mime was a little indistinctive, yes, but you know, I mean, it was worth the daytrip to Birmingham just to find a chemist who didn't know us, you know! I mean, it might have been a long way round just to buy a threepack of johnnies we never use, but I'll tell you what: there's been no piles in this house since 1977!
[Richie is making a list for the holidays]
Richie: What else do we need for the beach?
Eddie: Um, tetanus jabs?
Richie: Ooh yes! Better make an appointment to see doctor Wildthroat for a booster.
Eddie: He's not a Doctor of Medicine, you know.
Richie: Well, I know, yes, but he's cheap!
Eddie: Gave you rabies last year!
Richie: But it only cost three quid! Come on, Eddie, beggars can't be choosers!
Eddie: No, but they can froth at the mouth and eat the furniture!
Richie: What else do we need for the beach?
Eddie: Um, tetanus jabs?
Richie: Ooh yes! Better make an appointment to see doctor Wildthroat for a booster.
Eddie: He's not a Doctor of Medicine, you know.
Richie: Well, I know, yes, but he's cheap!
Eddie: Gave you rabies last year!
Richie: But it only cost three quid! Come on, Eddie, beggars can't be choosers!
Eddie: No, but they can froth at the mouth and eat the furniture!
